by Nicola Haken
“Who died?” Mick asked through that permanent scowl of his when I strolled sluggishly into The Blue Apple. About five minutes before I arrived I started to feel like utter shit.
“Got any painkillers?” I wasn’t even in pain but I felt so… off, and if I was coming down with anything I needed it to have fucked off before my night with Rachel. I was sure she wouldn’t appreciate me snotting all over her face while I was fucking her.
“You look like shit,” he noted, tossing me a strip of paracetamol.
“Saw my dad this morning,” I mumbled in between popping the first then second pill in my mouth.
“That explains it. How is the miserable old bastard?” Sometimes I wonder how my dad or Mick would feel if the other one died. I mean they’re brothers – they must have loved each other once. But they both strive to make it clear to the outside world how much they despise each other. In fact I think they try too hard to be truly convincing.
“Same old miserable bastard,” I deadpanned, shrugging off my jacket. “You been on to the brewery about the missing barrels?”
“Yeah, lad. They’re in the cellar. Need you to stack ‘em up for me while I empty these crates.”
“No problem. I’ll crack straight on with it.”
Down in the cellar I started to feel worse. By the time I’d changed my second barrel I knew what was coming.
“Fuck,” I barely whispered. Three years I went without a seizure. Three fucking years thinking I’d finally gained control of my life again. Now I was about to have my second one in six months.
I always get a warning – an aura I think they call it. I don’t know for sure because I’ve never been diagnosed. But every time begins the same. I start to feel shitty – achey, like I’m coming down with something. Then just before I feel my limbs grow heavy and my consciousness start to fade. You know when you’re right on the verge of going to sleep – how you feel at that very last second… that’s exactly how it feels. It all happens in just a few seconds but when I recall it, it feels like a lifetime.
I heard Mick call me from the top of the steps to the cellar but the muscles in my throat had already grown too weak to answer him. Putting my hand on the exposed-brick wall for support I started to lower myself down onto an empty palette.
I don’t remember if I made it or not before the room turned black…
**********
When I came round I was lying on my side on the stone floor. I looked down at myself without moving my head and saw that I’d been put into the recovery position.
“Why didn’t you tell me you were having them again, lad?”
“I… umm…” I scratched at my head, feeling confused and disorientated.
“Never mind just now. Can you stand yet?”
Can I stand? I repeated the question a few times over in my mind. I felt weak and groggy. My eyes were flickering open and closed and my limbs felt like they were made of solid iron. Can I stand?
“Not yet,” I muttered blearily.
I could do nothing else but lie on the cold, hard floor while I waited for my body to wake up and my brain to start making sense again. I gave Mick the nod when I felt strong enough to stand and he held out his hand for me to grab onto and heave myself up.
“Whoa there, lad,” he said when I stumbled. I grabbed onto his shoulder for support. “You wanna take a kip in the flat?” he asked, cocking his head towards the ceiling.
“No. I’m going home.” Feeling a little steadier I took my hand from his shoulder and made my way towards the steps that out of the cellar.
“I’ll take you. You’re in no fit state to drive yourself there,” he ordered. If I hadn’t felt so fucking miserable I would’ve smiled. Mick can be such an arse. He’s a classic middle-aged grump. He sulks, he barks orders, and he leaves all the shitty jobs to everyone else. But when it came to needing someone to lean on, he’s the only member of my family who’s ever been there for me when it really mattered.
I let Mick take me back to my apartment. I say ‘let’ him – I didn’t have another choice. But I drew the line at him riding in the lift to my floor with me. I wanted to be alone and I was grateful he didn’t argue with me when I told him to leave me at the front of the building.
I walked into my apartment in a daze. After kicking the door closed behind me I headed straight for my bedroom. Each step was an effort. It felt like I had boulders attached to my shoes and I had to concentrate on lifting each foot off the floor and hauling it forwards.
