Tell Me You Want Me

by Joya Ryan

  Dex closed his eyes for a moment and worked on the door. He’d snapped at Michelle that very thing at her shop several days ago. He’d told her he wasn’t her handyman. Apparently he and his mama thought that was all he was good for.

  He worked on the door faster. He needed to finish this up and leave. His mom loved him; he knew that. But she was a realist, and yeah, he knew a woman like Michelle and a guy like him looked ridiculous together. Especially after what his mother had gone through with his father. A wealthier man slumming it with a local only to knock her up and ditch her. That was his mama’s life. One she’d told him about over and over throughout his entire upbringing. His mother prided herself on being working class. Nothing wrong with that. But she had a judgment for those with white collars, and Michelle clearly wasn’t on her happy list.

  But that wasn’t Michelle’s fault.

  Didn’t mean his mother wasn’t justified in her thoughts, though. Dex knew better himself. How many times would he chase the same kind of skirt and expect different results before he got it? Before it really sank in that women like Michelle weren’t for him?

  “No, Dex is not my handyman,” Michelle said sharply. Almost like she was defending him. “In fact, Dex and I are…”

  His head snapped up, and he met Michelle’s eyes.

  We’re what, princess?

  He waited on whatever word she’d give. It was going to be a heavy word.

  We’re friends? We’re more? We’re…together?

  He was hoping for too much and he knew it, but his chest stilled with the waiting…

  “We’re business acquaintances of sorts,” Michelle finally finished.

  Dex’s ribs felt like they took a hit from a sledgehammer. Which was stupid, because Michelle wasn’t wrong.

  “I see,” his mother said. “Well, I think it’s nice you’re acquaintances.”

  His mother laughed in a fake way she reserved for situations she didn’t like. Dex just needed to get Michelle and himself out of there.

  “All fixed,” he said. He started to head to the truck, but his mother stopped him.

  “Why don’t I take your tools back to the truck?” Michelle offered quickly, and she grabbed the screwdriver from Dex’s hand. “So nice to meet you,” she said to his mama before all but bolting away.

  “You too, dear.”

  Michelle damn near ran back to the truck, hopped in, and shut it.

  “Pretty thing,” his mother said to him. “Thought you’d have learned by now not to get mixed up with her kind.”

  “Her kind?” Dex asked, annoyed.

  “Don’t sass me. I’ve watched you drag your tail around, hung up on these kinds of women your whole life. I see the way you look at her. I just thought you’d seen reason with it by now.” She pulled him in for a hug.

  The words to defend Michelle were on the tip of his tongue, and if Michelle had been there to hear the way his mother was talking about her, he’d have said them. But the other part of him knew that there was a truth to his mother’s warning. Michelle was a wonderful woman. That didn’t make his mother any more wrong that Michelle wasn’t right for him.

  “You’re a smart man. You just need to stop acting stupid,” she said, and he couldn’t deny her words. Wanting Michelle was stupid. There was no long-term gain to be had. No more than a fun night at a time. And he’d just brought her to his mama’s house and had that pointed out to him. They were acquaintances.

  “Call me if you need anything,” he said to his mother and hugged her back.

  “Thank you for the groceries, son.”

  “You’re welcome, Mama.”

  She loved him and he loved her, but her truth stung. Because she was just saying what he knew deep down to be true. There was nowhere to go with Michelle other than down. Their lives were too different.

  He only had a few hours left of training to complete with her, but deep down, he knew that’d never be enough.

  “Sorry about that,” Dex said, climbing into the truck. “My mom can be chatty.”

  Michelle nodded. Yeah, she’d gathered that. It was no secret that his mother didn’t like her and was being polite about it. Michelle was used to being too much or not enough. Her own parents looked at her like a failure with a case of wanderlust. They knew she’d never be more than her family’s money and title. Why should Dex’s mother see her as anything else?

