S.T.I.N.K.B.O.M.B.

by Rob Stevens

  Villenemi didn’t say anything for a while but the scales on his head changed from green to vivid red for about a minute before cooling down to their original colour.

  Turning to his guard, Barney whispered, ‘Honestly, these Odious Masterminds are so condescending! First you’re a useless blubbering mass, now you’re a wally.’ Antony responded with another angry shove.

  ‘Why have you chosen these samples for your experiment?’ Archie asked.

  ‘A-ha,’ Villenemi exclaimed, grateful for the opportunity to show off again. ‘Master Ulrik is a champion biathlete so he has been selected for his marksmanship and sheer endurance, while our young mountaineer, Master Schumaker, possesses extraordinary climbing ability and unparalleled courage. I will include my secret characteristic from the marine world but my final volunteer is not your father at all.’ Villenemi allowed himself a moment’s pause before announcing gleefully, ‘It is you, Master Hunt.’

  ‘Er, yeah,’ Archie whispered. ‘I gathered.’

  Villenemi looked crestfallen once more. ‘Oh, come now. Please don’t try and pretend you knew already,’ he chuckled uncertainly. ‘Did you?’

  ‘Of course I did,’ Archie insisted. ‘As soon as I saw my father next to those two kids I knew he didn’t fit in. But even if I hadn’t worked it out then, you just told me that adult DNA is too brittle for your crackpot procedure.’

  ‘Did I?’ Villenemi mumbled. ‘Drat. I didn’t mean to give that away so soon.’

  ‘Don’t feel bad,’ said Barney, rolling his eyes. ‘You’ve only had, let me see, your whole life to prepare this little speech.’

  ‘Where was I?’ Villenemi frowned at Archie. ‘Ah yes, I intended to kidnap you and stage a car crash to kill your father, leaving no one who would care enough to come looking for you. When my fake police officers bungled the job I thought I’d have to make do with a substitute. But then you appeared in Hamburg determined to save Daddy dearest and I realised that I could use your ingenuity to my advantage.’

  ‘So why didn’t you grab us as soon as we landed on your roof ?’ asked Archie.

  ‘Oh, I considered it when I saw your little plane approaching.’ Villenemi smiled smarmily. ‘But it seemed a shame to interrupt you when you were doing such a marvellous job of coming to me. Besides, I was enjoying the thought of you scurrying around like a little lab rat. It was really quite tantalising.’

  ‘Why did you choose me in the first place?’ Archie asked.

  ‘From you I shall be extracting your ability to fly and your inherited predisposition to excel at all martial arts. No other child in the world has your proven skill at the controls of a jet plane, while your aptitude for hand-to-hand combat will make my soldier especially valuable in guerrilla warfare.’

  Archie remembered his father telling him he would turn out to be a natural at martial arts and he felt strangely uncomfortable – like he was the last one to be let in on a secret.

  ‘Why does everyone keep going on about me being some sort of kung fu expert?’ Archie asked. ‘Even I only just found out I can kick the living daylights out of people – so how come you knew?’

  ‘By all accounts you handled yourself exceptionally well in Hamburg,’ Villenemi argued. ‘And the spinning back kick in the security suite was quite something. You have certainly inherited the potential to be almost unbeatable in hand-to-hand combat.’

  ‘When he was in the forces my dad was trained in self-defence, but I don’t think he was any kind of expert,’ said Archie.

  ‘My dear Master Hunt.’ Villenemi’s patronising chortle made Archie’s skin crawl. ‘I wasn’t talking about your father. I was talking about your mother.’

  ‘My mother?’ Archie could barely breathe.

  ‘Yes, your mother.’ The evil mastermind’s scales turned a brilliant shade of orange. ‘As I’m sure you know, she was a highly trained government agent and an expert in a multitude of martial arts. She was the operative who tried so hard to track me down when everyone overreacted just because a few orphans didn’t survive my genetic experimentation.’

  ‘My mother was an MI6 agent?’

  ‘Oh dear. I seem to have let the cat out of the bag.’ Villenemi feigned embarrassment.

  ‘Did you know her?’ Archie asked weakly, although in his broken heart he already knew the answer.

  ‘Oh yes – your mother and I played cat and mouse for some weeks. She nearly caught me too.’ Villenemi drew a satisfied breath. ‘That’s why I had to kill her.’

