If Only (Captured)

by Louise J

  A beautiful fucking nightmare!

  Picking up Su’s cell, I start checking out the photos from earlier in the park. The first picture I see is the last one I took. “Aww, this is so cute.” I hold out the phone in Su’s direction, she’s beside me but lying down. The image is of her with Madison and Caleb. “Three people I love, all together. I’m framing this one.”

  “Yeah, I like it, too.”

  I keep going backwards through them, they’re all lovely and I’m so grateful there was an alternative for me to use to capture these special moments. “This is nice.” I show her the screen again. It’s her and Zack in their backyard. “I love your new place.” I wanna come visit. Continuing through the images, I come across two super sweet kids. I don’t know them, but I know who they are. “Su … is this?” I don’t need to ask, I can see it.

  One boy has lovely chocolate colored eyes, loose light brown curls and his skin’s the shade of mocha. He has the most delightful smile, just like his mother; Saffron. I can see Adam in him; he has his eyes, nose and the same shape face. The male Williams’ features are a force to be reckoned with.

  The other child is one hundred percent his dad, with the exception of the rich auburn hair. It’s not black like his dad’s, but he has the same coffee bean brown eyes. He’s exactly like Joe, in every other way. His hair is cut in the cutest style; short, with the top brushed forward and trimmed in a neat fringe at the hairline. I can’t help but wonder whether it was Joe or Emily who picked such an adorable cut.

  My throat tightens and my vision starts to blur. As I blink, a tear trickles down my cheek.

  “I’m so sorry. I forgot that was in there.” Su reaches out to take the phone from me.

  “No, it’s okay. It’s okay.” I sniffle and wipe my wet face with my hand. I can’t stop staring at him. “Do you have others?”

  “Uh, yeah, just keep going.”

  The next one is of Saffron and her son. “Omigosh, he’s super cute.” I sniff again. “Saffron looks great, so happy. God, I miss her so much.” Her hair is jaw length, straight and black, with the ends tinged blood-red. The three of us always shared our hairstyle intentions with each other. I knew before Su got here that hers would reach her shoulders and it’d be blonde with black highlights and she’d have horizontal bangs. I miss the things we all used to share, it’s my fault we don’t any longer.

  “His name’s Nathaniel,” Su says.

  “After Saff and Dane’s dad,” I whisper to myself. That knowledge warms my heart.

  The next picture is another of the boys together. They don’t know this photo is being taken; they’re distracted by something that isn’t caught in frame. I view several more, all just as beautiful. Not a single one with Joe in it. I’m not sure if I’m disappointed, or happy about that. Not that I need a photo to see him. I only have to allow myself to think about him. “They’re amazing, Su.”

  “Yeah, they really are … Joe’s son’s name is Jack.”

  I glance at her, but can’t speak. I’m too overwhelmed. Joe’s son looks just like him and his name is Jack. These are two pieces of information I didn’t know, until now, and something in those details has a magnetic pull. I want to know more.

  I want to know about Joe.

  “How is Joe?”

  “He’s good. Loves being a dad, he’s great at it, too. He see’s Jack all the time.”

  “Doesn’t he live with Jack and Emily?”

  “No … he’s not with Emily anymore.”

  Fifty Seven

  Su is fast asleep, but I’m not. My brain is on full alert. I’ve got her last words and the image of Jack at the forefront of my mind.

  When I arrived in Scottsdale it was my chance to be Callie without Joe, but it hasn’t exactly gone that way. He’s been here all along, just not in the physical sense. I’ve done well at pretending that wasn’t the case, but now I have to face up to it.

  I have a fantastic relationship with Roman, and I want it to work. It was working. Even better than I thought it would. But when I saw Jack’s photo I felt something I wasn’t expecting. When Su told me Joe is not with Emily anymore what I felt was profound. There’s a pull toward Joe that wasn’t there two hours ago. Ignorance was bliss, now I know too much.

  Now I feel too much.