  But what bothered her more was Dex’s expression. Michelle had never thought about Dex being beneath her—at least not in the classist sense—but when his mother had used the term “handyman,” Dex’s eyes had flared.

  Michelle hadn’t realized how much her background or where she came from bothered him, but if she’d needed another sign that they didn’t fit together outside the bedroom, there it was.

  She was stuck in the middle of two shitty perspectives and hated them both. Which was why she liked Dex so much. He let her be, act, behave, and feel however she wanted. Even if she was terrified that it was all pretend.

  Was her entire life now some fantasy? Her business was struggling, and as much as she wanted her success at these survival lessons to show her that she could be independent even if her boutique went bankrupt, that wasn’t true. Not at all. It would crush her.

  Now that she and Dex were so close to the end, she realized that this whole mission to be an independent woman with him had been doomed from the start.

  Their worlds didn’t mesh. Just look at the way he trained people to be independent. How could he ever be with a woman who could barely stand on her own two feet?

  And the way he was with his mom. Was that an indication of what a real relationship would be like with him if Michelle ever opened herself to it?

  “You’re in SAR,” Michelle blurted out.

  “Yeah,” Dex agreed in an obvious tone.

  “You teach people to be independent. To survive.”

  His eyes snapped to hers. “Are you going to give me hell for helping my mother?”

  “Of course not,” Michelle shot out quickly. Because she wasn’t. She thought Dex was wonderful for how he helped his mother. It showed that deep down, he cared and took care of others even when it was hard. Yet his mother relied on him in a way that Michelle would never want. Not in a way that her parents insisted she be dependent on them, but perhaps unhealthy all the same.

  Michelle had experienced her fill of men saying one thing and expecting another. She had to be her own person. Dex had been helping her achieve that goal…until he’d saved the day. Like the first night they were together. She’d literally crawled on her knees to him. He’d never had faith in her ability to survive on her own, which was why he’d walked her in circles. He’d let her struggle until she broke, and then he’d offered a cozy sleeping bag. And she’d caved. Instead of being independent, she’d depended. On him.

  “I just wonder what it is you really want,” Michelle finally said.

  He frowned at her. His grip on the steering wheel tightened. “Depends on the person.”

  Michelle glanced down. That was an honest answer. And all she could wonder now was what kind of person she really was. How did Dex really see her? She’d been fighting to be more, to be her own person. To be adventurous and capable. But did he see that in her? Did he think she was weak?

  Her thoughts were spiraling. Hell, she didn’t know what to call him. Trainer? Friend? Lover? She felt like she’d spent the last eighteen hours in a lust-induced, awesome bubble of fun, and now she had to come back to earth.

  “Your mom clearly loves you a lot.”

  He nodded. “She’s a good woman. You talk to your family much?”

  She laughed, but there was nothing funny. “Only to chat about what I should be doing.”

  “They have an opinion on your lifestyle, huh?”

  “Oh yeah. My dad practically picked my fiancé from a list of suitors and all but kicked me down the aisle.”

  Dex didn’t say anything. She felt bad. That had come out wrong.

 
; “He’s my ex now, obviously. But I just—”

  “Sounds like your dad was trying to set you up with an upstanding guy.”

  “Upstanding?” Try controlling and bland. “Well, it’s been a tricky few months, but it’s part of the reason I’m out here.”

  “Ah, I get it,” Dex said, and there was an air of annoyance wafting from him. “You came out here, doing all this list stuff and getting lost in the wild with the likes of me to piss off your father.”

  If she’d only heard the words, she might have been insulted, but she could see from the expression in his face that he wasn’t judging her. Just making an observation.

  Besides, she couldn’t deny the truth of what he’d said. “Pissing off my dad is a bonus. But I came out here for me.”

  He didn’t say any more. Just like her. The difference from driving with him in the truck to his mom’s place and now going out to the coast was crushing. Because there was no flirting, no smiles, no easy conversation. All that was between them were the hard reminders of why they didn’t fit together in all the ways that mattered.

