If Only (Captured)

by Louise J

  We sit down with some coffee. I’m tired, but the last thing I want to do is sleep. Indolently, I ease back in the couch. Folding my arms across my chest, I look at Dane, sitting beside me. “How is she?” It’s a stupid question, but the most obvious one to ask.

  What I really want to know is if I still have her.

  “Not good. Emotional mostly, but I think you know that without me telling you.” I nod. Of course I do. The worse thing about this whole mess is that she’s hurting. “She can’t stand the idea of you and someone else having a baby. I told her I think she can do it, she just needs time. She’s stronger than she thinks, but she really doesn’t see it, not right now, anyway.”

  “Fuck!” I let my head fall back against the leather. “I don’t even know if I can do it. I have no choice, though, she does.”

  “Man, this shit is seriously fucked up. It’s definitely yours?”

  “She said I’m the only one since her relationship ended seven months ago. I believe her, but I will make sure. I have to.”

  He hesitates. That tells me I won’t like what’s coming next. “Callie wanted me to tell you she’s gonna go stay with her aunt and uncle in Arizona for now.”

  “She’s leaving?”

  “Yeah. I don’t know that going away is the answer, but she seems to think it is. She thinks it’ll be easier for both of you if she isn’t here for the next four months or so. Maybe it will help if she can be away from the situation for a while.”

  “Fuck, I wasn’t expecting that. She’s leaving the damn state.” It’s worse than I thought. Having her close by, even if we weren’t together, I might’ve just been able to tolerate, but being gone completely is something else.

  My heart has officially just been yanked out of my fucking chest.

  “I don’t like to tell you this.”

  I can’t even bear to ask “What?” How much worse can things possibly get?

  “She said it will be a lot easier if you don’t try to talk to her, or stop her leaving. She wants space to think, she’ll come to you in her own time.”

  I whack my head back against the couch; a pointless move that won’t solve shit, but there’s something quite appealing about knocking-myself-the-fuck-out right now.

  “She’s dropping the gallery and her photography commitments.”

  “I didn’t expect this to be easy, but to leave. Shit. There’s no way I’d have laid a finger on her if I knew this was coming. My bullshit and she’s the one hurt, how fucked up is that?”

  “I know.” He places his hand on my shoulder, squeezing it. “I tried to get her to stay or at least speak to you, but once she got the Arizona idea in her head she wouldn’t budge. She gave me this for you.” He passes me a folded piece of yellow paper. “You know where I am.”

  When Dane leaves, I sit staring at the closed letter. I already know her choice, but seeing it written is too final. I have another cup of coffee and cigarette.

  Now I open it.

  Joe,

  I’m sorry for taking the chicken shit way out here, but I can’t see you before I leave. If I do it’ll make it harder to go, but staying? Right now that’s the hardest option. I can’t stay, everything around me is you. It’ll be torture.

  I don’t want to leave you, but I can’t see any other way at this point in time. My heart hurts and too many emotions are going through me. I’m really not in the best position to make any decisions.

  The one thing I’m sure of is that I can’t watch someone else have your child. I’m so sorry. Please understand and please give me the space I need. Focus on your baby.

  God, I love you, Joe. So much more than you know. I didn’t even get the chance to show you.

  Do you remember that night, about four years ago, when you and Adam came back to your condo, and Su and I were there with saffron, we were watching Blade Trinity? You both joined us. After Blade finished we put on Saw. Ten minutes into it Saffron totally freaked out and refused to watch it. She went to bed, and, of course, Adam went with her. About halfway through it, Su fell asleep on the couch, and I was shitting myself watching that damn movie - in the freaking dark. Something you found entertaining. Then you sat with me, close, like my protector.

  When I was huddled beside you, I so badly wanted you to hold me. I wanted you to kiss me. There was one precise moment when I almost kissed you, can you believe that? I was doing that silly girlie thing and pressing my face against your shoulder and for one very brief, crazy moment, I so nearly moved to kiss you. I was scared. I thought it was the most unlikely thing in the world – you and me. I fought against it initially because of Nick, but ultimately it was you that stopped me – the fear of not being able to have you, of you not wanting me in the same way.