When I reached my bed I flopped straight onto it without removing my clothes or my shoes. My head was pounding, my brain and memories still a little foggy and my entire body was aching like I’d ran a fucking great marathon. I didn’t even have the energy to roll onto my back so I just lay, fully clothed on top of the duvet and closed my eyes, trapping the tears inside.
Some hours later the door buzzer started screaming at me. At least it felt like screaming to my sensitive head. Rolling over, I ignored it hoping they’d give up and go away. They didn’t. The buzzes grew more impatient and I swear somehow they got louder too.
Huffing and cursing all the words I could think of, I dragged my sorry arse of bed and headed to the receiver in the hall.
“What?” I barked down the line.
“Well that’s no way to treat your baby sister,” Jessica greeted me. “Let me up.” I pressed the button and hung up the receiver without replying. While I waited for her to come up I plodded to the bathroom to splash some cool water over my face and run my fingers through my hair.
Yeah, I still looked like shit.
I still felt like it too when I heard the knock on my door.
“Bloody hell,” Jess said, wrinkling her face up. “You look like crap.” Who you telling?
“Headache,” I mumbled, closing the door behind her.
“Self inflicted?”
“Sure,” I agreed. It was just easier to let her think I’d been drinking – less questions.
“Well then you don’t deserve my sympathy.” Didn’t want it anyway. “So you and Dad fell out again?”
“So that’s why you’re here. To lecture me.”
“Nah. I’m kinda past caring about your stupid arguments. No, I came because I’ve not seen my big brother in too long. Seems like you’ve missed me too, huh?”
“Sorry, Jess. Just feel like shit. You know I’m always happy to see my brat of a sis. So, how’s the training going?” Jessica is training to be a police officer and has recently finished the first stage of the process.
“I just started coached patrol last week. It’s kind of scary being out there on the street sometimes. Honestly there are some serious nutcases out there. But it’s exciting too. Plus, I look pretty hot in this get up don’t you think?” she asked, waving her hand over her uniform.
“You know I’m not even going to answer that. So, what else you been up to?”
“Ah, this and that,” she answered despondently. In that moment I knew there was another reason for Jessica’s visit. She just wanted me to coax it out of her.
“Come on… talk to uncle Jared,” I encouraged, joining her on the sofa.
“I don’t think I can. I mean… I don’t know… I just…”
“Whoa, Jess. What the hell is it?” I took hold of her hand and I could feel her erratic pulse pounding in the tips of her fingers. Things had just gotten very fucking serious very fucking fast. “You can tell me anything. You know that.”
“I… I’m…” I sighed heavily. I knew what was coming. Call it sibling intuition or something.
“You’re pregnant aren’t you?” Tears bubbled in her light-blue eyes and she bowed her head, letting her jaw-length blonde hair fall over her face.
“Dad’s going to kill me.”
“Who’s the father?” I asked, ignoring her fears about our dad. I can see another face-off happening between us in the not too distant future.
“There isn’t one.”
“Unless you’re about to tell me an a
ngel visited you in the fucking night, then you know that’s not possible, Jessica.”
“Don’t call me Jessica. You only call me that when you’re mad at me.”
I’m not mad. I’m fucking livid.
“I’m not mad,” I lied through a huff. “So come on… who is he?”
“Well he’s-I mean he-I… I don’t exactly know.”
“What the fuck do you mean you don’t know?” I barked, letting go of her hand and bolting upright. Then she started sobbing, and I felt like a dick. “I’m sorry, Jess. I didn’t mean to snap at you.”
“It was one night. I was drunk and I either didn’t get or I don’t remember his name. I’m not proud of it, Jared. If anything I’m utterly ashamed of myself.”
“Didn’t you use anything?” I asked – a little judgementally on reflection.
“I don’t know,” she answered – her tone timid and embarrassed. “You don’t need to tell me what a slut I’ve been. Believe me I already know.”