  He called her a princess for goodness sakes, and it hit her just then that what she’d thought was an endearment was his own bittersweet red flag. Deep down, Dex thought she was a spoiled princess, and maybe she was.

  “Well, suppose we better get this training done,” he said. “You still up for it?”

  She nodded, then hung her head and wondered how the hell she could get back to feeling strong…not weak.

  She wrung her hands together, but they felt heavy, like they were handcuffed. She pulled her hands apart and pressed them against her legs. She wouldn’t be trapped. And she wouldn’t be tied to someone because she needed them just to survive.

  She glanced at Dex. He didn’t look at her. Didn’t smile or try to touch her.

  They’d driven for ten minutes when she thought how quickly this had turned sour.

  “Maybe you should take me back home,” she said.

  He shook his head and looked at her, a smile in place. “And miss out on your training?” She just wished she could tell if his smile was genuine or put on for her sake.

  “I’ll sign off on your hours. You don’t have to do this.”

  He shook his head. “And let you lie for me? This is going to be by the book.” He pointed out the window and to some small structure off-road ahead of them. “Hey, you’re not allowed to look so sad. Not with what I’ve got planned.”

  “What you’ve got…? Where are we going, anyway?”

  He looked back at the road. “Just wait and see.”

  Chapter Nine

  “This is terrifying!” Michelle yelled over the whipping propellers and loud noise of the helicopter.

  “It’s also a shit ton of fun!” Dex yelled back. He tugged on her life jacket and checked her entire body one more time to make sure she was secure. It was just the two of them, leaning out of the helicopter as it hovered fifty feet above the water. There were two other search and rescuers in the copter with them for this adventure.

  “You wanted to fall, right?” Dex asked. “Here’s your chance, princess.”

  She was starting to rethink her grand idea of falling, but the list couldn’t be ignored. This was part of her independence, after all.

  “So I just fall, and you’ll come in after me?”

  He nodded. “It’s part of training.” He tugged on a rope that was secured to his harness. “I’m going to propel down, get you, and we’ll be pulled up.”

  She took a deep breath. She was trusting him to come in after her. Trusting that she’d be okay. Trusting that he’d save her.

  It was as exciting as it was terrifying. The whole point of this was to break away from being tied to people. To anyone. She looked at Dex. Part of her wanted him more than she should. And that was the one thing she couldn’t do. Shouldn’t do.

  But she also couldn’t turn away from an opportunity to prove her courage.

  She’d just have to fall and live with the consequences.

  “You going to back out, princess?” he asked.

  She frowned. No, she wouldn’t.

  A scream broke from her lungs as she pushed off the helicopter and plummeted into the cold water. She held her breath as the tiny pricks of cold hit her.

  She’d full on ran and jumped away from Dex. Away from the thought of more. Away from the threat of needing him or even wanting him.

  She’d just jumped.

  The rush of the experience was overwhelming. She felt good. Alive. She felt Dex splash in behind her. His big arms grabbed her up and secured her to his harness and body. As they started getting lifted from the water, she did the strangest thing…she held on to him.

  Which was bad…very, very bad.

  Chapter Ten

  Michelle’s mind had been a mess since she’d stupidly held on to Dex after he saved her from the water. Mock rescue and training and her list aside…she’d reached for him. Clung to him. And if she was really honest, part of her wanted to be saved.

  She shook her head.

  Pathetic.

  She needed a new list and fast if she was already caving on depending on someone else. Dex hadn’t reached out since he’d dropped her off after the helicopter training. Over twenty-four hours had passed since then, and she still hadn’t heard from him. He’d been cold on the way to the mock water rescue, but when they’d finished it, he’d been filled with the same warmth that made her love being around him.

  And then he hadn’t called. Despite him needing his hours. Despite his stated commitment to helping her cross off everything on her list. He’d left her alone.

  So she’d busied herself at her boutique. Today had been busy. Very busy. Which was good. She needed the revenue. But a part of her worried it was already too late. She’d known things were shaky, but looking over the finances again, even with the good sales today, she was in bad shape. She would have to figure out something fast. Or else.

