To Love Again

by E. L. Todd

  He closed his eyes for a moment, like those words wounded him right in the heart.

  I stepped away from him before he could grab me again. “Love isn’t enough. Not this time, Arsen.”

  Chapter Fifteen

  Conrad

  I was butter scraped over too much bread. There wasn’t enough of me to go around. My nephew was still in the hospital, and every day felt like an eternity. I kept waiting for that call, when someone would tell me Cedric was finally well enough to go home.

  But it never came.

  And I made a terrible mistake with Lexie. My armor grew weak and her blade slipped through. Somehow my walls came down, just a little, and that was enough for her to hurt me. I didn’t mean for it to happen, but that woman was poison to me. I couldn’t live with her, but I couldn’t live without her.

  How was that fair?

  Seeing that guy walk into her apartment like he owned the place rubbed me the wrong way. If they really did go their separate ways, it didn’t happen until recently. Lexie wasn’t mine and she was free to do what she wanted, but it hurt knowing she was screwing some guy while claiming she loved me at the same time.

  It really hurt.

  The fact the guy was good-looking and clearly in love with her didn’t help matters. In the small interaction I had with him, I could see the fire of jealousy in his eyes when he realized I slept over. He felt just as betrayed as I did.

  It was stupid to assume there weren’t other men during our time apart. I certainly got around to as many women as possible. But seeing the truth stare back at me wasn’t easy to swallow.

  How did she hurt me this much again?

  Why did I let my guard down?

  Why did I let her in?

  ***

  “You seem to be in a worse mood than usual.” Carrie walked Sassy beside me.

  Apollo walked ahead of me, but he didn’t need a leash. He never broke the radius of ten feet. “Lexie…” That was all I said. I couldn’t think of a better response.

  “And what did Lexie do?”

  “I stayed at her place the other night, and when we woke up the next morning her lover came by…”

  Carrie turned my way, the concern starting to form. “Her lover?”

  “Some guy she’s been sleeping with. It sounded like she broke it off but he doesn’t want it to end. It’s obvious he’s in love with her.” And I couldn’t blame him for feeling the way. She was easy to fall for. Maybe she had voodoo magic up her sleeve.

  “When did she break it off?”

  “She said when she saw me in that restaurant. But I don’t believe that. That was over a month ago. Why would he still be pursuing her if that were the case?”

  “Sometimes it’s hard for people to let go.”

  “Whatever,” I said. “It was stupid for me to spend time with her and I’m not making that mistake again. If she comes to my door I’ll slam it in her face.”

  “Aren’t you being a bit harsh?”

  “No.” My eyes were glued to the path.

  “You really didn’t expect her to sleep with anyone else?”

  I clenched my jaw.

  “That’s unrealistic…and sexist.”

  “Is not. How dare she tell me she loves me while she screws some guy.”

  “You were screwing me when she came around.”

  “Not the same thing and you know it.” I hated it when Carrie disagreed with me. Actually, I hated it when anyone disagreed with me.

  “How is it any different?”

  “Because I wasn’t trying to get her back. If you hadn’t left me, you’d be staying at my place tonight.”

  Carrie didn’t buy it. “If I hadn’t broken it off, you would have broken it off. We both know that.”

  “No, I wouldn’t.”

  “Yes, you would. The second you couldn’t turn Lexie away from your doorstep you would end things with me. You’re loyal and honest, Conrad. If there were ever any doubt that you could be faithful to me, you would own up to it. That’s the man I know. That’s the man who’s become my best friend.”

  I hated the fact she was right so often. Even though we hadn’t known each other that long she seemed to understand me so well. Instead of confirming her words I said nothing.

  “Cut her some slack.”

  “No.”

  “Even if she was sleeping with this guy, it obviously wasn’t serious if she broke it off.”

  “I still don’t like it.”

  “Well, it doesn’t matter that you don’t like it. Lexie did nothing wrong.”

  She let someone besides me touch her. That was wrong. She would always be mine, and mine alone. I didn’t like it when men even looked at her. The fact he kissed her and ran his hands all over her body…and was inside her made me sick.

  “How do you think she felt when she knew you were with me?”

  “I don’t care.”

  “I’m sure she felt like shit, Conrad. I’m sure her heart broke all over again.”

  “Again, I don’t care. If she wanted me to herself all she had to do was stay.”

  Carrie shook her head.

  “Without even realizing it I let my guard down with her. I feel so stupid. I made the same mistakes I vowed to never repeat.”

  “It wasn’t a mistake.”

  “Yes, it was. I got too close to the fire, and once again I got burned.”

  “You didn’t get burned,” she argued. “The warmth reminded you that you’re alive. You aren’t completely lost, Conrad. Your heart is still beating for this woman. It’s not dead like you once thought. That realization is what stings you. That’s what scares you.”

  I didn’t look at her. I didn’t like it when she was right. And I really didn’t like it when I was wrong.

  “You need to take off the armor and the defenses and just give it another try—a real try.”

  “I don’t trust her. Everyone acts like her actions are old news. People don’t seem to understand just how painful that time period was. Shit, I went all the way to Italy just to get away from everything and everyone. I had an affair with a famous model, and I got my ass kicked on the sidewalk. I spun out of control, but no one seems to care. “

  “They care, Conrad. But we also know if you gave her another chance you would be put back together.”