“I don’t think that, Jess,” I assured her, my voice softening. “You’re my baby sister. I’m here for you. You know that right?” She smiled weakly but didn’t reply. “Have you, um… thought about what you’re going to do?” I asked carefully.
“You mean if I’m going to keep it?” I nodded. “Yes. I am. I have to. I’ve thought about the alternative but… it’s just not something I could do. The baby didn’t ask to be put here. It deserves a chance don’t you think?”
In all honesty I didn’t know what the hell to think in that moment.
“It doesn’t matter what I think. I’ll support you whatever you decide.”
“Really?”
“Of course! How could you possibly think anything else?”
“I’m really scared, Jared. I’m only a year into my training. What if I have to give that up? And Dad… I know he’s got these hopes that I’ll work my way to the top. He wants me to be a detective one day – he’s told me God knows how many times. He’s going to be so disappointed in me.”
“First of all, fuck Dad and his pretentious and arrogant ideas. Second, people in the force have kids you know. You can still become whatever you want. You’ll just need to work a bit harder that’s all. But it can be done. You’re going to have a baby, Jess – not a multiple limb amputation.”
“Shit,” Jess breathed as the colour drained from her face.
“What?”
“I am aren’t I? I’m going to have… a baby.”
“I’m no expert but yeah, I’m pretty sure that’s how it ends.”
“I don’t have the first clue how to be a mum. What if I do a really crappy job and it ends up hating me?”
“No one knows how to do anything the first time. You’ll learn. You’ll have to. Besides, that kid is gonna have the best life ever with such an amazing uncle.” Shit. I’m going to be an uncle! “You can do this, Jess. I’m with you every step of the way.”
“What about the step that involves me telling Mum and Dad?”
“If you want me there. I’ll be there.”
“I do want you there. I was thinking of going this weekend. I have to work Saturday, so are you free on Sunday?”
“I’ll make myself free.”
Jessica stayed for another half an hour or so. She cried a little more, stressed a little more, and then eventually calmed down again. At times I just wanted to yell at her for being so stupid but I knew that wouldn’t help anyone. I’m just worried for her more than anything. I mean… a baby. A bloody baby! All they do is cry, shit and cost a crap load of money right? At least money won’t be an issue. Once they’ve got over the shock our parents will see her right.
When she decided to leave, I didn’t really want her to be alone and so offered my bed to her saying I’d sleep on the sofa. But she said she wanted to be on her own to think things through. Though I’m pretty sure she just wanted to be alone so nobody would hear her cry herself to sleep.
“I feel like I’ve let everyone down,” she said, her swollen eyes threatening to spill tears once again as we said our goodbyes outside the main doors to my building.
“Now you listen to me,” I ordered, planting my hands on either side of her face. “I’m your big brother and I love you. You could never let me down even if you tried and anyone who loves you will feel the same. You hear me? Millions of women have babies every single day. Some planned, some not. That’s life. You are going to make a wonderful mum, Jess and once that little lad is here he will be adored by everyone I can assure you.”
“It could be a girl,” she argued with the first smile I’d seen since she arrived at my apartment.
“Nah. He’s going to take after his uncle Jared. I can feel it.”
“Jesus Christ maybe this really is a mistake,” she teased. I took my hands from her face and punched her shoulder like I used to do when we were kids. “Thank you, Jared. You’re actually a pretty great big brother.”
“Damn right I am,” I agreed confidently. “The best.”
“I’ll call you before Sunday to arrange a time. Maybe we can discuss when I’ll get to meet this new girlfriend of yours too?”
Fuck. Rachel. I was supposed to be meeting her. How the fuck did I forget that? She was going to be so pissed off with me…
“Sure. Take care, Jess. I’m on the other end of the phone if you need me.”
After another quick hug I took the lift up to my floor. My legs were still a little weak from the seizure this afternoon. Ugh – seizure. It’s such a horrible word. It makes me feel so… helpless. I have no control over it and I fucking hate that. When I reached my apartment I went straight to my phone where I noticed several texts and a few missed calls from Rachel.
