Outlaw

by Amanda Lance

  “What—?”

  “I wanted to take something of yours with me.” She shrugged like it was no big thing but I had to repeat the words over and over in my head. Why, after what I had done to her, put her through, would she wanna be reminded of me in any way? Was it so that she wouldn’t go and be nice to nobody in the future? The thought made me real sad, like I hadn’t been in a long time. I might not have killed her, mighta even been able to get her home somewhat safe, but if I’d broken her…

  “This is my favorite…”

  I lifted my head and kept my hands as I flipped the back cover. I could feel the pages disintegrate in my hand, but at least the best sketch was still there.

  After Wallace had trashed the place, I never did an inventory or anything, but now I was sorta relieved that the book I had done most of my drawings of Addie in were in one piece—well, sorta anyway. With half her face covered up with the sleeve of the sweatshirt it was hard to know if she liked them or not, but if she didn’t I was more than willing to tear up what was left of ’em and start from scratch.

  “Those first sketches you drew of me, when you first brought me here?”

  I nodded, looking down at a sketch, the one where she was laying on her side and trying to balance a paper bird on her hand.

  “Yeah, I think I ’ready knew then that I loved you.”

  Smiling, I tugged the sleeve away from her face. The lump that shoulda been in my throat was long gone—taken out by the fear of havin’ almost lost her so many times already, and knowing that I never would really have her.

  “I know when you leave here, I ain’t ever gonna see you again. You’ll be in the papers and TV and stuff, but that ain’t the same.”

  I laughed and sat back down next to her. “So it’s funny. I guess I wanted to take something of yours with me, too.”

  She blushed, the words gushing out all at once. “You kind of had that opportunity last night.”

  “I ain’t gonna ruin you.”

  Addie launched herself at me and I held her as tight as I could without squishing all the air outta her. I even took the hood of the sweatshirt off so I could hide in her neck and under her still-wet hair. She responded by clutching the back of my neck, her fingers digging into me all desperate.

  “You should have just told me what was going on, with Wallace being here and everything,” she whispered at me.

  “Nah.” I squeezed her just a little tighter. “It’s better if you hate me.”

  Giggling, she kissed my tattoo. “I tried and couldn’t, you fool. I couldn’t hate any of you.”

  “Not even Reid?”

  As usual, her laugh was great. Yet I couldn’t enjoy it like I wanted to. It was important that she understood we weren’t outta the woods yet and we had to be on guard just in case. “We’ll make port in a few hours and if we don’t find Wallace by then, we could be in for some trouble.”

  “Only a few hours?”

  I nodded. “You were gone all night. I never thought to look in that hold again after I left there, and all the other ones were searched.”

  I mentioned how her teeth had chattered and tried to look inside her mouth. “Other than that, Addie, you were so still, and cold. Your lips were blue. I thought maybe you left for good.” More words lingered in my head, about how I’d felt when I’d seen her like that, how bad it hurt, but the lump was back in my throat and I couldn’t get it out.

  She pushed her forehead up against mine. “Hey, Charlie?”

  “Yeah?”

  “I’m really glad you found me.”

  “Addie, you maybe—” Maybe you’re the best thing that ever happened to me? Maybe could you ever love me, too?

  Instead of askin’ it though I chickened out, happy that she let me kiss the side of her neck. “I’m real glad you found me.”

  I did manage to tell her how much I liked her laugh.

  “Stop trying to change the subject. What were you going to say?”

  I laughed then. If she wasn’t breaking my balls she was turning me on. It wasn’t a wonder that women lived so much longer than men. With the way she had been tossing me around, it was a shocker I had made it this long.

  “You ain’t gonna let me get away with that, are you?”

  “Nope.”

  “I was saying that I wanted you to call your family.” Not an entire truth but not a lie, either. I hadn’t exactly thought ’bout her people or nothing when I couldn’t find Addie, but somehow they had been in the back of my mind the last couple of days. I’d been telling myself it was ’cause I’d only heard so much ’bout ’em, but I was beginning to think it was more than that—that maybe I cared because she did.

