All The Wrong Reasons

by JL Paul

  Guilt, my constant companion lately, grinned at me. “Um, so, do you think I should go?”

  “Do you want to go?” she asked.

  That’s the million dollar question, I wanted to shout. “Yeah, I do,” I decided. I scooted up in my chair. “We haven’t spent a lot of time together lately and things are just sort of weird with us going to different schools.” I bit my lip. “And, Grandfather mentioned something to me about Dustin wanting to propose soon…”

  Her eyes grew as she grinned. “Seriously? Dustin is going to ask you to marry him?”

  I held up a hand before she could start ranting and raving. “I don’t know if he is or not but I sort of would like to be with him this weekend and make sure the feelings I have for him are real. That way, if he does ask me, then I’ll be able to give him an honest answer.”

  Maybe I’d intended that statement to be some sort of excuse to my mother, but it ended up ringing true in my heart. Perhaps this weekend would boost our relationship and help me banish Lucas.

  “Honey, if you love Dustin and you want to be with him, then do it,” she said. “I don’t like giving my daughter permission to have sex – and I’m certainly no role model – but you are an adult and I appreciate that you discussed this with me.”

  With a big smile, I walked around the table to hug her. “I love you, Mom.”

  “Oh, honey, I love you, too,” she said. “Oh, and, let’s keep this from your grandparents. I don’t need the headache.”

  I giggled and kissed her cheek. “It’s a deal.”

  ***

  I counted the days in my datebook for the third time and sighed, trying to keep from hyperventilating. I hadn’t counted wrong at all – I was supposed to have started on Friday. Stomping down the panic, I closed my eyes as I fell on my bed. I needed to stay calm and relax. Stress would only delay my monthly visitor longer. Besides, it would be quite inconvenient for it to show up this weekend.

  But a little voice inside my head was prodding me – antagonizing my fears. Condoms weren’t one hundred percent. And the time in the shower…well, even if he didn’t …finish…inside me until the condom was on didn’t really mean anything. Did it?

  Groaning, I sat up. “I took Biology – I know how these things work.”

  I pursed my lips in concentration. True, I was usually right on time with my period but it had been late in the past - though never late enough to cause me concern. And a couple of days didn’t automatically make me pregnant. I’d just have to relax and not think about it. If it didn’t come by next week – then I’d worry.

  Confident that I had a plan, after I finished dressing, I joined my mother and my cousin downstairs so we could drive to my grandparents’ house.

  ***

  Dinner was wonderful – a verifiable feast – and once I’d eaten twice my normal calorie intake, I joined my family in the den. The kitchen staff served coffee and a warm fire crackled in the fireplace. It was such a warm, lovely scene - something normally I would enjoy - but my head was full of my recent predicament that I just couldn’t banish.

  Excusing myself to use the restroom, I fled up the stairs. I shut and locked the door before withdrawing my cell phone. I hit his number before I could chicken out and paced the spacious bathroom.

  “Hey, happy Thanksgiving, love,” Lucas cooed in my ear, sending shudders up my spine.

  “Same to you,” I said, inserting a little pep in my voice. “Where are you?”

  “My parents’ place,” he said. “And where are you?”

  “Um, I’m at the grandparents’ house,” I whispered.

  He chuckled. “Irelyn? Are you … in a bathroom?”

  “Yes,” I said curtly. “And I can hang up if you’re going to make fun of me.”

  He laughed. “I’m not making fun of you. I’m rather touched that you would go to all that effort just to talk to me.”

  I smiled despite the situation. “I really do need to talk to you,” I said.

  “What’s up?”

  I gnawed on the inside of my cheek. “Well, it’s just…” I groaned. “Okay, here it is. I’m, um, late.”

  “Okay,” he said slowly. “Late for wh…ohh – that late.”

  “Yeah, that late,” I repeated. “I’m a little scared.”

  “How late is late?”

  “Not terribly but enough to worry me.”

  “Well, shit,” he said. “Shit. We’ve been careful – hell, I have an empty condom box in my bedroom to prove it.”

  “They’re not always a hundred percent,” I whispered, tears climbing up my throat.

