Psychology of Seduction

by Jesse James

  You may have noticed the same effect in bars and clubs without understanding it. For example, if you are talking to a beautiful woman at a club and then a less attractive girl joins the conversation, she will appear even less attractive than she actually is.

  Studies conducted at Arizona State and Montana State universities found that we are less satisfied with the physical attractiveness of our own lovers because of how the media bombards us with images of attractive models. College students rated pictures of average looking members of the opposite sex less attractive when they had first browsed the ads in some popular magazines. Male college students rated the photo of a potential blind date in another study. Students who did so while watching Charlie’s Angels viewed the blind date as less attractive than those who rated her while watching a different program, presumably one without pretty girls.231

  Gutierres and Kenrick, authors of the above study, also found that women who are surrounded by other beautiful women - whether in real life, magazines, or on television - rate themselves as less satisfied with their own appearance and less desirable as a mate. ‘If there are a large number of desirable members of one’s own sex available, one may regard one’s own market value as lower,’ explain the psychologists.232

  TIP: How to Apply The Contrast Principle In Real Life

  Approach women at bars and clubs who have been talking with less attractive men than you. Never approach a woman who has been flirting with a more attractive man because that will make you look less attractive than you actually are.

  According to the contrast principle, you should have more luck seducing an average-looking woman in a group of gorgeous females than in a group of average-looking females. If the pool of women in a given environment (bar, nightclub, gym, etc) is filled with extremely beautiful ladies, choosing a slightly less attractive female increases your chances of seduction because her self-esteem will be lower than usual. For example, a woman rated ‘9’ on a scale of 1-10 would typically exhibit high self-esteem based on her attractiveness. However, if she is surrounded by women rated ‘10,’ her self-esteem would decrease accordingly, making her a ripe target for seduction. By visiting venues populated by highly attractive women, you can easily pick the ‘lower-hanging fruit’ because their self-esteem has been diminished by the presence of extreme beauty.

  Conversely, you should avoid venues populated by very handsome men. If you are surrounded by handsome men, you will appear less handsome than you actually are. Recall George Bush; he might have gotten C’s in school, but he was smart enough to hire height-challenged cabinet members to make himself look taller.

  The moral of this story; your appearance is highly subjective, dependent upon your company. Strive to surround yourself with men who are less-attractive than yourself, and pursue women grouped with more-attractive females.

  A Math Problem

  Men and women stand on opposite ends of an ‘equals’ sign. The psychology of seduction reduces to a simple math equation; because eggs are more valuable than sperm, the male’s mate value must be higher than the female’s mate value for the equation to balance. This is what I call the ‘mating equation.’

  Expert seducers know how to raise their own mate value or lower the female’s mate value (or both) to balance the equation, creating attraction. Remember in Chapter 1 we discussed the asymmetry of sexual selection? Eggs are rare and valuable, while sperms are cheap and plentiful. Since women possess the more valuable sexual resource, they tend to be much choosier in selecting a mate.

  But this is only a general rule. The relative mate value of two individuals is ultimately what decides whether a seduction will succeed or fail. Fame and status help balance the equation, raising the mate value of some men so much that the relative difference in the value of eggs and sperm becomes insignificant.

  Consider Brad Pitt. He could easily seduce most young women. Why? Not because of his good looks; many unknown male models are objectively better looking. His seductiveness comes from his high mate value, which derives from his fame, wealth and status. Because his mate value is higher than the mate value of almost every average person, including most women, he enjoys success in seduction.

  You don’t have to be Brad Pitt to attract women. You just need to raise your mate value, or at least convince a woman that your mate value is higher than it actually is.

  Exploiting social proof provides the quickest and easiest way to balance the mating equation. Surrounding yourself with beautiful women increases your mate value tremendously. Suddenly you are in demand, cheap sperm be damned.

