The Boyfriend List

by Novelle, R. S.

  Please say yes, please say yes, please say yes... she chanted in her head. The truth was she very much would’ve loved his company, maybe a little too much, but she wasn’t certain she trusted herself around him yet...alone...in the middle of the night. There were too many possibilities, too many temptations that her imagination could come up with. If she acted on any one of them, and was wrong in her assumption, well the let down could be brutal at best.

  “Tired? Me?” He shook his head and made a face at the suggestion. “The party was just getting boring. Too many of the same people, not worth the time.” Was he implying that she was worth his time then? Reagan certainly hoped so, considering how long they’d been friends. But she couldn’t help wondering if there was something more behind the words. “So what do you say? Can I walk with you?” And as he tilted his head in that subtle way that only Ian could, a dimple working it’s way into the corner of his cheek, she felt her breath rush out of her lungs.

  He’d put the ball back in her court again. Damn him! There’d be no getting around it this time, she’d have to give him a definitive answer. And quickly. Reagan knew she should say no. There was something inside, warning her that it wasn’t a good idea. As though accepting his innocent invitation would somehow change things. Alter their relationship and shift their energies toward one another in a way that could never be put back again. But, when she really thought about it, hadn’t they kind of done that already?

  And yet everything inside of her wanted to scream yes, and keep the moment of what they’d started earlier in the day moving forward. It wanted to let him take her hand in his, entwine her fingers around his, as though it was the most natural thing in the world for them to be doing. All she could manage though was a simple nod, stiffened by the breath she held tightly in her chest. It was almost as though she was afraid to acknowledge what she wholeheartedly wanted, even to herself, because doing so would only leave her open and vulnerable to a future of regrets and failures.

  In the back of her mind, those concerns were all she could think about in those brief moments between her answer and his smile - a smile that, when it shone as warmly and brightly as it was now, had the ability to rid her of every other doubt in the world she’d ever clung to. Which is perhaps exactly why she’d dared to link her arm around the one he’d offered her, and allow herself to be escorted down the last flight of stairs and across the street onto campus. Transfixed by the perfection of the moment, she already knew it was probably going to turn into a night she’d never forget.

  As they crossed a lawn spotted with shadows from the streetlights, Ian suddenly released her, only to turn and face her as he continued to walk casually backwards, keeping up with her pace. “Did you have a specific destination in mind?”

  “Not really,” she laughed, “but watch out, you’re gonna trip walking like that.”

  He brushed off her concern. “Good,” She could see the dimples in his cheeks despite the low lighting, “then I have somewhere I want to show you.”

  And before she could calculate exactly what had happened, Reagan felt his warm hand clasp firmly around hers before he took off at a sprint toward the stadium, dragging her along behind him. Breathless, and with a sheen of sweat glistening at her forehead, he finally released her in front of the large, cement building. As she bent over, acknowledging that was more cardio than she’d done in an entire semester, he began checking the tall, iron gates by rattling them back and forth.

  “What are you doing?” A quizzical stare was etched between her eyebrows as she gulped deep breaths of air.

  “When there aren’t any games coming up on a weekend, sometimes they leave the gates open.” He happened to have found one that gave more than the others when he pushed. “See?” And though it was dark and she could barely make out his face, Reagan was certain his eyes were sparkling at his discovery. “Come on, hurry up.”

  The fact that he was looking around to make sure no one saw them immediately sent off a flurry of internal alarms for Reagan. “Are we...are we allowed to?”

  “Probably not.” But Ian was merely laughing at her, “Have you ever broken a rule?”

  The question had felt like an accusation, and crossing her arms over her chest merely made Reagan look that much more indignant. “Maybe.”

  But Ian merely laughed again and lowered his voice a little. “It’s good for you, you should do it more often. Now will you please get your ass over here before we get caught? I don’t want the fun to be over before it starts.”

  Uncertain if it was the night air, her frenzied week or maybe that she’d finally allowed herself to do something different, she couldn’t help but to feel alive in a way she’d never felt before as she crossed the threshold and passed through the gate. She felt edgy for finally breaking a rule, and yet safe because she’d done it with Ian. It was an invigorating, addictive feeling that penetrated her to the core and energized every fiber of her body. Yes, she thought to herself, though she could hardly believe she was admitting it, this was exactly what I needed.

  The stadium was all too familiar to her, after the dozens of visits she’d made to rambunctious games filled with drunken audiences. And there was an intimacy she’d always assumed she’d had with it. But now, under the veil of darkness as the quiet surrounded them and their footsteps echoed out over the field, she realized this was very much a different place than she’d realized. Without the crowds of sweaty fans, and the stench of trash and cheap food, without the loud bands competing for attention and the cheerleaders below stealing it away from them, it was actually peaceful here. Tranquil. Dare she think it? Relaxing.

  She could’ve spent hours exploring the cavernous building from this whole new perspective, it wouldn’t have mattered either way to her. But Ian seemed to have a plan, and he was following his own directions with confident precision. Around and around, they climbed higher up the ramps until they’d reached the fourth level of seats, almost at the top.

  “Are you scared of heights?” Ian turned to her.

