Popular: Boys, Booze, and Jesus

by Tindell Baldwin

  I was feeling so much emotional pain at that moment that I wanted to scream. Every look felt like a judgmental stare; every roll of the eyes felt like it was pointed in my direction. I was terrified and angry at so many people. I was mad at myself for getting into this situation. I was mad at the guy for not knowing when a girl was too drunk. I was scared and shaken because maybe he did know when a girl was too drunk and had me anyway.

  Mostly I was devastated that I’d let this happen. I was ashamed and confused at the choice I’d made when I was supposed to be walking the path of righteousness. I was supposed to be a Christian, but here I was sitting in Planned Parenthood, asking for a pill I didn’t even know if I agreed with. Before this moment, I’d claimed that the Plan B pill was abortion. Now that I was here, it felt like my saving grace.

  When they finally called me back, I looked at my friend, and she gave me a reassuring smile. I’d have to do this part alone. I walked into a small room with another woman and sat in front of her desk. She didn’t even look up from my papers; she just asked what I was here for. I lied. I told her I’d had unprotected sex with my boyfriend. More guilt. I figured at this point lying was the least of my worries. She still didn’t look up.

  “So you want the Plan B pill?”

  “Yes,” was the only response I could muster.

  “That will be forty dollars,” she said, and rattled off instructions I didn’t catch. I handed her the money, and she handed me a brown sack. I didn’t even check to see if it was the right pill. Instead, I shuffled out of the room with tears threatening to soak my face.

  Finally safe with my friend, we headed for the car to go home. As we left, I wondered how many times the other girls and women in the waiting room had gone through what I’d gone through, or worse. I wanted to tell myself it wasn’t a big deal—that everyone makes mistakes—but I knew it was a lie. I felt so much shame I could barely think on the way home. I’d promised myself I was going to be different, but here I was making mountains of mistakes again. My heart ached. I was so lost in the pain of shame I didn’t even want to ask for the Lord’s forgiveness. I didn’t know what to confess. Looking out the window, I played the night’s events back in my head once more: a few shots here, then a drink at the bar, then nothing. Just blankness where there should be memories.

  The Aftermath

  I made a decision that day to never get drunk again. I promised God I wouldn’t touch alcohol until I was twenty-one, and then I would only handle it responsibly. God had asked me to obey His laws, but I thought He was trying to keep me from fun. The truth was that He was trying to keep me from deep pain.

  Like the coyote hunter, Satan had me believe that I would stop before I hit the razor blade, but I just kept licking. Hear me when I write that God can wash away any sin, but He does not wash away your memory. I’m forever left with the memories of my past, and there are some days when those memories are so real and so shameful and so painful that all I can do is fall on my knees and pray that God gives me relief. This is what sin looks like—decisions that will change your life.

  I wish that summer night after my freshman year of college had been different, but even though it was unlike anything I’d done before, for my friends it wasn’t that unusual. Some of them had experienced being taken advantage of or giving their bodies when their minds were unwilling. The call to be different is hard and takes a lot of strength, but it doesn’t prompt years of regret from mistakes or traumas like these. It doesn’t bring the shame and brokenness of going to rehab or the heartache of losing a friend to an addiction. I’m not downplaying loneliness, rejection, or hurt. I’m saying that though loneliness brings pain, it does not haunt you like regret does. I’m saying that though rejection can cause deep heartache, it doesn’t tear your soul apart like sexual promiscuity. God is asking you to be different not because He wants you to suffer but because the alternative is something you don’t want to experience.

  I know what you’re thinking: If drinking is so bad, why does it look so fun? Well, here’s the truth: it looks fun because sometimes it is. Let me tell you what it’s not, though: it’s not fulfilling, it’s not satisfying, it doesn’t make you a better person, it doesn’t foster friendships that last, it’s not selfless, it’s not lasting, and it’s not going to make you happy. Fun comes in many different forms, but happiness and fulfillment only come in one form: devotion to a loving God and all He stands for. Devotion to God will lead to a lifestyle change. He created us for a deep relationship with Him, so when we go to other things for fulfillment, we will never be filled. If people just drank to have fun, then why would they drink until they are hanging over the toilet vomiting? That’s not fun. Hangovers are not fun. Having fun might be part of it, but that’s not the main reason people drink.