  Increasing your income or job status (or simply lying about it) will also increase your mate value. Doctors, lawyers and other professionals do not enjoy the sexual success associated with fame, but their relatively high status ensures them a wide selection of females with lower mate value than themselves. Who do you think possesses higher mate value, an average-looking male heart surgeon or a beautiful but uneducated twenty-year-old waitress at the local diner? Do you think the heart surgeon would have trouble picking up the waitress? High status balances the equation, rendering the economic difference between sperms and eggs almost moot.

  Famous pickup artists such as Mystery and David D’Angelo recommend ‘negging’ to reduce a woman’s mate value. Negging works by lowering the social worth of your target, essentially sandbagging her mate value. Unfortunately this method is so prone to misuse (and overuse) that it should be employed with extreme caution, or not at all.

  You can balance the mating equation by raising your own social value. Improving your appearance and personality boosts your mate value and helps offset the worthlessness of those cheap, plentiful sperms.

  One major component of successful seduction is target selection. It is much, much easier to seduce a woman with a lower mate value than your own, so you must either raise your own mate value or artificially lower hers. Avoid attempting to seduce a woman with higher mate value; you will end up playing by her rules, rapidly losing control of the seduction.

  If you consistently choose women whose mate value is extremely high relative to yours, expect to fail again and again. No amount of psychological knowledge or trickery will enable you to seduce Jessica Alba or Angelina Jolie – unless, of course, you’re Brad Pitt. But if you’re Brad Pitt, why do you need this book?

  Seduction is a poker game. Start the hand with pocket aces and you will usually win even if you play badly. Brad Pitt has aces, by the way. An offsuit 10 4 almost always loses, even if you play like Phil Hellmuth. Your handling of the mediocre hands in between determines your success or failure at the poker table. What cards are you holding?

  Realistically assess your own mate value, making improvements where possible. Avoid seducing women whose mate value drastically exceeds your own. Know when to hold ‘em, know when to fold ‘em, know when to walk away and know when to run.

  Mate Poaching (Or How to Steal Your Best Friend’s Girl)

  Does the love of your life have a boyfriend? Not to worry – unless, of course, he just won an MMA fight. Is he fiercely protective of his woman? Well, maybe it is time to worry …

  The first report of mate poaching goes back to the story of King David and Bathsheba in the Bible.

  One day King David caught a fleeting glimpse of the seductive Bathsheba bathing on the roof of a neighboring home. Unfortunately for the love-struck King, Bathsheba was married to another man, a soldier named Uriah. Undeterred, David succeeded in seducing Uriah’s wife, impregnating her. Wanting to be rid of his sexual rival forever, he ordered Uriah into battle and then commanded his troops to retreat, exposing his rival to mortal attack. King David married the slain soldier’s wife and fathered four children. Mate poaching works, but it helps to be a king.

  Anthropologists describe human mating patterns as ‘serial monogamy,’ but I think even this label is too generous.

  David Schmitt, in a massive study of mate-poaching consisting of 16,964 individuals from 53 nations, discovered that 64% of men and
54% of women admitted to succumbing to the lures of a mate poacher when already involved in a committed relationship. Throughout the world, 12 percent of men and 8 percent of women report that their current partner was romantically involved with someone else when they first met.233

  Almost everyone – male and female – has experienced first-hand mate poaching attempts. Fully 93% of men and 82% of women admit that a poacher has tried to lure them out of an existing relationship for either casual sex or long-term commitment.234

  TIP: Always Have a Plan

  In the world of seduction, most men are like a raft drifting on the open ocean with no idea where they’re going, and no way to get there. With a little knowledge and planning, you can become a cruise ship, not a raft.

  So you want to steal someone’s mate? Be careful. Did you know that in Texas you can legally murder a man if you find him in bed with your wife in your own home?

  Mate-poaching strategies are commonly referred to as ‘boyfriend destroyer patterns.’ I will describe a few tricks just to whet your appetite.

  Using the ‘bait and switch’ technique, a poacher may insert himself into a couple’s life as a trusted friend, growing emotionally closer to the female. The seducer switches to full poaching mode when opportunity knocks – such as the woman’s boyfriend or husband leaving her alone for an extended period of time, or a spousal argument, or some other conflict between the bonded pair.

