The Desire

by Gary Smalley

  A few moments later she returned. “I had almost the exact same kind of morning. And almost the exact same kind of afternoon. It was like all the joy about doing this completely evaporated. Somehow I knew in my heart, it wasn’t going to happen. It wasn’t supposed to happen. Instantly I could tell, all those happy thoughts and dreams of becoming a mom in just a few weeks were just fantasies. And yet, instead of feeling sad, I felt total peace. Then you know what else happened?”

  “What?”

  “Even though I knew it meant Christina’s baby was not for us, it didn’t make me sad. Somehow I also knew there was something else God wanted me to know . . .” She could barely say the next part. “He has another child in mind for us.”

  34

  Come on in, Christina.” Allan stood back from the doorway.

  Michele stood a few feet behind him. After they had reached the decision a short while ago, Allan took the lead and initiated this visit with Christina. Michele was glad. She couldn’t imagine handling something like this by herself. He had called Christina, asking her to come over for coffee after dinner.

  Michele turned back toward the living room, heard their footsteps following behind her. “I have a fresh pot of decaf made and some cookies. Would you like some?” she asked Christina. She already knew Allan would.

  “That would be great, thanks.”

  “You two go sit down in the living room, I’ll bring it out.” As she prepared the coffee, Michele was surprised to find she wasn’t nervous at all. And she didn’t detect any tension on Christina’s face. She walked the coffee, cream, and sugar out to them on a tray.

  Christina looked at both of them as she stirred half-and-half into her cup. “I guess you guys made a decision about the baby, right? That’s what this is about?”

  “You like to get right to it,” Allan said.

  “I’m from New York,” Christina said, smiling. “I don’t have a choice.”

  Allan sat forward in his chair. “You’re right, that’s why we wanted to meet. How have you been the last two days, since you and Michele discussed this?”

  “I’ve been all right. A little edgy but not too much.”

  “You’re five weeks from your due date, right?” he asked.

  “That’s what they tell me.”

  Allan sipped his coffee. “Before I say anything else, Christina, Michele and I want you to know how honored we are that you would consider asking us to do something like this. I really mean that. It’s a huge thing.”

  “You’re welcome. But after getting to know you, it was an easy decision to make.”

  “And Michele told me, as part of that decision, you were even willing to move, to leave the Anderson family and River Oaks altogether.”

  Christina nodded. “I’d want to make it as easy on you as possible. Not just on you but your whole family. I’m the kind of person who’d have to be all in or all out. I think it would be way too awkward if I hung around.”

  “Michele also told me how much you’ve grown to love this family, and how hard it would be for you to leave.”

  Michele looked into Christina’s eyes. That got to her. But she held it together.

  “I get that,” Allan continued. “It’s rare these days to find a family as close as they are.” He looked at Michele. “I love being a part of it.”

  “Me too,” Christina said. “Well, I’m not really a part of it. Not like the two of you.”

  “You are a part of it, Christina,” Michele said. “I know, for my mom, you’re not just someone she’s helping at the Resource Center. She cares about you, a whole lot. I don’t know you the way she does, but I already understand why.”

  “And since you want us to get right to it,” Allan said, “I guess one way to say this is . . . you’re not going to have to leave the Anderson family once your baby is born.”

  Michele looked at Christina. It took a few moments for what Allan said to sink in. But it did.

  “So you’re not going to adopt my baby?”

  Allan reached for Michele’s hand. “No, we’re not. But we’d love to. And I’m not just saying that. Both of us had some wonderful daydreams today as we thought about it. On many levels, it doesn’t make any sense for us to say no.”

  Michele was curious now. She wasn’t sure how Christina was doing, but she could tell this news didn’t crush her like she thought it might.

  “But on one level, it did make sense to say no?” Christina asked.

  Allan laughed. “No, that’s not what I mean. That’s just an expression. It didn’t make sense to say no on any level.”

  “Do you mind telling me how you knew?” Christina asked. “How you knew you weren’t supposed to say yes?”

  Allan did a good job gently explaining the process they went through to help discern God’s will. It only took a few minutes, and Christina listened intently. Still, when he finished, she didn’t seem upset about the decision or even show any signs of discouragement on her face.

  “Do you have any questions?” he asked.

  “I don’t think so. I couldn’t say it as good as you, but I did ask the Lord to prepare me for whatever your answer was gonna be. I think he did. It wasn’t like anything I heard. Not like a voice or anything. But as time went by, especially after you called to invite me here, it’s like I already knew what you were going to say.”

  “I’m so relieved,” Michele said. “The last thing I’d ever want to do is hurt you.”

  “That’s nice of you to say.”

  “Earlier this afternoon,” Allan said, “I decided to call the adoption agency you’re working with. I didn’t tell them about anything we’re discussing. I just asked for some information about the kind of screening they put couples through before they approve them to adopt a baby.”

  “They went over all that with me,” Christina said.

  “It’s a pretty extensive process,” Allan said. “I was impressed.”

