Finding Perfection

by Cassandra Giovanni

  “Because you’re in love with me,” West replied.

  I leaned up again, pressing our foreheads together once more. “Being with you is what makes me happy. Promise me you’ll stay.”

  “I’ll stay as long as you want me,” he whispered, his lips grazing over mine as he did.

  My pulse rushed in my ears. “Forever wouldn’t be long enough.”

  “Than eternity it is,” he replied before placing his lips against mine again. There was no urgency this time.

  There was no urgency this time. I pulled West’s thin cotton t-shirt over his head before removing my own and then moving further up in the bed. I pushed him back into the bed, and he rolled his body over mine, his lips never leaving my mouth. West’s hands moved to my waist, slipping off my remaining clothes, and his body trembled as his chest heaved into my own. I leaned up, holding his face before kissing him again. My hands moved over his shoulders and down to his jeans. West buried his face in my shoulder as the final pieces of fabric separating moved free. I wrapped my legs around his waist, and his eyes closed as his lips parted. We moved with each other, lips pressed against one another as if we didn’t need to breathe.

  “River,” he said, his voice filled with passion that caused my pleasure to spiral up against his. My mouth parted against his shoulder and my fingers tightened around his.

  We lay tangled in one another for a long time, neither of us speaking. I did have a decision to make. I turned to face West, running my fingers over his jawline. He closed his eyes, inhaling.

  “If I have to choose between the two of you. I choose you,” I said, and West’s eyes snapped open.

  “I wasn’t asking you to choose him or me. I’m not going to be that person. You just have to choose whether you want him in your life still, and how you want him in your life. I’ll support you no matter what,” West said, sitting up and pulling me to lay against his shoulder.

  “I don’t know that I’m going to be given a choice.” My voice cracked as I thought of the way Tara had rushed from the room and the way Adam and she looked at each other. “Tara wants nothing to do with me, and it’s obvious they’ve fallen for each other.”

  “You miss more than just Adam?” West asked, and I nodded. “I think she just needs time.”

  I tipped my head back, my eyes tracing the swirls of spackle on my ceiling. “I don’t think we have it. They’ll be off to the next tour stop soon enough.”

  West shrugged. “I might be able to convince Adam to stay. I’m his friend.”

  I turned to face West. “You’d do that?”

  “It’s almost Christmas…” His eyes moved to the box on the dresser that contained Bobby’s jersey and a bottle of his cologne. “I think it’s important for everyone to be together to support each other. It’s not going to be easy.”

  I stood, wrapping myself in a blanket and making my way to the box. I lifted its lid that I kept tight to keep the scent I cherished so much in. It still hadn’t worn off, and it filled my body with warm while sending tears pricking behind my eyes.

  “I think it’ll be easier to be around Adam now that I understand what Bobby and I had more,” I replied before closing the lid and turning. “But it’s going to make this whole time that much harder.”

  West patted the bed, and I slipped back into his arms. “Not to mention Tara.”

  “How do I even begin with her?” I asked, closing my eyes.

  “Adam,” West replied, and I laughed.

  “He was always a good barrier between the people who despised me most and me,” I replied thinking of his parents.

  “She doesn’t despise you.” West kissed my bare shoulder. “She’s hurt and lashing out.”

  “I tried to stay friends with her. She chose Adam over me. She didn’t have to choose either of us. I wouldn’t have made her choose,” I replied, my voice strained.

  “I don’t know, Riv. I feel like there’s more to the story that Tara’s not telling you,” West replied, and I clenched my jaw, tipping my head back.

  “I don’t even know where to start.”

  West’s phone beeped, and he glanced over at it. Adam’s name showed on the screen. He picked it up and swiped the screen. His eyes came up to mine.

  “I think Adam does.”

  Chapter 20

  Adam

  I rubbed my sweating palms against my jeans and looked over at Tara again. She didn’t understand my need to fix things with River. I tried to play it off as West was one of my good friends and from what I gathered from Dad, he wasn’t going anywhere.

  I was okay with that.