  Friends frequently end up becoming sexual rivals. Remember the principle of assortative mating? Similars attract. A man’s friends usually exhibit similarities to the man himself, so those friends also embody the qualities that his wife desires. We pick friends who embody our own values, interests, hobbies and personality traits. A man’s wife will therefore tend to be attracted to her husband’s friends.

  In the world of high mountaineering, bold alpinists suffer a high mortality rate. Wives of mountain climbers killed in avalanches tend to marry one of their husband’s close friends. It is easy to understand why, as alpinists all share very similar qualities of ambition, boldness, risk-taking, and love of the outdoors. If your first husband died climbing Everest, would you want to marry a shoe salesman next?

  Skilled mate poachers drive a wedge into the couple’s relationship, often through outright lies. For example, one may suggest to his friend’s wife that her husband is fooling around or at least thinking about moving on. Another trick is to point out flaws in the couple’s relationship or flaws in the husband himself. The mate-poacher might tell the woman that her husband doesn’t seem to treat her very well. Successful mate poaching involves driving a wedge into the relationship through deception, innuendo, and manipulation. Learn how to subtly create doubt and confusion about the relationship.

  Poachers can also exploit the mate value selection dynamic by mentioning to the woman that she is ‘too good’ for her husband or that she ‘deserves someone better.’ The mate poacher’s goal should be to create a discrepancy in mate value between the two partners, lowering the mate value of the husband while raising the mate value of the wife.

  Good luck. And I hope you don’t live in Texas.

  Chapter 14

  What’s Love Got To Do With It?

  ‘Of all the words of tongue or pen, the saddest are these: “It might have been.”’

  - John Greanleaf Whittier

  The story of the Roman triumvir Mark Antony and Egyptian Queen Cleopatra is a true tale of love. Having fallen in love at first sight, the relationship between these two lovers elevated Egypt to superpower status in the ancient world. Infuriated by their love affair and the growing influence of Egypt, the future Roman Emperor Octavian threatens war. Despite the risks and deeply in love, Antony and Cleopatra decide to get married. When the outraged Octavian finally attacks Egypt, Antony receives false news on the battlefield of Cleopatra’s death. Devastated, he falls on his sword. When Cleopatra hears of Antony’s death, she calmly drinks the poison of a venomous snake, awaiting her reunion with her lover in the afterlife.

  One wonders if either Antony or Cleopatra would have been so quick to meet God had they known that the emotion of love was just an algorithm for making babies, created by molecules bouncing around in the brain. These molecules form chemicals known as phenylethylalamine (PEA) and oxytocin. Reductionism ho!

  Learning the evolutionary basis of love is a bit like watching a movie spoiler; you may still enjoy the movie, but the magic is gone. The chemical phenylethylalamine, also known as the ‘love molecule,’ gives rise to attraction and romantic lust. PEA produces strong physical attraction, but - like the fast times at Ridgemont High - the party doesn’t last forever. The typical ‘expiration date’ for PEA in the brain is six months to three years. Know anyone who seems to fall in and out of love all the time? People who become addicted to the feeling created by PEA are known as ‘love addicts.’ PEA is a close cousin of amphetamine, accounting for the striking similarities between love addiction and drug addiction.

  Even more powerful than phenylethylalamine is oxytocin, also known as the ‘cuddle hormone.’ Associated with emotional bonding, oxytocin release explains why some women experience an intense connection with their partners following orgasm. Oxytocin produces feelings of comfort, safety and attachment, similar to the party drug MDMA.