  ‘Y-you killed my mother?’ Archie stammered.

  ‘I’m afraid I did. My bad,’ said Villenemi. ‘If it’s any consolation, she was too good an agent to be killed in the line of duty. That’s why I had to find out where she lived and run her over when she was off duty. It was the only way I could get her off my case.’

  ‘You monster,’ Barney snarled.

  Archie was speechless, rage and hatred coursing through his veins. His head throbbed with an almost overwhelming desire for immediate revenge but fighting his instincts he said and did nothing. Clenching his teeth, he waited for his anger to subside. He knew he had to stay calm for his plan to work. Your time will come, Doctor Doom, he thought. Sooner than you think.

  ‘Well, I think I’ve talked for long enough,’ Villenemi announced. ‘If I went on much longer you might get the impression I’m some sort of twisted egomaniac.’

  ‘No chance,’ added Barney. ‘I mean, so far you’ve come across as being extremely well-balanced and humble.’

  ‘Anyway, I rather fancy taking over the world now,’ said Villenemi, as though he’d had a sudden yen for a cup of tea.

  ‘Will the experiment hurt?’ Archie asked.

  ‘Absolutely not,’ Villenemi replied reassuringly. ‘I won’t feel a thing. You, on the other hand, will experience searing pain like you never thought possible.’ Everyone waited around awkwardly while Villenemi indulged in another peal of wicked laughter. ‘Claws, wire up our final volunteer into cylinder four, would you.’

  The figure dressed in black immediately snapped into action. As his arms came from behind his back Archie could see that instead of hands he had two giant crab’s claws. He made his way across the glossy floor, shuffling sideways, holding his pincers out in front of him like a surgeon who’s just scrubbed up. As he turned, Archie noticed a shell hump that grew from his tortuously hunched shoulders enveloping his whole neck and half of his skull, to which it was fused. With his head rendered immovable, the crabman had to stop every few yards and rotate his whole body to check he was progressing in the right direction. Finally reaching his target, he grabbed Archie firmly by the arm.

  Except the figure standing on the operations platform with his hood over his head wasn’t Archie. Archie was still hiding on the gantry, watching the whole scene play out beneath him, while feeding Finn his lines through his wireless earpiece.

  Finn’s instructions had been to simply repeat to the evil mastermind everything he heard in his earpiece.

  Holding Finn with one pincer, Claws started dragging him across to the vacant cylinder, which Villenemi raised with a lever on his control deck. Instinctively Finn resisted, struggling desperately against the crabman’s efforts.

  ‘Don’t fight him,’ Archie whispered.

  Finn turned to face Claws. ‘Don’t fight him,’ he said defiantly..

  ‘You what?’ frowned Claws.

  ‘Don’t repeat this,’ Archie urged Finn. ‘I’m just telling you to let him wire you up.’

  ‘Don’t repeat this,’ Finn sneered into the crabman’s face. ‘I’m just telling you to let him wire you up.’

  Holding Finn’s arm, Claws turned his body towards Villenemi. ‘I think this one’s lost the plot, boss,’ he said.

  ‘Just get him connected up,’ Villenemi snapped. ‘It’s time to get this show on the road.’

  Archie held his breath while he watched Claws connecting the wires to Finn’s temples and wrists. ‘Let’s get you strapped in nice and tight,’ Claws said men
acingly as he attached Velcro belts tightly round Finn’s chest and legs, securing him to a backplate. With mock concern he added, ‘If you’re not strapped in you could end up getting hurt, and we wouldn’t want that now, would we?’

  When his work was done Claws sidled back across the operations platform, resuming his post in front of the control deck..

  ‘I have one last question,’ Archie muttered and Finn echoed his request. ‘Which animal trait did you finally select for your ultimate soldier?’

  ‘Ah yes, I’m so glad you asked,’ Villenemi replied smugly. ‘As I said, I realised that many sea creatures possess this quality, which is why I experimented with starfish for a while, but everyone I created was just so spineless. Finn’s transmutation was actually a huge breakthrough – apart from the memory loss. While potentially useful, his ability to breathe underwater was just a side effect. The great discovery was to see how quickly his scales grew back. Eventually I perfected extracting a similar genetic code from a crab and have used it to create Claws here. I’m sure he’ll be only too happy to give you a demonstration.’