  I started drinking because I was so uncomfortable in my own skin that I needed something to make me different. I did this to the point that when I gave up alcohol I was a totally different person. I drank because I believed I would never fit in with my family. I drank so that I could make decisions I knew were wrong. I drank for so many reasons other than just fun, and so did everyone I knew. We were uncomfortable in who we were, where we came from, and where we were going.

  I don’t know what God is calling you to today, but whatever it is, it’s worth it. The life you believe you’re missing out on is nothing more than an illusion. Believe in the goodwill of our God and be obedient. It might mean you’re lonely today, but it also might mean you aren’t scarred tomorrow. It might mean you’re rejected today, but it might mean you’re accepted with open arms tomorrow. It’s true that God can bring beauty from any pile of ashes, but rising from the ashes is not easy or fun—it’s so much better to avoid that type of death.

  I have friends who often tell me they wish they had an interesting testimony like mine, wish they could really experience all that grace encompasses. I hope that my complete honesty stops you from believing the lie that those who are faithful to God haven’t done anything amazing. I’ve wished a thousand times that I could trade my abuse of grace and redemption for the quiet strength of a deep and consistent understanding of faithfulness. Remaining faithful to God is much more difficult than giving in. I got to test the waters, but let me be the first to tell you the ride isn’t worth the rapids.

  CHAPTER 12

  GRACE-FILLED SEX

  I STILL REMEMBER the first time I heard a preacher talk about sex. I was just coming out of my great rebellion and searching for a Jesus I could really get on board with. I was visiting my oldest brother at a youth camp where he was leading worship, and I loved the talks. We had fun snorkeling in the ocean, and each night I sat with my sister-in-law in the back and watched proudly as my brother pointed thousands of kids to the Lord. When the speakers shared, I wrote furiously in my journal, anxious to learn about my new faith. In true church form, they had a sex talk on the last night of camp. Nothing like a sex talk to get kids all worked up and then send them home to Mom and Dad.

  A woman got onstage and started talking about all the reasons why you shouldn’t have sex until marriage—the usual dos and don’ts kind of talk. I kept waiting to hear something for the kids who had already screwed up. There was nothing. Not one word. I started to wonder, Is God’s grace not enough for the kids who’ve already crossed that line? Are you telling me that God’s hand is mighty to save but, oh wait, not that mighty? I left feeling dejected and confused, something I often felt in church. I couldn’t help but wonder how many other girls left feeling the same way. How many told themselves, “Well, I guess there’s no hope for me”?

  That night I decided that if I was ever lucky enough to talk to kids about sex, then I would tell them what people often forget to say—that God’s grace is enough, and not only is it enough, but it can wash you clean. If you have already been there and are wondering how you’ll ever be whole again, then take heart. God can heal you. Sex outside of marriage is a sin that involves your body. You connect intimately with another person—
or in my case, many other people—and it’s much harder to heal from. But that doesn’t mean Jesus didn’t take it to the Cross like everything else. Since nothing can separate you from God, you can fully accept God’s grace even after having sex before marriage. He would never have left the earth with that kind of outstanding debt. When Jesus was hanging on the cross, the man next to Him, a thief, asked Jesus to remember him in heaven. Jesus didn’t hesitate. Instead He said, “I tell you the truth, today you will be with me in paradise” (Luke 23:43).

