Breaking Elle

by Antoinette Candela

  “I’m sorry.” His apology hovers in the air.

  “Tyler,” I breathe, hanging my head in my hands unable to look at him. If I could find the words, I would ask him why he’s doing this.

  “No, actually I’m not. I don’t know how many times I’ve wanted to do that,” he murmurs, taking my hand in his.

  I turn to him looking through the strands of hair that curtain my face. “This won’t change anything between us Tyler. I won’t let it.” He gently tucks my hair behind my ear, eyeing me pensively.

  “I don’t want to hurt you. I never have and never will. You have to understand how hard it is for me to sit back and watch you go through all this shit.”

  “No relationship is perfect, you know that. The only constant in my life has been you, and I don’t want to jeopardize that with a kiss or anything else.”

  “I know you don’t feel it, but nothing you say or do can change how I feel about you, ever.” He breathes. “I go along with it for you. That’s what I do, right? Make sure everything’s okay. I don’t mind that at all, because you know deep down in your heart that you’ll never be able to replace me. I will always be in your life and that’s good enough for me.”

  “I know that.” I whisper, looking into his eyes. I take his hand and lean against his strong shoulder, the shoulders that always carried me.

  Reed’s gone and Tyler kisses me. I knew it was coming, but I let it happen even knowing the way he feels about me. I’m anxiously wondering if I should tell Reed about what happened, if he even has to know since nothing will come of it. I should be distancing myself from Tyler, but I can’t and I won’t. Instead, we’re going out with Evelyn who can’t take no for an answer.

  My phone buzzes. I know who it is, and smile when I see his name.

  Reed: I’m dying without u.

  Elle: Please don’t. I need u.:)

  Reed: Need you 2. B home soon.

  Elle: Soon is not soon enough.

  Reed: Soon is better than never.

  I set the phone on my desk and feel lonely, and I’m not quite sure why. I want to call him back, hear his voice, but time will pass and he’ll be here. He’s with his family, and I know how much they mean to him. I could tell from the first time he mentioned his mom that he’d do anything for her. It must be difficult for him to stay away. I wonder if at some point he’s going to want to go back to be close to her. Just the idea of him leaving makes my heart sink. His leaving is a possibility that I’m not sure I can handle.

  I don’t find much comfort in my room anymore even though it’s filled with memories of my life. I drop myself on the bed contemplating, torturing myself with the idea that Reed will not stay here. What if his mom needs him? I know I can’t leave my mom now that she needs us, so I would expect him to do the same for his mom. I have to keep this in the back of my head, prepare myself if it happens. Nothing is ever certain. But why even bother? Why not just end it now before I get in too deep? Am I already in too deep? And why am I already thinking that the worst is going to happen? God, I’m so damaged.

  Restless, I boot up my laptop. Yep, here you go again. I just want to validate what I’m feeling. What’s wrong with that? I google Landon Hunter, his previous alias, -alias like he’s some kind of criminal. These results are much different from my previous search using his current name. There are hundreds of stories about his career at Texas A&M, his knee injury, losing his contract with the Dallas Cowboys, and hundreds of images of him on the football field. Of course, there are the pictures with a female— a tall, blonde with blue eyes, a typical Texan beauty with the perfect body to boot. Now my mind is running wild with all kinds of crazy scenarios. Is this one of his secrets?

  I scroll down further and find a link to a Facebook account not used in over a month. The last post was the day before his birthday from a Campbell Johnson. What the hell does she have to say?

  Happy Birthday. When r u coming? Your gift is waiting.

  It looks like she’s not ready to let him go. I wonder if she’s still holding on to it or has already given him that present. What else am I supposed to think when there are secrets we are withholding from each other? I scroll through the pictures of him with his family, friends, and some with her. I can’t look anymore. Clutching my head in my hands, I wonder what I’m going to do. Is there’s anything I should do, or should I wait and watch everything play out? I need a release. Maybe going out tonight is what I need.