  Reagan nodded her head that she was as panic grew her large eyes even wider, but she managed to plaster a fake smile across her lips.

  Ian leaned closer, until she could feel his breath tickling her ear, and the fake smile all but dissolved. “Then you better not look down.” He teased as he disappeared out the opening of the gate and into the sea of aluminum seats glistening under the moonlight.

  Biting her lip, both in disappointment and growing concern, she crept closer and closer to the edge until she could hear her own heartbeat thudding in her hears. And then she did exactly what he’d told her not to do – she looked down. Everything below her swayed and spiraled, and she reached her hand out until she felt the cool comfort of the wall. Truthfully, she was beginning to think she could be content staying right where she was until he decided to come back. But that wouldn’t do, she lectured herself as the sheen of sweat returned to her brow. She couldn’t be a wuss, not in front of Ian. Closing her eyes, she swallowed hard to suppress the fear. And when she opened them again, she saw a hand, palm up, offering its assistance. “Come on, I’ve got you.”

  Holding her gaze steadily with his, he kept her focus occupied as he took her hand and practically lifted her to the row of stairs he was occupying. Then she felt a strong arm wrap around her waist, holding her tightly until she could relax again. “You okay?” Reagan nodded that she was. “Okay, you go in front of me, and climb to the top. See that landing? That’s where we’re headed. Trust me,” He ended in response to the doubtful look she’d given him, “it’s gonna be worth it.”

  Reagan did see the landing he was talking about. It was flush up against the wall that separated the screaming fans from a perilous fall to the ground below. Of all the times she’d visited for a game, never once had she been quite this high up. The thought was more than perplexing, but at least if she fell, Ian might break her fall. He’d better be right, she thought to herself as she rubbed her palms against her sweatshirt and began the cl
imb on shaking legs. This had better be worth it. She wasn’t sure how she was going to get back down, but she’d have to worry about it once they got to that point.

  When they finally made it to the top, Ian took the lead again and led her into a small alcove, tucked away behind the next level of seats. And through there was their final destination. A small concrete platform, completely secure and completely safe as far as Reagan could tell, that couldn’t be seen from anywhere in the stadium. “How did you find this place?” She looked around in amazement.

  “I used to wander around alone my freshmen year. A lot.” He laughed good-naturedly. “And I’ve been coming here ever since. But here’s the best part.” He pulled her close, until she could smell the faint, lingering scents of his cologne on his shirt, and pointed up. She began to follow his direction with her eyes. “Look.”

  Reagan did, and the view nearly took her breath away. In the crisp, clear night, all she could see was a canopy of a thousand stars twinkling down on them against a black sky. The brilliance, the pure magic of it nearly took her breath away. “I haven’t seen anything like this since I was a kid.” The admission had escaped her lips before she realized she’d even been thinking it, so lost was she in the natural beauty around her.

  “Yeah,” Ian was nodding, “there’s nothing quite like it, and this is the only place you can see it from. Everywhere else is too flooded with light get a good view. Here, sit down.” He was taking off his long sleeve shirt for her to sit on before she could make a face about the dirty floor. The faint scent of his aftershave and smoke from whatever bar he’d been at tickled her nose, arousing her more than she thought it should as the material moved around her. Beneath it, his white undershirt strained against muscles tight from cold and invigorated by exercise. It was a pleasant distraction she couldn’t tear her eyes from. Calm down, Reagan, calm down.

  “Aren’t you gonna get cold?”

  “Na.” He sat beside the shirt and patted it, indicating that she should join him. Relenting, she did, and could feel the warmth radiating from his body. Then to keep her neck from straining, she leaned back against her elbows and looked up into the sky. If she kept focusing on the stars, she could almost, almost, forget how high up they were.

  And she could almost, almost, forget about everything that had been plaguing her mind. Including her recently confusing and tormenting thoughts about the very man sitting beside her. In fact, she was fairly convinced that just a few more minutes out here would’ve wiped the slate clean for her. Had she not made the mistake of turning her head at just that moment, and had she not caught his eye. His gaze drew her in, reminding her of everything she’d been trying to forget as her stomach wound itself into a tight little knot of uncertainty and yearning and curiosity.

  Though she was inclined to check it off as her own imagination, she knew that this time, in this instance, that just wasn’t true. There was something there on his side as well, something about how his jaw was set and his torso turned toward her that was neither mistakable nor undesirable. It was the way he was staring at her, all dark and clouded, his lids heavy over intense eyes. She knew that look. Every girl did. And it almost startled her. It was a look of unadulterated desire accentuated by restraint pulling against eagerness. It short, it was lust in it’s purest form and it was the most improbable look to be directed at her, coming from the most improbable person on all of campus. And yet it all felt very real, very provocative, very... right. Too right, almost, as though it had been lingering under the surface of their friendship the entire time, and she was only just now beginning to recognize it.

  As he leaned in, smoothly closing the space between them, all Reagan wanted to do was to release herself to the moment, but she heard her own lips betray her innermost concerns as they uttered, “I, I can’t...I can’t do this.”

