The Desire

by Gary Smalley

  “You’re right, I’m going into way too much detail. I’m sorry. I should have spent more time in prayer. Maybe I’d have a little more self-control right now. It’s just, this is a really big thing.”

  What is?! Michele screamed inside her head.

  Christina stopped, repositioned herself on the couch, took a sip of her coffee, then took a deep breath. “Okay, the thing is, like I said, I haven’t taken too much money from the adoption agency. So if I quit them now, I wouldn’t feel too bad. It’s nothing compared to the amount of money they’d lose if I quit them after the baby was born. You know, if I changed my mind. But still—”

  “Why would you think of quitting them?”

  “I wouldn’t, unless you said yes to what I’m about to ask. Don’t give me an answer right away. I’m sure you’re going to want to talk to Allan anyway, because it’s such a big deal. See, what I’ve been praying about, what I want to ask you is . . .” Tears instantly appeared in Christina’s eyes. “I was afraid this was gonna happen.”

  Michele quickly got up and fetched a box of tissues from the hutch. She was dying inside.

  Christina dabbed her eyes, took another deep breath. “I’ll just say it. I’m wondering if you and Allan would want to adopt my baby? After this idea came to me, I looked into it a little bit. If we didn’t go through the adoption agency, we could do something they call a private adoption. The big thing with that is, it doesn’t cost hardly anything compared to working with an agency. There’s just the hospital bills, some lawyer fees, and that’s pretty much it. I certainly wouldn’t charge you anything. I wouldn’t want to make a dime off this.” Christina reached for another tissue to stem the tide of a new release of tears.

  Michele didn’t know what to say. She hadn’t expected this at all. Her initial reaction was to say “no, thank you,” right here, right now. She still had her heart set on having a baby the old-fashioned way. But she also wasn’t ready to say anything now because of the new things she had been learning from the children’s ministry notebook. She could tell Christina had something else to say.

  “The main reason for this idea is because of my baby, and me thinking about what’s best for her. This time I’ve spent with your family has been like a dream. I didn’t even know there were families like this, not in real life. I can’t think of a better set of parents than you and Allan. I would have loved to have someone like you for a mom. And if my baby could grow up here, in a place like this”—she used her hands to include the whole downstairs—“with people like you, and have grandparents like your folks, and aunts and uncles like Tom and Jean. What could be better than that? Nothing could.”

  Christina stopped talking. Now she was looking at Michele’s face, staring right into her eyes. Michele had no idea what kind of signals she was sending. She didn’t feel anything deep or profound. Mostly she felt . . . confused. She had no idea whether this sudden development was something God was doing or just some fantasy Christina was having.

  Christina reached for another tissue. “The way I feel about your family is the hardest part of this whole thing.”

  “What do you mean?”

  “Leaving you all. I know that’s what I would have to do if you said yes. It would be way too awkward for everyone if I stayed around. I read about these things they have called open adoptions, where the birth mother keeps hanging around to watch the baby grow up. That’s not for me. I’d want to make a clean break, let my baby bond to her new parents, and them with her, without any interference from me. And that would mean . . .” The tears began to flow again. “No more Anderson family for me.”

  Michele instantly thought about some of the things she had read that morning, about loving God and loving others. What Christina had just offered to do was a perfect example of sacrificial love, a mother’s love. God’s love.

  Now it was her turn to reach for the tissues.

  32

  Christina had left Michele’s home that afternoon with Michele’s heartfelt gratitude for even considering her and Allan worthy of such trust, and with her assurance that they would talk over Christina’s offer that night and pray together for God’s guidance.

  Since then, it had set so heavy on her heart. She could hardly get her head around it; it was such a big deal. She’d actually called Allan to see if he could come home early so they could talk, but he couldn’t. He was working with a client right up until five. She’d told him they had something important to discuss, big enough to put dinner on hold when he got home.

  He was upstairs getting changed now. Allan had suggested they take a walk. Something about a walk just made listening and thinking easier to do. She got up from her chair when she heard him coming down the stairs. “It’s really nice out right now,” she said.

  “I could use some fresh air,” he said. “I hate being shut up in the office all day.” Half of Allan’s time was spent out in the field. He opened the front door for her. As she walked past him, he said, “So, what’s this big news? I can’t tell by the look on your face if it’s good or bad.”

  They walked down the sidewalk, holding hands. “It’s not really a good or bad kind of thing. It’s just very unusual. Potentially life-changing.”

  They reached the end of their walkway. “Which way do you want to go?” he asked.

  “Doesn’t matter.” They turned right, started walking up a slight incline.

  “You’re not going to keep me guessing.”

  “No, I won’t do that. I had a visit from Christina today. She texted me this morning saying she wanted to talk about something important.”

  “Did she come to the house?”

  “She did. I wasn’t at all prepared for what she had in mind. She wanted to know if you and I want to adopt her baby.”

  “What? Really?”

  Michele nodded. “She’s totally serious. She said she’s given it a lot of thought. And prayed about it too.”

  “What brought this about? Do you know?”

