The Desire

by Gary Smalley

  “What’s wrong? What happened last night?”

  He looked back at her. “Just some stuff we saw yesterday. Had a hard time getting the pictures out of my mind. I’ll tell you about it when I get home.”

  “Would it help to talk about it? I’m here if you want to talk about it now.”

  “I don’t think so. I’m going back out there again in just a few minutes. Maybe seeing it all again will help take the sting away. If we talk about it now, it might mess up your sleep. It’s midnight there, right?”

  “A little after,” she said. “I can see it’s daylight there from the window behind you. That’s so strange. I still can’t get used to the time difference. It’s tomorrow for you already.”

  “I know. One more day and we start the long journey home. I can’t wait to see you.”

  “I love you so much,” she said.

  “I love you too.”

  There was a long pause, which rarely happened in their conversations. “What’s wrong, babe? You seem . . . off somehow. Are you just worn out?”

  “I’m sure that’s part of it.” He looked away. When he looked back at her, he said, “No, that’s not it. Not really. I’m sure it’s this place.”

  “You mean Addis Ababa?”

  “No, the place we visited yesterday.”

  She noticed something then. He was looking right at her, but it was as if he wasn’t seeing her anymore. He was seeing something else, in his mind. “Tell me about it.”

  “No, I’m sorry. It can wait. Tell me about you. How are you holding up, with me being gone again on one of my trips?”

  She had to be careful or she’d slip into a faraway stare too. This wasn’t the time to talk about her baby woes. Rather, her lack-of-a-baby woes. “Nothing much going on here. You missed a big family dinner today after church. Doug was even there.”

  “Again? That’s two weekends in a row, isn’t it?”

  “It is.”

  “Wonder what he’s up to?”

  “I don’t think he’s up to anything,” she said. “Maybe he just misses us.”

  “Maybe.”

  She knew why Allan had his doubts. The family was seeing less and less of Doug over the past twelve months. He had just finished up his freshman year and was beginning his sophomore year at Flagler College in St. Augustine. He was staying at a dorm on campus, but the college was only a ninety-minute drive from here. Before he’d left for college, he had vowed to drive home most weekends. That lasted maybe a month.

  “Guess who else was at the dinner?”

  “Who?”

  “Audrey Windsor. Remember her?”

  “Sure I do,” he said. “The lady who taught your dad how to dance.”

  “That’s her. She called Dad this week saying she had something big to discuss with him, so he invited her to Sunday dinner.”

  “You know what it was?”

  “I don’t. Not yet, anyway. When the kids went down for a nap, I went out shopping with Jean for a little while. As we walked out the front door, I saw Audrey in Dad’s home office, still talking. Dad was clicking away on his computer, working on some kind of spreadsheet.”

  Allan laughed.

  “What?”

  “I guess you really are curious.”

  “Well, we haven’t seen her very much the last few months. She did say it was something big. And then they’re in there talking about it for hours. She was just saying good-bye when Jean and I came home from the store.”

  “Well, maybe your mom can tell you what it’s all about tomorrow.”

  “I’m definitely going to call her when I get home from school.”

  Allan glanced at his watch.

  “Do you have to go already?” she said.

  “In a few minutes. But I’m also thinking about your bedtime. You’re teaching school in the morning. I know how hard it is facing those kids when you haven’t had enough sleep.”

  That was definitely true. But she didn’t want him to go. “So you and your team are heading out to that place again? Whatever it is?”

  “Korah. It’s a little village about fifteen minutes from here.”

  “Well, at least it’s not very far.”

  “It’s not. But it’s nothing like Addis Ababa. Even the worst parts of town are way better than anything there.”

  There was that look again, like he wasn’t seeing her anymore. “What’s it like?” He didn’t answer for several moments. “Allan?”

  “I’m sorry.”

  “It must be awful.”

  A long pause. “It is. I’ve never seen anything like it.”

