Psychology of Seduction

by Jesse James

  Why did agreeing to the small request for a ‘Drive Safely’ sign increase the homeowners’ likelihood of complying with the larger request? To refuse the request to display the large banner would create an inconsistency with their initial choice to display the small sign. Feeling a deep-seated need to remain consistent, they actually convinced themselves that they were fervent supporters of safe driving, even going so far as to tarnish their property with a gaudy banner. Agreeing to the small request forced the homeowner to redefine his self-image as someone who cares about safe driving. To remain consistent with his new self-image, he had to comply with the larger request.

  Psychologists Freedman and Fraser conclude: ‘What may occur is a change in the person’s feelings about getting involved or taking action. Once he has agreed to a request, his attitude may change, he may become, in his own eyes, the kind of person who does this sort of thing, who agrees to requests made by strangers, who takes action on things he believes in, who cooperates with good causes.’223

  In a second study, the same group of psychologists asked homeowners to first sign a petition in favor of ‘keeping California beautiful,’ which almost everyone agreed to do. Two weeks later, they sent a new ‘volunteer worker’ to ask those same homeowners if they would permit the ugly and obstructive ‘Drive Carefully’ sign to be posted in their lawn. Nearly half of the homeowners consented, even though the two requests were completely unrelated.224

  TIP: Keep Your Initial Request Small

  When using the ‘Foot in the Door Technique,’ keep your initial request small enough that the subject is not likely to refuse it. Delay your larger request, if possible, by days or even weeks. Allow your subject’s small ‘commitment’ to marinate in her subconscious.

  You can use small commitments in seduction to gain compliance with larger requests. For example, avoid seeking sex on the first date. Instead, make your subject commit to a small request, such as a brief kiss, or a glass of wine at her home after dinner. Get your foot in the door. Once she has committed to a small request, it is much easier to gain her compliance for larger requests.

  Master seducers know how to help a woman redefine her self-image using the techniques of lowballing, ‘foot in the door,’ and commitment. Practice these powerful methods frequently on friends, family, and potential lovers to hone your skills.

  CLINIC: How to Recognize a Pickup Artist

  He Establishes a Strong Bond Quickly

  Expert seducers know how to quickly establish a strong bond through engaging, funny conversation. Every skilled pickup artist is an expert conversationalist, leading the woman down the rabbit hole of attraction with each hilarious story or subtle sexual innuendo. If you meet a man who seems like a master conversationalist, and you find yourself quickly letting down your guard, then you are probably the victim of seduction.

  He Looks Deep Into Your Eyes

  Pickup artists know that intense eye contact heightens attraction. A man who gazes deep into a woman’s eyes during an approach scenario is most likely a suave pickup artist attempting to create attraction.

  He Maintains an Air of Mystery

  Seducers know that a woman is captivated by a mysterious man. If you meet someone who is reluctant to tell you much about himself, he’s either a fugitive from the law, a CIA spook, or he’s playing you for a fool, trying to lure you in with the hook of mystery. A woman often finds herself irresistibly attracted to a mysterious man because she can’t wait to find out his secrets, as if enthralled by a gripping detective novel.

  He Seems Too Good to Be True

  Most of us are just average, but skilled seducers know how to make themselves seem larger-than-life, almost God-like. If you meet a man who seems too good to be true, he probably is.

  He Negs You

  It’s a dead give-away. Only pickup artists use the infamous ‘neg’ to lower a woman’s self-esteem. If he busts out this tactic, then he’s been creeping around the SeductionScience.com website.

  He Throws You Off Balance

  Figuratively - hopefully not literally. Seduction artists use a ‘push and pull’ strategy to sow confusion in their target. One minute, he’s all smiles and charm. The next minute, he’s more interested in his iPhone than you.