  If I were to sit here long enough and allow myself to think about it, I could list all the other times something similar happened. Other times when I almost said or did something that would have given it away.

  In my heart it always felt so right being with you, but my head was another story. I chose to protect the heart that wanted you. I regret all the times I decided not to take a chance with you. If only I had. I was always yours, Joe.

  Callie x

  I’ve lost count how many times I’ve read that letter. I want the words to read differently. I want the mess we’re in to suddenly clear up and be non-existent. Fuck, how did she and I end up here?

  If the situation was different, like fucking up in a way that wasn’t so permanent, I wouldn’t let her go without trying to talk to her. I would fight for her. With things as they are, I have no choice. I have to let her deal in her own way, even if I can’t bear the thought of her leaving – it’s killing me already and she hasn’t even gone yet.

  I can only hope it will help.

  Resting my head back against the couch, I close my eyes.

  My biggest regret is that I didn’t tell her how I felt from the start. If only I had. We’ve missed out on a whole lot of fucking years together.

  I can remember every time I came close to saying something. One of those times was at Saffron and Adam’s wedding. Callie was more than stunning in her minty green, strapless bridesmaid dress. She blew me away. Nick was competing at a motocross event, so he was absent.

  After the reception finished, we were all pretty wasted, and Callie’s feet hurt from the high heels she’d had on nonstop. I carried her from the wedding venue to our hotel. It felt so good to hold her. I could smell her apple scented skin and her face was just a few inches from mine the entire time. Her shiny lip-glossed lips kept stealing my attention.

  When we arrived at her room, as soon as she was standing, she hugged me. She held me tighter and for longer than usual. I just thought she was grateful for my help, and drunk. During that lingering hold, it was on the tip of my tongue to tell her I wanted her. It was the closest I ever came to it, but I stopped myself. It was also the closest I ever came to kissing her, but, again, I stopped myself.

  Saying nothing and walking away was both emotional and physical agony. She’d only just gotten back with Nick, and I’d just got together with Paige – who was waiting in my room for me. The whole thing was too damn messy.

  I can recall the fleeting looks I received from Callie that day and night. I didn’t pick up on it, even though she was looking at me every time I stole a glance at her. Dumbass!

  So many times, over the years, I was tempted to say something. So many times I could’ve said something. I realize now, there were so many times I should have said something.

  Forty Seven: Callie

  Sitting in my car, outside my apartment building, I’m tired. Not only have I hardly slept, but I’ve spent hours trying to convince my dad I’ll be okay travelling alone. The last thing I want is to have to try and fill the drive to Arizona with conversation. I just need to be alone and be miserable by myself.

  So now I’m sitting here and I can’t turn the key in the ignition. This is the hardest thing I’ve ever done. Not only am I leaving Joe, but I’m
leaving my family – that includes Su. Although it’s temporary, and I’ll be in regular contact with them, it still hurts.

  But when I think about what I’ll face if I stay, staying feels harder.

  I turn the key, shift into gear, and start my journey.

  Forty Eight: Scottsdale, Arizona

  As I park in the drive of my aunt and uncle’s house, I think about the times I spent here with my mom, dad and Elena. I have so many good memories, and though it’s been a few years since my last visit, in some ways it feels like home away from home.

  I decided during the long-ass drive that my stay in Arizona will be my time to be Callie without Joe. He’s owned my head and my heart for seven years, even influenced my relationship with Nick. I’m certain that any decision I make will be better if made with a clear mind and I can’t have that if my thoughts are all about Joe. Coming here was the right thing to do, so I’m treating it as a vacation. I can explore as much as I want, since I have enough money saved that I don’t need to think about work while I’m here.

  Su, my sister and my parents have agreed not to tell me anything about Joe when we speak. Updates will not help; I need to be as free of him as I can be. The baby is due in four months, I’ll give it a little time beyond that and then I’ll make contact. I’ll know for certain how I feel about him and the situation by then. For all I know, if he and I hadn’t remained friends for all these years, I might’ve gotten over Joe a long time ago. This now is our test.