  From the pictures and videos Michele had seen of other places, that was really saying something. “Not on any of your trips?”

  “Nothing even close.”

  She wanted to help him, to be there for him. But maybe he was right. Maybe she shouldn’t hear all about this place right before bed if it was that bad. “What’s it called again?”

  “Korah,” he said. “They call it Korah.”

  9

  Marilyn Anderson sat on the sofa and watched as her husband, Jim, came hurrying out of their master bedroom doorway. He was getting ready to leave for an appointment, but he seemed to instinctively know she was too exhausted to get up and kiss him good-bye. She was grateful she had the day off from both of her weekday occupations: her part-time job at Odds-n-Ends and her volunteer work at the Women’s Resource Center.

  He walked toward her, bent down, and gave her a kiss on the cheek. Her mind drifted back to yesterday’s dinner after church.

  Only half the crowd had left after coffee and dessert. By then, it was late afternoon. The rest hung around long enough to heat up the leftovers around six. Michele had stayed until well after dark. Marilyn felt bad for her daughter. She was clearly down and missed Allan something awful. Marilyn had spent a good deal of energy simply trying to lift Michele’s spirits. After Michele left, the house still wasn’t quiet, of course, since Tom and his family lived upstairs.

  They had been living there for a year now, since they had been forced to unload their house in a short sale. She loved having them here, especially loved getting to spend so much time with her grandkids. But she could never fully relax until they were in bed. Jean did her best to give them some sense of separation, making as much use of the upstairs as possible.

  “Will you be gone all day?” she asked Jim.

  “Actually, no. I was only going to take a half day. Maybe a little more than half. If you’re able to, I’d like to take you out for a little bit around midafternoon. Maybe go for a walk down by the river or get a cup of coffee.”

  “Really?”

  He looked upstairs for a moment, making sure they were alone. “I have some pretty big news to share with you.”

  Marilyn sat up straight. “Is it about what you and Audrey Windsor were talking about yesterday?”

  “It is.” He looked upstairs again.

  “Can you tell me—”

  Her phone rang. Jim was closer, so he picked it up. “Hello? Excuse me? Oh yes. She’s here. What’s that? I see . . . just a moment, let me see if she can come to the phone.” He pressed the mute button. “Hon, it’s Arlene from the Women’s Resource Center. Do you want to take it?”

  Instantly, Marilyn shook her head no, then felt a strong impression God wanted her to say yes. Or maybe it was just guilt. She waved for Jim to hand her the phone. “Hello, Arlene?”

  “Marilyn, could I ask you a huge favor? I know you’re off today and I wouldn’t call you at home like this normally, but something pretty important has come up. Do you have a minute?”

  Jim kissed her on the cheek, whispered, “See you around 2:30,” and waved good-bye as he opened the door to leave.

  She waved back then gave Arlene her undivided attention.

  “About an hour ago,” Arlene said, “I got a phone call about a young girl we’ve been counseling for several months. Her name is Christina. She’s going through a really tough time right now.”


  “I think I know who she is,” Marilyn said, “but I’ve never met her.”

  “I got Christina to agree to meet me down at the center,” Arlene said. “I’m wondering if you could possibly join me there. I’d really appreciate it. I don’t want to lose this girl. She’s in such a vulnerable place right now.”

  Marilyn held her cell phone a few inches away from her face, closed her eyes, and released a sigh. Now she wished she hadn’t taken the call. She was aching for rest. What Arlene was asking hardly seemed like a restful thing. “There isn’t any other time we could meet her?” Marilyn asked. “It has to be today?”

  “I’m afraid so,” Arlene said. “Christina’s mentor, Megan . . . you know Megan.”

  “I do.”