  “I guess she’s reached some fork in the road with the adoption agency she’s working with. She hasn’t used very much of their money yet, but that’s about to change. She said she’d feel guilty if she let them pay for some of the big-ticket items coming up and then pulled out of their arrangement.”

  “So if we did this,” Allan said, “we wouldn’t be going through her agency?”

  “No, if we did that, it would cost us just as much as anyone else.”

  “So . . . we’d be doing, what, a private adoption?”

  Michele nodded. “I don’t know what that involves, since I haven’t been looking into adoption, but I guess you just agree to pay the hospital costs and some attorney fees. Whatever it is, it’ll be a fraction of what it costs going through an agency.”

  They walked in silence a few moments. “This really is big,” he said. “Bigger than when we decided about the house.”

  She squeezed his hand. “I know. I did a little checking after she left. If we decide to do this, we’d have to do it soon. There’s all kinds of things we’d have to get started on. Lots of paperwork, sign up for a home study. All kinds of things.”

  “So you’re thinking seriously about this?”

  “Well . . . yeah.”

  “I thought you were pretty much against the idea of adopting, until we’d gone through all the medical solutions to you getting pregnant.”

  “I thought so too. I’m still kind of leaning in that direction, but now I don’t know. What if this is something God wants for us? It’s so out of the blue. Maybe God put the idea in Christina’s heart. If he did, I don’t want to shut it down because it doesn’t line up with my plans. And when I think about how much it costs to adopt the normal way . . .”

  “I’ve heard over twenty-five-thousand dollars,” Allan said.

  “Exactly.”

  They made it to the stop sign at the end of their block. “Want to keep walking?” he asked.

  She responded by tugging his arm to the right. There was a nice sh
ady park at the end of the next street. They walked past two more townhomes without a word.

  “It’s so hard to know what to do,” Allan finally said.

  “I know.”

  “This wasn’t even on my radar.”

  “One thing I can tell,” Michele said, “Christina’s 100 percent committed to placing her baby with an adoptive couple, no matter what. If not us then someone else.” Michele thought about one other thing Christina had mentioned. “And she said something else that almost broke my heart.”

  “What?”

  Michele thought about that moment again. “Sometimes I take my family for granted. Even with all our problems, you forget when you’ve had something all your life, how much it matters to someone who’s never had any at all.”

  “What did she say?”

  “She thought about what it would be like—how awkward it would be—if you and I adopted her baby, and she stayed right here like she is now.”

  That seemed to hit Allan. “Yeah, I guess that would be awkward.”

  “She thought that through and said she knew if we did this, she’d have to leave our family for good. She’d even move out of the state, so she wouldn’t be in the way. She was crying as she said it.”

  Allan shook his head. “That’s pretty heavy. She really loves it here, loves your folks especially.” They walked a few more steps. “That would make it pretty hard for me. Thinking we were responsible for basically putting her in exile.”

  “I don’t like that part of it, either. But if I’m being honest, and we decided to do this, I’d be glad she’s willing to do something like that. I know it works for some people, but I think it would be hard for me to bond with an adopted baby if the birth mom was constantly involved.”

  “Is that your gut instinct? You think we should do this?”

  She sighed. “I don’t think I have a gut instinct about this. Since Christina left this afternoon, I’ve been spending about ten seconds at a time, going back and forth between being thrilled and scared to death.”

  Allan laughed, took a deep breath. “I think I’ll be joining you on that roller coaster in a few minutes. This isn’t the kind of thing you figure out. And it’s not like there’s a Bible verse that speaks to it, none that come to mind anyway. We’re just going to need to pray, really pray, and ask the Holy Spirit to make it clear. To give us the wisdom to know what to do, and to give it to us in a way that we can understand. When does she need to know by?”

  “She didn’t say. Just soon.”

  He looked up ahead. “There’s that nice park. Let’s aim for the bench under that big oak tree. I don’t see anyone around, so let’s just sit there and give this whole thing to God. It might take a little while for us to discern what he wants us to do, but I’m confident he’ll make it clear.”

  Michele liked this. It was great being connected with her husband again.

  33

  Over the next two days, Michele and Allan talked and prayed about this issue. A lot. They hardly talked about anything else. Michele had confided in Jean but no one else. Not even her mom. She hated hiding anything from her mom, but Allan felt they needed to respect Christina’s wishes on this. Christina didn’t want to bring Michele’s mom into the discussion unless they felt pretty certain they were going to say yes.

  Michele looked at the digital clock on the microwave then stood and peeked through the window to see if Allan’s car was coming down the alleyway. It was Saturday, but he’d gotten called in to work. She didn’t know why she was so nervous. Standing there, she thought back to their dinner conversation last night. Allan said he had been searching through the Scriptures for guidance but, for the most part, came up short. He found lots of verses that spoke of God’s willingness to direct their steps in general, which did encourage him. Several Scriptures reminded him how highly God viewed adoption, even using the metaphor of adoption to describe how Christians become his sons and daughters.

  But Allan couldn’t find anything that helped him know for sure whether or not they should adopt Christina’s baby.