  There’s Nothing Soft About Hard Times

  Known as reciprocal altruism, the tendency to reciprocate favors is deeply ingrained in the human psyche. Biologists observe reciprocity in the animal world too. Monkeys, bats and some fish reciprocate favors, but these examples are the exception rather than the norm. For the most part, non-human animals act as if their own self-interest is all that matters in the world. What makes humans different?

  Big brains. Reciprocity evolved as a useful tool for survival at a time when survival was by no means assured. There was a point in human history when only ten thousand human beings inhabited the entire planet. Sabre-tooth tigers outnumbered us a hundred to one. Unlike tigers, humans possess no natural weapons with which to fight. We were outgunned, outnumbered, barely clothed, hardly fed and struggling to survive in a harsh environment. Enter reciprocity.

  Hunting is uncertain. A hunter may return after a few hours with a big game animal, or he may search in vain for days or even weeks. Back in the day, every man was a hunter, and thus every man was vulnerable to the vagaries of luck. The lucky hunter who returned with a Wooly Mammoth offered chunks of meat to his unlucky companions. Food reciprocity emerged as a kind of insurance policy against future bad fortune on the hunt. Share with me now and I will share with you later. Quid pro quo.

  In the ancestral environment, we encountered the same people repeatedly in our daily lives. Tribes were seldom composed of more than a few hundred individuals. Everybody knew everybody. Favors granted during times of individual good fortune tended to be repaid during times of hardship. Trading favors of all kinds became an insurance policy against future bad luck. It was like AIG for Neanderthals.

  Duke University anthropologist Carol Stack found something similar happening in an Illinois ghetto known as ‘the Flats.’ She discovered a ‘robust tradition’ of reciprocity among residents. In the ghetto, wealth comes in spurts. Jimmy Buffet sings ‘there’s nothing soft about hard times,’ and hard times occur frequently and unpredictably in urban ghettos. Swapping clothes, food and furniture enables residents to guarantee security, much like our ancestors provided meat to unlucky hunters to protect themselves against future bad luck. Dr. Stack observes that residents of the Flats use reciprocal altruism to ensure ‘that someone will be there to help out when one is in need and that one will get a share of any windfalls that come along.’225

  Reciprocity is not all wine and roses. If someone does you a favor, you feel a sense of obligation to repay it. Humans have an innate ‘social contract’ instinct.

  Trekking through the wild Rockies in the 1830s, Captain Benjamin Louis E. de Bonneville encountered a Nez Perce chief, who presented him with a fine young stallion. According to Washington Irvine, the American explorer understood that ‘a parting pledge was necessary on his own part, to prove that this friendship was reciprocated.’ Accordingly, he ‘placed a handsome rifle in the hands of the venerable chief; whose benevolent heart was evidently touched and gratified by this outward and visible sign of amity.’ How touching.226

  Gift-giving obliges the recipient to return the favor. Much of our knowledge of reciprocal altruism comes from anthropologists’ experience in giving gifts to ‘primitive’ tribes.

  Anthropologists Lee Cronk and Beth Leech presented gifts to the Mukogodo tribe of Kenya during their fieldwork there in 1986. Instead of gratitude, the Mukogodo reacted with hostility; clothing was never nice enough, containers never big enough and treats never plentiful enough. Cronk observed that ‘every gift horse was examined carefully, in the mouth and elsewhere. Like the !Kung, the Mukogodo believe that all gifts have an element of calculation, and they were right to think that ours were no exception.’227

  Consider the origin of the term ‘Indian gift.
’ Not long after arriving in the new world, the earliest white settlers in New England discovered that gifts from natives required reciprocity; the failure to reciprocate could ignite a war. By 1764 the term ‘Indian gift’ had entered the lexicon, becoming so common that Massachusetts colonial historian Thomas Hutchinson defined it as ‘a proverbial expression, signifying a present for which an equivalent return is expected.’228

  Reciprocity can be used as a seduction technique. Humans are programmed to chafe under the burden of obligation. Performing a small favor for a woman obligates her to perform a larger favor for you in order to relieve herself of the psychological burden of debt.