  He released a very heavy sigh. “Listen to me. Are you going to Rusty’s tomorrow night?”

  I closed my eyes. “No. I have a family thing,” I lied. “All weekend.”

  “Oh,” he said, bereft. “Okay. Um, you go back to school Monday, right?”

  “Yes.”

  “Then come by my place after class,” he suggested. “I get off work at four. We’ll talk then.”

  “Okay.”

  “Hey, Irelyn,” he said, his voice soft. “If you are…you know…then we’ll figure it out. I wouldn’t leave you high and dry. I swear.”

  “Thanks, Luke,” I gushed.

  “No problem, love. Now get back to your family before your grandmother fires her cook.”

  My forehead crinkled as I contemplated what he said, wondering if I heard him right. “What? Why?”

  He laughed but it sounded forced. “They’ll think the cook didn’t prepare the turkey properly and it made you sick.”

  “Oh,” I said and giggled. “I guess. Okay, then, um, I’ll see you Monday.”

  “Relax, love and enjoy your weekend. It will work out.”

  “I know. Thanks.”

  I ended my call and returned to my family.

  “…is an outstanding school,” Grandfather was telling my mother. He looked regal as he sat proudly in his wing chair, his legs crossed, his slacks perfectly pressed and creased. “He can finish this semester at his school and start at Torrison’s next semester.”

  Mom’s lips were practically white as she nodded curtly. She was perched on the edge of the sofa, cupping her coffee mug gingerly in her hands. Tommy sat rigidly beside her, his eyes wide as he followed the conversation.

  “You’re sending Tommy to Torrison’s?” I asked as I reentered the room.

  “Yes,” Grandfather said. “The arrangements have already been made.”

  “But, are you sure that’s the best thing for him?” I objected. I sat next to Tommy and wrapped an arm around his shoulders. “He doesn’t like change.”

  “He’ll be fine,” Grandfather insisted. “You and your mother coddle him too much. A new school with children that have the same talents as his will be good for him.” He rose to fetch a cigar from the handsome box on the mantle and signaled the end of the conversation.

  I sighed and glanced at Tommy.

  ***

  Dustin chattered excitedly as he headed out of town. I inserted generic responses here and there but my mind was still wrapping around the thought that I might be pregnant. Even though I’d promised myself I wouldn’t worry about it all weekend, it still lingered. I hadn’t slept much at all as I visualized my grandparents’ reaction. And my mother’s.

  An idea suddenly occurred to me as we arrived at the inn. What if I was and what if I just passed it off as Dustin’s? I was certain we’d make love this weekend – that was part of his plan – and I could just keep my mouth shut for about a month. Surely he wouldn’t do the math – he’d be either shocked or ecstatic. It could work.

  But I’d already told Lucas. I cursed myself for jumping the gun. I should have just waited. Maybe he’d go along with my plan – he wouldn’t want to be stuck with me and a kid.

  I followed Dustin inside, not noticing the lobby décor, and mulled my plan. Could I do that, though? Could I lie to Dustin and the baby? I’d grown up without a father and it hadn’t really bothered me much. My mother was
loving enough for two.

  “Come on, sweetheart,” Dustin said as he took my hand and followed the bellhop up the stairs. The bellhop unlocked the door and set our bags on the floor. Dustin tipped him and took the key, shutting the door. After he locked it, he turned to smile at me. My heart fluttered.

  He crossed the room to take me in his arms. “Finally, time to be totally alone.”

  “Yes,” I said as he kissed me.

  “What do you want to do first?” he asked. His brilliant blue eyes sparkled as a boyish smile framed his mouth.

  I brushed the bangs off his forehead and returned his smile. “Anything.”

  “I have an idea,” he said as he leaned in to kiss me. It started soft but turned eager. He backed me to the bed, slowly removing my sweater. My heart pounded as he continued to undress me. It had been awhile since we’d made love and I was anxious for this weekend to reinforce our relationship. Maybe then I could end things with Lucas.

  He was gentle and loving as he kissed me while he eased inside of me. My heart just couldn’t handle the tenderness and hammered against my ribs. When we finished, he held me, kissing my forehead. I snuggled into him, sweet smile on my face. I had missed him so much but hadn’t really noticed until now.