  “I know. I’m sure that’s part of the reason why I’m not freaking out right now. They’re really careful about who they give babies to.”

  “Yes, they are.”

  Michele was impressed that Allan had done this. He hadn’t mentioned it to her before now. But it was just like him to be so thoughtful, to think through the possible fears and insecurities Christina might have when they said no.

  “So you know your baby is going to be placed with a couple that has a very stable Christian home.”

  “I know,” she said. “I think what happened was, whenever I thought about where my baby might end up, based on the stuff they were telling me, I kept imagining her being with someone just like you two. And then something clicked in my head on one of those times, and I thought, why not you instead of a couple like you? I remember you telling me, Michele, that you really weren’t interested in adopting the first time we spoke back at the playground. But I thought I had to give it a shot.”

  “Well, we’re really honored you did,” Michele said. “And you’re right, I did say that when we first talked. I still want to try to have a baby the old-fashioned way. Allan and I are going to look further into what that might involve, medically speaking. But I learned something about myself through this situation.”

  “What’s that?”

  “When faced with the very real possibility that I could be a mother very soon, I realized I wanted to say yes. It didn’t matter to me that the baby wouldn’t be mine. You know what I mean, by birth. For hours, I kept thinking about how wonderful it would be to have a child to care for as my own, and I knew right then, it didn’t really matter to me if that child came naturally or through adoption. That was a real breakthrough for me. I don’t know what God has for Allan and me down the road, but you’ve helped my heart get to a much better place.”

  35

  FOUR WEEKS LATER

  “You poor thing. You didn’t have to come in today.” Marilyn looked at Christina waddling through the back door of Odds-n-Ends. The store hadn’t opened yet.

  “I k
now. I wanted to.” She took a few steps down the hall then stepped left through a doorway to set her things down on the lunchroom table.

  Marilyn walked her way. As she came closer, she caught a glimpse of Christina’s side view. Over the last four weeks, she had gotten so big. “You still have one more week left, right?”

  “Six days to my due date, but I think it’s gonna be today. Look at my feet. I couldn’t even put my shoes on. You think Harriet’s gonna mind?”

  Marilyn looked down at Christina’s flip-flops. Her ankles had completely disappeared. “She won’t be in until noon. But I’m sure she’ll be fine.”

  Christina looked up at the clock. It was just a few minutes before nine. “I’m not sure I’ll even last till then. I hardly slept at all last night, again.”

  “Let me guess, multiple trips to the bathroom?”

  “Felt like every thirty minutes. I had to sleep almost sitting straight up to relieve the heartburn. It’s awful. And the pressure in my lower back feels like the baby doesn’t know where the door is.”

  Marilyn laughed. “You feel her all the time now, I bet.”

  Christina nodded. “I’ve been feeling something else this morning too.”

  “What’s that?” They walked into the open store.

  “I’m pretty sure I’m starting to have my first contractions.”

  Marilyn turned around. “Really? Are you sure? You know about Braxton Hicks contractions, don’t you?”

  Christina nodded, wincing as the baby kicked her left side. “These aren’t them. I’ve already been having them. I read all about it on the internet this morning, and about how the real ones feel. I’m starting to time them to see how far apart they are, but I lost track driving over here.”

  “They’re that close?” Marilyn asked.

  “About ten to fifteen minutes apart. I had one while driving and had to pull over until it stopped.” She looked at her watch. “So another one is due any minute.”

  “Christina, oh my goodness. Has your water broken yet?”

  “No.”

  “Come over here and sit down.” Marilyn led her to a chair behind the counter. “I’m going to call Michele, see if she can stay here with us. I don’t think she’s teaching today.”

  “No, don’t do that,” Christina said. “I don’t want to bother her too soon. Maybe we should wait until they’re closer together.”

  Marilyn walked back to the lunchroom to get her phone. “I won’t ask her to come right away. But I’d still like to call her, give her a chance to get ready. She insisted I call her the minute you went into labor.” She came back into the store. “This way she can be ready to come whenever we call.”

  “So, you think I’m in labor then? Officially?”

  “I think you could be. We’ll know in a little while for sure. If those contractions keep coming, if they come more often and more intense.”

  Christina slid a small box over and propped her feet on it, then rubbed her stomach. “Were any of your babies early?”

  “Doug was, just about a week early, like this. Both Tom and Michele were late. Tom, one week. Michele almost two. Here,” she said, lifting her phone. “Let me call her now. I have to unlock the front door in a few minutes.”

  “It was stupid of me to come,” Christina said. “I can’t work in this condition. I think I was just afraid of being alone.”

  “Don’t worry about it. But that’s why I want to call Michele. I can’t leave the store until Harriet gets back at noon. If you need to go to the hospital before that . . .” She found Michele’s number and pressed the button. Michele picked it up on the third ring.

  “Hey, Mom, what’s up?”

  “I guess since you answered this, you’re not teaching today, right?”

  She heard Michele sigh over the phone. “No, I’m not. So far I’ve only taught twice in the last week.”