  Ian reared his head back in confusion. “Why?” She studied his face hard, looking for any sign of anger or rejection. She didn’t find it. Instead she found warmth and concern, and she began to somehow second-guess her initial reaction.

  “Because, you’re perfect.” Her own embarrassment had her stumbling over the words, and she pulled her fingers up to press against her lips. “And I’m just...”

  But he stopped her before she could finish the thought. “Reagan.” He wrapped his hand tenderly around hers and gently drew it away until he had a clear view of her face, until her eyes met his, filled with uncertainty though they were. “I’m not perfect. Not by far. And you’re the most beautiful girl I’ve ever seen.” Nothing but sincerity flowed from his words. “I’m nothing without you, I need you more completely in my life. I thought you felt the same way.”

  She could feel something shifting between them now. He was withdrawing, and the thought had her in a near panic. In an effort to stop it from going further, fix it, pause it, do whatever she could to regain the ground she could feel she was losing between them, Reagan began sputtering out everything she’d ever thought, everything she’d kept suppressed. “Sure I do! But you’re not a relationship person,” she exclaimed, “and I can’t let myself go through that again. I can’t get hurt by you, I can’t lose what we have now for a minute of something more.”

  “Not a relationship person? What do you mean?”

  “I mean for all the years I’ve know you, you’ve never had an actual girlfriend. Not for longer than a few weeks, anyway. You like to hook up with girls, but you don’t actually date them. And I need something more than that, Ian. I need something that lasts pretty close to forever because that’s the kind of girl I am. If I can’t have that, then friendship is the next best thing. And I don’t want to mess that up.”

  The brutality of her own honesty had surprised even her, so she wasn’t exactly sure what kind of reaction to expect from Ian. Any other guy probably would’ve been offended by her accusations, maybe become defensive or even walked away from her. But this was Ian, and he was different. Yet even all her years of knowing him hadn’t prepared her for what was to come next.

  Instead of becoming offended, defensive or leaving her perched high up in a place that scared the hell out of her when she thought about climbing back down, Ian released her hand and began stroking the side of her face. His touch felt like a feather, and it quieted all the confusion and angst that was swirling around inside of her. “Reagan,” his voice was patient and calm as he tucked a tendril of hair behind her ear that had worked it’s way out from her bun, “I’ve never been able to get into a relationship with anyone else because I’m in love with you. I always have been, couldn’t you tell?” She shook her head, barely, to indicate that she couldn’t. “But you’ve always acted like you weren’t interested, so I’ve left you alone as much as I could all this time.”

  Her breath nearly stopped at his confession, and she wondered if she was dreaming all of this up. If Petra wouldn’t come in and wake her up any moment now and shatter this beautiful illusion she’d created. Just to be certain, she subtly pinched the side of her leg and flinched at the realization that it was all very real. And that everything she’d ever wanted was unfolding right in front of her. He’d said it, there was no denying he’d actually used the word love this time, without stopping himself or covering it up.

  “I need you Reagan, I need more than what we’ve had. More than what you’ve given me. I’m tired of playing these friendship games. I want all of you, exclusively you, and I promise if you give that to me, I’ll never let anything hurt you. I’m not like the other guys you’ve known. You can trust me. Give me a chance to show you.”

  While he’d been speaking, he’d taken her hand again and pressed it firmly against his chest, right over his heart so she could feel it beating there. Its pace was fast, as fast as hers was, and she could feel it was different this time. There was more there than empty promises, more than a casual fling. She knew she needed to respond, but words, thoughts, emotions had all escaped her. They were meaningless now, none having the weight and power that she wished to express i
n that moment. All that was left for her to do was press her body closer to his. Brush her lips lightly against his. He took what she offered, and met it with the full expression of years of pent up desire. His passion consumed her, overwhelmed her, and as she felt the hot trickle of a tear of relief falling down her cheek, she allowed herself to be swept up in him fully as her heart opened to a sensation she’d never before dared to feel.

  It was 3:00am before Reagan returned to her room - alone, but fully content. As though she were walking through a dreamy haze, her mind raced with the memories of Ian’s gentle guidance as he’d helped her back down the stadium stairs... the way he’d reached for her hand as they’d passed through the gate, and intertwined their fingers as they’d slowly strolled back over campus... the way he’d pulled her into him, pressing his body against hers under the streetlight as his mouth crushed hers with deliberate passion...the moment they’d reached her landing, and how he’d pressed her against the door, gently caressing the side of her neck with his lips, whispering in her ear to come upstairs with him as his hands worked over every inch of her body. She’d wanted to, god how she’d wanted to!

  But something deeper inside of her was telling her to take it a little slower, enjoy the moment for what it was. And so she’d snuck through the door, teasing him with just a glimpse of what might unfold as she’d sashayed her hips and threw him a smoldering glance over her shoulder. The look on his face – heated desire mixed with uncontrollable need – was all she needed to feel satisfied. In that moment, she felt like the most enticing, the most powerful – dare she say it? - the most beautiful girl who had ever graced the campus. And it was perhaps the first moment since she’d arrived there that her haunting insecurities hadn’t reared their ugly heads.