  Tara didn’t think I was.

  I couldn’t tell her why I was. It was wrong. Everything was. It had been since Bobby passed away. My chest tightened, and my mouth dried. I took a drink from my water. We were in a restaurant, somewhere neutral, where I felt Tara might not fly off the handle. I could easily order a Jack and Coke, or, my Achilles heel, SoCo on the rocks.

  My throat remained dry. Just like me. I hadn’t picked up a drink since the day River walked away from me, or me from her. I wasn’t sure which it was.

  Tara’s lips twitched as her eyes flashed to the door. They weren’t here yet. I smiled at her, and the tension in her shoulders let out.

  “Thanks,” I said, and she shook her head. “For being there for me all the time. I don’t know where I’d be if it weren’t for you.”

  Tara licked her lips. “I don’t know that I’ve made much of a difference. We’re here now.”

  “I do. You encouraged me to follow my dreams. Kept me on the straight and narrow–“

  Tara cut me off, her eyes cold. “I won’t take credit for that. River can take credit for that.”

  “Take credit for what?” River asked, and her voice sent chills down my spine.

  “Reverse breaking Adam,” Tara replied, sitting back with her arms crossed.

  River stood looking between us as West put his hand on her lower back.

  “That’s not fair, T,” I said, shaking my head at her.

  She widened her eyes at me. “Am I wrong?”

  I gritted my teeth, and West cleared his throat.

  “What does that even mean?” he asked, and he raised his brows at Tara. He wouldn’t put up with her bullshit towards River.

  Tara shrunk. Most people wouldn’t call her out, well, other than me and I always covered with a softness in my voice. That was missing from West’s, and I didn’t blame him.

  Tara’s eyebrows twitched. “She left. He stopped drinking.”

  “Sounds like a good thing,” West replied.

  “It is. That’s why she’s pissy,” River said, crossing her arms. There was a fierceness I knew so well in her eyes. It was one that used to be there when she called me or my brother’s bullshit. I hadn’t seen it in over a year. I chuckled, and Tara kicked me under the table.

  “Maybe we should switch,” West said, nodding for Tara to sit next to me.

  “Probably a good idea, but you sit across from me. I won’t try to strangle you.” She gave River a pointed look and River responded by cocking her head. The feeling was apparently mutual at the moment, and from the look on River’s face, she wasn’t scared of Tara’s prissiness.

  We sat in silence for a moment before the waiter came over and took our orders. I was pretty sure none of us had an appetite, but we were at a restaurant, and food would hopefully diminish the awkwardness spreading between us. I cleared my throat.

  “So…”

  River looked up at me, her eyes flicking back and forth.

  “I think we’re all on the same page that we should attempt to fix things,” I said, and Tara scoffed. I turned to face her. “We don’t all get second chances. Bobby didn’t, and I’m not going to screw this one up.”

  Tara’s chin lowered to her chest, and her eyes fell to her hands.

  “I agree,” River said, and I waited for Tara’s nasty retort. None came. River’s gaze moved to Tara and then me. “What do you think would�
�ve happened if…things were different.”

  I leaned back in my chair, and the things I’d been reflecting on for months played over in my head. If I said them out loud, they couldn’t be taken back, and I didn’t want to hurt River more. She leaned in with her eyes locked on me. If we were starting fresh, we needed to start with the truth.

  “Honestly, I love the life I’m living now.” I paused, my hand reaching for Tara’s knee. She was trembling. “We wouldn’t have worked. We never balanced one another. Bobby balanced me and Tara you…or maybe…”

  My voice drifted, and I looked at Tara out of the corner of my eyes. “Or maybe it could’ve been the other way around. Bobby balanced you and…”

  I couldn’t say the words. Guilt twisted into me and I coughed, looking at my hand on Tara’s knee. Her fingers snaked between mine, giving me the strength to continue. There was a smile curling onto River’s lips that I didn’t understand. She didn’t seem surprised. I swallowed before continuing.

  “Once Bobby was gone, everything was screwed. We’re both high strung and determined. I always wanted this, Riv. I wanted music as my life. I just could never bring myself to tell you.”

  River took a deep breath, closing her eyes. “You’re right. Did Bobby know?”

  “That I wanted to be a musician?” River nodded. “Probably. I told him when we were kids, and I think he just assumed it when I didn’t stop playing as an adult. He tried a few times to get me to do a demo, but I figured he was just trying to fuck things up between you and me.”

  River laughed. “He probably was. I’m too logical for the idea of music as a career. No offense.”

  “Yet you’re dating a tattoo artist.” Tara tipped her chin towards West.

  He rolled his eyes. “Do you watch TV?”

  “You’re successful for now. It’s just like music, tomorrow your business could close,” Tara replied, and I squeezed her hand hard.

  River leaned back. “Glad you don’t just save the bitchiness for me.”

  Tara made a choking noise. River defending herself was something new. I smiled, she’d done it once or twice with my parents, but this was different. It wasn’t like she had a chip on her shoulder. It was as if she knew exactly who she was and didn’t give a crap what anyone else thought.

  “I’m sorry I’m a bit cold to the world,” Tara snapped back.

  “We all have a reason to be, Tara. Not all of us take it out on everyone else,” River replied, her voice soft.

  Tara rolled her eyes and then zoned in on West.

  Fuck no.

  I squeezed her hand, trying to stop the inevitable word vomit. She didn’t take the hint. Instead, she yanked her hand from mine.

  “What’s so bad about your life, West Brighton?” She crossed her arms, looking smug, and I put my head in my hands.

  “You don’t have to answer that, West,” I said, and Tara’s head shot around. She narrowed her eyes at me. She thought I was picking sides.

  I hated it when she was like this. There were no sides, but since River and I split, she felt there was, no matter what I said to her.

  It was us against River.

  West looked at the ceiling, running his tongue over his teeth before looking back to Tara. “Every single one of us has buried a person they loved.”

  Tara’s breath came out in a whoosh.

  “Sophia was younger than Bobby,” he said, playing with his napkin. “And I’m the reason she’s dead.”

  “I…” Tara stuttered, and West shrugged.

  “No, you didn’t know. That’s the point. A lot of assumptions have been made at this table. That has to stop.”

  Tara’s jaw shook. “I guess so.”

  “Look, Tara.” River’s eyes softened. “I know you don’t agree with the choices I made after Bobby died, but we all made mistakes. In the end, we each have to deal with them, but Bobby would’ve never wanted his death to break us apart. Especially, after we had just started patching things up. I miss you both, and I hope you can get past whatever is making you hate me so much so we can be friends again.”

  Tara’s gaze drifted to me, and her red lips pressed down.

  “I’m sick of living our lives in the past. Let’s move forward.” I nodded over to West and River. “Together.”

  Tara inhaled through her nose, and my jaw clenched. If she said no, it would be the end of a future that hadn’t even started yet.

  “Fine,” she said, and I pulled her into my arms.

  “Thank you,” I said into her hair.

  Chapter 21

  River

  I exhaled again as my eyes landed on the Christmas tree through the glass windows of my office. I was surrounded by holiday cheer. It was like Santa vomited Christmas all over our building. The team had decided to have a cubicle decorating contest, which any other time would’ve been amusing to me but this year every single icicle made my chest tighten to the point I could hardly breathe. I felt like Christmas was choking me.

  I swallowed again, trying to concentrate on the advertisement in front of me. My eyes blurred, and Adam’s face came to mind, his hand wrapped around Tara’s under the table. I smirked to myself as my eyes focused on the picture of Bobby, Adam and I sitting on my desk. A knock on the door ripped me from my thoughts.

  “Hey, Boss Lady,” Adam said from the doorway, and I saw Charlie lean around her cubicle with her eyes wide.

  “Adam Beckerson,” she mouthed.

  I rolled my eyes and smiled up at him.

  “I wasn’t expecting you,” I replied, standing and hugging him. “Shouldn’t you be heading back on the road for your next tour stop?”

  He looked down at his feet and then cleared his throat. “We’re taking a pause.”

  “You’re what?” I asked, unable to hide the surprise in my voice. My hands tightened into fists. I didn’t want him to pause anything for me. He’d paused his whole life for me, apparently.

  His eyes came up to mine. “The tour only has a handful of stops left. We’re dropping off so that we can work on our full-length…and it’s a hard time of year.”

  I looked at the fake snow overflowing from Mark’s cubicle and nodded. I wanted to say I understood, but nothing would come out. My throat seemed to have closed up.

  “Sometimes he comes to me,” Adam said, and I could hear my pulse rushing in my ears as I sat back down. “In my dreams. I guess it could just be my imagination, but it feels like him, you know?”

  “Yeah,” I replied, tears pricking in the corner of my eyes. “I’m glad Bobby can finally reach you.”

  Adam’s brow furrowed, and I looked down, picking at the edges of my notebook, curled at the edges. I lifted my head, smiling.

  “He’s been coming to me for a while,” I said, my shoulders lifting. “West says he’s my guardian angel.”

  Adam chuckled. “I kind of think West’s your guardian angel.”

  “And Tara’s yours.”

  Adam’s jaw dropped in the slightest as he stared at me. He tried to shake his head, and I raised an eyebrow.

  “It’s that obvious?” he asked.

  “Tara alluded to it when I tried to apologize the first time,” I replied.

  He shook his head. “The first time?”

  I ran my teeth over my lower lip. “Right before Tara left the firm. I called to talk to her…and she basically said she was doing what I wasn’t.”

  “Doing?” His voice pitched with amusement.

  I put my hands up, my face burning. “Not like that. Just that she was taking care of you.”

  Adam cocked his head, covering his smirk with his fingers.

  “Oh, God, no!” I said, putting my head in hands. “Just that she was making sure you were okay.”

  “You should just stop now,” Adam replied, laughing.

  “Yeah, I walked into that,” I said, and my hands tingled.

  “This is nice.” He leaned forward. “You’re okay with whatever is going on with Tara and me?”

  His eyes ru
shed over my face.

  “Yeah, but are you?” I asked.

  Adam craned his neck, blowing his cheeks out. “I don’t know. It’s not right. I shouldn’t feel like this.”

  “You shouldn’t feel guilty,” I replied, standing and going to lean on the front of my desk. “Bobby would want you two to be happy.”

  “Together?”

  I swallowed as heat rushed to my face. I could feel Bobby’s lips on mine and my hands in his hair. I shook the thought from my mind. “You said it. Even if he were here, I don’t think things would be like they were. Things weren’t meant to be the way they were.”

  My mind moved to that night. The dress. The box in Adam’s hand. My jaw clenched.

  “Yeah,” Adam said, and his eyes were far away. I wondered if he was thinking about the same thing. “I can’t believe it was almost a year ago.”

  I nodded, my stomach knotting. “Me neither. I kind of want to set this place on fire with all its happy holiday shit.”

  Adam chuckled, looking over his shoulder where Charlie was still staring. “Yeah. It doesn’t help it’s like an aquarium in here…and you’re the shark.”

  My head jerked back. “Shark? My employees love me.”

  “I think they love me,” he replied with a raised eyebrow.

  I tilted my head towards Charlie, who went back to typing furiously on her computer. It was more like slamming her fingers against keys aimlessly.

  “Charlie’s a big fan. I’m sure she’d love to meet you…get the famous dude’s signature,” I said, and Adam stood.

  “I think I can do that.”

  I handed him a pen from my desk. “You’ll need that.”

  “Do they stare at West?” Adam asked as we headed towards the cubes.

  “They’ve gotten used to him,” I replied just as West walked through the door. Amber sat back in her chair, eyes following him. “Well, some of them.”

  Adam laughed as we stopped at Charlie’s cube. “I hear you’re a fan?”

  Her mouth opened and closed, but no words came out. She fumbled in her desk for a CD and then held it out.