  Even seeing Saffron I was drawn to her. I’m appalled at myself for cutting her out. Su said she understands, but I’m not okay with it. I wish I could’ve been strong enough to keep my friends. I wish I’d been strong enough to stay in San Francisco. I wish I didn’t love Joe so much. No, I wish I’d told him in the beginning that I love him. If I had, I wouldn’t have experienced any of the hurt, and we’d have been together all along.

  Sighing heavy, I close my eyes. Regret is one hell of an emotion.

  “Still awake?” Su says.

  “Yeah.” I open my eyes and see only the ceiling above me, slightly illuminated by the silver moonlight.

  “What’s up?”

  “I can’t stop thinking about Joe.”

  She turns onto her back and clasps my hand, resting on top of the blanket. Our fingers interlink. “I’m sorry about the photos, I should’ve thought.”

  “It’s not your fault. You’ve been super supportive, Su, you haven’t even mentioned his name. You’ve been the best.”

  She sighs. “I’m still sorry. I hate seeing you upset. So … what’ve you been thinking?”

  “That I’m not over him. Not that I didn’t already know that. Seeing his son and knowing he isn’t with Emily has stirred things up. I was doing good, until then, now I don’t know how to move on knowing this. It was doable when I had no choice. I’m not saying I do now, just because I still love him it doesn’t mean he feels the same way about me, but it was easier to accept things when I didn’t have a choice. I also didn’t expect be so … okay with seeing his son. It’s not just somebody’s kid, he’s Joe’s.”

  “I don’t know the details of why he and Emily didn’t work, but they’re good friends. Jack is what’s most important to them and they work together so he has stability. I’ve spoken to her, she’s nice. She felt bad about you and Joe, she felt responsible. I liked her because she seemed to care about that, she even apologized to me because of you being gone. This might sound weird, but you’d actually like her.”

  When I think of Emily, I remember how scared and nervous she was that day she came to the condo. The situation was awful for all three of us, but I was the one with the freedom to walk away.

  And that’s exactly what I did.

  “I know Joe was spending time with someone else, but I don’t know for sure what his relationship status is right now. He doesn’t get around like he used to, Jack and BlackArt are what he mainly focuses on. You could totally have him back if you wanted.”

  I look at her wide-eyed, even though it’s dark. “Su. I wouldn’t just try to take him from someone else. And I still have Roman to think about. What we’ve got is good and he’s great. I don’t want to hurt him.”

  “But do you love him the way you love Joe?”

  I gaze back up at the ceiling. “You already know the answer to that. God, this is so hard. Tell me what to do, Su.”

  “I can easily tell you what to do, but I can’t decide for you.”

  “I know,” I whine. “I’m torn. I enjoy being with Roman, and he doesn’t deserve me to even be having this conversation with you. But I can’t stop my feelings for Joe and now that I’ve seen his son and know he isn’t with Emily, I can’t help but feel …” I sigh.

  “Like you want him? Like he’s who you should be with? Deep down you know it. I like Roman a lot, but Joe is who you should be with. I haven’t just been going along with you – I’ve been waiting for you to accept it in your own time. I understood why you needed to be away from it all, but I knew eventually you’d find your way back. Now you just have to be honest with yourself.”

  “Something always kept us apart. Look what happened when we eventually did get together. And
then when I called Dane. My heart was broken twice. I can’t take a third time, and it’s probably inevitable. What if he’s not meant to be mine? Everything happens for a reason, right?”

  “I agree, but I also think there’s a perfect time for everything. Maybe before wasn’t the perfect time. Maybe you were supposed to come to Scottsdale for a little while. Maybe you were meant to be with Roman for a certain amount of time, and run a half marathon. Maybe now you’ll cope better with Joe as a father than you would’ve three years ago. Maybe, maybe, maybe … I could go on all night, but you’ll never know if you don’t try. Face up to it, Callie, you can’t hide out here forever. Everyone you love, including Joe, is in San Francisco and we’re all patiently waiting for you to come home.”

