S.T.I.N.K.B.O.M.B.

by Rob Stevens

  REVERSE TRANSMUTATION – CAUTION:

  MAY CAUSE SELF-DESTRUCTION

  Archie dialled in the maximum period of one minute on the ‘Initiation Delay Control’ and pressed the big green ‘Start’ button. Immediately a synthesised female voice echoed round the room. ‘Reverse transmutation will commence in – sixty seconds.’

  ‘Oh man, the classic countdown finale,’ Barney observed approvingly. ‘Wicked!’

  ‘You’re crazy,’ shrieked Villenemi, his air of supreme cool deserting him once again. ‘The machinery has never been tested on a total reverse transmutation. The strain of realigning every genetic code will overload the mainframe and send the power core into meltdown. An energy release of that magnitude could blow up the whole mountain.’

  ‘Great,’ Archie smiled. ‘I’ve always loved fireworks.’ Then, holding his lab sample over the edge of the control deck, he said, ‘Barney, put this in cylinder number two. Quickly.’

  As Archie reached over the control deck to pass the test tube to Barney he turned away from his three hostages for a moment.

  ‘Antony! Do something!’ shrieked Villenemi.

  Before Archie and Barney even had a chance to react, the stickman had covered the ground between them with long jerky strides and gripped Barney tightly by the throat.

  ‘Drop your weapon,’ Antony ordered. ‘Or I’ll snip your friend’s head off like a dead rose.’

  Instantly Villenemi’s expression of infuriation eased into one of utter superiority. ‘Oh well done, Antony,’ he chuckled, his saggy cheek blooming with a purple hue. ‘Well, well, well, this certainly puts a whole new complexion on proceedings now, doesn’t it?’

  ‘If anyone here is in need of a new complexion it’s you,’ said Archie, slipping the test tube back into his pocket. But as the stickman dragged Barney backwards towards the far wall he knew his options had narrowed substantially.

  He couldn’t bear to look at the victorious grin that curled half of Villenemi’s mouth. His bulbous scaly orb swivelled jerkily while his human eye glinted with glee. The sight of the slug-like tongue darting out of his mouth as if savouring the whiff of victory turned Archie’s stomach. Archie glanced at his father, who gave him a look that told him not to try anything stupid. But it was the expression of cold, wild terror in Barney’s eyes that made his decision for him.

  Slowly Archie raised both hands. Gripping something straight, black and shiny between his right thumb and forefinger he held it high above his head so that everyone could see the weapon with which he’d been controlling the room.

  Villenemi’s shoulders began to shake, then he threw his head back and emitted a deep patronising laugh, one side of his mouth opening wide in triumphant glee, the other retaining its glum downward curve. ‘Is that – forgive me – is that … a Mars bar?’ he spluttered.

  ‘Enjoy it while you can, Doctor Whoever,’ growled Archie. ‘You’ll be laughing on the other side of your face in a minute.’

  ‘Oh really? Villenemi whimpered, wiping a tear from his human eye. ‘Don’t tell me you’ve got a secret weapon? Some jelly-gnite babies perhaps? Or maybe you plan to shoot us all with a wine gun?’

  Again Villenemi’s squat body convulsed with laughter that came in waves, each one reaching a higher peak than the last. This maniacal behaviour went on so long that Archie was beginning to wonder if some genetic malfunction had actually caused the odious mastermind to get stuck in a never-ending laughter loop. Even Claws and Antony, who had initially joined in with the hilarity, soon tired of the performance, exchanging weary shrugs as their mirth subsided. Then the computerised female voice brought Villenemi’s amusement to an abrupt halt.

  ‘Reverse transmutation will commence in – thirty seconds.’

  ‘You made this far too easy for me, Master Hunt,’ smirked Villenemi. ‘It’s like taking sweets from a child. Now drop the Mars bar and step away from the console. And do try not to cry about it. Nobody likes a sore loser.’

  Archie gave Barney an apologetic shrug then, with a flick of his wrist, he threw the chocolate bar to the floor.

  Antony reacted instantly. Unable to resist the lure of the chocolate treat he darted forward, pulling Barney with him, and snapped up the bar. In no time he had torn open the wrapper and, in two hungry bites, devoured the snack.

  ‘You’ll have to excuse Antony,’ Villenemi chuckled. ‘He’s a sucker for a Mars bar.’

