All The Wrong Reasons

by JL Paul

  “Stick with me, Irelyn,” Paula ordered. I thought she must be a mind reader. “We’re almost there.”

  When we finally reached the hospital, I kept my eyes glued shut as the gurney jostled and sped to a bright room. I cracked my eyes open and found a horde of medical professionals hovering over me, removing my clothes and dressing me in a hospital gown. People shouted orders at each other and my skin was pricked and my body prodded. My stomach rolled but panic was first and foremost in my mind.

  “Hi, Irelyn,” a smiling man with glasses greeted. “I’m Dr. Nickels. We’re going to need to take some x-rays and run some tests. Is there anything that hurts worse than everything else?”

  “My head,” I mumbled.

  “Okay. You have a laceration on the back of your head and we’ll stitch that up in a minute. Anything else?”

  “Everywhere hurts.”

  He patted my arm gently. “Just relax. We’ll give you something for the pain after we check you out thoroughly. Is your mother or father here?”

  “Her mother is on the way,” I heard Morgan say. I wanted to move my head to find her but the neck brace prevented me.

  A nurse helped me to sit up and pressed something to the back of my head. I winced, crying out. “We’re going to take you for x-rays before we stitch you.”

  They wheeled me out of the room and my eyes darted at the faces gathered nervously outside the doors. They all rushed to the gurney as the nurses pushed me through them.

  My heart fluttered when I spotted Lucas leaning against a wall, his dejected head bent. He lifted his eyes to mine and smiled weakly. I wanted him. I tried to reach for him but my arms felt unbelievably heavy.

  Shame jumped in the fray and mixed with everything else going inside my body.

  After they x-rayed everything they could and examined every part of me, my head still pounded as they wheeled me back toward the trauma room. My eyes remained closed as the bright lights only intensified my pain.

  “Irelyn, honey,” I heard my mother squeal as she walked beside the gurney. I smiled as I opened and closed my fingers. She slipped her hand in mine as the doctor spoke to her. The nurses parked my gurney and eased me upright. The neck brace had long ago been banished and I was grateful. It had started to itch. “Oh, sweetie,” Mom cried.

  “Your daughter is very lucky,” the doctor said. “Nothing is broken but she is banged up pretty good. She’s going to be very sore for at least a week – probably longer.”

  I breathed a little easier.

  “We’ll give you something for the pain,” a nurse whispered as something pricked and stung the back of my head.

  “I’m going to stitch this cut up back here, Irelyn,” he said. “You’ll feel a little pull but if it hurts, let me know and I’ll numb it some more.”

  I didn’t dare nod – not with a needle by my head. “Okay.”

  “She has a mild concussion and we’d like to keep her overnight just in case,” the doctor continued. “But she’ll be able to go home in the morning.”

  “Okay,” my mom said as she squeezed my hand.

  When they finished with me, they left me with my mother to see about a room. The nurse injected me with some kind of pain killer and my mind fogged. My body relaxed and my lids grew heavy.

  “Mom,” I croaked. “I’m sorry.”

  “Shh, honey,” she said. “It will be okay, don’t worry about it tonight.”

  “But, I made such a mess,” I cried.

  She brushed my cheeks with soft fingers. “And we’ll fix it – just not tonight.” She kissed my forehead. “Bailey, Morgan and the others told me what happened. They told me about Lucas.”

  The dam broke and sobs wracked my aching body. I just couldn’t be comforted. My mother knew what I’d done – what I’d become. Embarrassment, shame, guilt, and remorse mixed with the tears.

  “Honey, don’t cry,” she said, alarmed. She perched on the side of the bed. “Irelyn, sweetie, you’re only human.” She kissed my cheek. “You’re entitled to make mistakes – and learn from them. Whatever happened is in the past now. You need to make amends and look to the future.”

  My cloudy mind couldn’t quite register her words but the tears did stop and a smile emerged. “You sound so wise.”

  “Well, I am a mother,” she grinned. She cautiously patted my leg. “Rest, honey. Tomorrow will be a better day.”