  That is the God we serve. He didn’t ask questions. He didn’t need a list of sins. He knew that the man had sinned—he was hanging on the cross next to Jesus. And still Jesus assured him a place right with Him. We serve a God so big He can forgive the sins of the world, and sexual sin is no different. Just because you were covered in shame yesterday doesn’t mean you can’t be smothered in grace today. Walking away from sexual sin is no different than walking away from any other sin. It starts with grace followed by a decision. It’s a choice you can make to preserve your heart for your husband. Even if you have already walked down that road, God can make a new path for you.

  Have mercy on me, O God, have mercy on me,

  for in you my soul takes refuge.

  I will take refuge in the shadow of your wings

  until the disaster has passed.

  I cry out to God Most High,

  to God, who fulfills his purpose for me.

  He sends from heaven and saves me,

  rebuking those who hotly pursue me;

  God sends his love and his faithfulness.

  PSALM 57:1-3

  If you have the courage to cry out to God today, He will shelter you while you heal. David wrote this psalm when he was fleeing from Saul, who was searching for him so he could kill him. David hid in a cave and asked God to protect him, and David was never harmed by Saul. You can do the same. You can cry out to the Healer of your broken heart. There may be nothing else you feel you can do, but you can cry out to Him. He will not refuse you grace if you seek it with your whole heart. If you want to be clean, He will make a way for you. Don’t believe you can’t be healed from this. Jesus came for the sick, not for the healthy. He can be the doctor your heart needs.

  God’s protection is never more apparent than with baby ducks. They are defenseless. They can barely bite, they are covered in fuzz, and they are perfect snacking size for snakes and turtles. At night, the mother opens up her wings and lets all her babies hide under her soft feathers so that if an enemy comes, the little ducks might have a chance to survive. I never understood the full meaning of the Psalm 57 reference to taking refuge in the shadow of God’s wings until I saw a mother duck protect her helpless babies. You and I are the same way. God opens up His huge wings of grace and invites you to come hide under them. He promises that He will fight for you, if you come and rest in His protection.

  God does not view sexual sin differently from other sins, but He does warn it is a different type of sin. Sex is unique in that it is the one sin where someone else has control over you. Someone has a piece of you, and you can never have it back. You can be cleansed, purified, and renewed, but a part of your heart will never be returned. I can say this because I have been there.

  The fact that I had premarital sex doesn’t mean my marriage is doomed, and it doesn’t mean that I can’t love my husband with everything I have. But it does mean I don’t have as much as I once did. It means that I have scars that can never be fully repaired and I have insecurities that cut like a knife to my heart. God tells you not to have sex before marriage for your own good, not for His. Though God may eventually get your whole heart even if you have premarital sex now, what is done cannot be undone. Your heart can be repaired by God, but it was meant to remain whole. One day I’ll be whole again. One day I’ll stand in front of my Savior, and He will give me the heart I was intended to have. I only wish I could love my husband with that heart. Until then, I’ll love my Ben with every part of me. I’ll love him with the glued-back-together pieces and know that with God’s help, that will be enough.

  CHAPTER 13

  STARTING OVER AGAIN

  LET’S TAKE A look into how God defines love, because I think many girls have bought the same lie that Penny did in Almost Famous. We think, Maybe it is love, as much as it can be. God defines love very clearly so that we aren’t left questioning whether it’s love or not. I have a feeling that if you’re guessing if it’s love, then it’s not. You may have heard this before, but read 1 Corinthians 13 now like God is talking to you, like He’s sitting across the table from you at Starbucks and is wondering how your relationship with your boyfriend is going. You tell Him things are okay and you’re pretty sure it’s love. So He asks you . . .

  Is he patient? Is he kind? Does he ever lose heart? Does he give up? Does he get jealous easily? Is he too proud? Does he brag about things that don’t matter? Does he get angry easily? Is he rude? Does he seek truth? Does he protect you? Does he trust you? Does he persevere through hard times? Does he remain at your side when life gets tough? Does he put you first? Does he forget the wrong? (See 1 Corinthians 13:4-8.)

