If Only (Captured)

by Louise J

  “You can only be honest. You totally belong here Callie, with your family, with me, and with Joe.”

  “This is going to sound crazy, but I can’t think about Joe right now. I just want to focus on Roman first and then leaving. Joe can’t know anything until I’m ready, we don’t even know how he feels about me – he may have been able to move on. I can’t believe I’m risking everything for him. Does he know about Roman?”

  “Yeah, Saff told him. I told her. Sorry if you’d rather I hadn’t.”

  “No, it’s fine. Did he say anything to her about it?” It’s pathetic and bratty, but I hope he felt jealous. I sure as hell did when Dane told me about him and Emily.

  “She didn’t say he did.” So what does that mean? Did he care? “You still there?” she asks, gently.

  “Yeah, I’m here. Just for now keep all this to yourself.”

  “Okay, I won’t say anything, but I know you don’t need to be worried. There’s no way he doesn’t love you anymore. And FYI: he’s definitely unattached. I’m totally stoked you’re coming back. You can move in with me and Zack if you want.”

  “You’re trying for a baby. Until it happens you need to keep enjoying it just being the two of you. I’ve saved so much money while I’ve been here, I’ll be leaving with more than I came with. I’m gonna get my own place and stand on my own two feet. Then I can think about work. I’m not looking forward to that part, it’s been unbelievable here.”

  “You’ll kick ass here, too. I can even speak to my boss at the magazine; I know they have a couple openings coming up for photographers. You can do that while starting your own thing up again. Imagine us working together.” She’s getting excited now. “I’m gonna hunt for an apartment for you. We can both search the net, I’ll go view them and send you any additional pictures from my cell.”

  “Great idea. I’ve got the next three weeks booked out for work, so I’ll come after those. I’m gonna have to travel on occasion, for bookings I still want to honor, but there are some I can give to someone I know. I’ll be there by October, how great is that?”

  I can tell she’s jumping around now. “Yay, dude, this is sooo cool. You’re coming back. Finally!”

  I giggle at her excitement. I’m nervous, but more excited than anything. I have no clue what will happen with Joe, but I’m willing to take the risk.

  I have no choice but to.

  I’m sitting beside Roman on the couch. He’s reading the newspaper, and I’m flipping through the TV channels, not seeing a single thing. I stop on some kind of fishing show.

  “Roman, I’m thinking of moving back home,” I blurt out, staring at the big fish the man is holding up to the camera. I actually felt a sensation liking to a crack forming in my heart, as I said those words – I wasn’t expecting that. In my peripheral, I can see Roman looking at me. “I’ve loved being here with you and knowing you, I really have … but I want to be home.”

  I see the slow nod of his head. I look at him, trying my hardest not to cry. I can feel the tears building up in my eyes. I take a deep breath.

  Roman hooks his arm around my shoulders and pulls me into his side and holds me. That, although kind, is the worst thing he could’ve done. It’s impossible to fight it now, the dam lifts and I sob in his arms.

  I can’t decide whether loving Joe is more of a punishment than the wonderful thing I’ve witnessed between so many other couples. Where I’m concerned, it seems to be causing me more heartache than anything else. If my heart gets broken a third time – I’m done for.

  When I can eventually speak, I tell Roman why I moved to Scottsdale and everything there is to tell about Joe, and Nick. I make sure he knows that I want to be with my family, too, although he already knew I missed them. I even tell him that I love him, because I do.

  He’s one of the greatest human beings I know.

  “This may sound a little crazy, sugar, but I do think you need to explore the possibilities with Joe.”

  I pull away enough to see his face. “You do?”

  “Yes, I do.” He lightly brushes his knuckles against my cheek. It’s so tender it’s almost enough to set me off again. “You already have a few regrets locked away. This’d probably be your greatest of all, if you didn’t do it.