  Archie watched the crabman hold his arms in front of him, grabbing one pincer firmly with the other. With a violent twist, accompanied by the sound of snapping shell and popping tendons, he wrenched off his own arm and threw it to the floor.

  Within seconds the empty sleeve hanging limply at the crabman’s side began to twitch and stretch. Archie’s eyes grew wider as he watched a brand new pincer grow from the severed stump. It took less than a minute for the new claw to develop to the exact size of the original. In the same time, the exposed muscle on the elbow of the discarded limb had itself begun to regenerate, sprouting into a complete upper arm and shoulder.

  Archie felt the blood drain from his face as he considered the potential effects of Villenemi’s discovery. He had isolated the gene responsible for tissue regeneration, which meant he was about to create the genetic blueprint of a totally indestructible soldier.

  Sensing time was short, Archie crept along the balcony and edged out on to the gangway until he was directly above the evil mastermind’s chair. Scanning the scene below, he noticed a badge painted on the glossy white floor immediately in front of the door. The logo was identical to the one on the roof – a black circle bisected by a golden flash with the same red lettering along its length. The logo was about four metres in diameter and as he studied it Archie thought he could see shimmering blue light through a zigzag crack along the edge of the lightning.

  ‘As you see,’ Villenemi continued proudly, ‘my designer soldiers will be invincible. I will be able to name my price for my army and everyone in the British government who dismissed me as a crazy fantasist will rue the day they vilified me. Now I’m getting impatient. Claws, would you kindly take Mr Hunt’s place in cylinder number two, please. Oh, and before you wire yourself up, do me a favour and kill him.’

  ‘Not so fast, Lizard Features!’ yelled Archie, who had climbed over the railing and was balancing on the edge of the bridge.

  Yuri Villenemi spun round in his leather armchair and scanned the metal gantry above his head, his human eye blinking against the bright lights while the reptilian orb panned about wildly.

  ‘Who’s there?’ he demanded, his fat forked tongue darting out of his mouth.

  As Archie looked down on the scene below him he suddenly felt strangely woozy. You’re not that high up, he told himself. Stay calm. But instantly he felt his vision getting blurry and his grip on the railing loosened. In the next instant Archie’s feet slipped on the edge of the gangway and he toppled from the bridge.

  Archie hit the ground hard and sprawled across the floor. Villenemi was still growing accustomed to the glare when he heard the thud on the marble surface behind him. By the time he had swivelled his chair back round Archie was standing up, shaking his head to regain his composure.

  ‘I knew it!’ Barney whispered. ‘I can’t believe you all fell for the classic decoy manoeuvre. It’s the oldest trick in the book.’

  Archie tried to appear confident as he studied the evil mastermind up close for the first time. The scales over half of Villenemi’s head comprised a myriad of tiny lumps, giving it a uniformly rough texture, while his shock of grey hair was bisected by a purple streak. One cheek was smooth and plump but the reptilian skin over the other side of his face hung loose, gathering about his neck in folds and hanging under his chin in a pouch.

  But Archie couldn’t move his gaze from the single bulbous eyeball protruding from Villenemi’s temple. The size and shape of an onion, it was wrapped in mottled skin that was puckered into circular wrinkles around a twopenny-sized hole, through which an unblinking eye peered hatefully at Archie.

  ‘Allow me to introduce myself,’ said Archie with a grim smile. ‘The name’s Hunt. Archie Hunt.’

  Villenemi started to laugh but then stopped himself, looking with disbelief towards the hooded figure. ‘If you are Archie Hunt, then who on earth is that?’ he snarled, his scales turning from cool green to livid scarlet to an almost luminous aquamarine.

  ‘Now, now, Doctor Doomed,’ smiled Archie. ‘Don’t get too hot under the collar. You’ve just been chatting to an old friend. I believe you know him as Finn?’

  ‘Seize him, Claws!’ Villenemi commanded, his voice trembling with rage.

  The crabman paused for a moment, unsure whether he was supposed to grab Finn or Archie. Deciding Archie was the greater threat, he began shuffling rapidly sideways towards his target.

  ‘Hold it right there,’ Archie ordered.