  ‘I expect he gets antsy if he doesn’t get his chocolate fix,’ Archie shrugged. ‘Except … that’s not an ordinary Mars bar. It’s a Toxic Chocolate Stinkbomb.’

  ‘A what?’ Villenemi sneered.

  ‘A Toxic Chocolate Stinkbomb,’ Archie repeated slowly as though explaining it to a small child. ‘It’s laced with a powerful insecticide, so any second now …’

  Archie was interrupted by a horrible choking sound. Antony had released Barney and was staggering from side to side clutching his throat. As the stickman dropped to his knees his frogspawn eyes were swollen and bloodshot and his mandibles thrashed angrily. Then he slumped backwards, sitting on his heels, his arms dropped to his sides and his lifeless mouth fell open.

  ‘Well, that’s one less irritant to worry about,’ Archie said dryly.

  ‘Good riddance,’ said Barney, rubbing his throat. ‘He was becoming a real pain the neck.’

  ‘Bravo, Master Hunt.’ Villenemi clapped slowly. ‘A poisoned sweet – how very … sweet. What have you got for me – some toffee bomb-bombs?’

  Archie smiled confidently, although he wasn’t sure how the next part of his plan would go. ‘As I said, that was a Toxic Chocolate Stinkbomb,’ he said suavely. ‘You have seen the lethal effect of the toxic part – and any second now you will feel the effect of the stinkbomb aspect.’

  ‘What are you wittering on about?’

  ‘As well as being laced with insecticide, that Mars bar contained a powerful canine pheromone that would have been released into this room when Antony bit into it.’

  ‘So what?’ Villenemi snorted. ‘Who’s afraid of a doggy smell?’

  ‘It’s funny you should say that,’ said Archie, hoping he’d remembered his biology lesson correctly. ‘Because wolves, foxes and coyotes are all canines and natural predators of lizards, who smell danger coming using their tongues. Last I heard you were half reptile, so the answer to your question “Who’s afraid of a doggy smell?” is you.’

  ‘That’s ridiculous,’ Villenemi said. ‘I’ve never heard anything so preposterous in all my life.’

  ‘Is it?’ Archie held the evil maniac’s stare, waiting anxiously for the pheromone to take effect.

  Suddenly Villenemi gasped as if he’d just seen a ghost. His tongue flickered in and out feverishly and his head snapped from side to side, as if searching for impending danger.

  ‘What’s the matter, Doctor Crank-enstein? Is something dogging you?’

  Without replying Villenemi turned and ran for the exit. When he reached the closed door a computerised voice announced, ‘State name and identifier code.’ Villenemi was panting so hard he could barely speak and had to take a few long breaths to gather himself, glancing nervously over his shoulder with a hunted look in his lizard eye.

  The evil villain was right where Archie wanted him – standing on the logo on the floor in front of the door. One panel of the control deck was labelled Ejection Module, consisting of a lever, a button and a small monitor that was displaying a blue screen. Archie pulled the lever, labelled Snare, and a glass cylinder descended over the evil professor in a flash, confining him to the spot with a ‘shuck’.

  Villenemi pressed his hands desperately against the glass and looked down at his feet. He turned to look at Archie, his human eye pleading for mercy.

  ‘Please,’ he whimpered through the perforated glass. ‘I can’t swim.’

  ‘I wouldn’t worry about that.’ Archie held his gaze. ‘I shouldn’t think you’ll survive long enough to drown.’

  ‘I’m a wealthy man,’ Villenemi said frantic
ally. ‘I’ll pay you whatever you want. Just name your price.’

  ‘You murdered my mother, you evil freak.’ Archie swallowed back his emotions. ‘I’d say it’s high time I paid you back.’

  He pressed the button labelled Jettison and a sawtooth crack opened up along the lightning bolt beneath the villain’s feet. Within a second the two halves of the logo had slid out of sight and Villenemi dropped through the round hole in the floor. He entered the water beneath with a satisfying ‘ploosh’.

  On the screen Archie saw an underwater shot of Villenemi plunging into the pool, leaving a trail of white bubbles like a depth charge. Before he could even kick to the surface a sleek silhouette of a shark intercepted the figure like a missile. Immediately the water turned frothy white before blooming crimson.

