Finding Perfection

by Cassandra Giovanni

  “It’s Charlie, right?” Adam asked, and she nodded almost as fast as her fake typing.

  West pulled me into his arms. “Hey.”

  “Hi,” I said, leaning up and kissing him.

  He pulled away to greet Adam. “How you doing, man?”

  “Good, I was just about to stop over for my next tat.”

  West looked at his watch. “You’re twenty minutes late. I figured you might’ve stopped here.”

  “Guilty,” Adam said, and I watched as Charlie looked between the two of them.

  Charlie finally found her voice. “How do you know all these famous people?”

  “Childhood friend,” Adam replied, and Charlie narrowed her eyes at me.

  “Couldn’t find time to tell me that?” she asked.

  “Would’ve been awkward,” I said, pursing my lips as I put my palms towards the ceiling.

  “And you know West?” Charlie asked, looking at Adam.

  He pointed towards his arm, covered in tattoos and she nodded.

  She sighed a little, and she cleared her throat as she realized what she did. I pulled my lips into my mouth as I tried not to laugh.

  “Right,” she mumbled.

  Adam winked at her, and she practically fell over in her chair.

  “You two should probably go before you give my employees heart attacks,” I said, looking over my shoulder at Amber who was staring at West’s ass. I narrowed my eyes at her, and she jerked back in her seat before turning and staring at her computer screen.

  “I did have a reason for coming,” Adam said, and his throat moved up and down. I cocked my head. “Uh… what are you doing for Christmas?”

  The question caught me off guard, and my eyes blurred.

  Bobby and Adam’s eggnog toast.

  Waking up to Tara and him on the couch.

  His legs hanging over the edge.

  The Christmas tree.

  “Riv?” West’s hand slipped into mine and squeezed, bringing me back.

  I swallowed hard, but the lump in my throat didn’t want to go down. Adam came into focus, and his features strained. It was a hard question for him, too.

  “I hadn’t thought about it. We’re going to West’s parents on Christmas Eve in Long Island,” I finally replied, and my voice was as breathless as I felt.

  Adam nodded.

  “Why don’t you and Tara join us?” West asked, and my head jerked to look at him. He lowered his eyes to mine, his hand moving up to my face. “Neutral ground will be good for everyone. Why don’t we invite Alec and Vickie, too? My parents have more than enough room. You can even invite your parents.”

  My pulse rushed in my ears as the air filled my lungs and I looked over at Adam. His lips tilted up.

  “You’re a good man,” he said to West.

  “I try to be.”

  Adam clapped him on the shoulder, and then gave in, pulling him into a guy hug.

