If Wishes Were...Daddies

by Jo Leigh

  BY THE TIME HE’D DROPPED off his family and made it back to Jessica’s apartment, it was after one. He almost knocked, then remembered the key she’d given him three days before. When he got inside, it was dark, except for a light coming from her room. He hurried toward her, anxious to touch her again, to make love. It had been impossible to think of anything else since the salad course.

  He went into her room, and there she was. Lying in bed, sound asleep. He thought about waking her, but he couldn’t. She needed her rest. But God, how beautiful she was. How he wanted her.

  Instead, he left her there and went back into the living room. He flipped on the light and started to undress. The question now was should he shower or just go to sleep? He walked over to the kitchen table and put his shirt on the back of a chair. Then he just stood there, listening.

  It was very quiet. He heard the hum of the refrigerator, but that was all. It wasn’t a sound he was looking for after all, he realized. It was the peace. The feeling of being home.

  He turned off the light and went back to the bedroom. Staring at the dark form under the covers, he shed his pants, shoes and socks. Then he lifted up the comforter and crawled in next to Jessica, taking great pains not to wake her.

  She shifted once, and he froze, keeping himself still until he was sure she was still asleep. Then he moved close to her, cupping his body against her so that he felt her from his chest to his toes. He slipped his arm around her waist, and rested his cheek on her hair.

  Breathing deeply, he wallowed in her scent. She smelled of flowers and powder, and it was perhaps the nicest scent in the whole world. Her heat flowed from her body to his, and he sighed.

  For once in his life, he was where he belonged. Holding her like this, he finally understood that instead of a trick of fate, Jessica’s pregnancy was a gift from a guardian angel.

  He still didn’t know if he could be the kind of husband she deserved, but he knew he was going to try. He didn’t understand this incredible need to protect her. To keep their child safe. But it overwhelmed him, blocking out everything except...

  It hit him, and it hit him hard. He loved her. He loved Jessica. The earth didn’t shake, the heavens didn’t roar. Nothing changed, except that he let go of all the nonsense he’d been clinging to for so long. He wasn’t being trapped. Far from it. He was being rescued. This is where he wanted to be. Lying next to this woman. Feeling her soft skin, breathing her scent, basking in her warmth.

  Someone was watching out for him. He felt sure of it. On his own, he wouldn’t have had the courage to marry Jessica. But now that he was here, that it was all coming to pass, he was grateful.

  He closed his eyes, feeling more relaxed than he ever had in his life. He’d tell her, in the morning. First thing.

  Chapter Fifteen

  Her side of the bed was empty. Nick realized it before he even opened his eyes. When he did, he found her note on the pillow. She’d gone to the beauty shop, and he wouldn’t see her again until she walked down the aisle. She’d signed the note with just her name. Not “Love, Jessica.” Just “Jessica.”

  He looked over at her clock. It was almost ten; he’d overslept. Launching himself out of bed, he hurriedly put on his pants, socks and shoes, then went to the kitchen to retrieve his shirt.

  Grabbing it quickly, he knocked a yellow pad from the chair seat. He bent down, glancing at the words on the page. Another one of Jessica’s lists. But this one made him pause. This one was about him.

  He probably shouldn’t read it. It was personal, private, but he couldn’t help it. Not with a heading like Marrying Nick.

  He felt quite heartened at the fact that the page had only pros. First on the list was that he would be a good father. She went on to list his family, security, wealth, health, even the fact that he had accepted her gay friends without batting an eye. Funny that she would think about that. When he reached the bottom of the page, he realized it wasn’t complete. He turned to page two, and there he saw what he’d dreaded. The cons.

  Nick looked away. Perhaps he would be better off not knowing what she didn’t like about him. But how could he change if he didn’t read them? No, he should put it down right now and get out of here. He had to get to the hotel, shower, dress and make sure his family and friends all made it to the church by one.

  His gaze moved to the page. Just a quick look, and he’d leave.