  “Megan was supposed to meet with her today. In fact, this was supposed to be their last time together. Last week, Megan got a call from her sister saying their mother was very sick. She asked if Megan could come up there soon to help. She’ll probably be gone for months. She hated leaving all her girls but felt she had no choice. Yesterday, Megan’s mother took a sudden turn for the worse, and she had to leave this morning to fly up north. That’s what has Christina so upset. At least that’s part of it. She was hinting about pulling out of the program altogether until I told her I’d meet with her myself. I’d be the one doing most of the talking today. But if you could be there, and she got a chance to meet you, I think it would reassure her she’s not going to fall through the cracks.”

  “When would I need to be there?”

  “We’re meeting in my office in just over an hour.”

  An hour, Marilyn thought. Everything inside her wanted to say no, but again, she felt this tug that God wanted her to do this. “Okay. I can do that.”

  “Oh, thank you. I’m so glad you said yes. I’m going to call Christina right away and tell her. I’ll see you in a little while.” Arlene sounded excited.

  At least one of them was.

  Christina pulled into the parking lot of the Women’s Resource Center and stared at the front door through the windshield of her ’98 Ford Taurus. The windows were down since the A/C didn’t work. Barely anything in this car did. It had all these fancy buttons and gadgets, but most of them didn’t do a thing. She guessed their purpose was to remind her of still more things she couldn’t afford.

  She really didn’t want to come here today. Ms. Ryan had talked her into it. That’s right, Arlene. She wanted Christina to call her Arlene, which she found hard to do. Arlene was a real lady, refined and—what was that other word? Dignified. Refined and dignified. Not the kind of person she felt right calling by her first name. She was sure Arlene had asked for that courtesy to better identify with her, make it seem as if their lives weren’t so far apart. But the gap was huge, and using first names wasn’t going to close it.

  Arlene was nice enough, though, and Christina had decided to give this thing one more try. It really upset her losing Megan. They had been meeting together for over three months now, every week at least. Christina felt like she could really trust Megan, could ask her anything, and Megan would answer her straight up.

  Megan had quickly become like the mother Christina never had. Well, Christina had a mom, biologically speaking, back home in New York. But Christina had seen enough moms on TV shows and movies to know how far offtrack her childhood had been.

  “Mom” was living with boyfriend number four, and that count was just in the last three years. Number four, like all the rest, hit on Christina whenever her mother wasn’t looking. She’d had enough of it. “Mom” hadn’t even tried to contact her after she’d been gone a month, even though Christina kept sending her notes about where she lived now.

  But Megan had fit the mother role nicely. Christina had actually begun to believe Megan truly loved her, in a motherly sort of way. Megan had said she did many times, and Christina was finally beginning to believe it.

  And now Megan was gone.

  Christina knew she had good reason. Megan’s mom was dying, all of a sudden out of nowhere, Megan had said. She hated to leave Christina stranded like this, but she had to fly home and take care of her. Of course she did. Christina knew this.

  It didn’t help any.

  She looked up, noticed a nice car pull into one of the open spaces by the front door. An attractive brunette got out, and it wasn’t until she turned to face the parking lot that Christina realized she knew this woman. Well, she didn’t really know her. But she recognized her as one of the regular volunteers. Christina had thought she could’ve been a fashion model when she was younger. The attractive lady walked to the front door just as Arlene came out to greet her.

  No way, Christina thought. Was this her new mentor? Both women turned to walk inside, but Arlene stopped to look once more at the parking lot before closing the door. Christina wanted to duck, but she wasn’t fast enough. Arlene saw her sitting in the car. She smiled and waved.

  Well, Christina had better get out and give this thing a try.

  She had promised Megan this morning she would.

  10

  The three women sat down in the counseling room. That wasn’t what the Women’s Resource Center called it, but that’s what it was. It had a warm ambience, though, more like a small living room than an office. Marilyn couldn’t tell by the look on the girl’s face who was more nervous about this meeting, her or Christina. The nervous tension provided one benefit: she was now wide awake.