  Miranda Lim discovered the link between oxytocin and monogamy in animals. Prairie voles form long-lasting pair-bonds, share nests, rear their offspring together and avoid meeting other potential mates. Closely related to prairie voles are montane voles, which are polygamous and do not form pair bonds at all. In fact, they abandon their offspring shortly after birth. The primary difference between the two species is oxytocin, which is produced by prairie voles but not by montane voles.235

  By blocking bonding receptors in their brains, researchers transformed normally monogamous prairie voles into sex-crazed polygamists to rival Warren Jeffs. They also achieved the reverse effect, turning montane voles into faithful husbands by transferring the bonding receptor gene from the prairie vole to the montane vole.236

  We’re not prairie voles. But we’re not that much different, either.

  CLINIC: How to Raise Oxytocin Levels In Your Partner

  Want to make a woman hornier than a three-peckered billy-goat? Instead of ruffies, you could secretly slip some oxytocin into her drink - but that would be illegal and just plain rude. Nevertheless, there are some tricks men can (legally) use to increase oxytocin levels in a potential partner.

  Make Her Laugh

  Before I go on a date or a prowl on Saturday night, I like to watch at least an hour of stand-up comedy on YouTube, such as Louis C.K. or Bill Burr. Laughter boosts oxytocin levels and comedy shows will also make you funnier, which helps on an awkward date. Laughter is the ultimate aphrodisiac, triggering a massive release of oxytocin. Since I’m not a hilarious person by nature, the half-life of this effect is about three hours, after which I revert to my old serious self.

  Give Her a Massage

  High doses of oxytocin are released when a person is massaged or caressed. Learning the art of massage pays wonderful sexual dividends.

  Give Her a Big Hug

  Hugging and even gentle, nonsexual touching triggers oxytocin release. Women are typically very receptive to nonsexual hugs, even from a man they just met. As part of a complete seduction strategy, the pickup artist community recommends ‘kino,’ which is a form of escalated physical contact beginning with a light touch on the arm. Science confirms the legitimacy of this practice based on the proven release of oxytocin on physical contact.

  Get Some Exercise

  Forget boring movie dates! Consider taking your partner on an active date involving exercise, such as a long talk in a park, swimming, indoor rock climbing, or cycling. Physical exercise is proven to boost oxytocin levels, increasing the attraction between two people.

  Make Eye Contact

  Eye contact and ‘deep interaction’ release oxytocin, according to Dr. Uvas-Mosberg. During a seduction or
an awkward first date, some men unconsciously avoid prolonged eye contact. We’re shy, us guys. But science shows that gazing deep into your partner’s eyes triggers the release of oxytocin.

  Eat Oxytocin Rich Foods

  Dinner date? Oxytocin-rich foods include turkey, nuts, fish, chicken, cheese and eggs. Consuming these foods will boost oxytocin levels in the body. Vegans are out of luck!

  Give Her an Orgasm

  A burst of oxytocin is also released following female orgasm. Want a woman to fall deeply in love with you? Improve your sexual skills. Obviously a woman will like you more if you please her in bed, but oxytocin release following orgasm will trigger an even stronger emotional bonding response. ‘Remember, sex is like a Chinese dinner,’ explained Alec Baldwin. ‘It ain’t over ‘til you both get your cookie.’

  Love at First Fright

  I was returning from a club late one night in Los Angeles when suddenly a man rushed out from behind a dumpster, sporting a black balaclava and brandishing a gun. I froze. Fear drowned rational thought. The fight or flight response hit me like an oncoming train.

  Fear triggers adrenaline, which activates the sympathetic nervous system (SNS), a sub-branch of the autonomic nervous system. During a heightened state of fear or anxiety, the SNS assumes control of the body, triumphing over slower rational thought. Based in the amygdala, the SNS is a much older part of the brain, having evolved long before the relatively new neocortex, the seat of reason and consciousness. Preparing the body for quick action when facing a threat, the SNS triggers physiological symptoms such as dilated pupils, increased blood flow to the face and neck, irregular heartbeat, digestive shut-down, heart palpitations and shortness of breath caused by relaxed bronchial muscles. As the smooth muscles of the digestive tract seize up, some people defecate themselves, known as encopresis. Terrified, we shit our pants.