I felt like shit. My muscles ached and my head hurt. My mind was crammed with questions and worries about the return of my seizures and Jess’ revelation… and so like an utter dickhead, I took the cowards way out and sent her a text.
Me: So sorry saffy. Just woke up. Felt like shit all day. Think I’m coming down with something. C U tomorrow?
Rachel never replied. Just as I suspected, I was in the doghouse.
Chapter Eight
Rachel
I had a spare couple of hours this morning so I decided to go and play nurse for Jared, even though I was pissed off with him for forgetting about me after the texts he’d sent earlier in the day that had me going out of my mind with curiosity. When I was ready to leave I gathered up my little bundle of envelopes containing application forms for jobs I’d seen in the newspaper, popped them in my handbag to post along the way and made my way to the door.
“JESUS!” I screamed, clutching my heart when I saw a body standing outside my door. “You almost gave me a bloody heart attack!”
“Sorry,” Holly muttered. “I’ve literally just got here. I was just about to knock. I think I left my textbook on Benin Art here when I did your hair.”
“Oh you did! I keep meaning to text you and then… well then I kinda forgot. It’s in my room on the floor under a pile of washing.”
“Wow. You’re the organised type, huh?” Holly disappeared into my room and came back seconds later waving the forgotten textbook in the air. “Seriously how do you find anything in there?”
“Sorry, Mum. I’ll clean it tomorrow.”
“You want a lift anywhere? I’m heading into town before my next class so I can drop you off wherever you were going?”
“That’d be great – if you’re sure?”
“Course I am. Where are you going?”
“I need to stop at the postbox around the corner and then just to Jared’s. He lives in-”
“Oh,” she muttered, interrupting me and sounding… I don’t know, guilty? Awkward? “He lives in Kings Cross… a couple of streets away from the station?”
“Umm, yeah. How did you know that?”
“I think I… well I know I… I mean I could be wr-”
“Just spit it out, Holly,” I snapped impatiently.
“I saw Jared l
ast night. Outside these fancy flats. With a… with a girl.”
“That could’ve been anyone,” I countered. So why didn’t I believe it?
“It didn’t look like anyone,” she muttered guiltily. “They were really… close. He was cupping her face with his hands. I’m sorry, Rach. Maybe I shouldn’t have said anything.”
A bit late for that now…
“No. You should.” But I wished she hadn’t. “So the fucker’s had his fun and now he’s moved on. Good for him,” I said resolutely, my voice so smooth and even, I think I may have even sounded convincing.
“You don’t mean that. You really liked him. I could tell.”
“Yeah I did. But nothing lasts forever, right?” I’ve always believed that… lived by it even. If you know from the start something is temporary, then you won’t lose your shit when it ends. But that’s the thing… for the first time I’d started thinking this thing with Jared just might…
DAMN HIM!
“You’d best get going. Looks like I don’t need a ride after all.”
“Are you okay?” she asked cautiously.
“Sure I am. I’m not gonna lose sleep over a guy I’ve only known a few months, Hol. I’m fine.”
“You know I could be wrong. I mean it was dark… and I was across the street.”
“You’re not wrong. That’s what guys do.” That’s what they always do, and I feel like such a giant fucking idiot for thinking for one second that Jared might be different. “Fuck him. I’m over it.”
“I’ll call you later?” Holly said like a question, her face drawn down as pure pity poured out of her eyes.
“Sure. Maybe we can arrange to go out and find his replacement, eh?” I winked, biting down on my bottom lip when I became conscious of the fact it was quivering slightly.
“Maybe,” she replied with a placating smile. “I really am sorry, Rach.”
I don’t want your pity. I don’t want anyone’s fucking pity.
“Talk to you later,” I said curtly, dismissing any further conversation. She nodded sympathetically, again, and then thankfully left me the fuck alone.