If Only (Captured)

by Louise J

  Repositioning myself on my back, I bring Callie with me, her cheek lain on my chest and her small body snug at me side. “What happened? Why didn’t you come home sooner?”

  “I didn’t plan on staying so long. My intention, when I got there, was to get in touch after your baby arrived, but it was harder than I thought it would be. I did want to and I tried, but I couldn’t make the call.

  “Unexpectedly, I started getting photography work. It was from word of mouth to start with, and the demand just grew. I took what I could get just to keep me from thinking, to keep me busy. The longer I was away, the harder it got to see a way back. I can’t quite explain it, I felt kind of stuck. I wasn’t sure where I’d fit into your new life, or how I’d feel about the child. So I just carried on and stayed.

  “After the first year I called Dane. I thought speaking to him would help me get clear on what I should do and whether I was ready to call you … he told me about you and Emily.”

  Fuck! I close my eyes, exhaling hard. I had no idea about that call.

  “I didn’t feel I had any choice but to stay and move on, it was out of my hands. I made Dane promise not to tell you we spoke. He didn’t like it at all, but we both knew it was necessary for the sake of your son having his mom and dad together.”

  This is worse than when I found out she was living with some other fucking guy, something that wouldn’t have happened if I didn’t get with Emily.

  I open my eyes. “I’d have waited. Damn it, I would have. If I knew you were coming back, I’d have waited no matter how long you needed. When I heard about you starting a business and you hadn’t made contact, I thought I’d been lying to myself that you’d return. Those remaining months of the pregnancy, I just went through the motions, doing and saying all the things I thought I should, not really feeling anything. The whole time it was you on my mind.

  “On the day Jack was born, I sat outside Emily’s hospital room with my mom. I knew the second I entered, and saw him for the first time, my life would never be the same again. Part of me didn’t want to take that step. I wanted to walk out of the hospital and erase the whole damn mess. I don’t know for certain what I would’ve done if my mom wasn’t there with me, maybe I would’ve walked out.

  “Then when I did go in, Emily handed him straight to me. He felt so tiny and vulnerable. He looked so innocent. None of us asked for what happened, but he was the only one who didn’t get a say in anything. I fell in love with my son right then and there, and doing right by him became the most important thing to me. I still held on to the hope that you were coming back, and that you’d be able to accept him, but he, in those first few moments, opened me up to a whole new world and feelings I can’t even describe.

  “Time went on, and Jack was growing fast and developing a character. It was the most amazing time of my life, being a dad and an uncle. At the same time, I was going crazy because you were still gone and you hadn’t made contact. Gradually, I started to accept that you’d made your choice.

  “I was getting on well with Emily, so much better than I’d expected. I watched her raising Jack alongside me and, given the circumstances, I couldn’t have asked for a better mom for him. Something between us started to change. Not love, but a fondness that hadn’t been there at the start, or even right after Jack was born. I felt I owed it to him to try with her. We were good for the most part, but ultimately it didn’t feel totally right. I was kind of holding back, we both knew it. I still loved you, and deep down it didn’t feel like we were completely done. All those years couldn’t have been for nothing. If I didn’t believe that, or if we’d had proper closure, I probably could’ve made it work with Emily. We only lasted eight months.”

  “Eight months?”

  “You didn’t know that. Would you have come back sooner if you had?”

  “Yes. When Dane told me about you two it broke my heart all over again, and I regretted not calling sooner. It was too late.”

  In how many ways can two people keep getting it so wrong?

  “There were times I was going to come to you. I considered it on countless occasions that first year, before and after Jack was born, but I didn’t know if you’d be ready to accept my son. As much as I wanted you, he was part of the package. If I’d known you called I’d have come for you.”

  “You were with Emily, though.”

  “I’d have done it, Callie. I came so close, many times. Jack and the risk of hurting you, again, by asking you to accept him was the only thing that stopped me. I couldn’t chance doing that to you, but if I’d known about the call I would’ve been on the first flight out to you. All I needed was some sort of sign, but you gave me nothing.”

  “Wow,” she whispers. “I couldn’t even bring myself to call you. You’d have come to Scottsdale.”

  “You’re here now, what you’ve done is no different to what I would’ve done for you. I only wish I had. We’ve thrown way too many years away.”

  She sighs. “I really wish you’d hit on me when you first knew you wanted me. Seduced me on your damn table the day you pierced my nipples.” I chuckle hard, and so does she. “I’d have freaked, Joe, you were way too hot.” She props herself up on her elbow, the cream sheet falling to just below those lovely, tempting breasts. Her gaze is accusing, she’s fighting a smile. It’s impossible not to grin myself.

  “What?”

  “Dude, you haven’t even taken me on a date.”

  “You’re right.” I place my hand behind my head, acting the man. “There’s no need to now.” I reach forward and tug lightly on her nipple bar. “You’ve already given it up.”

  Her eyes widen and she pokes me in the ribs. “I don’t even have a comeback for that one.”

  It’s strange to think that we haven’t been on a single date. We’ve had countless nights out, as a group, we’ve been on a bunch of camping trips, and even almost gotten married. Yet, we haven’t been on a date, just the two of us. I’ll have to do something about that.

  Sixty Six: Callie

  The lighter sky accompanying the approach of twilight keeps us in a deep shade of sapphire. We’re spooning, tightly, naked, close, together, the soft tease of Joe’s breath at the nape of my neck, the warmth of his flesh against mine, and the gentle movement of his lips on my skin as he speaks.

  We’ve talked for hours about his experiences during our time apart; becoming and being a dad. I felt pure joy and love hearing it all, I’ve devoured it greedily, and I’m positive I can be with Joe as a father. I’ll never know if I could’ve done it before, but I do know that coming back to San Francisco, to Joe, is the best decision I’ve ever made.

  We’re finally going to get this right. No more if onlys. No more regrets.

  “You know I didn’t run off and sell your ring, right?” I say, smiling.

  He chuckles, his hold around my waist tightening. “I know. And it’s not my ring, it’s yours.”

  “I still want to marry you someday, Joe.”

  “I still intend on marrying you someday. Soon.”

  “Maybe not in Vegas.”

  “Definitely not in Vegas.”

  Turning over to face him, I snake my arms around his neck and he draws me closer. Our bodies perfectly aligned, I look into his eyes, darker in my shaded room. “You realize this is it,” I say, keeping my voice low, appropriate for the mood and the silence throughout my apartment. “I’ll never let you go again. You’re mine, Joe.” I’ve thought those words before and I meant them, but they lacked the determination I felt when I said them just then. I know what it is to truly be without Joe and I’m never going there again.

  Tilting his head back, he presses his lips to the tip of my nose. “I always was yours, Baby cake.”

  This is so not the end! This is our brand new beginning. x

 

 

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