  If we’re meant to be together, we will be.

  As I walk to the door, Aunt Maria and Uncle Vince come out to welcome me. I can see they’re trying to hide their sympathy, which makes me feel worse, but I know they mean well. They’d planned to come to Vegas for the wedding, they’re fully aware of the details.

  My aunt pulls me into a hug. “You stay as long as you need to, you hear?”

  “Thank you, Aunt Maria.” I squeeze her, taking in her sweet scent. She never seems to age, and that’s without any kind of surgical intervention. She’s in her mid forties, but could pass for ten years younger. She’s without a doubt a MILF, with a pretty smile, moss green eyes and long chestnut tresses. My natural color is the same as hers.

  Uncle Vince, who looks like my dad with brown eyes and mousy hair, gives me a great big bear hug, just like he always did when we came to visit.

  We gather all my stuff, from the trunk, and head inside. I’ve always loved their home. It’s an open, split level house with maple plank wood floors, soft coordinated colors throughout, and great mountain views. I’ve swapped the hills and fog of San Francisco for the mountains, desert and the blazing heat of Arizona. It’s different here in so many ways.

  That should assist in this deluded plan of mine to treat this as a vacation.

  While I’m here, I’ll be sleeping in my cousin’s bedroom. Jennifer’s an only child and left home two years ago to work as a journalist in L.A. I sit on the double bed, my butt molding into the mattress, and take in my surroundings. Her room is just as it was the last time I was here; lemon walls, a sturdy antique pine double bed and matching furniture. I feel comfortable already.

  After I finish unpacking my stuff, and speaking to my parents, I go down to the kitchen and help prepare dinner. My aunt’s making vegetarian enchiladas, especially for me. Mom will be happy; we ended our call with her telling me to make sure I eat, regardless of my lack of appetite. As I reach for a knife, to start chopping onions, a hand lands lightly on my shoulder. “We don’t have to talk about anything back home if you don’t want to, but if you decide you do, just know that we can, okay?”

  “Thanks, Aunt Maria, I appreciate it.” I return her smile and grasp the wooden handle. As much as I want to talk, not that it will resolve anything, I have no intention of discussing Joe, or my feelings. I need to stick to my plan of eliminating him from my head and focusing on only me, or this won’t work.

  After we eat and watch TV together, I go upstairs to dye my hair. Tonight, I’m switching to a full head of shocking pink; so much brighter than my mood. It’s a shame to say goodbye to the white-blonde and pale pink, but it’s too Joe, even though it was my post-Nick hair. I think I’ll let my brow-skimming bangs grow out over the coming months, too.

  Once I’m finished, I get into bed. It’s comfortable among the soft, thick pillows, but it’s too warm for the comforter, so I drape a lavender scented sheet over myself. With the blinds raised, the room is lit in silver by the moon. A perfect atmosphere for what I should be doing right now. I’m tired enough, too, but surprise, surprise, all my head wants to do is think about you-know-who.

  I wish I could fall into slumber, I need it. I haven’t had a complete night’s sleep in over a week. Obviously some of those were because of my passionate late-night antics with Joe – and there I go, again, thinking about him. I can’t seem to stop.

  It’s just after midnight. I wonder what he’s doing now. Is he awake, too? Is he thinking about me as well? Is he angry with me? Disappointed in me? Missing me?

  I knew this would be easier in my brain than in actual reality, but I didn’t expect to feel his absence physically. I ache to be with him, to have him close. Every single part of me aches for Joe. I can barely breathe, it hurts so much. I grip a pillow tightly in my fists, wanting the pain to go away, but it doesn’t work. I’m starting to doubt that I can stay away from him. Should I just go back? Can I? The moment I consider it, I know I can’t, just like I knew I couldn’t the four times I stopped during the drive here and considered turning back. The situation is still the same, a situation I can’t deal with. Maybe I should call him. I’d love to hear his voice. But what would I say? What would he say?

