“Lift up.” His hands still locked on me nudge his request.
My eyes find his as I comply, and suck in a breath as I feel the head of his dick brush between my thighs. I can’t do this.
“Luna, keep those beautiful eyes on me. Don’t think. I’m going to let go and let you take control.” His hands fall by the wayside and the absence is painful. Cocking my hips more, I feel him push in the right spot, and slowly I settle back. His head barely breeches and pain spikes throughout me. Rising right back off it, I fall forward on his chest, sobs of frustration wrack me. My mind spins as flashes of past experience in my cell take over like a horror film. There is no stopping the crashing train of anguish that the memories unlock. Here I lie, strewn across a naked man that most women would sell a kidney to fuck; a man that makes me feel safe, and more cherished than anyone ever has in my adult life. I can’t manage one adult bodily function that will feel amazing if the shit in my head would just shut up.
Leo’s strong arms wrap around me, holding me together at the seams as they try to fray apart in an attempt to split me in two worthless pieces.
“Shhhhhh, darlin’, ain’t nothin’ a little time and patience won’t fix. There’s no rush. I ain’t goin’ nowhere.”
“Now I see why men run off to those whores. Jesus, I’m sorry I’m so fucking worthless.” How the hell did those women do it? Part of me is kinda jealous. Many of them have been through abuse and can still manage something so simple.
“Woman, you are going to drive me to drinkin’. I’m not even going to justify that with a response when you know if you’d just take a few breaths, and clear that head, how ridiculous that sounds. I know you ain’t still drunk.”
I go to open my mouth in rebuttal but he cuts it off. “I love ya, Luna, ain’t ever felt this way before.” His Texas drawl is heavy with emotion as the admission fights its way out.
“I don’t know why,” I mumble.
“Hush up, I don’t need a reason that makes sense to your nonsensical brain, I’ll love the fuck out of you if I damn well please.” He chuckles and pulls me closer before wrapping us up in the comforter.
The steady rise and fall of his chest against my cheek begins to lull me into a trance as we hold on to each other. Too much excitement in one evening has stolen everything I have. A drugged haze floats in as my body relents, succumbing to the safety he provides. Nothing makes sense anymore, the world has turned upside down and inside out. I whisper something back to him as I give in to the sandman, but I really don’t know what.
Chapter 11
Leo
“You should wake up, I even cooked breakfast.” My fingers chase away a few errant strands of hair from her face. She angrily grumbles something that lifts the hard corners of my mouth. “It’s a new year, a new day, come on darlin’.” I lean on the bed and bounce the mattress a few times.
“Are you always this fucking annoying first thing in the morning?” I grab the pillow before she can pull it over her head, and dive in for a kiss. Pulling away to leave her breathless, her pink lips form the perfect O.
“I save that special for the one’s I love,” I tease her, dragging out the L word, enjoying how wide her eyes go as she remembers last night.
“We were drunk, things might have been said that shouldn’t have,” she grumbles.
“I don’t drink.”
“Maybe you were tired.”
“Nope. Quite the opposite.” My eyes narrow fully on to her.
“Well hell, hope I didn’t say anything stupid because I was definitely not in my right mind.” Her arms cross over the comforter, pushing her huge tits up to her neck.
“What? You didn’t mean it when you said you loved me?” I feign hurt, which earns me the terrified, frantic face I am enjoying as we speak. I know, I’m an asshole.
She trips over her words as she searches my face for some semblance of trickery. “You’re lying.” My eyes become slits at the accusations. “You’re not lying?” Her voice jumps an octave as she pulls the white sheet up higher, the comforter tightly restrained under my itching fingers.
“I’m as serious as that naked ass under this blanket.” I lean forward even more, forcing her to press herself back into the bed. She was half asleep when she mumbled it but there was no mistaking.
Her limitless grey eyes speak volumes as I do everything within my power to control myself. Shifting my weight to fall to her side, I get closer while taking care not to make her feel trapped.