  The first thing he saw made him regret his decision. Jessica had written down that even though marrying Nick was the right decision for the baby, she wasn’t sure it was the right decision for her.

  Second on the list was his job. He’d be away so much, that she would have almost no help from him on a daily basis. Number three was that she would never be sure he wasn’t meeting some other woman on his travels.

  His face heated as he realized all his private fears hadn’t been so private, after all. He should have known that Jessica was bright enough to figure out his dilemmas and make them her own. He couldn’t blame her. He had debated seeing other women while he was on the road. How was she to know that he’d abandoned the idea?

  He hadn’t even known it until last night. But it was true. He knew it so deeply, there was no argument, no loopholes.

  He had to sit down. Pulling the chair out, he managed it, but unsteadily, like a drunk. Not because of her list. But because he realized that his decision to honor their vows was not out of duty or honor, but out of love.

  Not the kind of love he was used to. This was a whole new experience for him. His need to protect her wasn’t just for the baby’s sake. The baby didn’t have much to do with this feeling. It was a nice bonus, but if something happened tomorrow, if they found out she hadn’t been pregnant after all, he’d still be glad they were married.

  Steadying himself, he looked back at the list. It wasn’t much better. He made decisions without consulting her. He rarely touched her, unless they were making love. He never asked her about her work, or what she planned to do about it after the wedding. He didn’t love her.

  That one got him. He sat down and flipped back to the first page. Every one of her reasons for marrying him had to do with the child—not him. Not them.

  It was entirely his fault. But he could fix that. He would fix that. He’d tell Jessica how much he loved her. That she could trust him. That he wanted this marriage with all his heart.

  As he rose, he buttoned his shirt, then fished his keys from his pocket. He was determined to make this a wonderful day for his bride.

  THE STYLIST WAS PUTTING the final touches on Jessica’s hair, the makeup artist was waiting for her turn, while the manicurist applied the last coat of quick-dry on her nails. She was being pampered and cooed over by everyone in the shop.

  In the station to her right sat her future mother-in-law. To her left, Theresa. Two other Italian relatives were across the way. Everyone was drinking mimosa cocktails.

  It should have been the most exciting morning of her life. Yet all she could think about was the fact that she was walking into a world of heartache. She hadn’t changed her mind. She wouldn’t. This was for her baby, and there was no sacrifice too great where her child was concerned. She just wished with all her heart that she didn’t love Nick. Then this whole thing would be so much easier. More like a business arrangement than a real marriage. It was loving him that doomed her, and she knew it.

  “Jessica? Are you all right?”

  She turned to Angelina and smiled. Determined not to let her misgivings spoil the day for anyone, she nodded. “Just a little overwhelmed, I think.”

  “Of course. But don’t forget to enjoy yourself, darling. This is your special day. Except for the birth of my children, my happiest memory is my wedding day. How excited I was! How nervous. I’d only known Nick’s father for a short time, you know.”

  “I didn’t. I’d like to hear about it.”

  Angelina smiled and closed her eyes. The stylist took out the last of her curlers, and began brushing her hair. After a quick sip of he
r orange-juice-and-champagne cocktail, Angelina sighed. “I met him at the Trevi,” she said. “You visited the fountain?”

  “Yes,” Jessica said, remembering that morning, and her wish. It certainly hadn’t come true. She was indeed a fool for love. And she supposed she always would be.

  “I was nineteen. Young and full of dreams. He was a student, and in a terrible hurry, carrying an armload of books across the piazza. He ran into me, boom, and all the books flew out all around. His papers started to fly into the air, and we rushed to catch them before they were lost or fell into the water. We got almost all of them, but three hit the fountain. Marcello didn’t hesitate a moment. He went into the water in his shoes and his pants, to get his papers. I thought to myself, what a foolish young man. Surely a few papers didn’t matter so much. But when he came back to apologize to me, he explained that the papers weren’t his. They belonged to a friend. He could do nothing less than go after them, even if it meant ruining his one good pair of shoes.”