  Marilyn remembered Michele telling her they had started a baby fund in their savings account. All of Michele’s school money would go into it.

  “So, what’s up? Are you home or at work?” Michele said.

  “I’m at work. I’m here with Christina. We’re about to open in a few minutes. The problem is, it looks like today’s the day. I think she’s starting to go into labor.”

  “Really?” Michele squealed into the phone. “She’s in labor now? Has her water broken?”

  “Yes—and no, to the second question.”

  “I’ll be right there. I just need to get a few things together.”

  “No need to rush. I just wanted to give you a little heads-up, that it definitely seems like it’s going to happen today. We thought you probably don’t need to come down until the contractions are ten minutes apart.”

  “Where are they now?”

  “Closer to fifteen.” She looked over at Christina, whose face was all contorted. “Are you having one now?”

  “Feels like it.”

  “We still have a ways to go,” Marilyn said into the phone. “I just wanted to call you so you’d be ready and not go out shopping or anything. If it’s in the next three hours, I can’t go with her. There’s no one else to watch the store.”

  “Well, I’ll start getting ready so I can leave as soon as I hear back from you.”

  They said good-bye and hung up. Marilyn looked at Christina and wondered if she felt excited or something closer to dread as this moment arrived.

  She had one more phone call to make on Christina’s behalf. Something Christina had asked her to do as a favor—to call the adoption agency for her when the labor pains started. Marilyn was happy to do this and understood why it might be a challenge for Christina to do it herself. But there was another reason, a much bigger reason, for this phone call.

  Typically, this was the day when most birth mothers who consented to adoption changed their minds. They may have wanted to place their baby in a stable home and may have even agreed to do this on paper. But the truth was, the counselors had to be very careful not to pressure the young mothers into feeling this was their only choice, even after they’d made it. The laws were written to protect the mothers’ freedom to change their minds after the baby was born. Marilyn didn’t know the statistics, but it happened a lot.

  Christina had insisted that she would not change her mind. She believed God had made it clear that the couple she had chosen from the files to adopt her baby were the ones God had picked to raise the baby as their own. She was so certain of this that she wanted to break protocol and have the agency call the parents when she was brought to the hospital. They couldn’t take the baby home right away, but she wanted them to know it was happening, so they could get ready. She had learned a lot about them, though she didn’t know their names or even where they lived.

  She hoped they lived in Florida or somewhere close, so they could see their baby right after she was born. And then be able to take her home the moment the law allowed.

  Marilyn walked up to the counter and looked at Christina. “Want me to make that other call, the one to your adoption agency?”

  “What?” Christina said, repositioning herself on the chair.

  “Michele can join us as soon as we give her the word. But I wondered if you wanted me to call the adoption agency now, to let them know what’s happening?”

  “I forgot all about that. Definitely call them, if you don’t mind.”

  “You sure you’re ready? You don’t have any doubts at all, now that the contractions have started?”

  Christina looked directly in her eyes. “I’m totally sure, Marilyn. God’s put total peace in my heart about this. I know this is the right thing to do.”

  “Okay, then, if you’re sure.” And she dialed the number.

  36

  Michele had just hung up the phone a few minutes ago, after a quick conversation with her mom. Now she was in the car and so nervous. Christina’s contractions were ten minutes apart. It was happening. Today really was going to be the day.

  She said a prayer for Christina
as she backed out of the garage. They had become very close over the last four weeks, and Michele’s respect for this young woman had grown deeper. She had never known anyone in a “crisis pregnancy,” had never really pondered the physical and emotional challenges they faced. It was a scary time.

  So many young women of her generation, millions, had chosen the easy way out when they had gotten pregnant unexpectedly. Michele had forgotten how many abortions were performed each year, but the number was staggering. There were so many, because it was so easy.

  But Christina had said no. No to herself and yes to her baby.

  A few days ago, Michele had asked her, now that things were getting so close, did she have any regrets about going through with the pregnancy. “Not one,” Christina said. “I won’t lie to you, it’s been a lot harder than I expected. But my baby’s not gonna pay for my dumb mistakes.”

  No, she wasn’t. And Michele had no doubts, either, about Christina changing her mind today, once the baby was born. She would put that baby in the arms of a nurse, and they would take her away. Christina would probably cry, but then with a heart full of faith, she would entrust her baby’s future to a young couple not that much different from Michele and Allan, and entrust her daughter into the hands of God.

  Michele felt emotional now as she thought about it.

  Lord, help me be a good friend. Help me not to lose it completely when I see Christina. Help me to share with her your encouragement and a sense of how very proud you are of the young woman she’s become.

  Michele pulled into the parking lot of the River Oaks hospital and stopped her car under a section of shady tree limbs. The hospital was an attractive facility built with a Mediterranean flair. Theme-park-worthy landscaping lined the walkways. She was hurrying through the front door to get directions on Christina’s whereabouts in the building when she bumped into her mom heading the other way.

  “How’s she doing?” Michele asked.

  “Pretty good for someone in labor. I wish I could stay.”