  “Mom,” I said in a crackly voice. “Will you…please tell Dustin and Lucas…I’m okay? I, um, don’t want to see them tonight.”

  “Of course,” she said and rose. “I’ll go talk to your friends then I’ll be back.”

  I closed my eyes and let exhaustion cover me like a well-loved blanket.

  ***

  I woke, disoriented, and reached for Lucas. Pain jetted through every nerve and I remembered everything –realizing that I was in a hospital not in Lucas’s bed. I cried out, wanting my mother.

  A soft light next to the bed offered me an iota of comfort and I found a box of tissue on the tiny table. My muscles screamed as I reached for one to wipe my drippy nose.

  My head ached and my body hurt. But my heart was in the most pain. It was time, finally, to sort things out. My files were overflowing – my mind on overload. My procrastination had caught up to me and poked me in the chest.

  I needed to fix things and pray it wasn’t too late.

  The pain wailed and I rang for the nurse.

  Chapter 21

  I woke early the next morning to a pounding head and an ache in every imaginable place. I lifted my arm a fraction of an inch and cringed, biting my lip to keep from releasing a string of curses that would make Lucas and Collin proud. The pain in my arm was intense – like slamming it over and over in a car door. I wasn’t eager to test my other appendages to see if the same was true of them.

  “This sucks,” I whispered as I closed my eyes. “Totally sucks.”

  The back of my head throbbed and itched, making me groan. What was I going to do about class on Monday? Would I be able to walk? What if the doctor told me I needed to use a wheelchair for a while? Would my friends be willing to help me move around?

  Then, like a movie trailer on the big screen, the previous evening’s events rolled through my head. I remembered talking to Lucas and the argument on the landing. I remembered falling down the stairs, ending up in the cold snow. I remembered telling my mother I didn’t want to speak to Lucas or Dustin.

  Was either of them still here?

  I fervently hoped not. I didn’t know what to say. I didn’t want them slinking in here feebly and trying to apologize for something that was my fault. And I still needed to take the first step in the plan I’d concocted last night to get my life back in order.

  I very slowly eased my aching body up, eager to get a sip of the water in the cup next to the bed. My throat was dry and my mouth parched. But as I reached for the cup, my arm screamed and I dropped it to the bed.

  “Damn!” I shouted, tears springing to my eyes.

  “Irelyn?” my mother asked as she entered the room. “Honey, what’s the matter?”

  “Everything hurts,” I sniffed as if I were six again and just fallen off my bike. “And I can’t reach the water.”

  “Oh, sweetie,” she cooed as she swept my hair off my forehead. She picked up the cup and held the straw to my lips. “Sip slowly.”

  I did and was rewarded with wonderfully cool water. I finished and she set the water aside. She pulled a chair up to the bed and fiddled with the ends of her shirt. “Irelyn, we need to talk.”

  “I know we do,” I said. “When do I get out of here?”

  “Soon,” she said. “And when we get you settled, we need to discuss things. Understand?”

  “Perfectly,” I said as I tried to smile. “And you’re right – we do have things to discuss.”

  ***

  Mom propped me on the sofa because I just couldn’t manage the stairs. Tommy, who had spent the night with Jim and Brenda, Mom’s bosses, hover
ed behind her nervously, his eyes wide with worry.

  Once I assured her I was comfortable, she offered me a pain pill but I shook my head slightly. I wanted a clear mind as I explained everything to her.

  “Mom, let me tell the story then you can ask me anything or add your two cents – whatever.” She nodded. “It all started a couple months ago when I went to Rusty’s with Bailey and Morgan.”

  I told her how I met Lucas and, without looking in her eyes, I told her how I’d went home with him that night. I explained how the affair continued despite my guilt and how my feelings for Dustin changed.

  “You fell in love with Lucas?” Mom asked, forgetting that she was supposed to wait and let me finish.

  “Yes,” I said with a small smile as I recalled how gentle he’d been with me the last couple times we were together. “I love him very much.”

  “Then, why, Irelyn?” she asked, clearly confused. “Why aren’t you with him?”