  Jessica could picture it easily. Angelina must have been gorgeous at nineteen. Marcello never stood a chance. He was probably smitten from that moment on.

  “He was so handsome. Like Nicolo. A beautiful boy. And, I confess, I was quite pretty back then, myself.”

  “You still are,” Jessica said.

  “Bless you, darling. But when I was a girl... Anyway, he asked me if I would go with him to a dance that evening. I said yes. I think it was while we danced under the stars that we fell in love. It was only a matter of telling my parents, and his, and waiting for the church that stopped us from marrying that very night.”

  “Oh, how romantic,” Jessica said. “It sounds wonderful.”

  “It was. Even though we were poor back men, we were happy. We had our moments, don’t mistake that. He had a passion for his business that sometimes made me feel lonely, but for the most part, we were so good together. And how he loved his children!” Angelina looked at Jessica. “Nicolo will be like that, you know. A wonderful father.”

  “I know,” Jessica said. “There’s never been a question in my mind.”

  “He’ll be a good husband, too, darling. Trust me. He’s like his papa. They have their flings from time to time, but that’s men, eh? Marcello always came back to me, and Nick will always come back to you.”

  Jessica didn’t know what to say. Her mother-in-law was telling her that her husband would have affairs, but that it didn’t matter. That her own husband had betrayed her, and she didn’t care. Maybe it was because Angelina was European. Maybe in Italy, infidelity was no big deal. But Jessica was from Los Angeles, and for her, it was a very major deal.

  It was up to her, of course, to change. To shift her attitude so that when it happened to her, she’d be more like Angelina. If she was going to survive it, she’d have to change. Nick wasn’t going to. Why should he? He’d be away so much, and in his culture it wasn’t frowned upon.

  She looked at Angelina again and realized she’d said something else about her husband. Jessica scrambled for something to say that wouldn’t expose her feelings. “How long has he been gone?” she asked, hoping her voice didn’t sound as shaky as she felt.

  “Three years in July,” Angelina said. “And I miss him every day.”

  “I’m sorry.”

  “Don’t be. I’m not. We had the best life imaginable. No regrets.”

  Jessica sipped her orange juice. Would she be able to look back at her marriage to Nick with no regrets? She doubted it. She thought about yesterday’s conversation with her mother. Mona had called to say she couldn’t make it to the wedding. That she had other plans. Although it was expected, it had still hit Jessica like a physical blow. No matter how much she tried to convince herself that she didn’t want or need her mother’s love, it was no good. Every rejection was like the first. Every disappointment put another arrow in her heart.

  Now, here she was, getting married to a man who didn’t love her. Asking for the same grief. For the same heartache. At least she understood the way it worked. There would be no surprises. And she’d have the baby.

  NICK ARRIVED EARLY. He wanted to catch Jessica as soon as he could, but she wasn’t at the church yet. Jeff, Alan and Stan were there, though, supervising the placement of the flowers. Nick hoped none of the guests had hay fever—there were enough blooms here for an English country garden. But it was beautiful, and he wanted that for Jessica.

  His cousin Carlo should be arriving soon. Nick couldn’t wait to see him. He hadn’t been able to make it to the rehearsal, but they’d spoken on the phone last night. As his best man, Carlo needed the rings, and also to go over the last-minute details. More than that, Nick wanted to talk. Carlo was the closest thing he had to an older brother, and he’d been married for more than three years.

  “Nervous?”

  Nick looked up from his seat in the front pew. Jeff was grinning at him, but Nick detected more behind the question than just polite ribbing. “Yes,” he said. “It’s bigger than I thought.”

  “You were here yesterday.”

  “But it wasn’t real yesterday.”

  “Right,” Jeff said, putting the arrangement of pink roses on the end of the pew. “It’s all come together, though. I didn’t think we could pull it off, but we did.”

  “Yes, and I thank you for that. You’ve done more than I could have ever hoped for.” Nick leaned back, trying to get his chest to relax. “You really care about her, don’t you?”