  We lay in silence. All I can think is that I’m with Roman, but madly in love with Joe – who isn’t with Emily anymore. Going with my heart would have me back in San Francisco in the twelve hours it would take me to drive there. Or I could ditch all my stuff here and fly back sooner. Going with my head, my fears and uncertainties would have me doing what I did when I was with Nick. All these years later I can’t repeat the same crap.

  But does Joe love me anymore?

  “Su, you do know I love you, and you’re amazing, right?”

  “Yeah, I’m totally awesome. But it’s easy, you’re the best.”

  It’s the morning of the run, and we’re all gathered at the start line in downtown Scottsdale. I want this distraction, this torture. I deserve to be tortured.

  I look around at all the serious runners in their official clothes. Roman’s one of them. I’m wearing black cropped leggings and a matching tank top. They were traditional until I funked them up as part of my distraction two days ago. I like my attire, but I’m already planning on burning these Nikes I have on my feet the first chance I get.

  It’s the final few seconds before the signal to start will sound. My heart is racing already, I’m so damn nervous. “Roman, I don’t want to slow you down. If you want to leave me behind, I won’t be offended.”

  “Sugar, I’m not doing this for the competition, I’m with you every step of the way.” It’s not as though it’s his first marathon, he’s even done a few full ones, but I still don’t want to hold him back.

  The signal sounds, and a heartbeat later, out of nowhere, a rush of competitiveness hits me. I feel a determination I’ve never experienced before, and as we start, I want to do this. Breaking into my stride, alongside Roman, I focus on deep breathing, in through my nose and out through my mouth.

  “Sugar, don’t give too much here, or you’ll burn out too soon.”

  “Okay.” I pull back a little. I know I’ll make it to Rotary Park feeling okay, that’s our six mile mark. I’ve done an extra mile in addition to that. Beyond there I don’t know what will happen, but I’ll be doing my best. I kind of wish I’d gone with Roman’s suggestions of longer training runs. Hindsight’s a bitch.

  And I know all too well about that.

  We get to the ninth mile, and I’ve held out well, but I can feel the extra demands. Roman is right by me, running at my pace. Such a good man, I feel so guilty. I’ve spent most of the night thinking about going home. I don’t want to leave Roman and I love my life here, but these factors put together still don’t outweigh how much I want to be with Joe. Surely it’s not healthy to want one person so much. Maybe I should be seeking professional help!

  My legs and breathing are getting heavier. I’m trying to focus on my air intake, in through my nose and out through my mouth. Other runners feeling the same and them communicating that is proving motivational. I’m not the only one going through this torment.

  Now we’re at the tenth mile. “Why am I doing this?” I say, through gritted teeth. My lungs are on fire and I don’t own my legs anymore. How do people do full marathons? I’ll never watch San Francisco’s in the same light ever again. A full night’s sleep last night would probably have helped.

  “You’re doing good, sugar, we’re almost there.” I decide to reserve my energy and instead of whining back at him, like I’m tempted to, I stay silent. We keep going.

  “I hate this.” Roman laughs, but says nothing. I’ve made the odd complaint through miles ten and eleven, and he’s figured out that I don’t want a reply. I’m just being lame.

  “Final mile, sugar,” he says, as we pass the thirteenth. If I wasn’t hurting so much I’d cheer in response, although that one mile is no different to when he said, “Four miles left, sugar.”

  I notice my family as we approach the finish line, and Su’s taking photos with my camera. I can’t imagine how awful I look right now. Their presence gives me a final burst, just as I was considering walking.

  I keep running.

  I cross the finish line.

  Fucking A!

  I’m breathing heavy, my lungs are on fire and my legs don’t exist, but my grimace becomes a humongous smile. I made it. Goes to show what a little determination can do for you. Roman and I hug a long, sticky, breathless one. “Good girl, you did great,” he says, before releasing me.

  It’s the evening of the marathon. Su and I are sitting on a bench at the end of the backyard, watching everyone else interact. Roman, my dad and my sister’s husband, Chad, are standing on the patio, in conversation. My mom and Elena are gathered around the table on the deck with my aunt. My uncle is inside the house with Caleb, and Madison is floating around enjoying all the attention she gets.

