A Kiss by Candlelight

by Joanna Mansell

  ‘Do you suppose we’ll be able to get off of here tomorrow?’ she asked hopefully.

  Nicholas came over and stood behind her. ‘You’re very anxious to get away from this island,’ he commented. ‘Or are you just anxious to get away from me?’ he enquired more softly. When Cathryn didn’t answer, he edged a little closer. ‘It’s still cold,’ he pointed out smoothly. ‘Do you think we ought to sleep on the sofa again tonight?’

  ‘I’ll be fine in my own room,’ she replied at once, very firmly. ‘All I’ll need are a couple of extra blankets.’

  ‘Sure?’

  Was that regret in his voice? Cathryn couldn’t be certain. But she wasn’t going to let him talk her into something that she would be bound to regret later.

  ‘Absolutely sure,’ she said, and hoped she had managed to put enough conviction into her tone.

  ‘Would you like to know something rather odd?’ remarked Nicholas. ‘Last night, I slept better than I have for months. No nightmares, no waking up in a cold sweat—and all without the help of pills. Why do you suppose that was?’

  ‘I’ve no idea,’ Cathryn said a little warily.

  ‘Nor have I.’ And he did sound genuinely puzzled.

  To her relief, he then moved away from her, as if he needed some time to himself to think it over. Taking advantage of his suddenly introspective mood, Cathryn grabbed a candle and scuttled towards the kitchen.

  ‘I’ll go and see if I can find something for supper,’ she called back over her shoulder.

  To her annoyance, Nicholas gave a low chuckle, as if he knew perfectly well that she was running away from him. She spent ages in the kitchen, and her feet dragged with reluctance when she finally made her way back to the lounge. As she walked through the doorway, she decided she didn’t like the soft, flickering glow of the candles. There was something altogether too intimate about candlelight!

  After they had eaten supper and she finally announced she was going up to bed, though, Nicholas let her go with no more than a brief ‘Goodnight’. Cathryn was so astonished that she hovered in the doorway for a few moments, not quite able to believe he was going to let her go without any hassle. He didn’t say another word, though, and so she finally heaved a deep sigh of relief and scurried up the stairs.

  She washed in cold water by the light of a candle, and then gritted her teeth as she got into the freezing bed. For just an instant she found herself wistfully remembering how warm and cosy it had been, curled up on that sofa with Nicholas. Then she sternly pushed the memory right out of her head.

  For quite some time she lay there in the darkness, listening rather tensely. She still half expected to hear a soft tap on her door, and was shocked to find she was almost disappointed when it didn’t happen.

  She turned on to her side and resolutely closed her eyes. Of course you’re not disappointed! she lectured herself sternly. Stop thinking about Nicholas Ellis and get to sleep.

  Eventually she managed to doze off, and didn’t wake up again until daylight. A quick glance out of the window revealed that the wind had died down completely and the sea looked almost flat. It was raining, though. In fact, not just raining, but bucketing down.

  Under the canopy of dark cloud, the island looked distinctly gloomy. That rather suited Cathryn’s mood, which this morning was as bleak as the weather. She didn’t know why, either. She was just aware that she felt out of sorts, as if something in her life wasn’t quite right.

  That’s hardly surprising, she muttered to herself. Nothing’s really been right since you met Nicholas.

  She decided to put him out of her mind for as long as possible. Not that that would be too long, she thought with a fresh wave of depression. She was bound to bump into him as soon as she went downstairs.

  She began to turn away from the window, but at the last moment a flicker of movement caught her attention. She peered more closely through the rain-streaked glass, and realised that someone was moving around on the hillside behind the house.

  Not just someone. Nicholas! What on earth was he doing out there in the pouring rain?

  He began to head back to the house. Without thinking, Cathryn dashed downstairs to meet him, forgetting that she was still wearing just her nightshirt. She held the door open for him as he limped up the path, and almost dragged him inside.

  ‘Are you crazy?’ she demanded. ‘Look at you! You’re soaked. And you’ve only been out of hospital for a few days! Are you trying to get pneumonia?’

  ‘No,’ replied Nicholas in a very practical tone of voice. ‘I’ve been trying to raise the yellow flag, to let people on the mainland know that we need picking up. And I finally managed it.’