  “When I stayed in Greece, in my early twenties, I fell in love with a girl. Her parents were strict and over protective, their focus was on status. They didn’t feel I was good enough, they were wealthy and I wasn’t. I was working in one of the local restaurants and I only planned to stay there a month, before moving on, but then I met Ina. We fought to stay together, but it was hard. Especially for Ina; she loved her family, too.

  “After a tough time, we decided to go our separate ways, and I left the love of my life behind. I’ve always wondered if I gave up too easily, and when I think back, I regret leaving. As much as I adored my wife, even then, I still had moments of asking myself if I should’ve fought harder for Ina. Maybe we never would’ve lasted, but I’ll never know because I didn’t stay and try.

  “You’re young and you need to find out if Joe is still for you. Of course, I’ll miss you and we’ve had a blast, but I don’t want you to spend the next twenty years wondering if you should’ve given things another chance. We get one shot at this life, right?”

  He sounds like Dane. “We don’t get forever,” he said that night we talked, the night I decided to leave. I can see it in Roman’s eyes that he still holds those regrets. Such an unexpected twist in our conversation, we both kept our heartbreak secret. Sharing them is our final offering.

  “Roman, can I ask you something about your wife?” I’ve never asked him this because I didn’t think it was right, given my lack of disclosure for being in Scottsdale.

  “Sure.”

  “Why didn’t you stay together?”

  “She couldn’t conceive naturally, so we started having fertility treatment. That’s why we moved back here, it’s where she wanted to be. Gloria always wanted children and it killed her every time the treatment was unsuccessful. I wanted kids myself, but I’d have accepted us not being able to have them. I’d have been happy to adopt. It wasn’t the same for her, and over time we weakened and fell apart.”

  “Do you think you’ll ever marry again?”

  “I don’t make plans, sugar. I just go with it, so who knows. I wouldn’t rule it out.” He shrugs his shoulders in his typical carefree way. Another one of the many things I like about him. I snuggle in at his side, and he holds me tight.

  “I’m so glad I met you, Roman. It’s hard to completely regret not expressing my feelings to Joe when those choices led me here to you.”

  “I’m super glad I met you, too, but you know what, I think we’d have crossed paths anyway. Somehow and in some way, we’d have been in each other’s lives. I’m certain of that.”

  We hug and talk all night, about everything and nothing, we laugh a lot, I cry some more, but my biggest emotion is gratitude for meeting such an amazing and inspiring man.

  ****

  A week before I’m due to leave Arizona, Roman shows up on the doorstep of my aunt and uncle’s house. I invite him in, but he declines. “I just wanted to ask you something,” he says.

  “Sure, what’s up?”

  He jingles his keys in front of me. “Think you could take care of my baby for me?”

  My gaze cuts to the Kombi, parked in the drive. “What?”

  “Think you could take care of Roberta for me? I’m headed to the airport now – I’m going to Thailand for a while. I’ve got a buddy who runs a Yoga center there, I was gonna join him a couple years ago, but then we got together. I figure now is probably the best time. Who knows, maybe I’ll even learn Thai massage.”

  “Omigod, you’re leaving the U.S.? How long for?”

  “I’m just going with the flow, sugar. That’s how I always did it before I came to Arizona, even with my wife.” He jingles his keys again, pulling me from my shock.

  “Are you serious?”
<
br />   “I’m serious all right. You love her almost as much as I do, she’ll be in good hands with you.” I slowly take his offering and then practically jump on him, hugging him. He chuckles and squeezes me. We hold our embrace for some long moments, and I breathe in the sweet almond scent of his hair.

  “You’re still King of Awesome,” I whisper.

  He squeezes me a little tighter. “You just make sure you keep that blog of yours going, so I can check in on you from time to time and make sure you’re all right.” He releases me and turns to walk away.

  “Wait! How’re you getting to the airport?”

  “I’ll head home, pick up my stuff, and call a cab.”

  “No way, dude, I’m taking you. Give me a minute to put my shoes on.”

  I’ll never forget Roman, or regret being with him. Being with him has been one of the best times of my life.

  Now I really do feel ready to go home.