  “It can only be for a few seconds, but you need to do it. They’ve loved you your whole life and you’ve been gone for days. I’ve just loved you for the better part of a week and losing you just ’bout drove me crazy. It ain’t no wonder why your old man is making such a fuss—”

  I didn’t get to say nothing else before she leaned over to kiss me. I kissed her right back, loving how she tasted like clean water and pink, if pink had a taste. We couldn’t seem to stop neither, like if we did both our hearts would stop when we stopped touching. I’d dug the fingers of my one hand in her hair, but with the other hand I was rubbing my thumb along the curve of her hip bone. While I was trying to keep myself tame, she was like something outta my wildest dreams. And with her hand on my thigh and her moving to push her chest against me, I didn’t know if I could control myself much longer.

  Luckily though, oxygen got the better of both of us and we both had to pull away.

  “What,” I said between my wheezing, “was that for?”

  “Just to make sure you understand how you inspire me.”

  I sighed. “You got no idea what that means to me.”

  Somehow her hair had gotten messy again and I tried to work it loose while we laid in bed together. The whole time she batted me away though, and kept trying to get me to keep my broke hand still and ‘bove my head.

  She asked me if it hurt but I shrugged and told her I was used to it.

  “Charlie, why does it have to be that we can’t see each other after all of this?”

  Why? There were a million and one reasons why, and one of them didn’t even include the fact that she could send me and the guys to the joint any time she wanted.

  “Addie, I don’t expect you—”

  I got quiet when she put her finger at my mouth. “Just hear me out, okay?” I zipped my lips and kept them that way. I knew by now that if Addie Battes wanted to say something, there wasn’t nothing that was gonna stop her, so I might as well of gone ahead and let her say her piece.

  “Things will probably be crazy for awhile. I’m not naive enough to not know that. But after some time when things cool over, we could meet somewhere. There are colleges and universities all over the world, Charlie. I can find one and be anywhere you are.”

  “It ain’t that simple, Addie. I’m a thief. That’s who I am, that’s what I’ll always be. I don’t know how to do nothin’ else.”

  “That’s not true and you know it.”

  “You shouldn’t be stupid for me.”

  “Just listen! I’m not asking you to do anything else, Charlie. I don’t like how you make your money, but all you have to do is be you and I’m going to be around. Have you ever heard any of those stories about crazy, stalker people?” She pointed herself out like I didn’t already know she was nuts. “Well, I, sir, intend to be one of them.”

  I had to admit, it made me grin like a crazy myself.

  She pulled me as tight as I thought her thin arms could. “I’m going to have you whether you like it or not.”

  My eyebrows musta gone straight to the ceiling. I’d never imagined her to talk to me like that. “You’d chase me?”

  “It wouldn’t be an option.”

  Few people had dared to imitate me so I couldn’t tell if hers was any good or not. Still, it made both of us laugh right up u
ntil we started kissing again—only pulling away to laugh some more.

  ***

  I didn’t have to tell her ’bout the phones being bugged, but her idea of leaving a message at her old man’s office probably wasn’t gonna work, either. I asked her if she had a great-great aunt or something she could call—since the odds of a distant relative being bugged wasn’t real likely—but she said other than her brother and old man she didn’t have any real family. It only made me feel more connected to her than ‘efore.

  I stretched out while she took off her sandal, rotating her kinda swollen foot. Remembering how she’d fallen on it running away from me, I frowned and sat up to get a better look. It wasn’t bruised or nothing, so if she was in pain I could hardly tell at all.

  “Do you want me to carry you?”

  She smiled and rolled her eyes. “I’m okay.”

  “What if I wanted to carry you?” I reached up to get my arms around her knees. Once I did, I pulled her over to me ’til her upper half fell over my shoulder.