  When Archie had first noticed the logo on the floor he’d suspected the design was camouflaging a trapdoor – as it had done on the roof. Connecting that with the shadow he’d seen behind the lab wall, he had concluded that Barney had been right all along – Villenemi’s lair really was equipped with a trapdoor over a tank full of shark-infested water.

  ‘You really dropped him in it,’ said Barney.

  Archie nodded, his face suddenly pale. As he switched off the screen he thought about how different his life would have been if that one crazy individual had not crossed his mother’s path, and a wave of sadness swallowed him up.

  ‘Reverse transmutation will take place in – ten seconds.’

  The computerised countdown yanked Archie away from his thoughts. He looked anxiously over at his dad and the others, who finally seemed to be growing aware of their surroundings.

  ‘Listen, Dad,’ he called. ‘Take Barney and the boys up to the gantry. There’s an escape hatch there that should lead out on to the roof where Gemma is waiting – she’s with us. Get everyone in the helicopter – I’ll use the Dragonfly.’

  Archie’s father shook off his torpor and appraised the situation with a glance.

  ‘I’m not leaving without you,’ he argued, his voice croaky.

  ‘I just have to finish something here,’ Archie insisted. ‘I’ll be right behind you – I promise.’

  Richard held Archie’s stare for a moment then gave him a single nod.

  ‘OK, kiddo,’ he said with a wink. ‘You’re the boss.’

  Richard Hunt herded Henry Ulrik and Karl Schumaker up the flight of metal stairs to the gantry. Barney paused for a moment, considering how he was going to get past Claws, who appeared stunned by Villenemi’s sudden demise but was awkwardly positioned between Barney and the staircase.

  As if suddenly remembering his evil purpose, Claws scrambled sideways towards Barney, his pincers snapping threateningly.

  ‘This way, Barney!’ Archie’s father urged from the balcony. ‘Run for it.’

  Barney hesitated for a moment, mesmerised by the creature scuttling towards him, claws spread wide.

  ‘Come on, Barney,’ Archie called. ‘You can do it.’

  Barney cowered against the wall and shook his head. ‘I can’t. He’ll get me.’

  Archie was so engrossed in Barney’s plight that he didn’t notice the sound of approaching footsteps accelerating to a frantic pace. Then through the corner of his eye he saw his father flash across the operations platform.

  Richard Hunt pelted towards Claws, dropping his shoulder at the last moment and charging him into the wall next to Barney. The crabman slammed face first into the solid surface and fell flat on to his back, writhing around like a stranded turtle.

  ‘Nice work, Mr Hunt,’ Barney mumbled, stepping over the figure flailing at his feet.

  ‘You can thank me later.’ Richard Hunt grabbed Barney’s wrist and dragged him towards the metal staircase.

  As Archie watched them climb the steps a sudden realisation filled him with hopelessness and he slumped back in the chair.

  ‘Archie!’ Barney called from the gantry. ‘What are you waiting for?’

  ‘The reverse transmutation,’ Archie said wearily. ‘I’m too late.’

  ‘Rubbish,’ Barney said encouragingly. ‘You’ve got plenty of time. Every Evil Genius’s final countdown slows down when it comes to the crunch. The last ten seconds always takes like forever.’

  ‘But …’

  ‘Reverse transmutation will take place in – five seconds.’

  ‘See,’ Barney grinned smugly, then reached up for Archie’s father to pull him through the manhole and on to the roof.

  Relieved he still had a chance, Archie ran over to cylinder number two. Delving into his pocket, he grabbed the test tube and placed it on the base of the cylinder. He removed the airtight stopper and attached a couple of electrodes to the spongy pink mass inside. Hurrying back across the operations platform, he jumped up into the seat behind the control deck.

  ‘Reverse transmutation will take place in – three seconds.’

  Maybe Barney had been right? The countdown definitely seemed to be slowing down.

  All he had to do now to set up the process was drop cylinder two over the sample. As he reached for the lever to do so he felt an incredible pain in his wrist.

  The crabman’s pincer was clamped round Archie’s arm and squeezing so tightly that he felt as if his hand might get snipped off. Screaming in agony, Archie swung his free arm across his body, driving his fist into Claws’s nose. The mutant staggered back, releasing Archie’s hand from his clamp.

  Archie turned back to the control deck but as he leaned forward for the cylinder control lever he was yanked back by his hood. Standing up, he swung round and delivered an instinctive karate chop to his opponent’s arm, snapping it off just below the elbow.

