If Only (Captured)

by Louise J

  Emily is pregnant by me.

  Forty Three: Callie

  When I hear Joe enter the bedroom, my heart kicks up. I’ve been in his bathroom for … I don’t know – too long, but not long enough. I’m still not ready to see him. I can’t do it. If we weren’t so high up, I’d climb out of the fucking window. Yes, I would run away and hide for a while, for a very long while. I’m not angry at Joe, I’m angry for things being so messed up. I’m definitely not angry with him. I don’t know how to communicate with him right now, my mind is all over the place.

  We’re supposed to get married in two days, and another woman shows up carrying his child. I don’t need full details and I don’t want them. One thing that always kept me away from Joe was the fear of never really having him. Right now, I feel like he’s been snatched away from me.

  What am I supposed to do?

  Slowly, with legs that feel like they’re made of stone, heavy and rigid, I walk over to the door and stand facing it. I can ‘feel’ Joe on the other side. He’s silent, but I know he’s there. I picture him leaning forward, his forehead against the door and his hands braced either side, on the wall. Sighing, I put my forehead and my hands forward, mirroring the image I have of him. I’m trying to convince myself to release the lock.

  “Please, come out, I need to see your face,” he says, in a low voice.

  Just like before, in a split second, I go from not wanting to see Joe to needing to see him.

  I open the door, keeping my gaze level with his chest. As I step forward, he cups my face between his palms. He’s so desperate his grip almost hurts. Now, I meet his worried, questioning eyes and it’s as though he’s seeking answers from mine. As bad as I felt from the moment I realized the other woman’s body, it’s right now that I want to cry – staring into the dark, coffee colored depths that have held me for years.

  But I don’t.

  “I don’t like the look I can see in your eyes,” he says, his tone strained. “I feel like I’m losing you. I won’t let you go.”

  I take a deep breath. “Joe, you can’t make me stay,” I whisper.

  He draws my nose to his. “I won’t let you go.”

  Suddenly, I’m hit with an overwhelming surge of something. Clutching Joe’s shoulder blades firmly, I press my body against his and breathe in his scent. Not his soap, or his cologne, just him. Joe.

  Desperation and fear are coursing through me, and other things I can’t identify, but needing him is the biggest emotion. I have no idea what I’m doing, but I start lifting his sweatshirt up, to take it off. I need to feel as close to him as I can and I want to take away his fears as well as my own. His torso now bare, we start kissing in a clumsy, urgent way. I reach back to untie my halter top and pull it down, before unbuckling his belt. By the time we make it to the bed, we’re naked, and a trail of clothing is left in our wake.

  This is what I need; to be naked, close, together.

  When he thrusts into me, I gasp at the sudden, rock-solid fullness. Joe moves powerfully, I grip his shoulders harder, digging my nails in. His hold gets even tighter and for the first time he isn’t being careful with me, it’s demanding and it hurts, but I welcome it – I want to think of nothing other than us in this moment. I grasp his hair and lock my legs around his waist.

  This is nothing other than a desperate, needy fuck, and I’m not the only one who’s desperate or needy.

  My climax quickly builds. “Come with me,” I beg against his lips.

  As we release together, I cry out into his mouth and I swallow his groan.

  He stills, our lips easing apart. A warm tear rolls from the side of my eye, down and over my ear … and another… and another. Maintaining my clasp on him, with my body and my limbs, I give into the tears. Joe wipes and kisses them away, the whole time telling me, “I won’t let you go.”

  I don’t know how long I’ve cried for, but I feel intensely tired and my throat and eyes hurt. Joe moves me under the comforter and wraps me in his embrace.

  Sleep starts to claim me and I’m vaguely aware that this is the first time I’ve been in Joe’s bed.

  Forty Four: Joe

  When I woke, I’d have panicked if I hadn’t noticed Callie’s shoes still there by the bedroom door. I wanted to wake up and find that yesterday was nothing more than a bad dream; a baby with a woman I feel nothing for, the hurt and disappointment in Callie’s eyes, the taste of her tears. But it’s real.

  The sun has already risen, and I know where Callie will be. I pull on my sweatshirt and jeans.

  As I step out on to the balcony, Callie doesn’t look my way. “I don’t know why, but this is my favorite part of your home.” I probably knew that before she did. I also know that I’m closer to losing her than I am to keeping her.

  She’s on the love seat, wrapped in a blanket, her feet up and knees hugged to her chest. I sit down, put my arm around Callie, and draw her to me. She lets me hold her, and for a little while we say nothing.

  “Do you think maybe it’s time to talk about things?” I ask, keeping my tone light, giving her a clear choice whether we speak about it or not.

  “I don’t think we need to. I know you, Joe, so I know what you’ll do. You’ll do the right thing and you should. I’m just not sure if I can.” With those words, I’m even further away from keeping her. I can’t even disagree; I have to face up to the consequences of my actions.

  I let my head fall back against the window behind me, closing my eyes. Nestling her nose into the side of my neck, Callie curls her arm around my waist. I hold her tighter. She was right, I can’t make her stay. I wouldn’t try to force her, either, no matter how much I want her. “I do think we should talk about it.” I lift my head to see her face.

  She looks at me and then lowers her gaze, avoiding mine. “Maybe you’re right, we probably should.”

  “Do you want to ask me anything?”

  She sighs. “I don’t know.” I stay silent and wait. She makes eye contact with me, her pain clearly spoken. I hate myself for doing this to her. I hate myself for doing this to me, too. “How do you know her?” That isn’t a question I wanted her to ask. It’s logical, but I know she won’t like the answer.

  “Emily was the interior designer I got in for my parents’ house.” Even I don’t like the way that comes across. It was a fucking gift from Adam and me for their thirty-fifth wedding anniversary.

  She laughs. I know it isn’t because she finds it funny. “That’s nice.” Her tone wasn’t totally sarcastic. Frowning, she takes her focus away from me. “Better than a one night stand, I guess. At least, I’m assuming it wasn’t?” There’s a hard edge to her voice this time. She has every right to be pissed at me, but I don’t think anyone can possibly be as angry with me as I am right now.

  “No, it wasn’t.” I wouldn’t be in this position if it had been.

  “It’s so strange that hearing her name makes it all the more real. How far along is she?”

  “Five months.”

  “Wow!” Her gaze clashes with mine, her brows pulled tight. “You’ve got just four months to prepare for fatherhood. Why did she only tell you now?” Now it seems her worry is about me.

  “She was scared. She wasn’t going to keep it at first, but then decided to. She said she wasn’t going to tell me, but felt I had the right to know.”

  “Why did you take such a stupid risk?” she snaps.

  “I didn’t. I wish I had. At least then I could be pissed at myself for being a total fucking dumbass. The condom split.”

  “Shit, that’s unlucky.” For a brief moment her lips fight a smile. A very brief moment. “I’m sorry for accusing you like that.”

  “Why? It was an obvious thing to assume.”

  “How do you feel about it?” I can’t understand why she seems so concerned about me. I want to know how she feels, but if I ask her we’ll probably conclude our conversation too soon. And not with the outcome I desire.

  “Obviously I wouldn’t have chosen for thi
ngs to be like this, it’s not what I want. It’s the last thing I want. But I can’t just tell her to fuck off and act like nothing’s happening, I have no choice but to go with it. I don’t want to lose you over it.”

  She moves, with the blanket still wrapped around her, and sits on my lap, resting her cheek against my forehead. “I just don’t know if I can do it, Joe. I’ve loved you for so long, the whole time feeling that I couldn’t have you. And now when I get you there’s someone else, another woman. Even worse than that, she’s having your baby. I know you’re not with her, but she’s still going to be there. You’re having a child with someone else. It should be me.” She barely whispered the last part, and that felt like a knife through my heart.

  “I need time to think, Joe, I can’t tell you want you want to hear right now.” She presses her lips to my forehead and sighs, I close my eyes.

  We stay here like this for a long time.