  “Hey.”

  Gasping in surprise, I spin around to find Tyler watching me from the edge of my bed.

  “I didn’t even hear you come in.” I smile, hazarding a glimpse of his face in the dimly lit room.

  “I didn’t want to interrupt you while you were on there.” He grins crookedly, leaning back on his elbows, his white t-shirt pulling across his taut chest, and his worn blue jeans sitting perfectly on his lean waist.

  “You can’t do that again. You scared the crap out of me.” I smile, walking over to the closet to pull out a couple things while he answers an incoming text on his phone.

  “Who’s that?” I ask, looking over my shoulder, watching him return the text.

  “Phoebe.” He frowns, stuffing the phone in his pocket.

  “Getting serious?” I ask, feeling a twinge of envy before I head to the bathroom to change. Why should I? Like anyone else, Tyler has needs, too.

  “No. She wants to hang out tonight, but I already have plans with you.”

  “I don’t want to put a damper on your love life,” I say, laughing.

  “Impossible.” He chuckles. “She’s nice but not my type, not what I’m looking for.”

  “What are you looking for?” I ask, tilting my head curiously.

  “Do you really have to ask?” He pinches his brows and looks down at his feet. “Something always seems to get in my way,” he mumbles, running his hand through his hair.

  “I’ll be right out.” I pretend not to hear his last comment.

  “Okay.” His eyes follow me and then he gets up and steps towards the bedroom window. I close the bathroom door and lean up against it. What’s happening? I steal a deep breath and close my eyes, telling myself I can’t allow anything to damage our friendship, but these feelings have surfaced that feel much stronger than friendship. Can one kiss do that? I have Reed and I have Tyler. I need them both, but why do I feel this guilt even though I haven’t done anything wrong? Or have I?

  I focus on getting ready for the night, slipping into a pair of jeans and a black halter-top. I apply some makeup, brush my hair out, and spray some perfume. I need to stop beating myself up about my messed up emotional state, and push everything out of my mind so I can enjoy myself tonight, for once. “Ready.” I chirp as I open the door, trying to lighten my mood, but like always, my problems confront me once again.

  “Landon Hunter?” I shoot my gaze at Tyler who’s standing over my laptop staring at the screen. “Holy crap, Elle? Are you shittin’ me?” He spins to me, giving me a pointed look. My mind is so all over the place that I didn’t think to log off.

  “It’s not what you think.” I brush past him, slamming the laptop shut. He clutches my shoulders and turns me to face him. “Really, it’s not?” I stare down at my red toes peeking out of my shoes. I can’t look him in the eye.

  “Okay. What the fuck is it then?” He deadpans. He’s silent for a minute while I continue to look at my feet. “Look at me, Elle.” He gently raises my chin. His touch is comforting even though I know he’s pissed off at me.

  “I admit that you may have been right about him, but he explained it to me. I understand where he’s coming from.”

  “And you’re okay with it?” He asks, his frown slowly weakening.

  “Yes, I believe him. We all have shit in our past. You of all people should know how much I have. There’s stuff he still doesn’t know about me, and at some point, I’m going to have to tell him.” My voice waivers, but my eyes never leave his face.

  Dropping his hands to his sides
, he retreats, and his eyes churn with concern. “I know what you said, and you know what I said the other day and I meant it. I can’t make you do anything that you don’t want to do. I can only be here for you. And if you believe him, and if this is what you want to do, then I’ll stand by you. Just know that if he hurts you, I’m gonna have to kick his ass,” he says, cracking a charming smile.

  “You’re the best.” I hug him. Relief washes over me knowing that he supports me and that he’ll never leave my side. “So, you really think you can kick his ass?” I laugh, grabbing my cell and shove it in my purse.

  “Have you seen my guns lately?” He eagerly flexes his arms for me.

  “Nah, I haven’t noticed anything.” I reply, smirking.