  Christina was a petite little thing, very cute in a rough sort of way. So far, they had only exchanged polite introductions, but Christina’s New York accent was quite pronounced. Marilyn tried not to stare, but several times she glanced down at the obvious bump in Christina’s belly. What had Arlene said, that she was six or seven months along? She couldn’t be more than eighteen or nineteen years old, her son Doug’s age.

  Arlene had mentioned that Christina had just recently made up her mind to choose the adoption path for her baby, which Marilyn thought was courageous. Christina looked way too young to be a mother. Marilyn thought about the total absurdity of Doug becoming a father right now.

  Arlene opened up Christina’s file on the coffee table. She had another one just like it in her hand. “Again, thanks for coming, Christina. We really are sorry you couldn’t stay with Megan as your mentor until your baby is born. Megan hated doing this to you. You know that, don’t you?”

  “I know,” Christina said. “She didn’t have much choice.”

  “I read over your file this morning,” Arlene said. “Including all of Megan’s notes. I’m giving this copy to Marilyn to bring home, so she can get up to speed on all the things you and Megan had talked about.” She handed the manila folder to Marilyn. “Is there anything you want to tell Marilyn in person about your situation?”

  Christina shifted in her seat. She looked uncomfortable. “Not a whole lot to tell. Like an idiot, I moved in with my boyfriend—who I didn’t really love, by the way. I just did it to save money. My roommate had just moved out. I was gonna lose the place in a few weeks, so when he suggested we live together, I said yes. Then, continuing to behave like an idiot, we started sleeping together. You’d think I would know better. I wasn’t on the pill, and he was too lazy to—well, you know. So it happened, I got pregnant.” She paused to take a swig of bottled water. “What can I say? I wasn’t very bright.”

  “You don’t need to keep putting yourself down,” Arlene said. “We’re not here to judge you.”

  “Oh, I know that. Everyone in this place treats me well. Way better than I ever got treated out there. I’m not putting myself down. It’s just a fact. I guess the biblical word Megan used was being a fool. Same difference. I know God’s forgiven me for the mess I’ve made of things. Megan said God sometimes has to put people in tough places to get their attention, make them aware of how much they need him. I try to look at it that way . . . that God used all this to bring me to Christ. I was a million miles away from God a few months ago. But that doesn’t change the fa
ct that I was an idiot for letting it happen.”

  Marilyn couldn’t help but smile. There was something refreshing about this young girl’s honesty.

  “Could you tell Marilyn and me a little about how you came to the adoption decision?”

  “Sure. It’s not complicated. I’ve been thinking about it a long time. It’s just, I’m not ready to be a mom. That’s pretty much the whole story. I don’t want my baby growing up the way I did, or worse. Megan gave me these papers to read about both choices, adoption or single parenting. And I guess you could say, I did some of my own research. It’s not that I don’t love my baby. I do. But it came down to deciding what’s best for her instead of what’s best for me. This baby will not be better off with me, and that’s just a fact. Not at this point in my life.”

  “Megan said you were pretty committed to this option,” Arlene said. “Do you struggle with your decision at all? Is there anything you’d like to talk about?”

  “I think Megan covered all the bases. I did struggle a lot at first, but then God did something that helped take my struggle away.”

  “What was that?” Marilyn asked.

  “I started visiting a children’s playground in River Oaks. I went several times.”

  “Do you live in River Oaks?” Marilyn said.

  Christina laughed. Then she looked at Arlene, as if to say “Is she kidding?” “Not hardly. I can’t even afford to eat in River Oaks. No, I went there because I know that the type of couple who will adopt my baby could probably afford to live there. Anyway, this last time I went, I see all these kids playing, having a blast. Across the way on some bench under a tree, all these moms are laughing and talking. But closer to where I was, there was this other girl sitting by herself at a picnic table. She was maybe twenty-five. I’ve seen her there a few times. It’s always the same. She just stares at the kids. Her face always looks so sad. This time when I looked back at her, I saw tears running down her face. Normally, I would’ve left her alone, but for some reason I felt like I should talk to her. So I did.”