Lord have mercy, I want to fuck the shit out of this woman.
“I suppose there might be some truth to that whole having feelings for you,” she stutters, and I feel the fear echoing in the background of those words.
Quickly kissing her on the lips, I pull away, and slowly get up, giving her the space she’s clearly needing. “Darlin’, you have a whole lotta feeling for me.” I wink at her and pad bare feet down to the kitchen. It is all I can do to keep from popping open that drawer inches from her head, grabbing the cuffs and restraining her.
Fuck, I’m sure she screams pretty when aroused and being pleasured. Hell, I already know she does. My cock kicks against my jeans, reminding just how far we did manage to get last night. Jesus, I was so close to being inside of her, I’ve got major fucking blue balls to remind me lest I try to even forget. Rubbing a few out in the shower this morning did nothing for that deep ache either. Hell, the only thing that will get rid of it is being balls deep in that ripe pussy that tastes sweeter than any peach I’ve ever had.
“Not now ya don’t,” I whisper to my dick trying to bust out of my jeans as I flip off the burner on the oatmeal. I’ve never told a woman that I loved her, well, with the exception of Silver’s wife who was like my mom, but that doesn’t count. I really did love this woman, and her needs always seem to come before my own selfish ones without it being a second thought. It’s been strange as fuck, but that’s been the truth from the moment I found her beaten body squirreled into that hay pile. It doesn’t matter how long it takes before she gets comfortable enough for us to be together the way we want, to own her body like I crave, I’ll do the time. She’s mine.
The sounds of her grunting as she gets out of bed, out of MY bed, gives me a strange sense of… pride. Hell, this is all strange. I’ve never given two shits either about another man dancing up on a woman I may be talking to. But last night? Seeing a rival up on Luna? I about lost my mind right then and there, my eyes saw nothing but red. My switchblade had already somehow found itself into my hand and, if it wasn’t for Luna’s storming eyes hypnotizing me to calm down, I would have shanked that piece of shit right and gutted him there in the bar without thinking twice. Everyone up in that place knew I didn’t give a fuck. Thinking about it is starting to get me mad all over again.
“What, no bacon?” She yawns behind me as she jiggles the coffee carafe out to pour a cup.
Scrapping the last of the eggs onto a plate, I grunt a ‘no’ and continue trying to focus through my raging body’s need. Luna rolls her eyes at me as she clutches the cup for dear life. My eyes can’t help but rake up and down her curvy body in my oversized t-shirt, hanging off her in all the right places. I scold myself and get back to plating up breakfast.
“You drink a lot of coffee.”
“So? It’s the juice of hustlers, baby. Trying to study all those books, and catch up on life.”
This woman is perseverance defined. Nothing in this world is going to keep her from whatever she sets her mind to.
Shaking the grin that seems to always be plastering itself to my damn face when she’s around, it’s back to business. “I have to head out on a run, you’re gonna be by yourself for the day.” She shrugs and draws the steaming cup to her delicious mouth. I can see those plump lips gliding down my shaft as I fuck the back of her throat right now. Jesus, Leo, if you weren’t going to hell already, you sure are now.
“Is that all men think about?” She challenges, her wise eyes eating into my soul, catching me eye-fucking h
er. I always feel so damn naked when she looks at me like that. And ashamed, for what she might see, the real me hiding under the ink.
“Sometimes we think about other things.” I wasn’t capable of actually naming those other things right this second but they are there.
“I find it interesting that such an intelligent, multifaceted individual such as yourself could be so derailed by physical pleasures. And how─” She clears her throat as if something foul tasting came from the cup, “less evolved people allow it steal their humanity.” Her gaze becomes so far away. Well, that is a random thing to say in a moment like this.
My mind roams over that for a few seconds, wanting to tread lightly. This is the first time she’s mentioned anything deep about her experiences beyond surface comments. “Not all humans are humane. That’s a learned behavior, not a God given one.”