  “Come here, you’re crazy.” He grabs my arm and pulls me in for a tight hug. “Seriously, you’re nuts.” He laughs.

  I don’t keep track of the drinks. I just keep on drinking. I feel wound up like a yo-yo, and I just need to let go. The last thing I remember after the shot of Patron is dancing with a couple guys, and Tyler dragging me off the dance floor by my arm. I’ve never seen him so pissed in my life. We take a cab home instead of going home with Evelyn who wants to stay until the wee hours of the night. I am in and out of consciousness, feeling nauseous from the alcohol but the steady rhythm of Tyler’s heart beating on my cheek and his fingers rubbing my shoulder comforts me. He mumbles, thanking me for not being heavy as he fumbles to find the spare key. He’s the only one besides my family that knows where it’s located.

  “Tyler.”

  “Yeah, Elle.” He huffs, carrying me up the stairs to my bedroom.

  “How much did I drink?” I ask, trying to lift my head to see his face but it falls limp into his chest.

  “Seriously?” He whispers, smiling down at me. “When you have to be carried like this, it means you’ve blown through every flashing yellow light. You basically said fuck you to your blood alcohol content.” He chuckles softly.

  I grin against his chest. “Was it your Long Island ice tea?”

  “No.” He laughs. “I don’t like seeing you this way,” he says, tapping my bedroom door open with his foot.

  “How is it that you like me?” I whisper, trying to fight past the effects of the alcohol.

  He lays me down on the bed and sits next to me, pushing my tangled hair away from my face. “I like everything about you.” He turns away, and I could have sworn he said something else.

  “I didn’t hear you. What did you just say?” I sit up even though my head is spinning. I touch his arm.

  “You’ve never been able to hear me.” He still hasn’t turned to me. I capture his chin with more force than intended so he faces me. “I love you. I love everything about you,” he whispers fiercely, dropping his eyes to the floor.

  Clutching his face in my hands, I kiss him, kiss him hard because I want to and my heart tells me I need to. He wasn’t expecting it, gasping in surprise; but then he meets me, gently grabbing my neck, pulling me closer, and kissing me back. I run my hands through his hair, but he snatches my hands away, pulling his lips from mine.

  “No! This is not how I pictured it,” he whispers harshly. “I won’t have it this way. You’re drunk.” He stands up and slowly lowers me back on the bed, placing both of his hands on either side of my face on the mattress, staring into my eyes. “Get some sleep. I’ll give you a call in the morning.”

  I close my eyes unable to say anything. I feel his lips on my cheek, and hear his footsteps and the click when he closes the door behind him.

  Fuck. I don’t want to see Campbell while I’m home. That was the first thing I said to JuJu and Tommy when I told them I was coming home. I should’ve known she was going to be here in the first place. The Lone Star is the most popular hangout in town. We used to come here all the time when we were dating, but I was hoping she had moved on from this place. I heard she’s dating a big oil guy, but from the way she’s looking at me now from across the room, she’s not satisfied.

  I can tell she’s different now, more assertive, and confident, flirting with a couple of guys near the dance floor. She wasn’t that way with me. I don’t know if was because of me or maybe she just finally grew up or she’s drunk.

  The memory of her returns; they’re just memories and nothing else. When I used to think of her, I’d feel sad about the break up, thinking about what could’ve been. Seeing her now and knowing what I have with Elle, I’m glad I let her go. Your perception changes over time. People change over time. I know I have.

  I was a ladies’ man on campus, but I wasn’t as bad as the rumors made me out to be. That was just part of being the star wide receiver on the football team. It doesn’t help when most of the players on the team enjoy extracurricular activities with numerous females. They kind of lump athletes all together as having no attachments, always thinking with the wrong head. A big group of guys with big egos and raging hormones.