  Forty Five: Callie

  All the way home I asked myself whether I’m overreacting, being stupid, being selfish. I felt so at times, but nothing could or can override the horrible emotions that hit me when I think about someone else having Joe’s child. Nothing can stop me from feeling like I don’t want to share him. Not with another woman and not with a baby, a baby that will depend on him in some way for the rest of his life. Being with Joe, as his girlfriend or as his wife, means my commitment has to stretch to that kid. I don’t know if I’m capable of that. I want to be okay with it, but all I feel is angry, nauseous, jealous, disappointed and scared.

  On the eve of what was going to be my wedding day, I’ve spent hours going over the situation with Su, my parents and my sister. Saffron called and we spoke, but I could hear how difficult it was for her. I didn’t find it easy, either. It’s all pretty pointless anyway – I can’t be given the answers, it has to be my decision.

  One thing I’m certain of is that I won’t be marrying Joe tomorrow.

  Su said I should see how I feel over the coming weeks, when things aren’t so raw. My parents and my sister think it’s too much responsibility, but if I want to be with Joe then I should be, but not get married, so I won’t be tied to him if I decide I want out. They all make sense, and it’s what I would advise if it was somebody else, but it’s not somebody else, it’s me. I felt like a selfish little brat the number of times I asked, “Why should I share?” “Why should I watch some other woman have his baby?”

  I can’t bear the thought of another woman having his child, and having to stand back and watch it all. Joe’s features and characteristics mixed with those of someone he didn’t and doesn’t love. How can I do that? It’s impossible for me to get past that barrier.

  We only just got together and I want to enjoy it being the two of us, I wouldn’t have even wanted my own kid with him yet. This should be our moment. Instead, he’ll be preparing for fatherhood and he’ll share a special bond with someone else and it’ll surpass the connection I’d have with him. I know he loves me, but it’s different. I wish I didn’t feel like this, we’d get over things more easily.

  I can’t accept this other woman, or the baby they’re having.

  Rejecting that child is a rejection of Joe. How do I move forward with him under these circumstances? How do I move forward without him? I’m stuck.

  I have a shower and change into an old, oversized T-shirt. Sitting in my wicker chair, I comb through my wet hair.

  A light rap sounds at my closed bedroom door. “Come in.” I rise from my seat.

  Dane walks in. “Hey, you,” he says, pulling me into a hug. I’ve had cuddles all day, but I love Danes.’ He’s like the older brother I never had and he’s so big and comforting.

  “I’m glad you’re here,” I say, against his chest.

  “I wasn’t sure if you’d wanna see me, but I had to check on you.” He kisses the top of my head. There’s something about being comforted by someone; it either makes you smile or it makes you cry. Dane’s caring embrace causes the latter and the flood gates open. We spend quite some time hugging, with me weeping into his shirt, but he doesn’t seem to mind.

  Once I pull myself together, I sit on my bed with my legs crossed, and Dane sits beside me. “Talk to me,” he says, wiping away a tear on my cheek with his thumb. His warm, hazel eyes are full of understanding and concern.

  “I don’t know what to do. I don’t know how to be with Joe when someone else is having his baby. I’m sick just thinking about it.”

  “I know it’s a messy situation and it seems impossible right now, but I think you’re underestimating yourself.”

  “You do?” I sniff.

  “Yes. It’s a lot to take in, and on top of all that’s happened with the two of you over a matter of days. You guys have moved so fast, but it’s been the most natural thing, right? There’s a reason for that. You can deal better than you think, but don’t expect to be okay with it just yet. It’s too soon, and you’re too emotional and scared to make sense of it. Give it time to sink in. You can’t know how you’ll feel when the kid arrives. You can’t even know how you’ll feel this time next week.”

  “I can’t imagine having to sit back and watch it all unfold.”

  “That’s understandable; this is huge and so out of the blue. This baby wasn’t part of the plan, but it doesn’t change the fact that you and Joe are right together – try not to lose sight of that. I can’t imagine you’ll find another man who loves you the way he does, and I’m certain you won’t love anyone the way you do him. You tried it, remember? It wasn’t exactly successful, was it?”