  “No way.” She giggled.

  Addie argued with me even while she limped out of the cabin, down two sets of hallways and to the end of the stairs. I wasn’t gonna try and watch her shuffle her way up those though, I didn’t have it in me to watch her struggle that much—no matter how stubborn she wanted to be.

  “Oh, come on!”

  I already had her in my arms and was taking the stairs two at a time before she started complainin’.

  “I ain’t waiting ’round forever.”

  “That is ridiculous.” She sighed like she was real annoyed but wrapped her arms around my neck anyways. “I wasn’t going that slowly.”

  “You’re right.” I smiled. “’Sides, I would wait forever.”

  We both flinched when the sun hit us, not ready for it, and surprised that the rain would ever let it come out again. I put her down and took her hand when she had a hard time steadying herself. The water was still real choppy, but at least the storm didn’t look like it was gonna come back. We walked to the edge of Deck A together and I handed her one of the throw away phones, reminding her one more time not to take too long.

  She gave me a hard time for lecturing her, but her eyes glowed with a kinda happiness I’d never seen before and her smile was flush. I got a new sad in me, but I didn’t know why.

  “When I’m done with this, you should go take a nap.”

  “No.” Nap? That musta just been more of her craziness. Didn’t she know that if I slept it would just be more time that I had to spend away from her? Time that I’d never get to have again.

  She smiled. It was tired and kinda worn out, but still real pretty. “Why not?”

  I shrugged. “I only get so much time with you. I don’t want to spend it sleepin’.”

  Addie stopped smiling then. To her, maybe I had just been a way to get through a crummy situation. Like her being nice to me was her way of dealin’ with a bad time like how whores do drugs to get through a night’s work. And a couple of days ago I coulda lived with that—hell, probably woulda loved it. If I was a little more stupid I never even woulda known. If I was a bit meaner even I woulda encouraged her, taken her every which way from Sunday and bragged ’bout it for the rest of my life.

  But now that I loved her, letting her go was gonna hurt like hell.

  ***

  After saying a few words to her brother and old man—who surprised us both by pickin’ up the phone—her hands were shaking bad ’nough that I had to almost take the phone from her. I chucked it into the ocean as hard as I could but it still didn’t make me feel any better. It was only for a couple of seconds, but I got the feeling that getting’ back to her family had reminded her of what she was missing out on. And as selfish, stupid, as it was, I wanted the time I had left with her to be as perfect as possible.

  “I think I need to get cleaned up.”

  We didn’t say nothing to each other as we walked to the showers, but the second she left me alone, I started smoking what was left of my pack. I took one deep long inhale after another, finishing almost a whole smoke before I let myself breath normal.

  It wouldn’t be long now before she would leave me, and though I’d had a while to make myself ready for it, it wasn’t enough. I was pretty confident that she wasn’t gonna go running into the arms of the first cop she saw or nothing like that. She would probably think nice ’bout me for a day or two…but once she’d had a decent rest and saw her family and friends, she’d come around again. Addie didn’t know the world enough, herself enough to know if she could love me.

  I did, though.

  I knew it could never happen.

  I was on my third smoke when she stepped out, all cleaned up and fresh. She smiled at me, but I just looked back down at the floor.

  “The second you step off this ship, you’re gonna come to your senses.” I smiled when I realized how messed up it was. Here the world was worrying about her, when she was the one who was gonna end up hurting me. What was that word again? Irony?

  “I’m real grateful, don’t get me wrong.” I laughed though it wasn’t funny, thinking that if I didn’t I might cry like a great big baby instead. “But the second you realize how crazy this is, you’ll get your head back. It’s already started, hasn’t it? Pretty soon, I’ll just be a bad memory. You’re gonna live the rest of your life not even remembering you were the greatest thing that ever happened to me.”

  “No, Charlie, no.”