  I have two clear options; stay here or go home. I can’t go back yet, so coming here was the right decision. It’s not like its forever. I just have to hold out until after the baby’s born, then I’ll know what to do. I can do this. I can. Five or six months at the most, I managed seven years. This is nothing in comparison.

  Forty Nine

  For the past three months, I’ve been a tourist in Arizona. I drove out to the parks and forests, covered desert land and visited a variety of attractions. With my camera, I got lost in my own world and captured anything that caught my eye; lakes, the various cacti, mountains, butterflies, birds, Jackrabbits, I’ve even caught coyotes and a rattlesnake – for the two seconds I could force myself to stand still and take the picture. I’ve explored everywhere I possibly could, and one thing’s for sure – I kinda love Arizona. Though, when I first got here, it was just a little too hot. Scrap that, it was way too hot.

  I’ve started a blog, so that I can post some of my photos and communicate with people who have an interest in photography. It’s provided an additional distraction, which I’ve craved. I’ve spoken to my mom and dad every night. They’ve been great and supportive and even flew out here with Elena and Su. I speak and text with Su and Elena all the time.

  My days have been well occupied, so far, but now I need something new. Aunt Maria has given me a job in her 5th Avenue jewelry store, in downtown Scottsdale, which I started this week. It’s only a few hours a day, but it’s something to do. She sells pretty beaded accessories that she makes herself, as well as silver, gold and platinum pieces. As she and Uncle Vince won’t accept money from me for rent, I’ve refused to be paid for the work I do for her. I have few expenses, and it’s cheaper here, so I don’t need the money, anyway.

  Aunt Maria’s friend, who owns a Gifts and Collectables store, has also offered me the opportunity to sell some sculptures there. So far I’ve made the type that take a lot of focus and detail, because when my mind is on the task it’s an escape, I’m completely absorbed. What I’m finding hard is when I go to bed. That’s when my thoughts take hold and keep me awake; it seems heartbreak is worse at night. When I wake in the morning those feelings resurface until I busy myself.

  I miss Joe like crazy; he was a close friend and a major part of my life before we got together. I’ve come clo
se to calling him, a number of times, but the nearer it gets to the baby’s due date the harder it gets to push the ‘call’ button, no matter how much I want to. So three months on and we haven’t spoken. I miss the others as well, simple things like hanging out as a group, and texting and talking with Saffron. I almost allowed Su to lure me into talking about Saffron, a couple of months back, but I stopped her. The link is too close to Joe, it was inevitable we’d end up at him as the topic of conversation. I just haven’t felt ready.

  It’s Friday afternoon, and I’ve got one hour left at work. “Aunt Maria, your catalogues are almost finished. Why don’t we put a new one together?” I continue to flip through the small rectangular booklet. It’s nice, but she has some new pieces in the shop that aren’t in it.

  “Is that something you can do?” she asks, looking over at me from the display she’s arranging by the window.

  “For sure, all I need to do is take pictures of your jewelry and then I can design the pages in Photoshop. I’ll show you the proof, and when you’re happy with it, we’ll go get it printed professionally. It’ll be easy.”

  “Great, go for it.” She’s pleased, and so am I. I love doing stuff like this and an extra perk is that I have a project to keep me busy now. Anything that distracts me is a good thing. I’ll make a start tomorrow.

  I finish my shift and head to a coffee shop a few blocks away. I like to stop there after work, before heading home.

  As I cross the street, approaching the café, which sits on a corner, something catches my attention. Parked outside is the funkiest vehicle I’ve ever seen. I just felt myself fall in love with it. It’s a Volkswagen bus and it’s all hippified, with painted designs all over it, in an array of bright colors. It has the word ‘Love,’ an impressive portrait of Jimmy Hendrix, a peace sign, flowers, clouds and a large rainbow across one side. I’ve seen funked-up rides before, but this one is by far the best. Wow!

  I walk up to it, for a closer inspection and to ask the owner if I can take a photo. A man climbs out of the driver’s side. “Omigod, your Kombi’s awesome.” No doubt the expression on my face is like that of a kid on Christmas morning, confronted with a room full of gifts Santa left the night before. It’s just so … groovy, baby!