  She just wished she could stop thinking of Dex. Now that she was at home and the night was getting darker, she was sitting with a glass of wine, staring at her phone, wondering what he was doing. Not that she cared. She was just…thinking too much.

  “This is ridiculous,” she told herself and tossed her phone on her couch. Then immediately picked it back up. Had she heard it ping with a text? Nope, now she was hearing things. Or just wishing for things.

  She needed to get out of this funk. Because life without Dex seemed…bland. She hadn’t realized that somewhere along the way, she’d come to enjoy his challenges and spending time with him. Worse, she’d come to need that time with him. She got a thrill when she succeeded at every challenge he put before her. It was like a drug. But all it had taken was her looking at her business’s finances to remind her that she wasn’t doing nearly as well as she needed. Not by a long shot.

  What was she supposed to do? Hang out with Dex and ignore everything else while her life fell apart? Worse, find that she only felt confident and independent when he was around?

  No. She couldn’t. That was the whole reason she’d come out here. The whole reason she’d first hooked up with Dex. She needed to know she could do this on her own.

  She paced, looking at her phone and taking another long swallow of wine. She and Dex weren’t meant to be long-term anything. And clearly he wasn’t thinking of her, or he’d have reached out.

  She needed to talk to someone, though, and she needed to stop thinking of Dex. So she dialed Natalie.

  “Hey,” Natalie’s happy voice came through the phone. “What are you up to?”

  “Oh, just got home from the shop.”

  “So you’re staring at your phone waiting for Dex?”

  “No,” Michelle said quickly. She knew it was crazy, but she looked around to see if somehow Natalie was spying on her. “I’m not waiting for Dex.”

  “Uh-huh.”

  “Besides, that would be stupid. If he wanted me, he’d call.”

  “That’s not tru
e,” Natalie said quickly. “Dex is a guy. Which means he’s inherently stupid sometimes.”

  “Dex goes for what he wants,” Michelle defended.

  “So do you, and look at what you’re doing. Sitting around, waiting for your phone to ring instead of going after what you want.”

  She had a point. But wanting Dex wasn’t the problem. It was the rest of it. The rules and goals of their arrangement. Getting feelings confused into the mix was bad. She liked him, fine. But it didn’t mean she had to be stupid about it.

  “You started down this path to gain some independence, right? Some adventure?” Natalie asked.

  “Yes, and I am.”

  “Great, then keep doing it. If you want to talk to Dex, then do it. If not, then don’t. But don’t wait. Don’t waste your time trying to be something you’re not or trying to not be something you are. It’s simple really. If you want it, go get it.”

  Natalie’s advice oddly made her feel better about this. The worst thing Dex could say was no. Well, he could tell her to fuck off. But she wanted to be the bold woman that didn’t let a fear of failure keep her from going after what she wanted, and that meant putting herself out there. Maybe they could at least be friends? Yeah, right. Could she ever just be friends with Dex without wanting to rip his clothes off, desperate to feel his skin against hers?

  So no matter what, this was probably a disaster waiting to happen. That was freeing in its own way.

  “Thanks, Nat, you’re a good friend.”

  “And wise. Don’t forget wise.”

  Michelle laughed. She hung up and texted Dex before she lost her nerve. Yes, things had changed after meeting his mother, but one thing that hadn’t changed was how much she desired him. So she’d own her desire. How much she craved him. And she’d prove her power over her desire first by giving in to it, then by telling Dex good-bye. They had little time left, and if Natalie was right, she wasn’t going to waste it staring at her phone.

  Dex checked the fifth harness of the night and set it on the table once it passed inspection. He was with his crew for propelling practice and equipment inventory. Scaling cliffs was part of the SAR job sometimes, and it was smart to make sure the equipment was up to code. Then of course they had to “practice” hoisting up a mock victim and tonight the role was on Gage.