  You think for a while and realize . . . he doesn’t do most of that. At least, not when it doesn’t benefit him. I know what you’re thinking, because I thought it too: I’m not worth all that. Oh, but you are. God, the King of the universe, says you are. These are the standards for love, and God can list them because He does all of them for you. There are God-seeking men out there who love like God loves you.

  You must wait for them, just like they should wait until you are that kind of girl. My dad asked me once when I was seventeen if I thought I would marry my boyfriend. I quickly said no, and then he asked me if I was the kind of girl my boyfriend would want to marry. It made me think. Was I? When I did come back to God, I remember thinking that it didn’t matter how many lists I made about my requirements in a guy; if I didn’t meet the standards of my future husband with a similar list, then he wouldn’t be interested. Mr. Perfect isn’t interested in good enough—he wants the woman God has prepared for him. So don’t expect to get that kind of man until you are that kind of girl.

  The passage in 1 Corinthians 13 goes on to say, “When perfection comes, the imperfect disappears. When I was a child, I talked like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I put childish ways behind me” (verses 10-11).

  You don’t need a boy; you need a God-fearing man. I know this will take time and you will have to wait, but I can promise you it is worth it. I used to believe my brothers were the only God-fearing men on this earth. I believed I would never find anyone as wonderful as they are. I watched how they loved their girlfriends (and then wives), and I was jealous. I figured I would never find a man who could love me like that. My brothers opened doors for their girlfriends, doted on them, respected them, took them on dates, and always, always placed God in the center of their relationships. What I saw in them more than anything was that they always put the best interests of their girlfriends before their own best interests. I remember watching that and thinking I had never had a guy who cared more about me than he did about himself.

  I knew in high school I would never find a boy like that, because I wasn’t being the woman these kind of men go for. But deep down I hoped that one day I’d have the strength to be a God-fearing woman, the kind God-fearing men look for.

  Then I met Ben. He was everything and more that I had prayed for, looked for, and heard about. He met every character quality on the list in 1 Corinthians 13, but I only met him after I became God’s image of love. I met him after I loved God so deeply that I became like Him. The love Ben and I have for each other is not perfect, but it’s as close as you can get. We still fail each other, but we have a standard that our love lives by.

  You deserve this. You were made for this. God wants you to know that He deeply desires for you to have this. But if we’re putting a standard on our men, then we must also put it on oursel
ves. So ask yourself the following questions:

  Am I patient? Am I kind? Do I get jealous? Do I boast? Am I rude? Do I put myself first? Do I keep a record of wrongs? Do I love truth and pursue it? Do I protect love? Do I trust? Do I hope in love? Do I persevere no matter the cost?

  God did. He followed the standard of love set in 1 Corinthians 13 so that you would have the ultimate example of love, because you deserve that kind of love. Don’t trade the imitation for the real thing. Don’t be Penny Lane and buy the lie that maybe it is love. I can promise you that when you have the real thing, you know it.

  If you think you’re not good enough, let me assure you, you’re not. I wasn’t; I’m still not. No one is. That’s why a perfect Savior came down and died, so He could save you from human standards, so He could save you from the evil of this world and replace it with something new: a new identity, a new life, and a new standard that you deserve. You are a daughter of the King, and you deserve to be treated as such.

  Jesus has a different kind of love to offer you, one that can only be displayed on a cross. It’s not a dozen roses, but it’s a gift that keeps on giving. You don’t have to say anything to win Him over, because He has already been fighting for you. We tend to look at His love through human eyes, and we question it: What can You give me in this life, right now, to make the decision to follow You worth it? It’s a shrewd question, but the question it’s really asking is, what can you give me today? You weigh the pros and cons, and at first you may say, “Not too much.” But God’s love was never aimed at only the here and now; He was aiming for forever. Then you look at gifts that last forever, and they are amazing. Even though He can offer you a lot today, His goal was to offer you everything forever. Yes, He can provide you comfort and a future, but there’s so much more. He wants to give you paradise. This is just the first date; the really good stuff comes later.