  ‘You’re mad,’ Cathryn said flatly. ‘Getting drenched to the skin just for the sake of some stupid flag.’

  ‘You’re the one who wants to get off this island,’ Nicholas reminded her. ‘I’d be quite happy to stay here for a few more days.’

  ‘Are you saying that you did it for me?’ she said hotly. ‘And I suppose I’ll get all the blame when you get whipped back e into hospital with some fever! Oh, look at you,’ she half groaned. ‘You’re already shivering. Get those wet clothes off and move nearer the fire.’

  Nicholas must have lit the fire before he went out because the logs were blazing brightly. He pulled off his sopping-wet jumper, and then raised one eyebrow as Cathryn began to drag open the buttons of his shirt.

  She caught his gaze and flushed brightly. ‘Er—you finish this,’ she said very hurriedly. ‘I’ll—I’ll fetch some towels.’

  By the time she came back Nicholas had stripped down to his underpants, which made her colour even more vividly.

  ‘If I’d known you were going to get this confused, I’d have undressed in the bathroom,’ he said with some amusement.

  ‘I’m not confused! I’m just—‘

  ‘Just what?’ he questioned her with some interest, the tone of his voice suddenly beginning to change.

  ‘Nothing,’ she muttered. She tossed the towels over to him. ‘Here, use these.’

  He wound one round his waist, and used the other to roughly towel-dry his hair. And all the time he kept looking at her in a way that made her want to turn tail and run. Only she didn’t. Something seemed to keep her rooted to the spot.

  Nicholas finished towelling his hair, and ran his fingers through it to smooth down its ruffled darkness. Cathryn watched, him with uneasy fascination. What was it about this man that had so begun to interest her?

  His green gaze was still locked on to her, and there was a new darkness in it now. Then it altered again, catching fire this time, so that the colour of his eyes blazed out amid the gloom of the day.

  Cathryn tried to swallow, but suddenly her throat wouldn’t work. Hazy presentiments of danger began to form inside her head as a lot of loose ends began to drift together, to form a pattern. And the pattern was one that she definitely didn’t want to see.

  Just two nights ago, she had recognised how devastating it would be to fall in love with a man like this.

  But what if it had already happened?

  It couldn’t have! she told herself in a panic. There hadn’t been time. Anyway, she would have known—would have stopped it.

  Stopped it? mocked a small voice inside her head. How?

  She didn’t know. She was beginning to feel as if she didn’t know anything any more. Perhaps that was why she didn’t move when Nicholas took two limping but swift steps over to her.

  ‘It’s a funny sort of morning, isn’t it?’ he said in a husky voice. ‘In fact, it’s been a funny couple of days. And right now, although I know perfectly well that I shouldn’t, all I seem to want to do is kiss you. Then keep on kissing you until you’re ready to do just about whatever I ask. And I’m beginning to want a great deal,’ he went on in an increasingly thick tone.

  ‘I don’t think-—‘ Cathryn somehow got out.

  ‘I don’t care what you think,’ he said a little roughly. ‘Do you understand that? At this
particular moment, I simply don’t care.

  Cathryn understood only too well. An unexpected recklessness filled her own veins. She couldn’t remember ever feeling like this before. It scared her half to death and yet somehow exhilarated her.

  Not that she had too much time to think about it. Nicholas was already bending his head and taking the kiss that he wanted. Except that he couldn’t stop at one kiss. His mouth burned on hers, over and over, as if she were some kind of drug that he had just discovered and couldn’t leave alone.

  Her hands touched him, tentatively at first, and then a little more frantically. She could feel his muscles tensing under his still damp skin; she heard the breath catch again, and then again, in his throat.

  His mouth slid down the side of her throat, and where once before it had lightly scorched her, now it branded her. He seemed to be leaving the stamp of his possessiveness all over her.

  Possessiveness? she wondered dazedly. But she had the feeling that Nicholas was never possessive about anything—or anyone.

  There was no more chance to wonder about it. He scooped her up and, despite his injuries, seemed to lift her easily on to the sofa. He was breathing more heavily, but she had the feeling that it wasn’t from the few brief moments of exertion.