  Fifty Nine: Callie

  San Francisco: October 2011

  Su’s been the best apartment hunter. One week into the search she found me a place in a newly refurbished Edwardian building that I will, “Just love,” because of its traditional features with a modern twist. The best part is that it’s close to all the people I love. It’ll be just like before I left, but this time it’s my own place. Of that, I feel so proud.

  I arrive outside, with my dad in his car behind me. Between the two of us we’ve managed to bring back all my stuff in one trip, and I got a good sale on my car before leaving. I’m already missing my aunt and uncle, but I know I’ll be visiting soon and often. They’ve been my second parents for three years. I’ll never fail to show them my gratitude for that.

  Stepping out of the Kombi, with gray clouds above me and no sign of blue sky, I gaze up at the building before me. I can’t tell you the emotions I felt when I drove onto Bay Bridge. I was tired from the long-ass drive, but the moment I saw the city with a covering of fog nothing else mattered, other than being home.

  Mom and Su are here, and we all form a very long group hug. I snap a shot of Roberta in her new home, a parking space right outside my apartment building. That’ll go on my blog for Roman to see.

  I walk through my front door, which leads into a large living room. It’s a complete blank canvas, ready for me to stamp my ‘Callie’ print on. There’s an open kitchen with granite countertops and maple cabinets, and there’s even space for a dining table.

  I stand visualizing how I want the place to look; I’ll position two large slouchy couches in an L shape around the old refurbished fireplace, an antique coffee table on a shabby rug in the center, and a big flat screen TV mounted on the wall. Orange and yellow will form the color scheme and my photography will add character and a personal touch to the décor.

  The place is perfect, absolutely perfect.

  Sixty: Joe

  I arrive at the bar later than intended, after running over with a client, and head straight out to the patio where the guys are seated. Funky Latino music plays live and the inevitable smell of smoke infuses with the atmosphere.

  These days we all have obligations that mean we don’t hang in this type of setting as much as we used to, but we do make time to suck down a cold beer or two. On nights like tonight its quality bourbon, accompanied by a fine cigar.

  We eat and talk about nothing of consequence and then sit back and languorously enjoy some vintage tobacco. After a while, we end up on the subject of women and Karma.

  I can’t help but feel that in some way our past behavior is catching up with us. I’ve been blessed with an amazing son, who I love more than my own life, but under circumstances that more than ripped my heart out. Dane is one hundred percent committed to his relationship, he’s crazy about Brooklyn, but she knows his reputation from before they got together. Their journey so far is proving to be a fuckload harder than it should be.

  I hadn’t even considered myself to be a bad guy, I never lied and I didn’t take advantage of anyone. I don’t even consider Dane to have been bad. Yes, he liked women, lots of them, we all did, but he didn’t lie or intentionally hurt anyone, either. But you can’t just fuck without some type of problem somewhere along the line, I know that. And, yes, people do get wounded, even if you don’t intend it. So maybe we do deserve some of the crap that’s been sent our way. Sometimes, Karma can be a motherfucker.

  “So come on, you, it’s clear something’s going on,” Dane says to Gerard.

  All eyes are on Gerard, he has no choice but to talk. “Guys you would not believe it. One minute I’m cruising through life, having me a good time, Jessica, Molly, Mackenzie. And then … Bam!” He slaps his hands together, with one loud clap, seconds later his palms land atop the table, with a double thud. “Hold up! Road. Block. Ahead.” He shakes his head and simply says, “Peyton.” He leans back in his chair, like no further explanation is necessary.

  We all glance at each other, and then stare at him. “And?” Adam probes.

  “And what?”

  “You can’t just say that and nothing more.”

  “What more is there to say? She’s the one.” Get the size of that grin on his face right now.

  Dane shakes his head in disbelief. “Fuck me, you’ve got it bad. I’ve never seen that look on your face in all the years I’ve known you. Who is she?”