  Anger boiled in my chest, setting off sparks of pain in my ribs. I groaned and slowly moved a hand to cover them. “Grandfather.”

  She nodded, her eyes blazing. “I thought as much. Let me guess, he found out about you and Lucas and he arranged the entire party to sort of clue Dustin in?”

  “Something like that,” I said. “I was going to break up with Dustin before Christmas but he went out of town. When he came back, I thought I’d just do it that Saturday night, but – well, you know what happened.” She paled and nodded.

  “You went to your grandparents’ house that night – I know.” She took a deep breath. “And he tried to buy you off?”

  “Not necessarily,” I said. I closed my eyes as a wave of pain washed over me. It took my breath momentarily away and my mother peered anxiously at me. “I’m fine.”

  “Do you want your pain meds yet?”

  “Give me a few more minutes,” I said. I released a slow breath and continued. “He admitted to setting up the whole thing. He told me he knew that I’d been seeing Lucas. He accused me of some nasty things that weren’t altogether untrue. But, he also threatened to stop paying for my school if I didn’t end things with Lucas.”

  Gasping, she pressed her hands to her mouth. “He didn’t!”

  “He did,” I sighed. “And when I told him I’d do it – or go to school somewhere else, he threatened…” I had to swallow – it still hurt to think of it. “He threatened to stop paying for Tommy’s school.”

  “That bastard!” she yelled as she shot to her feet. “That bastard! He has no right to do this to you kids. He’s punishing you for my sins. And my sister’s sins. I won’t stand for this.”

  “Mom,” I moaned hoarsely. “Please, no more trouble.”

  “This is not right, Irelyn,” she said as she paced the living room. “This is not right at all.”

  “Let me handle this,” I begged.

  “No!” she said. “You are my daughter and I am supposed to be taking care of you.”

  “But I made the mess,” I said. “I need to fix it.”

  “How are you going to fix it?” she asked as she paused in the middle of the room. Her hands fell to her sides as her brow furrowed.

  I loved her more than anything. I wished my grandfather wouldn’t have ruined her relationship with Lonnie. I wished she’d find true happiness somewhere. She deserved it.

  “I’ve been searching for scholarships and stuff,” I said. “I have some information printed out but it’s at school.”

  “You can apply for financial aid,” she suggested.

  I blinked at her, trying to wrap my mind around her statement. “Not for me, Mom. For Tommy. If Grandfather stops paying for Tommy to go to Torrison’s, we’ll have to figure out another way to pay for it.”

  “Oh,” Mom said as her face fell into a frown. “Yeah, you’re right. Well, we will find a way. His tuition is paid up until the end of the year so we have time.”

  “And Mom, I don’t mind going to school elsewhere,” I assured her, though inside, my heart was breaking. “I just want Tommy to be happy and have a bright future.”

  “He will,” Mom muttered, but I could see the worry in her eyes. “Here, honey,” she said as she handed me a couple pills and a glass of water. “Take these and rest.”

  I did and slipped into a blissful, dreamless sleep.

  ***

  The next few days crawled by painfully. I wasn’t able to attend classes as I was hardly able to move from the sofa.

  Morgan and Bailey stopped by with my books and notes from my professors. They visited for awhile but Mom made me take my pain pills and they left after I drifted off - before I had a chance to really ask about Lucas.

  Dustin managed to persuade my mother to let him see me and I was actually glad. He plopped on the floor next to the couch and grimaced at the yellowish-purplish bruises all over my face and arms.

  “How are you?” he asked sheepishly.

  “Still sore but every day it gets a little better,” I told him.

  Nodding, he gazed off over my head. Pity struck me and I wished that I’d been able to love him like he did me. I almost wished I’d never met Lucas but whenever I thought about that, my lungs shut down and I couldn’t breath.

  “Dustin, I owe you an explanation,” I whispered.

  He shook his head slowly. “No, not really.” He bit his lip and raised his eyes to my face. I was shocked at the anger and betrayal floating in them. “Your grandfather explained everything to me already. He called me after your accident and told me that you’d been having an affair with that Lucas guy for months.”