Shit, I’ve seen that first hand. Also, how one bad decision can trigger someone to shut their humanity off like a damn switch. There might not be much of a soul left in me, but I do still have a sliver of humanity. Settling back against the counter, the comfortable silence expands between us as she thinks, and I eat. That is one of the many qualities about her that is easy to love, her brilliantly incessant, borderline insane mind.
“At what point does someone tell themselves it’s okay to turn their back on such a fundamental principle?” Her gaze veers out the kitchen window as her mind flits between two realities.
“Some never learn it, some do it by choice as means of survival after going through unspeakable shit… some just can’t cope with life so they take up with the fucked up side.” Many of my brothers in arms flipped the switch at some phase of being in the sandbox and seeing our other brothers lose their lives for nothing.
“Well, their lacking doesn’t seem like a free pass to do worse things.”
“I never said it was a free pass, more like a cause and effect way of lookin’ at it.” The pretty American dream most set their eyes on from birth is a far cry from the reality of societal underbelly that many fall into, a reality most people never truly experience.
“It’s pretty fucked up, ya know?” The pain now reflecting in her eyes is like a dagger in my heart.
It also, in a way, brings on a distant flashback of my own, the night of a particularly gruesome raid. There are some things that stick with you no matter what you do or how much time passes. That widows piercing gaze as her husband bled out in her arms is one of them.
“Yeah, I do.”
“Sometimes I feel so fucking angry, like I want to kill someone or something. How stupid is that? What the hell is that gonna solve? It certainly doesn’t give me back the last two years of my life. Or control over my body.” Her knuckles turn white as she grips the mug tighter.
“Part of me has come to believe that that’s just the body’s way of acting out to a broken part in the head that hasn’t been fixed. Kinda like when you are stressed out and can’t find a way to make yourself eat, ya just don’t feel like it.”
“You mean a symptom?”
“Sure.” Hell, I clearly wasn’t as educated as her, just been around the block a few thousand times.
“It’s interesting that you say that, if I rationally think about it, you are right. It’s all classic PTSD. It’s like I have two minds now. Two ‘me’s’. The rational, sensible person before you, and then this other broken, fucked up bitch who experienced things no one should ever have to, and doesn’t know how to act. Has no control. I read about it a long time ago, the clinical descriptions behind the two forms of self-awareness we have. Now I feel like I glossed over it while in school and had little understanding of the truth it held, because this shit? This shit right here? Ain’t nothing like those fucking books.” She slams her cup on the counter and picks up her plate, hurriedly forking some eggs in.
“Knowin’ somethin’, and then really knowin’ somethin’ are two different things I reckon. Most book learned folks rarely get the difference.”
“Yeah, that’s for damn sure. You know what else is fucked up?”
“What’s that?” Hell, I’d love to know. I want to know all that she’s willing to finally tell me.
“Talking about this with you is a whole helluva a lot harder than being naked in front of you, doing the things we did.” She looks away, her cheeks pinking up making me hungry all over again. “I want to, ya know?”
“Want to what?” I knew damn well what she meant.
“Be able to...” she trails off as she bites her lower lip.
“I hardly take you for the shy type.” Normally this little fireball needs a filter or two.
“I’ll have you know up until two years ago, I was shy. I rarely spoke without good reason.” Her hand comes to rest on her hip as she pointedly stares.
“Life has a way of changin’ people.”
“That it does. I wanted to thank you.”
“For?”
“For last night, for stopping when I couldn’t and not making me feel bad about it.” Her gorgeous eyes drop to the floor in shame. God, someone strike me dead here on the spot.
In two strides, I’m across the kitchen with her wrapped in my arms. Tilting her chin up so that we are nose to nose, she has nowhere to run. “That’s how it should be, no one should ever experience any different. That doesn’t make you less of a woman, hell, it just makes it that much sweeter when it finally happens. And honey, you are more than worth the wait.” Jesus, I sound like a polo wearing twat, quick, someone get me some fucking loafers. But I meant every bit of it. Her all-knowing eyes search mine for any trace of lies, which she isn’t going to find. I learned from day one how good she was at reading all the non-verbal cues of a person, and seeing right to the heart of something, she was as good at it as I was. Human lie detectors.