  Women frequently complain about the uncomfortable sense of obligation they feel to return the generosity of a man who has given them an expensive gift or funded an expensive night out. Even buying a woman a drink puts her under a small obligation to pay you some attention.

  Reciprocity is a double-edged sword. On one hand, you can exploit the human tendency towards reciprocal altruism to get what you want in the short term – usually sex. But you risk creating negative emotions and feelings towards you in the mind of your subject. Be careful.

  Closely related to the reciprocity play is the ‘rejection-then-retreat’ technique, also known as the ‘door in the face’ because it works exactly opposite to the ‘foot in the door.’ This method begins with an initially large request which the subject is expected to turn down. The seducer (or car salesman) follows up with a second, more reasonable request.

  Car salesmen often use an outlandish initial request to gain compliance with a smaller request. The sneaky car dealer might ask if you want ‘all options’ for the new Mustang, knowing full well you can’t afford the $1500 stereo, leather seats and moon-roof. When you decline, he comes back with a more reasonable request; how about just the leather seats?

  This technique works wonders in seduction. Suppose you want to dance with a woman at a club. You can use a simple approach line such as ‘how about we split from this club and find somewhere more quiet?’ If you’re very lucky, she says yes. But if she declines, retreat from your initially large request to a smaller concession: ‘Ok, how about a dance then?’

  Do you see what just happened? First you made a big request (asking her to leave the club with you), then you retreated to a much smaller request (just a dance). She is considerably more likely to agree to your request for a dance if your first request was for much more than that. This tactic also exploits the ‘contrast principle’ because your request for a dance appears very harmless and innocuous compared to your request to ‘go somewhere more quiet.’

  Truly gifted seducers (and salesmen!) make an initial request which is exaggerated enough to allow for a series of reciprocal concessions ending in a desirable final offer, yet not so outrageous as to be seen as illegitimate from the start. Practice this maneuver; you will achieve success in business as well as pleasure. You might even save money buying a car.

  Reciprocity can trigger negative feelings by creating a sense of obligation, but it works the other way too. Performing a small favor for someone often engenders positive feelings toward the person for whom the favor is being rendered.

  Do someone a favor and they resent you. Ask a favor and they like you. What’s going on here?

  For tens of thousands of years humans have used gift-giving as a form of manipulation. Offering buffalo meat to a fellow hunter meant you expected him to return the favor in the future. Giving gifts puts the receiver on the hook to reciprocate the favor. Gifts are little more than obligations – and nobody likes to feel obligated to anyone else.

  The Kwakiutl Indians on Vancouver Island understood the power of reciprocity. Famous for their lavish feasts, the Kwakiutl would give away prized possessions to neighboring tribes during elaborate gatherings known as potlatches. By offering expensive gifts, tribal leaders expected to receive even more valuable gifts in return. Matt Ridley explains that potlatches were ‘a selfish and devious method for exploiting the human capacity for falling for reciprocity, a sort of parasitism of reciprocity. Potlatches were designed to exploit the fact that people instinctively could not resist the temptation to return generosity.’ If gift-giving is not truly altruistic, it should come as no surprise that humans view exceptional generosity with deep suspicion.229

  A branch of psychology known as Cognitive Dissonance Theory sheds light on this curious phenomenon. Even serial killers and rapists believe they are ‘good people.’ When we harm someone, we rationalize our bad behavior to protect our self-concept as a good person. For example, we might think to ourselves: ‘why did I do this bad thing to my friend? It must be because he deserved it, otherwise I would be a bad person, and that can’t be true.’ We unconsciously make such rationalizations all the time. Here’s the key point; doing someone a favor simply inverts the law, creating positive feelings instead of negative: ‘This person must be good, which is why I did him a favor.’

  Most of us make the mistake of doing favors for people when we want them to like us. Bad move. Gift-giving (or favor-giving) simply creates a feeling of obligation, which your recipient will want to shake off faster than a dog shakes off water. The larger the gift or favor, the greater the obligation, and the more resentment the recipient feels. If you want someone to experience deep internal positive feelings towards you, ask them to do you a small favor. Request a small favor from a woman and watch her attraction bloom.