  “Are you okay, Irelyn?” he asked.

  “Yeah, why?”

  He squeezed me. “I’ve always heard that it can sometimes be painful for a woman if she hasn’t had sex in a long time. And it’s been a couple months.”

  I closed my eyes to chase away the tears. I was nothing but a horrible, miserable fraud. “I’m okay, Dustin. You were very gentle.”

  “I love you,” he said.

  “I love you, too,” I whispered.

  We ate in the dining room that evening. The tables were small and intimate and the lighting dim. A huge fireplace took up an entire wall and lent to the romantic atmosphere. I sat close to Dustin, enjoying the intimacy.

  “I understand that Tommy is going to attend Torrison’s next semester,” Dustin said as he held my hand on top of the table.

  My gut clenched as anger churned my stomach. “Yes, I guess so, but I don’t like it.”

  “Why?” Dustin asked.

  “Because Tommy likes his school – he has friends and a great teacher. He doesn’t do well with change. I worry that he won’t adjust.”

  “Sweetheart,” Dustin said in a placating voice. “You’re not his mother. I know you love him but you should just leave decisions like this up to the adults responsible for him.”

  My jaw fell as I gaped at him. How could he say that? Did he like people making decisions for him? I didn’t think so. “Would you like it if someone ripped you from your comfort zone and shoved you into an entirely new place? Don’t you think you’d be scared?”

  Chuckling, he stroked my cheek as the waiter shoved entrees under our noses. “I’d welcome the challenge and fight it head on.”

  “But imagine you’re a child with special needs…” I said.

  “I don’t mean to upset you,” Dustin said once the waiter disappeared. “I know how much you care about him, but this is a wonderful opportunity. He’ll learn with the best and get a quality education. You should be happy for him.”

  I know,” I conceded as I picked up my fork and stabbed a piece of broccoli. Dustin just wasn’t going to see my point and that was fine – he wasn’t the one making the decisions anyway. “I’m sure he’ll be fine.”

  After dinner, we drove around the small town, trying to figure out what we’d do the next day. When we returned to our room, Dustin lost no time in getting me undressed again. He wasn’t as gentle but he lacked the animal passion that Lucas had and I forced my mind not to compare the two – it wasn’t fair to either of them.

  Dustin dropped beside me, his chest heaving. “I think I’ll shower.”

  I smiled – he was so fastidious about his appearance. He kissed me, climbed off the bed, and strolled across the room completely naked. I watched him, admiring the beauty of his body, and waited until I heard the shower. I raced to the bathroom and crept in behind him.

  “Irelyn!” he exclaimed, his eyes wide with shock. “What are you doing?”

  “Showering,” I said with a mischievous grin. I took the soap out of his hands and lathered his chest. He stood still, too astonished to move. It wasn’t until I worked the lather on the lower half of his body that he came back to life. He yanked me into his chest and pressed a hard kiss to my mouth. He rinsed his body, turned off the water, and pulled me to the bed.

  It was over almost soon as it began and left me aching for more. But he claimed to be tired so I ran my fingers through his hair until he fell asleep.

  I dropped to my pillow, listening to Dustin’s light snores as I absently rubbed my flat abdomen. I wondered, for the hundredth time, if there was a baby forming in there and what it would look like. Would it have Lucas’s beautiful eyes and his sexy hair? If I did try to claim that Dustin was the father and if the baby looked like Lucas, would anyone believe me?

  I turned to my side and butted against Dustin. I closed my eyes, begging sleep to claim me. I didn’t want to sit up all night again and ponder the newest pile of crap that I’d managed to heap on top of the mess I called my life. I knew that if I didn’t sit down and start figuring things out soon instead of my usual manner of pushing things to the side, I’d regret it. But tonight was not the right time.

  Sleep did find me an hour later.

  ***

  Waking before Dustin, I kissed his soft cheek before I slipped out of bed and padded to the bathroom. My legs were a little achy but it was a comfortable kind of ache. It reminded me of what had gone on the night before – the love I’d shared with Dustin.