  “Oh, Dustin,” I groaned. “Oh, no.”

  “Don’t deny it,” he said. “It all makes sense now.”

  “I’m not denying it,” I said in a low voice. “It’s true. And I’m sorry I did that to you. I’m sorry I hurt you. I’m sorry for everything.”

  “Yeah,” he sighed as he gently took my hand. “I’m sure you are.” Rising slowly, he gnawed on his lip as he carefully set my hand on my chest. “But how could you? How could you do that to us? To me? I thought you loved me?”

  “I did,” whispered.

  “Why? Why did you sleep with him?” he asked.

  “I don’t know,” I admitted. “And I was going to break it off with him but I just couldn’t. Then I thought I needed to break it off with you but you went out of town then when you came back, well, there was the party and stuff.”

  He turned away from me and I was glad. I couldn’t stand the hurt in his eyes. “So, you … so you wanted to be with him and not me?”

  I swallowed as the pain in my chest flared. But I pushed it aside – it was time to get this over and done with – time for honesty. “Yes.”

  “I loved you, Irelyn – still do. I thought that we had a great relationship but the whole time you were screwing around behind my back.”

  I wanted to correct him and tell him that I hadn’t always been so evil – that there was a time when I did love him. But I would let him have his say. “Dustin, I’m sorry – I really am. I never meant to hurt you. You are a wonderful person and you don’t deserve this.”

  He spun around to face me – his eyes blazing with anger. “If I’m so wonderful then why? Don’t you love me anymore?”

  I tried to scoot up further on the sofa but my arms trembled from the efforts. The pain had abated some since the accident but simple movements were still torture. “I did love you, Dustin. I still love you – just not like you love me.”

  “Do you love Lucas?” he asked, his voice low and hard.

  I nodded, setting off another headache.

  He stood in the middle of the living room – hands limply at his sides – and stared at me. His gaze weighed heavily on me as he licked his lips and drew deep breaths. I wanted to drop my eyes and cover my face but I could hide my shame no longer. It was sprawled all over the floor for everyone to see.

  “I don’t really know what to say here,” he said as he came back to life. “I guess it is over between u
s and do you know what? I’m glad.” His voice was steady, frightening me a little but as he continued with his speech, the fright transformed to anger. “I’d rather not be associated with you anymore. My friends at the club told me that you would never fit in with us – considering your background. And you just proved them right. You’ve become nothing more than a common whore.”

  The escalating pain caused me to bite my lip as I maneuvered my body to a sitting position. “And you’re a dick, Dustin,” I said between clenched teeth. “Nothing but a … dick!” I was sorely disappointed in my ability to come up with a better insult but the pain and anger totally messed with my thought process. “Lucas was right – if you would have taken time to get to know me then maybe things would have worked out better. You used to be that way but you changed, too.” I eased my legs off the couch and grimaced at the pain flaring through my bones as I pushed to my feet. “And if you wouldn’t have been so – boring and…and stuffy, maybe I would never have been with Lucas. He listens to me and supports me. He doesn’t just want me to be the perfect little wife that he can train to act all proper so I can escort him to dinner parties. He’s a real man, Dustin and you’re nothing but a fake. I am really sorry that I hurt you and betrayed you but I am not going to sit here and allow you to insult me!”

  “And you’re a selfish bitch,” he spit as he stepped up to me.

  “Maybe so but at least I’m not a puppet.” I heaved a loud breath that rattled my aching ribs. “Get out of my house, now.”

  “And to think I was considering taking you back,” he said, his eyes mere slits.

  “That’s what you get for thinking,” I said. “There’s no way in hell I’d ever get back with you. I asked you to leave now get out.”

  He stormed away from me, slamming the door behind him.

  My shoulders slumped as my heart beat furiously in my chest. My mom rushed into the room, her eyes wide and frightened.

  “Irelyn, are you okay?” she asked as she hurried to my side. “I heard the whole thing.”

  I eased my body to the sofa, probably resembling my ninety year-old great-grandmother before she died. Mom watched helplessly - too afraid that if she touched me she’d cause me more pain.