  Most guys approach a woman in a bar or club by offering to buy her a drink. Don’t do it. A shot of vodka might earn you two minutes of attention, but she will move on the next man – and the next free drink. Instead, ask her to buy something for you. First, you will you appear self-confident and unique since most guys don’t have the kahunas. Second, agreeing to your request will trigger positive feelings towards you in her mind. And if the situation later develops not necessarily to your advantage … well, at least you got a free drink.

  CLINIC: Operant Conditioning

  Behaviorist B.F. Skinner introduced the concept of ‘operant conditioning,’ a method of learning whereby desired behaviors are rewarded with positive reinforcement, while undesirable behaviors are discouraged through punishment. For example, scientists can use operant conditioning to train a lab rat to press a green button instead of a red button. When the rat presses the green button, he is rewarded with a pellet of food. When he presses the red button, he receives a mild electric shock. Not surprisingly, the lab rat quickly learns to press the green button.

  Men and women aren’t exactly lab rats, but they too can be trained using the principles of operant conditioning. The basic premise of operant conditioning is that actions followed by positive reinforcement will be more likely to occur again in the future, whereas actions followed by punishment will be less likely to recur. If you make a joke at your friend’s wedding and everyone breaks out laughing, you’ll be more likely to tell that joke again in the future. If everyone scowls, you probably won’t bust out that same one-liner again. You might even think twice about making jokes in public.

  Skinner differentiated between ‘respondent behaviors’ and ‘operant behaviors,’ explaining that respondent behavior occurs automatically and reflexively, such as when you jump out of the way of an oncoming car, or leap back from a rattlesnake. You don’t learn respondent behaviors because they occur automatically and involuntarily.

  In contrast, operant behaviors occur under our conscious control; they can be learned and unlearned based on positive or negative feedback we receive from our environment.

  Examples of operant conditioning abound all around us. Children who receive praise from their parents after completing a homework assignment are victims of positive reinforcement, a component of operant conditioning. Parents who punish their children for skipping school by taking away their television priveleges are using punishment to deter the child’s truancy behavior in the future.

  The savvy seducer can use operant conditioning to encourage or discourage certain
behaviors in the opposite sex. Reinforce desired behaviors in your target by offering praise or very small gifts, while discourage certain behaviors (such as complaining, whining, or neediness) by punishing your target with verbal condemnation, lack of attention, or avoidance. The important point is never to ignore desirable or undesirable behaviors; always use either positive reinforcement or punishment to encourage or discourage a particular action. Consider your target a lab rat; would you like her to push the green button or the red button?

  The Contrast Principle

  Most teachers are happily married. In fact, teachers have one of the lowest divorce rates of any occupational group. The exception to this statistic - male high school teachers and college professors - points out a dark spot in human nature. Sociologist Satoshi Kanazawa at the Indiana University of Pennsylvania speculated that the ‘contrast principle’ accounts for the high divorce rate among this subset of teaching professionals.

  According to the ‘contrast principle,’ the contrast between two things can make them seem more different than they actually are. For example, if you lift a light object first and then a heavy object, the heavy object seems heavier than if you lifted it first.

  Kanazawa discovered that male kindergarten and grade school teachers tended to enjoy stable marriages, while male high school teachers and college professors experienced high divorce rates. In a report titled ‘Teaching May be Hazardous to Your Marriage,’ he speculated that these men remained unmarried or divorced because any woman they might meet in ‘real life’ would pale in comparison to the pretty young girls strutting around their classrooms. Kanazawa explains that ‘There appears to be something about male teachers who come in daily contact with teenaged women that increases the likelihood of being currently divorced or separated.’ Any psychological effect powerful enough to sabotage marriages or prevent men from marrying should be taken very seriously by seducers.230