“I’m still not saying it.” She finally remembers to breathe, her little attitude never far behind.
“Oh, you’ll say it again.”
“You so sure about that?”
“I’d bet my life on it.” I kiss the tip of her nose, and head to get the rest of my stuff.
“You’ll definitely be dead before you hear it from my lips.” The chime in her tone as I head to throw on my boots lifts my heavy heart. It was a bitch leaving her, but I had a job to do, and a VP dead set on making sure I follow through. I sure as hell didn’t want an early grave now that I’ve had a taste of heaven on earth. Or maybe this was a form of hell. I’m not quite sure yet, but I’ll take it.
Grabbing my keys on the way out, she stops me as I reach for the door.
“I got a weird feeling.” She nibbles at her lip again as she searches for the words.
“Okay?”
“Do you have to go? Right this minute?”
She’s doesn’t usually act like she cares whether I come or go. “Yeah, no two ways about it.”
Shaking off whatever had come over her, she opens the door for me. Steel comes racing in like he knew he was on duty. “Be safe.”
“Of course.” Giving her a brief kiss on the brow, I throw her one last questioning look as I head to my truck. I’d take the bike but the ice wasn’t worth the risk. The cold never bothered me much. This fucking drop better go smoother than a jar of Skippy because something is off around here with that woman, and you best believe my ass will be right back here as soon as it can to figure out what the hell it is. A little piece of mind comes knowing how damn good she is with that gun I gave her.
Ω
Shaking off the cold night air, the hair on the back of my neck begins to stand on end as I get out of my pickup. All of the lights are off, even the porch. Pulling up, I had considered for a moment stopping at the top of the drive, then walking up around the back of the house, but didn’t want to risk scaring Luna. Gently closing my door, I softly whistle out for Steel, but he doesn’t come running. My fingers slip into the holster and bring out the trusty piece as my special ops training kicks in full force, my senses on full alert. Light as a feather on foot, I creep up the
path and onto the porch, any sound I might have made along the way was something easily brushed off as the normal settling of a house. Doing a once over, all windows seem intact and a light jiggle on the door handle tells me that it is still locked. Slipping my key into the brass, I slowly open the door and call out for Luna, but she doesn’t respond. My heartbeat picks up a good ten notches as I stifle the panic building inside. Shit didn’t make sense, here in my house or in my own damn body, it’s not like this is my first rodeo.
Movement by the TV catches my attention as a shadow dips back by the arm of the couch. Flipping on the lights, I train my gun at the spot, ready to shoot. As my trigger finger moves to squeeze, the sight of Luna aiming straight for my heart makes me stop.
“Luna, it’s me.” I try to reason, only my girl wasn’t home behind those shock filled eyes.
She begins to shake her head and mumble something to herself, the gun never leaving its perfect aim. Taking a step forward, I start edging my way toward her.
“Stop or I’ll shoot!” she warns with a deadly edge, stopping me in my tracks. I knew all too well how good she was. We’ve been practicing out back. The power she felt from using a weapon sat clear as day on her face as she wielded precision most train long hours for and never quite get. Her body may be trembling in the low light, but that raised arm was deathly still.
“Darlin’, its me, it’s Leo.” I slip my piece back into its holster as I try to reach the person trapped behind whatever shit is possessing her. Despite all the trust we’ve spent months building, we’ve somehow ended up in this predicament. Never thought I’d be staring down the barrel of my own gun in the hands of the only woman I’ve ever loved.
“Don’t make me shoot, I don’t want to shoot, but no one, I SAID NO ONE will ever touch me again, mother fucker.” The putrid hate drips from every syllable she speaks as I realize who she might be seeing instead of me. She cocks the gun, the subtle sound echoing around us in the tension filled moment. My hands fly up in surrender, showing her that they are now empty.
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