  “Or ripped apart.”

  “She’s sorry for what she did. She won’t make the same mistake.”

  “I don’t know about that,” I said. “She’s already had her issues. When we first got together she said she wanted something completely meaningless. Then she left me because things were getting too serious. She’s damaged goods, Carrie. And she’ll always be damaged goods.”

  “And you aren’t?” she asked.

  The path was lit by the streetlights, and the concrete was black from distant frost. My shoes slipped slightly with every step I took. “No. I’m broken goods.”

  ***

  Like I expected, Lexie showed up on my doorstep.

  “Go. Away.” I didn’t want to look at her face. The fact her lips were still kissable and her hair was soft enough to run my fingers through just pissed me off more.

  “I ended it with him the night I saw you in that restaurant. That’s the honest truth.”

  I shut the door in her face. Just before I locked it, she pushed it open and entered the apartment.

  “He didn’t mean anything to me, Conrad. He was just somebody to chase away the loneliness. You did the exact same thing and you know it.”

  “Because I was depressed that you left me. Actually, I was out of my mind. I was so desperate to return to a normal life that I slept with anything that moved. I tried to find a woman to spend the night with so I could actually get some sleep. Every night when I closed my eyes I tried to pretend the warm body beside me was you.”

  The guilt flooded her eyes.

  “I can’t do this, Lexie. I’m not even sure what we were doing before, but I don’t want to do it again. You still have so much
power over me, the ability to hurt me with the snap of your fingers, and I’m not going through that again.”

  “You have the power to hurt me too, Conrad. You think it was easy for me to see you with Carrie?”

  “A lot easier than it was for me,” I jabbed. “You’re the one who left, after all.”

  She changed the conversation. “I’m not going to hurt you, Conrad. I promise.”

  “And I should just take your word for it?” I asked incredulously.

  “Yes. I wouldn’t be working so hard to make this work if I were going to throw you away again. I know I messed up and I won’t make excuses for that. But now that I’ve seen my life without you I know I don’t want to feel that way again. I want the big house in the country. I want two kids running around the yard. I want to see you pull into the driveway every day when you get off work. That’s what I want…so much.”

  I still had the same dream even if I wouldn’t admit it. Every time I pictured my future, Lexie was always in it. It was never another woman, and it was never no woman either. It was always her. “Because I’m one of the wealthiest men in the country? Because I can buy you whatever you want and give you the life most women dream of?”

  Her face immediately fell in sadness. “Don’t insult me.”

  “After the way you left me, I don’t know who you are anymore.”

  “You’re just saying that bullshit so I’ll leave. Conrad, you know your money means nothing to me. I just want you, even if we lived in a damn goat hunt on the top of a mountain.”

  “And had all our money in a Swiss bank account.”

  Her eyes burned in fire. “Knock it off. You’re just trying to pick a fight with me so I’ll leave.”

  “Then just leave so we can skip the fight.” My body needed to reject her, to get rid of her. She was my downfall, my destruction. I couldn’t let her get too close to me. She would burn me alive.

  “I’m not leaving, Conrad. When will you understand that I’m not leaving and I’ll never leave?”

  “Probably never,” I snapped.

  She came closer to me, that fire still in her eyes. “I’m not giving up on you. You can tell me to leave. You can even push me out of your front door, but I’ll just come back. You still love me. You can deny it but I see it when you look at me. I saw it when you followed me home a few weeks ago. I saw it when Nathan came to my apartment that morning. It’s written all over your face. Maybe you think you’re hiding it but you aren’t.”

  I held her gaze and suddenly felt weak. When I thought I was hiding all my emotions under the surface I’d actually been parading them around like a flag. I wanted to lie and say all of that was false, but I knew it would be pointless.

  “We can take this as slow as you want. However you want to do this, that’s how we’ll do it. But we are doing something. You can label it or not label it, but you and I are together. We’re working on this relationship, and one day we’ll move past this and be what we once were—but stronger. I love you Conrad Michael Preston and you love me. You’re the only thing that fills my heart. I will spend every day trying to make up for what I did. But you have to let me do that.”

  I clenched my fists by my sides and felt the heat from my skin.

  Lexie examined my face, looking for any kind of reaction.

  “I broke down on the sidewalk outside of PIXEL after I was jumped by Georgia Price’s husband. When he left I realized I hit rock bottom. I fell to my knees and burst into tears. I cried my heart out, not because of the scars and wounds all over my body, but because I knew there was nothing I could possibly do to get rid of the pain in my heart. I loved you with everything I had, and the fact you disappeared without an explanation shattered me everywhere. I loved you so much that you actually destroyed me. I spent months trying to get over you but nothing worked. That tells me you ruined me, truly ruined me. You hurt me so much I’ve never been able to come back from that, but that only happened because I was insanely in love with you. So, is this even possible? Can I be with someone who destroyed me? Or can I let go of the woman who I loved enough that I allowed her to destroy me?”

  Lexie took a deep breath and her eyes watered. She sniffed quietly while she watched me, my pain reflected in her eyes. She felt my pain in the air and it burned her skin. Whenever I told her how broken I was, she fell apart right in front of my eyes. Those were the times when I thought she truly cared, that she really regretted what she had done to me. And it was a rare moment when I actually had hope that this could work, that we could somehow find our way back to each other.

  ***

  I hung up the phone then turned back to my computer. Dad and Sean were doing less and less with every passing day. Now they just golfed, went out to lunch, and played Scrabble on their phones. I wasn’t sure why they wouldn’t officially retire. They weren’t doing anything anyway.

  Sean was usually at the hospital every single day, and Dad was there just as often. I wish I could be there but I was stuck running this empire. It made me realize the weight of my responsibility. If I weren’t there, how would things go on? Skye would normally be there to help me out, but what if we both had a crisis on our hands at the same time? What would we do then?

  Just when my thoughts went deeper the door opened and Lexie appeared. She was still in her work clothes, wearing a tight pencil skirt that outlined the curved of her hips and a form-fitting blouse. It highlighted the swell of her breasts. Her hair was in loose curls and they trailed down her chest.

  I tried not to stare at her but it was difficult. I didn’t want my attraction to be written all over my face. Somehow, I always melted for this girl, turning into a pile on the floor.

  “Hi…” She approached my desk and gave me a pretty smile.

  “Hi.” I kept my guard up because she was the most dangerous thing on the planet.

  “Do you want to get lunch?”

  We hadn’t done that since we used to be together. Doing something so normal put me on edge. I hadn’t committed to making this work, but I also didn’t have the strength to turn away from her. I was doomed.

  She tilted her head when I didn’t answer. “It’s just lunch, Conrad.”

  “Maybe to you…”

  She held her hands together at her waist. “How about I grab lunch and bring it back here?”

  Too intimate. “No.”

  “Then do you want to go out and get lunch?”

  That was too much pressure. It made it seem like we were in a relationship, meeting each other at lunchtime because we couldn’t stand to be apart. It reminded me of happier times, but that only made me sad. “No.”

  She nodded her head slowly. “Okay…then we won’t get lunch.”

  I turned back to my computer and hoped she would leave.

  “Maybe another time.”

  I didn’t respond.

  “I’ll see you later then.” She headed to the door.

  Against my will, my eyes moved to her perky ass. I missed the way I used to feel her cheeks against my dick when I spooned her from behind. It was always warm and soft, and it got me hard every time.

  I was hard now.

  She turned around when she reached the door, and she caught my look.

  I turned away and tried to act like I hadn’t been staring.

  “Want to get a drink after work?”

  That sounded too much like a date. “No.”

  Lexie hid her sadness. She didn’t try to change my mind. “Maybe some other time.” She was being patient with me, letting me have full reign over what we did and when we did it.

  “Maybe.”

  “Have a good day, Conrad.” She shut the door behind her and walked away.

  I stared at the door and released a deep sigh. I was relieved she left, but I was also miserable the second she was gone. I wanted her as much as I hated her. And I wondered if I would always want her and hate her.

  ***

  When I opened my eyes it was 2:13 am. I always woke up at this time of night then
couldn’t get back to sleep for another three hours. On top of that, it took me an hour to fall asleep to begin with.

  Why couldn’t I just get some sleep?

  I had a meeting in the morning, and I really didn’t want to yawn in the middle of it like last time. But nothing I did helped me sleep. I even resorted to taking Nyquil before bed but I’d become sensitized to it. I tried melatonin but that did absolutely nothing.

  There was only one thing that helped.

  I’d slept with Lexie a few times, and whenever that happened I slept all night like a baby. Somehow, my body understood she was beside me, and it also knew who she was. I tried substituting Lexie for some random girl, and that helped a little, but I still didn’t get the sleep I needed.

  She was the only thing that worked.

  Desperate, I texted her. Are you awake?

  No.

  I smiled involuntarily. You text in your sleep?

  I’m pretty talented.

  I can’t sleep. I didn’t directly ask her to spend the night with me, but I hoped she would offer on her own.

  I can sleep, but it doesn’t feel as good when you aren’t here.

  My thumb hesitated before I typed the next message. Can I come over? I have a meeting in the morning and I really need to catch some Z’s.

  You know you can come over whenever you want.

  I liked knowing she was mine even if I wasn’t hers. It didn’t make any sense and it was a terrible way of looking at the situation, but I could only work on our relationship if I weren’t risking anything. She had to put all her chips in if we were going to play the game. I’ll be there soon.

  ***

  When I walked inside her apartment she was wearing a long t-shirt. I couldn’t tell if she was wearing shorts underneath but I hoped she wasn’t. Her hair was messy like she’d been tossing and turning all night.

  She stared at me in the darkness of her apartment. She didn’t say anything and it didn’t seem like she was going to say anything.

  Now that I was in front of her I didn’t know what to say. She looked so beautiful, her face free of make up and her lips full and kissable. I had the sudden urge to dig my hand into her hair and grip her so tightly she would scream. Somehow, I kept my hands at my sides. But my heart rate had picked up and my palms were sweaty.