  The bewildered crabman glanced at his stump but before he even had time to look back at the boy who was responsible, a size seven trainer smashed into the side of his head, knocking him out cold.

  At that moment he heard Gemma’s voice in his earpiece. ‘What’s happening, Yankee?’

  ‘Just disarming a bad guy,’ Archie murmured with an air of resignation.

  ‘Reverse transmutation will take place in – one second.’

  Ignoring the severed pincer still clamped to his hood, Archie frantically grabbed the cylinder control lever and slid it down the panel. With a pneumatic hiss the glass tube glided down over the sample and sealed itself with a loud suck.

  ‘Reverse transmutation commencing.’

  Accompanied by a growing hum from deep beneath the floor, the cylinders housing Finn and the sample of pink jelly filled with smoke and glowed bright orange.

  Archie waited and crossed his fingers.

  The hum deepened to a rumble and the whole building started to vibrate.

  The walls of instrument panels were awash with red lights of assorted sizes and brightness, flashing frantically as a klaxon sounded its deafening warning.

  ‘Danger, danger – system overload – meltdown imminent,’ the computerised voice announced, with a disconcerting lack of urgency.

  Soon the magnitude of the building’s vibrations had increased to such an extent that Archie was forced to cling to the control deck to avoid being thrown from his chair.

  A shrill grinding sound overhead was followed by a long squeal – like a door opening in a haunted house. Glancing up, Archie saw that one end of the sliding gangway had unhinged itself. Instinctively he ducked down and covered his head with his arms just as the heavy structure crashed to the floor. The bridge came to rest at an angle, stretching diagonally from the floor to the gantry above – miraculously missing his head by millimetres.

  ‘Evacuate, evacuate – total destruction guaranteed.’

  Archie ignored the computerised warning and intently watched cylinder number two. The violent motion of the building threw him roughly from side to side and the klaxon was now accompanied by a whole orchestra of different bells and sirens as more and more destruction warnings were set off.

  Metal panels and sections of pipe began to rain down from the ceiling on to the gloss
y white floor. Glass dials exploded and cables snapped, spraying the equipment with sparks as the Transmutator threatened to shake itself to pieces.

  ‘Stay calm,’ Archie muttered to himself. ‘Nothing serious – just a few peripheral items.’

  Suddenly an almighty cracking sound echoed round the room. Archie spun his seat round to see a fracture about ten centimetres wide tearing through the floor as it snaked from one side of the room to the other. With a sickening jolt one end of the building dropped about a metre, leaving the floor sloping down precariously towards the enormous tinted windows.

  ‘Yankee, this is X-ray.’ Gemma’s voice was shrill in Archie’s headset. ‘You have to get out of there now. The whole building’s about to collapse.’

  ‘In a minute,’ Archie replied calmly. ‘I just need to see if I’m right about something.’

  ‘Get out now!’ Gemma yelled. ‘That’s an order.’

  The next voice Archie heard made him stop in his tracks.

  ‘Archie, it’s Dad. I’m coming to get you.’

  ‘Just a few more seconds, Dad. I promise – just trust me!’

  ‘If anything happens to you, my boy, there’ll be no pocket money for a month.’

  Archie smiled to himself. ‘OK, Dad. I’ll see you in a minute.’

  Archie watched the cylinders glowing a deeper and deeper crimson. The floor jolted again. The split in the floor had crept halfway up the walls. If it spreads to the roof, the whole arm of this building is going to slip into the ocean, Archie thought.

  He watched the cracks growing up the walls like poisoned ivy. He knew it was unlikely that he would escape unless he evacuated immediately, but he would not leave until he had done all he could for Finn. Without him, Archie’s father would still be strapped into his Audi at the bottom of the sea.

  The computerised voice said something.

  Archie wasn’t sure if he’d heard it right.

  He replayed the announcement in his head. It had definitely said, ‘Reverse Transmutation complete.’

  By sliding the appropriate levers up the control deck Archie raised cylinders two and four then jumped down from his chair. As the floor rocked beneath him he battled his way towards cylinder number two, staggering from side to side. He waited for the thick column of smoke to clear, and as he waved it away he saw at last that by risking his own neck and initiating the disaster-inducing reverse transmutation he had saved the life of … a fish?