  “You’re a good man,” he said again, more to himself than to us.

  ~~~

  Awkward.

  That’s what the two-hour ride on the ferry was. A part of me didn’t think that Adam’s parents would go for this, let alone mine, but there we are sitting in my Civic with Adam and Alec in the back seat. My parents carpooled with Vickie, and Tara decided to spend the day with her parents.

  I sunk deeper down in my seat. Thank God for that. I didn’t think we could spend that much time together in such a confined space, let alone at my boyfriend’s parents house without killing each other. I glanced in the mirror to see Adam staring out the window while Alec looked at his hands. What Adam forgot to tell me was the fact he’d hardly spoken to his dad, and still hadn’t talked to his mom.

  West reached over and squeezed my hand. He cleared his throat.

  “I hope you’re hungry. My mom always cooks way too much, and Mags makes the most amazing desserts. She missed her calling as a pastry chef.”

  I turned in my seat, looking between Adam and Alec. Just like when it was Bobby and Alec, the differences were staggering. Alec’s head was pretty much to the ceiling, even though slouched, while Adam was at least a head shorter.

  I forced a smile. “Best eclairs I’ve ever tasted, and she makes this amazing maple pecan pie.”

  “Maple pecan pie?” Alec asked, his eyes wide. “I haven’t had good pie in a long time.”

  Silence fell over us. Bobby loved pie.

  I pulled my lips into my mouth. “We should all have an extra piece for Bobby.”

  Adam raised his eyebrows. “Where are you going to put an extra piece of pie?”

  I nodded over at West. “West will have it for me.”

  West chuckled. “I’d never say no to a second serving of pie, especially for such a good reason.”

  “As if you ever need a good reason.” I leaned over and kissed his cheek. He winked at me, and butterflies that shouldn’t exist after so long erupt, flying around my heart and making it hum.

  My eyes moved to the back seat, and Adam was looking out the window again with his thumbnail in his mouth. I wondered if West and I together bugged him. He caught me looking and gave me a weak smile that made my stomach sink. It probably did. I chewed my lip and watched as Adam’s eyes moved down to his tattoo sleeve, showing since he had the sleeves of his plaid button-up rolled. His eyes narrowed before they came up to look at West’s arm leaning against the armrest. His tattoos were also showing since his sweater was pushed up to his elbows.

  Adam cleared his throat. “How did your mom take the whole tattoo artist thing?”

  “I didn’t give her an option to take it for anything other than it is. She needs to respect West and our decisions if she wants us around. She doesn’t have to agree with them,” I replied, and Adam swallowed hard.

  “Seems like it was a lot easier this time around,” Adam said, more to himself than me as his eyes flicked to the rearview mirror where, no doubt, he could see my parents’ car.

  Alec squeezed his shoulder. “Has nothing to do with it being you, Adam.”

  “He’s right. I’ve just learned to handle my mom differently,” I replied, my shoulders lifting. “It took a lot to get us in the same room.”

  Adam sighed. “I understand that. I wish I could get my mom to respect me and my decisions.”

  “You’re giving her a chance, that’s a start,” Alec said.

  Adam’s eyes met mine, and Vickie’s bitter words echoed in my ears.

  “She’s lucky you’re giving her a chance,” I replied before I could stop myself. West squeezed my hand, and shook his head at me slightly. It was a movement I doubted anyone else in the car picked up. It wasn’t my place. I gritted my teeth. “I’m sure she’s happy.”

  “We’ll see,” Adam said as the boat geared even further down. We were nearing the shore.

  Adam tapped his hands against his jeans. “Maybe next week you can come to my storage place.”

  “Storage place?” I asked, turning to face him.

  He looked down as he nodded. “No reason to rent an apartment when you’re on the road, but I’ve accumulated a lot of stuff as an adult…and I kept the stuff you left.”

  My eyelashes brushed my cheeks as I blinked too fast. The images roll behind my lids.

  Adam in his suit.

  The dress sparkling as he closed the door so I could see it.

  The way he lifted me into his arms to avoid the puddle.

  Then the phone call.

  The doctor’s words on his lips that I never really heard.

  West’s hand tensed on my leg, bringing me back to the moment.

  “Right. I forgot about that stuff,” I replied.

  That stuff included the dress.

  Adam flattened a crease in the roll of his sleeve. “You could come and take what you want, throw away what you don’t. I didn’t feel it was my place to throw it out.”

  West’s body tensed next to mine, and I looked over to see him staring straight ahead with his hand on the steering wheel turning
white from squeezing so hard. I weaved our fingers together.

  Keeping an ex’s things meant one thing. You thought there was the potential for them to come back. My body heated uncomfortably, and I rolled down the window as I looked out it.

  Find me.

  That’s what I’d written, but Adam hadn’t tried to do that as far as I knew. But he kept my things.

  So maybe finding me was always a part of the plan, except I’d come to him.

  And now he was giving my things back.

  “It’s a wonder Tara didn’t burn it all,” West said, his voice tense even though he chuckled.

  Adam scoffed. “That’s because she doesn’t know about it.”

  West’s eyes flicked to mine, and the pain crossed over his face before he could contain it. I shook my head, trying to reassure him. I wanted to lean over and whisper in his ear; to kiss him and tell him it didn’t matter he hadn’t said to her.

  That none of it mattered.

  My chest filled with weight and my eyes moved to the mirror again, where I could see Adam looking at his phone smiling.

  Adam had seen me with plenty of other guys in the past.

  Screw it.

  I leaned over and whispered in West’s ear, “Love you.”

  Goosebumps raced up his neck, and he turned the ignition of the car on.

  “Love you, too,” he replied, loud enough for everyone in the car to hear. I watched as he adjusted the mirror, eyes locking on Adam before he put the car in gear.

  Adam nodded.

  Message received.

  He didn’t seem to care.

  My stomach fluttered, and I put my arms over my stomach to try to settle the feeling. Adam shouldn’t care, and I shouldn’t care that he didn’t. My head pounded, and I rested it against the cold glass as the streets of Long Island flew passed. I closed my eyes. It was as if the past me was having trouble coming to terms with the current me; the me I actually liked.

  I’d chosen this, though. I’d wanted to try to work things out so we could all be friends. West was on board, but suddenly I wasn’t sure it was such a good idea. We drove in silence to the house, and once inside, Adam and our families were swept into the warmness that was West’s. I hung back as they moved into the crowded living area.

  “You okay?” West asked as he took my jacket.

  I pulled my lower lip through my mouth as he stepped forward and took my face in his hands.

  “I feel like I’m on a roller coaster,” I replied, and he kissed my forehead.

  “No one said this would be easy.”

  I looked over to where Adam was standing next to his dad, nodding to something his mom was saying. They were in the same room and not killing one another. That was a start.

  “I just wonder if we’re doing the right thing.”

  West tilted my chin up. “You’ll figure it out.”

  “So you don’t know if being friends with Adam again is the right thing, either?” I asked as my pulse rushed in my ears, hammering into my head.

  “It’s the right thing.” West’s thumb ran over my lower lip. “It’s also weird as all hell.”

  We both laughed, and I leaned into his arms, relishing their warmth.

  “I’m sure of some things but not others,” I replied.

  West’s voice was muffled by my hair. “Which things?”

  “I’m certain I love you,” I said, looking up at him. “But I have no clue why Adam’s lack of reaction to that makes me feel like puking.”

  “Because it makes you wonder if he really ever loved you.”

  Chapter 22

  Adam

  I couldn’t help the fact I kept looking at my phone. I knew it was rude, but I hadn’t heard from Tara all day. Even though she agreed to try to be friends with River again, she wasn’t putting in an effort. I understood she wanted to be with her family today, but when I suggested we do something New Years to honor Bobby, she balked at it.

  She came up with something snide, and I rolled my eyes.

  I nodded to whatever Dad said and looked down at my phone again. My body felt heavy. I shouldn’t have left Tara to deal with her first Christmas without Bobby by herself. Then again, last Christmas was her first with him.

  And last.

  I shifted on my feet. Worrying over Tara had made me do something stupid.

  I’d mentioned the storage facility River’s stuff was in. West looked like I’d punched him in the gut. I glanced around the room, and my eyes landed on him standing with River. His arm was wrapped protectively around her waist with his fingers in the front of her jean’s pocket. He towered over her, but as she looked up at him and smiled, it seemed they were a good fit.

  My chest tightened, and I coughed as I looked away, reminding myself River and I were never a good fit. My eyes drifted back to my phone again.

  “Adam,” Mom said, and it shook me from my Tara-worry-induced-stupor. “When did you meet West, anyway?”

  I rubbed the back of my neck. “Awhile ago. Right before we went on tour.”

  “Just some random tattoo artist?” she asked, blinking as she raised her glass of wine to her lips.