  She took my smoke from me and stomped it out, which was kinda silly since it was pretty much gone, anyway. Nevertheless, I liked all her sudden energy, the fire that had come back to her. “I’m not leaving you behind.”

  Addie hugged me around the waist and I held her close, not having the heart to tell her she was wrong—that I missed her already.

  “I plan on loving you until the day I die.”

  I flinched when I heard her say ‘die.’ All the memories of seeing her half dead like a piece of defrosted meat in a butcher shop came back to me all at once.

  “So there!”

  Sticking her tongue out she made a funny face and I tried to smile for her.

  “Will you stay with me for a while?” I asked.

  She smiled against me. “You know I will.”

  I musta fallen asleep as soon as my boots were off and my head hit the pillow. But when I did, it wasn’t a real heavy sleep and I made sure she was close to me—pulling her close even when she tried squirming away.

  That was why it kinda shocked me later on when I woke up and she wasn’t there at all.

  Chapter 16

  Knowing what little I did ’bout girls, The Fear didn’t set in right away—especially when I remembered how I panicked like a little girl before. I checked the showers and bathrooms for her first. When she wasn’t there, I started up towards the galley. By then, I was feeling spooked but I knew the guys were trying to rest up ’til we made port and probably didn’t wanna be bothered unless it was an emergency. With any luck, this was just another false alarm, another misunderstanding and she’d be right around one of those corners. Just any minute now…

  When she wasn’t in the galley I headed for my cabin. Addie coulda been there already. Maybe she had just gone to the bathroom and gotten lost on her way back. Hell, we’d probably just missed each other.

  “Looking for something, Hillbilly?”

  Standing in the doorway, I froze in my tracks.

  “You know, I hear it’s always in the last place you left it.”

  I’d left the light on when I’d left, but now it was off. And though I couldn’t see him, I could smell him real good. He stank like a trailer park I’d stayed at once, with all the waste coming outta the ground, garbage everywhere and heat all the time.

  Like a little kid, I tried to wish him away.

  “Close the door, Hillbilly. We gotta talk.”

  I did as he said, but I was afraid to let go of the doorknob. Not ’cause I was afraid of him, but ’cause I was afraid of wha
t I would do to him once I was alone in a room with him. If he’d done something to Addie, I wouldn’t be able to stop myself from beatin’ him to bone.

  “Whata you doing here?”

  “Even you can’t be that stupid.”

  Sighing, he turned the light back on. I think we musta both blinked hard at the same time at how bright the light was, but it wouldn’t a mattered anyhow. He held the blade too close to him for me to make a move safely.

  If it was possible, he looked worse than he smelled. He head was caked in brown and red dirt-rust by my best guess. He also wasn’t wearing a whole lot but a torn up pair of jeans and an undershirt stained yellow with sweat. The only good thing was that the one side of his face that had split open hadn’t scabbed up yet and the rest of him was healing bruises.

  “You already got all the money outta the safe, right? When we make port, Ben can get you more-”

  “No, Hillbilly. We’re settling this right now. You and me.”

  I was afraid he was gonna say that. There was no way I would get lucky enough for him to just take some money and walk away. No. No, like we’d all thought, he had wanted more than that.

  “Ain’t exactly a fair fight.” I stared at the blade. He musta spent all week sharpening it somehow.

  “If ya figure that I’m in the greatest form right now and a little outnumbered, then it about evens out.”

  I half smiled. “You and one knife ain’t nothing.” I spat at the floor, just missing his feet. “You’d be lucky to hurt me with that thing.”

  “Maybe.” He shrugged. “But if you or Benny tries to sic the dogs on me you’ll never find out what I did to your little girlfriend.”

  “If you hurt her—”

  “Hey!” He raised the blade up so I could see. “Don’t threaten me motherfucker, I’ve had a hard week!”

  I took a step back. If he wanted to think he was in control I’d let him think that all day long. I’d let him do almost anything his dark, little heart desired as long as she was all right. “Okay, okay. Just stay cool.”