  “No.” He’s right, I’ve thought those same things myself today. I’ll never love anyone like I love Joe. “Dane, did he send you here?”

  “He doesn’t even know I’m here. I’ve only spoken to Saff so far. Don’t let your emotions get in the way of you seeing clearly. Give yourself time and some space and take it from there.”

  We sit silently, and I try to determine how I could possibly handle this better. I’m not sure why, but this has been the easiest talk I’ve had all day. “Why are you always so nice to me?” I ask the lovely, patient man sitting beside me.

  “You’re good people.” He laughs. “You know, when you arrived at Joe’s party that night, I fully intended on hittin’ on you.”

  “What?” I grin for the first time since yesterday afternoon. I never knew that. And I do recall the ‘activities’ I witnessed that night.

  “You were irresistible in your short skirt, with your pretty smile and your trays of baby cakes. First of all, I decided you were too sweet and innocent, and I should leave you alone. Then I saw the way you looked at Joe, especially when he spoke to you. It was like some kind of awe.” He sighs heavy, frustrated. “I really wish I’d said something to him. You already had a boyfriend, and I knew Joe wouldn’t want that type of situation on his hands, but if I’d known he liked you I would’ve told him, regardless.” He shakes his head in disappointment. “Anyway, it’s been innocent on my part ever since that first night. I like your energy, you have a good spirit. You’re like my adopted sister.”

  I beam, hugging him. “Thank you. I love you like a brother, so I appreciate you adopting me.”

  He chuckles and then becomes serious again. “What are your thoughts now?”

  “I’ll give it time. I’m gonna go stay with my aunt and uncle for a while, I can’t be so close to Joe and feel like I’m getting the space I need. He could do without taking on my emotions, along with everything else, for sure. I think it’s best for both of us if I’m not here.”

  “Tell me you’re not talking aunt and uncle in Ireland.”

  I laugh, but not because it’s funny. “It hadn’t even crossed my mind to go there.” As much as I need to be away from Joe, I could never be that far from him. “The ones in Arizona. We’ve always been close, I’ll be happiest there.”

  “Promise me this is temporary.”

  “It’s temporary, Dane. I can’t say how long for, but it won’t be forever, I pr
omise. I will have to not have contact with anyone, though. If I talk to you guys all I’ll think about is Joe and the baby and that won’t help. I have to be completely out of it, but I don’t want you or Saff to be offended, I adore you both. I don’t want anyone to take it personally for that matter.”

  He stares at me, contemplating. “Okay, if you think it will help. I don’t like it and I have conditions. If you don’t meet them, I’ll follow your ass there and bring you back myself.”

  This makes me giggle again, and it feels good to do so. “Okay, what are your conditions?”

  “First of all,” he says, holding up his forefinger, “take the time you need, but get in touch at some point, sooner rather than later. Secondly,” he holds up another finger, “and most importantly, do not – I repeat – do not rule out the chance for you and Joe. Things are a little fucked up right now, but the fact still remains you love each other. Don’t let anything get in the way of that. We don’t get forever, right? You two have already missed out on a lot of time.”

  “I promise, promise, promise, I’ll get in touch as soon as I’m ready and I will not rule out the chance of a future for us. Honestly, Dane, I still love Joe and I want him. I just can’t take the situation as it is at the moment. He’ll be going to hospital appointments and … I can’t do it, Dane. I’ve got to be away from it all and when I’m ready I’ll make contact. Everyone I love is here, I will be back.”

  I know he isn’t happy with my decision, the others won’t be either, but this is for the best.

  It’s got to be.

  Forty Six: Joe

  I’ve spent most of the night talking to Adam, and even Gerard for a while, but I’m no further forward. A woman I had a few nights with is having my baby, and the one that I love I’m losing.

  This is the worst night of my life.

  Dane arrives at my door. It’s unexpected; it’s three in the morning – the morning of what should’ve been the day Callie married me. I’m not surprised when he tells me he’s just come from her place. I’m grateful more than anything, happy that she had someone with her. Although, I’m not sure I want to hear what he has to say.