  “Jess?” Jeff’s grin grew wide. “She’s my girl. I love her like a sister. Actually, I love her more than my sister, who, for the record, is a cold fish who wouldn’t know a Berber carpet from a sheepdog.”

  Nick smiled at the vivid description. “Have you two talked?”

  “Me and my sister?”

  “No, you and Jessica.”

  “About what?”

  “This,” Nick said, looking up at the dais.

  “Sure.”

  Nick thought about how to ask his question, but no easy words came to him. Instead he just said, “Is she nervous, too?”

  Jeff came over and sat down next to him. “Yeah, she’s nervous. But I know she believes this is the best thing for the baby. She has no real family, you know. Her mother, what a case she is. She’s not coming today, did you know that?”

  “No, I didn’t. Jessica didn’t say.”

  “Mona has tickets to the ballet. Can you stand it? Some people don’t deserve reproductive organs.”

  “Jessica will have a family now,” Nick said, thinking of how much his mother and Theresa liked her.

  “Yeah. Although I hate the idea of losing her to Rome.”

  “You think she’ll come, then?”

  “If she believes it’s the best thing—”

  “For the baby,” Nick said, finishing for him.

  “She’s gonna be one hell of a mom.”

  Nick nodded. He remembered the list he’d read this morning. How Jessica was setting aside her own wishes for the good of the child. She’d clearly done a great deal of thinking, which didn’t surprise him. Jessica was one of the most levelheaded people he’d ever met. But he also knew other things about her. She had difficulty believing in herself. Not in business, and not in friendship, but when it came to love, she was on unsteady ground. He’d discovered that their first night together. How frightened she was of taking risks. Of loving the wrong man. Of baring her soul.

  Knowing this about her, he’d still gone on with his plans. Still talked her into this whirlwind wedding. So many things they hadn’t discussed. How had he not known that her mother wasn’t coming? Why hadn’t Jessica confided in him, instead of Jeff?

  “What’s that about?”

  “Hmm?”

  Jeff shook his head. “That frown.”

  “I was thinking,” Nick said. “For a man about to be married, I don’t know my bride very well.”

  “Hey, you were the one with the stop watch ticking.”

  Nick nodded. He stood abruptly and turne
d to Jeff. “Would you excuse me, please?”

  “Sure.”

  Nick walked down the aisle, picturing all his friends and relatives. who had dropped everything to fly to America. This room would soon be filled with people, but so few of them would be here for Jessica. Everything here was for his convenience, to suit his schedule.

  Would telling Jessica he loved her wipe away all the selfish things he’d done in the last few weeks? Could he ever make it up to her?

  “Ciao, Nicky!”

  Nick looked up to see Carlo standing in the doorway. His cousin grinned at him as if they were still children. Nick felt better immediately. “Carlo, it’s so good to see you!” Nick hurried toward the door and gave him a big hug. “I know it was difficult for you to get here.”

  “It’s just that it isn’t easy for Sophia when I’m gone. The children, you know?”

  “I do,” he said. “Come walk with me, cousin. I’d like to talk.”

  “Of course.”

  Nick led him to the street, and then he began from the beginning.

  “IT’S ALMOST TIME.”

  Jessica smiled at Angelina, then took one last look in the mirror. This was it. Her wedding. She was about to become Mrs. Nick Carlucci. If only...

  But she had promised herself there would be no second thoughts. She’d walked into this with her eyes open. Her child’s future was secured, and it was up to her to make the most of the situation.

  There was every chance that this marriage would turn out better than she could imagine. She knew Nick liked her and, in time, might come to love her. She clung to that thought as she went to pick up her bouquet.

  The loud knock on the door startled her, and she looked from Angelina to Theresa, but they didn’t seem to be expecting anyone, either. The small changing room was private, and the guests should have all been led in to the church.

  The door opened, and Nick stepped inside.

  Theresa gave a startled squeak, then tried to push him out again. “It’s bad luck! You’re not supposed to see her yet.”