  Claws stopped and twisted to see that Archie had slipped one hand inside the pouch of his sweatshirt. The pocket was stretched around a long straight object that Archie was pointing in his direction.

  ‘That’s right,’ said Archie. ‘I’ve got a gun and I’m not afraid to use it. So why don’t you go over there and stand against the wall, nice and slow, with your pincers in the air.’

  The crabman sidled back across the room, stopping every few yards to check his orientation, and positioned himself against the wall where he fixed Archie with a furious scowl.

  Archie turned and pointed his weapon at Villenemi.

  ‘You as well, Doctor No-body.’ Archie jerked his hand sideways in his pocket. ‘Your friend seems a bit crabby – perhaps you’d like to go and cheer him up. You know, bring him out of his shell?’

  Muttering words of defiance, Yuri Villenemi stood up and stepped out from behind his control deck.

  ‘And you, Antony,’ Archie ordered. ‘In case you haven’t twigged, this is a stick-up.’

  Giving Barney an angry glare, Antony stepped reluctantly backwards, joining the other two villains against the wall.

  ‘Barney, come and stand over here,’ Archie instructed, leaping into the evil scientist’s vacant chair and scanning the array of levers, knobs and flashing lights. His initial reaction was one of utter confusion but then he noticed that most of the major controls had been helpfully labelled. He began flicking switches and operating levers with one hand – the other remained in his pocket, training his weapon on his enemies.

  ‘You don’t honestly expect me to believe you would shoot me?’ Villenemi sneered. ‘You’re just a kid.’

  ‘Just try me,’ Archie replied, giving him a steely stare. ‘There’s no telling what I’ll do to you. You killed my mother in cold blood.’

  ‘But Master Hunt,’ Villenemi pleaded, ‘I am part reptile – everything I do is in cold blood.’

  Sliding three switches, Archie raised the three glass cylinders imprisoning his father and the two boys. Operating another slider brought a cylinder down around Finn with a pneumatic hiss.

  Barney rushed over to free the three prisoners from the straps securing them to the machinery. Richard Hunt and the two boys gathered into a trance-like huddle, their limbs trembling as if weakened by their spell inside the giant test tubes. Archie fought the almost overwhelming urge to run over and hug his father who seemed to still be in a deep stupor, obliviou
s to his surroundings. Instead he remained at his station, the keyboard on the console in front of him clicking feverishly beneath his fingertips.

  ‘I will not be defeated by a bunch of … kids,’ railed Villenemi furiously.

  ‘If it’s any consolation, we’re not just any old kids,’ Archie smiled. ‘We’re STINKBOMB – a team of undercover MI6 agents.’

  ‘Why STINKBOMB?’ Villenemi asked. ‘Just out of curiosity, I mean.’

  Archie looked up from the control deck momentarily. ‘Simple. We’re a secret team of intrepid-natured kids battling odious masterminds, basically.’

  ‘Ooh, that’s good,’ Villenemi purred in spite of himself.

  ‘Yeah,’ Barney piped up. ‘You won’t see us coming and we’ll get right up your nose.’

  Archie selected ‘Initiate Transmutation’ and was immediately prompted to choose the number of specimens and their capsule identifiers. He requested a two-sample process then, glancing up from the computer to see that Finn was inside cylinder number four, he selected capsule numbers four and two.

  Briefly the instruction ‘Select desired gene identifiers’ flashed before Archie’s eyes, then the screen was a sea of letters and numbers arranged in countless rows.

  Archie had no idea what the gene codes meant and he could feel his plan crumbling around him. Glancing over the control console he saw Villenemi watching him closely, the human half of his mouth curled into an evil smirk – the other side turned down in permanent froglike displeasure. Archie peered at the screen and scrolled through the rows of digits, desperately hoping to see something that made sense to him.

  ‘Poor Master Hunt,’ said Villenemi, his voice mockingly sympathetic. ‘He looks confused.’

  ‘I am,’ agreed Archie. ‘I can’t decide. Should I shoot you now … or later?’

  Just when Archie was about to despair of making any sense of the information on the screen he reached the last line of text. ‘Allow Natural Genetic Realignment.’

  ‘Bingo!’ He selected this option and turned the oversized master control dial all the way round to the setting labelled: