Popular: Boys, Booze, and Jesus

by Tindell Baldwin

  God’s love is never faulty, and ours is. God’s love is never selfish, and ours is. God doesn’t rely on a feeling to know He loves us, but rather a painful choice He made to win our hearts. If we count on this type of love to fill us, understanding that no human will ever be able to offer what God can, then we can rest in His love and love others with His power. What if we changed our dating lens to find the man who loves God the most, instead of the one who makes us feel the best? What if we always had in mind that God loves us completely? If we were already full, I daresay we might not be nearly as needy. We might be able to rest instead of constantly searching for someone to love us. No matter how great Mr. Right is, he will never love you like Jesus does. He can’t.

  When we are full, our love for God becomes so enriched by His love that we can pour into others instead of sucking them dry. That’s what I did in relationships: I got in and sucked the love out of the other person. I took their hugs, kisses, and kind words and bottled them up to drink, and it gave me “life.” Each day I drank in the potion that was running me dry. And the more I drank, the more I needed. This is how most of us feel, dry from pouring ourselves out to others, dry from the addictions that never satisfy, dry from the pain people have fed us. Our hearts have become deserts, and the Lord longs to bring in a river, soaking our hearts’ depths. A river of love that can be given and not only taken, love that will quench the thirst we’ve been trying to fill for the ages. The question still remains, though: Can it be done?

  I didn’t think it could. I was so dependent on what I could get from others that I believed I could never be satisfied. I had sucked the life out of relationships, friends, and family and was still thirsty. Then I met my Savior, and something happened. He filled me. It didn’t seem natural, but it was satisfying. It took effort, but it lasted. It called for sacrifices, but I was healed. He asked me to pour out myself so that I could be filled with Him, and He never failed me.

  I realized that I wanted so desperately for it to be true—the verses I read describing His love. A love I couldn’t wrap my hands around or mold into my own image, one that is unable to be lost. Even if I couldn’t feel the depths of the statement, I hoped with everything in me that God could love me despite my many faults, because I’d never felt that. Every love I knew had been shattered by human frailty, so I doubted there was a power greater than my own mishaps. For a time, I had tried to fight this love. I had spat in its face, hammered nails through its limbs, ripped flesh from its back, crowned it with thorns, all the while mocking its name, but His love grew deeper as my pain grew stronger.

  Suddenly, full force, it hit me like a rock: I can’t run from the deep, everlasting love of a Savior who takes my shame and pronounces me dearly loved. The words from 1 Corinthians strike at my core because I was created to be loved that much. He came and died so I would have something tangible, something that shouts at me, “You are loved this much.” If you really believe that, you will behave differently. If you can really grasp this, then suddenly you’re worth so much more than you ever believed possible.

  His love never gives up on you. Crown Him with pain; He will still hang for you. Nail Him to wood, and the Son of God will beg forgiveness on your behalf. We may not have been there on that hill the day Jesus died, and we may not have held the hammer, but time and time again we have poured salt on His wounds when we’ve said to God, “Your love isn’t enough.” God’s design for your life makes an impact because it’s so different from what you’ve been told about your life. Satan tells you that you don’t deserve a love that travels to the depths of your heart, but God says differently. He forever holds you—and me—in His hands, never to fall, because you’re the beloved and you’re to be loved.

  When You Least Expect It

  January 13

  You never know the nights that are going to change your life. You wonder when they’ll happen, and you dream about the possibilities of a chance meeting, a great conversation, or a new friend, but you never know. That’s the beauty of life, the mystery of tomorrow. While it all sounds romantic, the truth is most days are just regular, normal days. They continue at the same pace, time doesn’t stop, and monotony becomes a part of the routine until there’s a bend in the road, and suddenly life changes.

  The night I met my husband didn’t announce itself. As I was getting ready to go out, I had no idea this was the night I’d meet the man I’d been praying for. I’d gone to a movie with friends, finally done the laundry, and was looking forward to going to a party with a friend. I didn’t think anything out of the ordinary would happen. I’d given up on the notion of love and Prince Charming. I’d stopped believing in fairy tales, accepting that most knights were just regular men who were better at hiding their true natures. So I didn’t go into the night with the idea of meeting him. But I did.

  I noticed him from across the room, and my heart did a double take. He was laughing with his friends, and something about his broad smile caught me off guard. Once I noticed him, I couldn’t stop staring, never expecting he would talk to me. For a second, he caught me watching him, and I smiled before I could stop myself. Then I stared at the ground.

  I still don’t know exactly why he chose to come up to me, but he did. We began talking and didn’t stop until the party was over. We shared stories and laughed, and while I watched him smile, I prayed that the night would never end. In a sense, it didn’t. When my friends and I left the party, I said a silent good-bye to the mystery man, accepting that we’d probably never meet again, but I couldn’t help wondering who he was. I found myself keenly interested in a stranger whose name I didn’t even know.

  It’s been several years since that night, and we’re madly in love. I can’t take a breath without thinking about him, and we’re planning a future that includes each other. Before him, I gave up on true love; I never dreamed God would give me the desires of my heart. Then Ben walked into my life and renewed my confidence in love and helped show me that God does want the best for me. I realized then why God had asked me to wait: because he had something better in mind.

  I always imagined love like this, the kind that affects every area of your life. It overflows into your smile and speaks to you without saying anything. When I was younger, I used to lie in bed and dream about the day I would meet him. Now that it’s happened, it’s even more romantic than my best fairy tale. It’s a story of a chance meeting that turned into something amazing. It was a regular Saturday night; I never planned to find him.

  ♥

  We both knew that this was it, and the closer we got, the more we disclosed. I had to tell him about my scarred past, and he had to accept that he had waited on someone who hadn’t had the same kind of patience. It was something Satan loved to run with. He would tempt us to make the same mistakes together, because, after all, I’d given myself to far less worthy men. He tempted Ben to walk away for someone with a more virtuous past. No matter how much good God has been able to do with my past, it’s still there begging to become a wound in our relationship.

  April 16

  Four months and twenty-seven days until my wedding, and I realize I’ve never had an HIV test. Ben brought it up after reading an article about HIV in America. Suddenly my world is turned upside down, fear pulsates in each heartbeat: if only I’d considered today when I made my decisions of yesterday. Fear had no place in my life when I decided to sleep with my longtime boyfriend. I was as invincible as every seventeen-year-old is. I didn’t consider the possibility that someday I’d meet Ben and have to explain why I gave my body away so carelessly. For so many years I’d been told not to have sex, but not how to handle passion. Maybe if I’d envisioned today, I’d have chosen differently. When most girls are worrying about wedding dresses and flower colors, I’m scheduling an HIV test that will decide my future. It will decide whether I have kids or not and whether I continue with my wedding. Five years later, I’m still crying for my mistakes. No amount of redemption can change my past decisions, and no amount of forgivene
ss can change the consequences. I’m praying my past doesn’t dictate my future, that I get to have my happily ever after, that I didn’t ruin my marriage for a few beers and one big, bad decision.

  This is the sex story you never hear; the movies tend to leave out this part. The couple is always quick to jump into bed, but the movie doesn’t show the unromantic parts that follow that passionate night. Maybe if teens got a greater dose of the reality of sex, they would realize it’s not quite the fairy tale they’ve imagined. The movies never show you at the doctor’s office taking a test that will decide your future. They never show you in a puddle of tears, regret spilling from your eyes. So I’ll tell you, this is the honest side of sex, the side that comes when you give your body away for some fun on Friday night. It might not affect you greatly now, but there will come a time when it will creep up on you and try to rip your future from your hands. It will try to take the happiness you were meant to have.

  A few weeks later, I went to the doctor to get an HIV test. I was shaking as the nurse drew blood. They told me they would call me in a few days. I waited for what seemed like forever for them to call, and when I saw the voice mail, I listened with anticipation. I asked my mom to call the nurse back since I was at work, and a wave of relief washed over me as she told me I was not HIV positive. I would get to have my happily ever after, after all.

  All this could have been prevented, though, and not just by my using a condom. It could have been prevented by my not having sex, and that might have been delayed, made less frequent, or maybe avoided altogether if I’d known more. Not more cold facts and statistics, more of the emotional reality. Things might have been different if I’d been told about the pain that comes with premarital sex, if someone had told me about the look your future spouse gets when you tell him you haven’t waited. Maybe things could have been different if someone had told me that once you cross that line with one boy, it’s hard to go back.

  Truthfully, I don’t know if my mind could have been changed, because the passion was just as real as the pain that followed. The feelings were real even if they weren’t real love. The challenge is that while the feelings are real, they are fleeting, and the pain that follows is not. What I really wish had been conveyed to me is that the consequences far outweigh the momentary benefits.

  Sex is embarrassing to talk about, but sitting in a doctor’s office asking for an HIV test months before your wedding is worse. The emotional emptiness of casual sex is gut wrenching, but the physical danger is terrifying. Don’t miss this: there is a lot more to sex than what society may show you or what your parents are willing or able to share. The movies only show a small portion, and magazines play up how-to advice and play down the emotional emptiness and the scary STD stats. Sex has many sides, and some of them you don’t want to see.

  Sex and Marriage

  Marital sex is laced with something that can never happen with couples who are just dating: commitment, commitment, commitment. The way I see it, there are three components that distinguish marital sex from premarital sex, and these three components can’t be had outside of marriage. They are unconditional love that comes with commitment, physical attraction that doesn’t fade with time because of commitment, and the promise to never leave because you’ve made a commitment. Now, I understand that while I write this almost half the people who’ve been married in this country have gone through a divorce, but I don’t have the knowledge or wisdom to get into that. I just know what I have experienced and what God has shown me. Yes, the world is broken and marriages are not all healthy, but I believe God designed marriages to be quite different and that God designed sex for marital commitment.

  The reason that commitment is such a huge part of sex is because you’re making yourself vulnerable to someone and asking him to love you. You can only be sure he will once you’ve proclaimed to the world that you will love no one else but this person and he has done the same. I’m not saying that marriages don’t have flaws and that they don’t end, but that doesn’t make premarital sex any more lasting. The old adage stands true: two wrongs don’t make a right.

  Let me give you the key to why I think most men want to have sex before marriage (I’m not talking about the ones who may have made a mistake; I’m talking about the guys who flat out say, “I don’t want to wait until marriage to have sex.”) Here is the key. It’s really simple, and I’m sure you don’t want to believe me, but that won’t make it any less true. Ready?

  He wants to have sex with you because he wants love, just like you. And just like you, he has a need that he was created with. But also like you, he doesn’t know what will fill that need. So he goes to you with his heart in the hopes that you might make him feel a certain way, or not feel a certain way. But the truth is if he really cared about you, if he really thought about what was best for you, then he would know that sex before marriage is not in your best interest. The consequences of premarital sex far outweigh the moments of pleasure, and if he really cared about your heart, if he was really a man like God says you deserve, he would know that sex should come with a lasting commitment. Same goes for you: if you really care about him, if you really love him, then you will be more concerned with his best interest than meeting your needs. See, guys have gotten a bad rap for not wanting to wait, but I think the same is true of girls. You can’t truly love someone that God has called you to love and think sex outside of marriage is a good idea. It can’t be justified; the consequences are too great.

  You can dress up premarital sex in fancy words and justify it with the need to have a physical connection, but it all boils down to one thing. When you strip it down to its nakedness, you’ll find this is at the core: one of you doesn’t truly have the other’s best interest at heart, and Christian or not, I think most of us can agree that real love puts the other first. Truth is, premarital sex is very selfish and really about one or both of you only wanting what you want—your needs met. I like to eat dessert before dinner. I don’t much like real food; I just like sugar, so I cheat and eat the dessert before I get my protein. Why? Because it tastes good. Wanting sex before marriage is like wanting dessert without dinner. Sex is a benefit of marriage, not a right. Marriage is not defined by sex. Sex, on the other hand, is made for marriage alone. A lot of people think of sex as a right, like freedom of speech or something. Sex is a pleasure; you won’t die without it (contrary to popular opinion), and sex is not something that’s owed to you. Because God created it as a bonus to marriage, it cannot be truly enjoyed with a completely free and trusting heart unless it comes with marriage.

  Commitment might not feel like that big of a deal, but let me promise you that when it comes to sex, it is a huge deal. Every high school has that couple where the girl is dating a good-for-nothing guy: he cheats, he’s a drunk, and he treats her like junk, but for some reason she can’t leave him. Every time they break up, it lasts about one day before they are canoodling in the halls again. Why? If I had to guess, I’d say sex is at the root of the attachment issue. She is attached to him and therefore can’t give him up. Each time she leaves him, she feels part of her heart go with him, and so she goes back for it. He couldn’t care less—he knows she’ll come back, even though everyone is looking on, telling her to drop him like a bad habit. Everyone else can see it so clearly; why can’t she? She can’t because he has a part of her. To make things worse, to literally add insult to injury, she acts like a fool for him, begging him to take her back, giving herself away like something you get out of a vending machine.

  I know because I was her. I couldn’t shake a relationship that was no good for me. I couldn’t leave him because he had a part of me that would never be returned. No matter what I did to move on, my heart was in his hands, and the only way I could have it back was by being with him. I thought I would never be whole again. I knew deep down that I was making decisions and doing things I’d always said I would never do, but the emotional draw to him clouded my thinking. Everything I did was filtered through this need to get
my heart back.

  Then I met Jesus. He replaced the parts of me that were missing with His own beating heart. He sewed the pieces in carefully. When I couldn’t walk, He carried me. When I wanted to let go, He held my hand. And when I wanted to run back to get the lost parts of me, He offered me something better. He offered me satisfaction and true love.

  It didn’t make sense. I could offer Him nothing, but He gave me everything. I can still feel the scars some days, when an old song comes on or when I hear the loud cheering at football games. I can never forget the broken shape Jesus found me in. But He didn’t leave me that way; He turned a deserted girl into a redeemed woman. I traded rags for riches, ashes for beauty, and brokenness for a whole heart.

  I call sex in the confines of marriage sacred sex. It’s my way of separating the pain I experienced with sex from the joy I now have in marital sex. There is a great difference between the two, and it’s far worth the wait. Before I got married, I had to go through a lot of counseling to be able to distinguish between the two, and I’m glad to report that once again God did miraculous things.

  Sometimes parents ask me how to prevent their teenage daughters from having sex before marriage. My advice to parents is to tell their daughters to think about having to tell their future husbands all the things they did with someone who will later mean nothing to them. When you sleep with your future husband, you’re bringing to bed everything from your past—all the abuse, neglect, pain, hurt, and lies. But you have a choice. You can make the decision now to say no and save yourself for sacred sex.