  I shook my head. “West’s the best on the East Coast. I figured if I was going to honor Bobby, I should do it properly.”

  “That’s sweet.” Mom’s lips lifted, and I blinked hard as her hand moved to the arm covered in tattoos. I flinched, and she looked down at her glass of wine before walking away.

  I closed my eyes. Mom was being nice, and I’d fucked it up. Typical.

  “Don’t worry about it,” Dad said as I opened my eyes. “She knows she has to make up for what she did.”

  I rubbed the back of my neck, watching as Mom mingled with West’s relatives. She seemed softer than before, but I didn’t know that I could trust she cared.

  “How are you doing being around her?” I asked, looking up at him. He looked so much like Bobby.

  Dad laughed before taking a swig of his beer. “I’m not around her much anymore. Makes her more tolerable.”

  “Ah,” I said, taking a sip of water.

  “How’s life on tour?” Dad asked.

  “It’s good. I know it’s not for everyone, but seeing my fans singing our songs is amazing.”

  Dad cleared his throat. “Better than teaching?”

  There wasn’t judgment in his tone, but my muscles still stiffened. “It’s different.”

  We stood in silence for a moment, both our eyes moving around the room.

  He broke the silence. “I’m sorry…for what I said about you being a teacher.”

  My jaw went slack, and he locked his gaze on mine, blue eyes trained on me, begging me to forgive him.

  “Life’s too short to do something you hate. So I just hope whatever you do, no matter what it is, that it’s what you want from life,” he said, and I shook my head before pulling him into a hug. “I love you, son.”

  As I pulled away, my eyes found River. She smiled at me, and I returned it.

  “Thanks, Dad,” I said, and it was the first time I’d called him it since we’d started talking a few months prior. His body relaxed.

  “I hope you can forgive your mom someday, too.” He put his hands up when I tensed. “I’m not saying now. Hell, I’m surprised you forgive me. I see this as the first step in mending our relationship…or creating a relationship we never really had. Your mom wants that, too. “

  “She said that?” I asked, looking over to where she stood talking to River. River’s mouth was tight, and I knew she still had a hard time being around her.

  Dad’s shoulders lifted. “She’s here, isn’t she? With her actions speak louder than words.” My brows went up. “Well, technically her yelling is pretty damn loud.”

  The tension broke, and we laughed. “I should probably go talk to West.”

  Dad nodded. “About that bomb you dropped in the car?”

  I cringed, and he squeezed my shoulder.

  “He’s a good man. He’ll understand,” he
said, and I inhaled through my nose as I made my way over to where West stood with River. “You got a second, man?”

  “Sure.” He leaned down and kissed River’s forehead before following me over to where the drinks were. I grabbed myself another water and tossed him one. I knew that while he drank, he didn’t drink more than one of anything. He’d already put his Scotch on the rocks down, hardly having touched it. “What’s up?”

  “I feel like I need to apologize,” I said and West’s lips pursed as he shook his head. “No, I shouldn’t have mentioned the whole storage thing.”

  West tipped on his heels. “Why did you keep it?”

  The simple letter in my wallet seemed to have a life of its own. Keeping that was probably worse than the stuff in storage.

  “I couldn’t get rid of it.”

  West inhaled through his nose, nostrils flaring. It wasn’t the answer he wanted, but it was the truth.

  “I always figured we’d come back together in some way or another. There’s a lot of memories there, more from our friendship than our romantic relationship. When we split I lost more than my girlfriend, I lost my best friend. And I’d already lost my brother. I just couldn’t.” I locked eyes with him. “I hope you take it for what it is. She’s a part of who I am.”

  “I get it.” West looked over his shoulder at her, a smile twitching on his lips. “She’s easy to love.”

  “I appreciate you being cool about all of this. I don’t think I would be if I were in your place,” I said, and West’s eyes flashed, cutting into me for all the things I did in the past.

  He knew what I’d done. Even if he hadn’t known me personally, he knew my lyrics that he’d engraved on my skin. They were constant reminder River had been damaged from it.

  His voice was deep, at a register only I could hear when he finally responded. “I won’t let River drown for me…or you ever again.”

  The words knocked into my chest, and a weight planted itself there as I nodded. I looked at River, an easy laugh floating off her lips as she talked with Dad and West’s mom.

  “I’ll hold you to that,” I replied.

  Chapter 23

  River

  My whole body was heavy as I flopped back in bed. I was greeted with puppy kisses, but they did nothing to lift the pressure off my chest.