  I sighed and sat on the toilet, my kidneys near explosion. As I finished, I nearly screamed.

  “Yes!” I whispered instead. “Yes! Thank you!”

  I dug in my cosmetic bag and found the tampons I’d thrown in there just in case – and with crossed fingers. After I took care of myself, I washed up, cleaned my teeth, and brushed my hair. The entire time I tried to compose my face. I didn’t want Dustin to know how thrilled I was that my period had come.

  “Hey, Irelyn, you okay in there?” Dustin asked. I jumped and dropped my tooth brush.

  “Oh, um, yeah, give me a sec, okay?”

  When I finished, I shoved all my stuff into my bag. I faced my reflection one last time and scrubbed my cheeks. Taking a deep breath, I left the bathroom.

  He pecked my cheek as he brushed past me and went into the bathroom. I perched on the bed, practicing what I’d say to him.

  He sat next to me when he returned to the room and wrapped me in his arms. “What are we going to do today?”

  “Well,” I said as I suppressed a smirk. “I can tell you what we can’t do.”

  He took the news well – bless his heart – and promised me that we’d still have a good time. “After all, sweetheart,” he said with a kiss. “I didn’t bring you here just for sex.”

  The rest of the weekend passed quickly. By the time Dustin dropped me off Sunday night, I was relaxed and well-rested. I told Mom a little about my weekend, chatted with Tommy, and then went to bed. I fell to sleep confident that when I went to Lucas’s house on Monday, I’d be able to end things. I belonged with Dustin.

  Chapter 9

  Parking in front of Lucas’s house, I walked purposely to the front door. I was going to tell him the good news then tell him that I couldn’t see him anymore.

  Before I had a chance to know, he ripped the door open and grinned. He was dressed in jeans and a gray work shirt, his name embroidered over his heart, unbuttoned to reveal a white, long-sleeved t-shirt. He wore a baseball hat backwards over his hair and he totally took my breath away.

  He eased his hand in mine, dragged me inside, and straight to the kitchen where a feast of Chinese food waited. Urging me into a chair, he plopped next to me.

  “Eat, love, then we’ll talk,” he said as he piled ri
ce on his plate. I watched him, drinking in every movement and facial expression. How I would miss him – but I’d made my decision and I needed to stick to it.

  He paused, lifting a brow. “Not hungry?”

  “Lucas, I got my period Saturday. We’re safe.”

  His brow shot even higher before his face relaxed into my favorite crinkly-eyed grin. “Really, now? Well, I suppose that’s good news. Now eat. I’m starved.”

  He shoved a plate at me and I scooped some chicken out of one of the containers. Picking up his fork, he started shoveling food in his mouth as I picked at mine. “How was your break?”

  “Okay,” I said. “I spent some time with my mom and with Tommy.”

  “Tommy?” His fork froze halfway to his mouth. “I thought his name was Dustin.”

  I giggled and ducked my head over my plate. “Um, Tommy is my little cousin. He lives with me and my mom.”

  “Oh. Cool. Yeah, I remember you mentioning him.” He chewed and washed his food down with a beer. “How old is Tommy?”

  “Nine,” I said with a smile. “He has special needs and he’s a wonderful little boy. We just discovered that he can play the piano and very well.”

  “Really?” Lucas asked, a sparkle of genuine interest in his eye. “Like, a musical prodigy or something?”

  I nodded. “Oh, he’s taking lessons but he picks it up quickly.” The smile slipped off my face and I set my fork down next to my plate. “My grandparents are enrolling him at Torrison’s School of the Arts next semester.”

  “What’s the problem?” he asked.

  I blew a puff of air at the hair in my face. “Tommy doesn’t adjust well to change. He’s settled in nicely at his school and has friends and everything. And my grandparents pretty much ignored him until they found out he’s talented. Now, they parade him around the country club as if he’s some prize-winning thoroughbred.” I looked into Lucas’s beautiful eyes. “And I’m worried about him. What if he doesn’t like the school or can’t make friends? It’s going to set him back.”

  Scooting his chair closer to mine, Lucas took my hand. “What does Tommy think about all this?”