  “My dad was getting pissed with me at work. Said I wasn’t pulling my weight. He decided I should be demoted to teach me a lesson, have me earn my position back, like I give a fucking fuck. He got in a replacement; Peyton Jordan. Guys, you have got to see her. She’s a smoky-eyed brunette with nice curves and the prettiest smile I’ve ever seen. The finest ass, too, and here’s the best part …”

  We wait.

  He makes us wait some more.

  “She’s an ex porn star.”

  “What?” we all say in unison, absolute shock evident in our response.

  Gerard chuckles. “I’m kidding, guys. Everything is true except the last part, although, she’d be perfect for that career if she wanted to do it. I’d be her number one fan, for sure.”

  I watch him daydream. The dude is love stoned. I figured there was someone, but I didn’t expect this, not from him. It was only weeks ago he was using my son as a freaking chick magnet. Man and child can be quite appealing to some women, and as a result, Uncle Gerard was enjoying his and Jack’s excursions a little too much. Saffron caught onto his use of Nathaniel sooner than I did with Jack. I’d like to make it clear that I did not loan my kid to my buddy for the purpose of bagging chicks, and I haven’t done that myself.

  “So what’s going on with you two?” I ask.

  “I watch her all day. If my dad thought I wasn’t pulling my weight before.” He smiles and I can see he’s thinking about her again.

  “Dude, man, c’mon. Give us more,” Dane says.

  “I know everything I possibly can about her. I know where she lives. If I can get up early enough, I go to her house and watch her leave for work. When she finishes, I follow her home. Sometimes I drive by at night, park up and just hang outside her house.”

  “That’s stalking,” I say. “You’re stalking the poor woman.”

  “That’s not stalking, I’m not gonna hurt her.”

  “That’s not the point,” Dane and Adam say.

  “Guys, it’s not how it sounds, we speak every day. I’m not some crazy killer pervert – I wouldn’t harm a hair on her head. I can’t stop thinking about her and sometimes I just have to see her.”

  “I get it,” I say. “We all get it. But you can’t just follow her around and sit outside her house. Does she know how you feel about her?” Are we really having this conversation?

  “She knows I like her, but she thinks it’s a bad idea because she works for my dad. That’s kinda why I started following her, I just need to be near her.”

  Shit, this isn’t right, even if I know he isn’t a danger to her. “You can’t keep doing it, brother. Whatever way you look at it, you’re stalking h
er. She probably wouldn’t be impressed – she’d be totally weirded out if she knew. Just tell her how you feel. If you really want her, and she doesn’t like the work situation, get another job or something. But stop with the stalking.”

  “If that’s what it takes, then that’s what I’ll do.”

  “Damn, you’re serious,” Dane says, and it’s somewhere between a statement and a question.

  “I’ve never been more serious about anything in my life,” Gerard says, reaching for his bourbon.

  “Fuck that, I’ll gladly stick to my own bullshit,” Dane says.

  This is some crazy shit. And I revert back to my point about karma.

  Sixty One: Callie

  After two weeks, and several visits to thrift and antique stores for furniture and fabrics, my apartment is finally complete. Bright colors and personal photos, my home is a place of love and happiness, and anything that conflicts with it will be left at the front door on the way in.

  Now that I’m settled, I decided to get my hair done today and the growth of my roots inspired my decision to try my natural color for once. I’ve had the full rainbow, though more often than not pink featured in some way, and now I’m all out of ideas. My little project for growing it has resulted in a length a few inches below my armpits. I got my blunt brow-skimming bangs cut again and had it dyed chestnut brown, a perfect match.

  Su and my sister are coming over for dinner and a movie night, but I’ve arrived home earlier than intended. I’m going to do something I’ve been putting off the whole time I’ve been back. I go to my closet and pull out a large cardboard box that I hid in my parents’ house, before I left San Francisco.

  I sit on my bed with my legs crossed and the large package in front of me, my fingers twitching from the urge to open it. I’m hesitant, though. I don’t know what emotions opening it might bring. But this is another important step forward I need to take.