  Roman was right, I am happy I did the run. It’s the greatest physical challenge I’ve ever faced. Unfortunately, the pride I feel is overshadowed by other emotions.

  I feel like I’m on the verge of my greatest emotional challenge yet, and for more reasons than one.

  “I’m coming home, Su.” I say, feeling a horrible pull in my gut, as I say the words with my gaze trained on Roman. “I can’t believe I’m saying this, but I think I’m coming home.”

  “You are, or you think you are?”

  “I keep changing my mind. I thought about calling Joe to get an idea of where his head is at, but it’s sneaky and dishonest. I won’t do that to Roman – he deserves better. It’s one, or the other. The problem is it’s been three years, that’s a long time, and in some ways Joe and I are different people now. I’m scared he won’t feel the same way anymore, or that the modern day Joe isn’t the Joe I knew. What if I’m caught up in some kind of romantic fantasy? Does the man I love still exist?”

  “Of course he does. You’ve both grown, sure, but at the core of it you’re still the same people. I guarantee it, and I’m positive you both still love each other, probably more because you’ve had to live without each other. You’re soul mates.”

  “I never stopped thinking of him as my soul mate. That’s why I have to do this. You know, like one final shot. I don’t want to look back and regret this the way I regret never saying something in the first damn place. If I’d made a simple move like telling Saffron I liked him, it would’ve changed everything for us. If I’d paid more attention to the way he looked at me. If I didn’t hide my attraction to him to the degree I did. There were countless opportunities for me to make my feelings known in some way and I never took them. When I think about those seven years, and my first one here, they’re wrapped up in a never ending stream of if onlys.”

  Call me brave, or call me stupid, but I need to find out if I have a future with Joe. As much as I don’t want to hurt Roman, my heart belongs to someone else and I don’t have any choice in the matter. I never did. I have to go home.

  I have to see Joe.

  Fifty Eight

  It’s the evening after my talk with Su. She and my family left this afternoon, and this is the point when things were to return to normal.

  It’s ironic that today is also three years to the day my heart was broken.

  I’m out on the deck with Roman, watching him read the newspaper. His lovely golden curls, amazing blue eyes and mature handsomeness still impress and fascinate me today as much as
they did the day I met him.

  When we first got together, Roman knew that I wanted to return to my family at some point, so I haven’t made any promises. He also mentioned before our relationship started that he wouldn’t permanently reside in Arizona. But we’ve lasted almost two years, and I don’t think either of us expected that. I certainly didn’t foresee everything I own ending up at his apartment.

  We’ve never said, “I love you,” to each other. We treat each other with great affection and care, but we’ve never said those three words. We haven’t spoken about kids or marriage. Maybe that’s why I could live with him, neither of us had any expectations.

  It’s been effortless from day one.

  I wonder how much it would hurt him if I told him right now that I’m leaving. The thought of causing him any amount of pain cuts through me like a knife, but I know I have to find a way to tell him.

  His gaze moves from the newspaper to me. His lips curve affectionately, and I smile back at him.

  ****

  Three nights later and I still haven’t told Roman my plans. I turned down two bookings for next year today, because I know I won’t be here. I have to talk to him tonight, no matter what.

  Pacing restlessly, back and forth in the living room, I’m calling Su for moral support.

  “Hey, Callie.”

  “Hi, Su.”

  “What’s up?”

  “I don’t know how to tell Roman.”

  “I know it’s hard, but if you’ve decided you want to come back then you have no choice, right? Just tell him the truth; you wanna come home.”

  “It’s saying the words. I’ve tried, but it’s so hard.”

  “I’m sorry that you have to deal with this, but you just have to do it. It would be different if you didn’t actually want to come back.”

  “Yeah, I know, I can’t keep delaying it. I’ve decided I have to tell him tonight, but I still don’t know what to say.” Stopping by the couch, I sit down and instantly get back up and start pacing again. It wouldn’t be so hard if I didn’t care about him, but I do.