  He’d concluded by saying, “I think this is something we’re going to hear in our hearts, not our heads. Like I said before, let’s both commit to really listen to the Holy Spirit over the next twenty-four hours, and ask him to give us both the same answer.”

  So that’s what they did. They stopped talking about it the rest of the night.

  Michele spent most of today getting caught up on housework, which kept her mind occupied. Throughout the day, though, she kept whispering little prayers, asking the Lord to make his will clear.

  While she ate lunch, her mind had begun to wonder and dream. When Christina had first shared the idea, Michele was so overwhelmed that it hadn’t occurred to her how close Christina was to delivering her baby. Five weeks. That was all.

  Which meant, if this idea was from God, Michele would have a baby placed in her arms five weeks from now. She would be a mom. Her torment would be over. On one level, the thought thrilled her. Imagine, not having to wait nine months for a baby but five weeks. Not waiting who-knows-how-long to get pregnant. For that matter, what if it wasn’t even possible for her to get pregnant? What if they learned one of them had some physical problem that shut the door completely?

  But if this adoption opportunity was from the Lord, she and Allan could have a family now. Well, five weeks from now. But that was hardly any time at all.

  This daydream of adopting Christina’s baby went on for some time. But it didn’t last. As much as she’d wanted it to, it just wouldn’t stick. She was more aware of this strong undercurrent in her heart that kept sweeping the images away.

  Sometimes with a big decision, her mind would create a pros-and-cons list, and she’d involuntarily go over each side in her head. This wasn’t like that. It was like standing in front of a door you desperately wanted to open, but the knob just wouldn’t turn.

  She heard a noise and looked out the window again. It was Allan; his car had just pulled into the garage. He’d called her on his way home. She had begun to explain things to him but didn’t get very far before he was interrupted by another call he had to take. He said they’d talk as soon as he got home.

  “Let’s talk outside,” Allan said. “Seems like it’s cooled down enough.” He led Michele out to the covered patio. He was so glad to finally get to talk to her about the things going on inside him, but he was nervous at the same time. What if he’d heard wrong? What if he’d missed what God was telling him? The stakes were higher in this situation than almost anything else they had faced together.

  As they sat, he reminded himself that they had prayed for God’s wisdom, for God to speak the same word to both of them. It was time for Allan to trust God and share what he had received and hear what Michele had to say.

  “You look like you had a rough day,” she said. “Anything go wrong?”

  “Not really. I think it’s just this adoption thing. It’s such a big deal. How’d your day go?”

  “It was fine. Kept my mind occupied with housework.”

  “So, does that mean you didn’t get time to wait on the Lord?”

  “No. I had a good quiet time this morning after you left. Short but fruitful. I prayed off and on throughout the day. I kept waiting for, I don’t know, some powerful moment where the Lord would make it so clear, I couldn’t possibly miss it.”

  “That didn’t happen?”

  “Not exactly.”

  “Did anything happen . . . to push you one way or another?”

  “Oh yeah,” she said. “It was just a lot more subtle than I was expecting.”

  He reached for her hands. “So tell me about it.”

  “You go first.”

  He really didn’t want to. What he had to say wasn’t good. Well, good wasn’t the right word. What if Michele had heard the opposite message? She seemed so vulnerable right now. The last thing he wanted was to cause her more stress and pain. “Do I really have to? I’d really like to hear what you have
to say.”

  “Allan . . . c’mon. You can just tell me. You’re the man. You’re supposed to lead.”

  He took a deep breath. “Okay. But listen, if we didn’t get the same direction on this, you don’t have to—”

  “Allan, just say it.”

  “I don’t think we’re supposed to adopt Christina’s baby. There, that’s it. I can’t really tell you why. On paper, it makes perfect sense to say yes. There’s no good reason not to say yes. The first part of the day, for most of the morning, I was very positive about it. Whenever I had a spare moment to think, I’d daydream about how our lives would change if this happened.”

  “I did too. Were they pleasant daydreams?”

  “Oh yeah. I loved them. By lunchtime, I was sure the answer was going to be yes.”

  “Then what happened?” A curious smile came over Michele’s face.

  Her smile puzzled him. “Then . . . throughout the afternoon, I became aware of something else going on inside. I don’t know how to explain it. But it was like I felt this certainty that we shouldn’t do this. That we’re not supposed to. Then I found myself wrestling with that. But I couldn’t shake the certainty. And I realized, I wasn’t wrestling with the answer I felt God was sending but with what it would do to you. How much you’d be disappointed.”

  Her smile grew slightly wider, and her eyes moistened.

  “Then when I got in the car to come home, before I even started the engine, there it was. Not an audible voice, like someone sitting in the backseat. But almost. This thought came into my mind as clear as a bell. This isn’t the child I have for you. I don’t know how to describe it, but I knew instantly it was the Lord.” He choked up as he said the last part.

  Michele’s eyes now welled up with tears. But Allan got the sense he wasn’t seeing sorrow. “So tell me your story.”

  “It’s amazing. That’s all I can say. God is amazing.” She slid her chair back and stood. “I’ll be right back. I don’t know how I thought we could have this conversation without tissues.” She walked into the house, leaving the patio door open.