  I remember the first time I met Campbell. She was different from the other girls I met. She came from a good family, and she was smart and sweet. She caught my eye at one of the practices that her girlfriend who made the rounds through the team dragged her to. Dating an athlete didn’t interest her like the other girls on campus. That reason alone made her more of a mystery to me. I wanted to know what she was about. She was the first girl who I pursued on campus, and I got shit for it from my other teammates. At the time, it was worth it to me. She changed me.

  The pursuit, the challenge was the best part about it. I think I scared her. I liked that. She had that deer in the headlights look. All I wanted to do was save her or maybe I needed saving. When she finally let me in, we complemented each other. She gave me balance and I gave her the opportunity to live a little. The next year we were inseparable until my mom got sick. I was devastated and didn’t know how to handle it. Campbell’s lack of support hurt because she knew how much my mother meant to me. She was the only girl in my life that I really cared about apart from my momma and sister.

  I didn’t ask too much from her. She did try. I’ll give her that. Seeing Momma like that was as hard for her as it was for me. Juju and Momma loved her. She became part of the family for a little while. I don’t think she was prepared for the drama that was taking over my life. With all my visits to the hospital, she started to spend less and less time with me and said that she needed to focus on her studies. I gave her what she wanted, but she continued to push me away, and it hurt. It turned out to be a blessing since I was able to spend more time with Momma. Every day that she woke up was a gift.

  That’s when I got my tattoos. I never knew if my mother would make it. The tattoos were my way of honoring and cherishing her. After Campbell, I wasn’t interested in dating, and I went back to my old ways, no strings attached, and no commitments. With the possibility of a professional football career, I needed to focus on that and not women.

  Yes, Campbell is a looker, but I don’t feel it anymore. She’s wearing a skirt that barely covers her ass and a fitted tank top that barely holds in her perfect breasts. I’m sure I could have her if I wanted to, but my bad boy days are over. I turn away and concentrate on the beer in front of me while watching the sports highlights on the TV while Tommy and Juju play darts.

  All the seats at the bar are full and there’s a mixture of people from fresh out-of-college to early thirty somethings. There’s a dimly lit area towards the back where some guys are playing pool, a hallway to the right that leads to the bathroom and a small dance floor in the center of the room where a couple of females are dancing to a Carrie Underwood song. They’re singing about taking a Louisville slugger to her cheating boyfriend’s souped up ride.

  It looks like nobody recognizes or remembers me here besides Campbell, and that’s how I want it. Just me, my beer, and nothing else. I zone out watching the images flash across the TV and finish my beer. I see her long, wavy blonde hair in the mirror behind the bar and my stomach drops. It’s too late for me to get up without making it look obv
ious that I am trying to avoid her. I order another beer, twist off the cap, and take a long swig. Fuck, I don’t want to deal with this.

  “Reed, how are ya?” Plastering a weak smile on my face, I slowly turn and focus on her blue eyes, trying hard not to admire the breasts that are barely able to stay inside her bra. Can she breathe? Regardless, she looks hot as hell. I remember the other reason why I dated her now. The physical attraction was undeniable and the sex was fucking amazing, but that can only take a relationship so far. Realizing what I feel for Elle, I know what I felt for Campbell wasn’t love. I flick my eyes up at her and take another pull of my beer. Yep, not love. The thought of losing or giving up Elle would be worse than any kind of hit I’d take on the football field. Never felt that with Campbell. If I did, I wouldn’t have given her up so fast and so easily.

  “So good to see you,” I say, looking past her toward my sister. I’m trying to make eye contact with her, but she’s too busy flirting with Tommy to pay me any mind. I’m a grown man, and I should be able to take care of myself.

  Campbell swiftly reaches around and hugs me, purposely rubbing her body against mine. She smells like vanilla, my fucking favorite scent. Why the hell is she still wearing that shit? This whole thing feels planned out or something. What the hell? I awkwardly pull away, feeling her tight body underneath my fingertips. Son of a bitch! This shit cannot be happening right now. God, I miss Elle.