  Nicholas stretched himself out beside her and his eyes glistened brightly. ‘Just like the other night,’ he murmured. ‘Only not quite the same, Cathryn.’

  It always seemed to do something to her when he spoke her name, and this was no exception. It made her more vulnerable to him and he seemed to know it, because he said it again. ‘Cathryn.’ The syllables slipped silkily off his tongue and a new warmth glowed inside her.

  The small buttons on her nightshirt were the only obstacles in his way now, and he disposed of them with ease. She couldn’t tell him to stop because he was already kissing her again, the subtle movements of his tongue somehow co-ordinating with the movements of his fingers as they slid down over the warm swell of her breast. Disturbing sensations fluttered inside her, fanned into life by the warmth of him, the scent of him, his gathering closeness as he restlessly moved against her.

  This was a very different Nicholas from the bad-tempered man she had known at Sir Charles’s flat; or the more relaxed and sometimes even good-humoured person she had come to know since they had been on the island. This man was like a chameleon, she thought a little despairingly. And this was his most dangerous guise of all!

  She didn’t know what had brought on this abrupt change of mood, but she did know where he was very single-mindedly heading. Nor could she seem to do anything about it. When she rather halfheartedly pushed his hands away from one part of her, they instantly moved on to another, even more rawly sensitive curve of her flesh. He seemed only too aware that she didn’t really want him to stop. His tongue tickled and teased, and his fingers slid relentlessly into soft, warm, intimate places, arousing vivid sensations that made her shiver deeply.

  Then Nicholas lifted his head for an instant. ‘Touch me,’ he ordered huskily.

  Cathryn didn’t even consider disobeying his urgent instruction. His body was hot and hard, his skin damp and supple under her own searching fingertips. She traced out the patterns of scars new and old, and he kissed away her dismay at finding just how many of them there were.

  Then he returned his attention to her breasts, lingering over their swollen fullness until she really thought she couldn’t stand the exquisite bursts of pleasure for one moment longer.

  Nicholas raised his head again and she could see the deep flare of colour along his cheekbones, the wild glitter in his eyes and the taut line of his mouth. His body was tense and hard against hers, with small shivers running through him, forerunners of a much greater pleasure. She half closed her eyes in a dazed, sensual anticipation of what was about to happen. She was beyond thinking about it, or wondering at it. She just knew that it seemed right. She was still amazed that the cool, unresponsive Cathryn could want this man so much, but that was all part of the mystery. And perhaps afterwards she would understand it a little better...

  Nothing happened, though, and Cathryn very slowly opened her eyes again. She found Nicholas was staring down at her with a blaze of deep frustration on his face, and she gazed back at him uneasily.

  ‘What is it?’ she whispered.

  ‘Do you know how gorgeous and desirable you look right now?’ he said abruptly. Then he rather shakily ran his fingers through his hair. ‘For a moment there, I thought I wasn’t going to be able to stop. That’s never happened to me before. I’ve always been good at self-control. Too damned good, perhaps.’

  ‘Why—?’ Her voice came out so croaky that she had to try again. ‘Why do you have to stop?’

  ‘Because I can’t do this,’ Nicholas said roughly. ‘You’re looking up at me so trustingly, so lovingly, and it’s making me feel like a complete bastard because I’m offering you nothing in return. Nothing.’ He moved away from her and sat on the edge of the sofa, his head bent against his locked hands so that she couldn’t see his face.

  Cathryn didn’t know what to say to him. There were a lot of words inside her, but they seemed to be stuck in her throat. She just couldn’t get them out. In the end, she somehow managed to stand up on her shaking legs.

  ‘Perhaps I’d better go and get dressed,’ she said in a voice that came out with amazing steadiness.

  ‘Yes, I think you’d better,’ Nicholas agreed, still not looking at her.

  Cathryn walked over to the doorway. Then she turned round and looked at him, ‘I think that you were offering me something,’ she said quietly. ‘It’s just that you couldn’t see it.’ Then she went up to her room, where she sat on the edge of the bed for a very long time, staring rather blindly into the distance.

  What was happening to her? How had she got into this situation? And what did she want from Nicholas Ellis?

  Far more than he would ever be prepared to give her, she acknowledged to herself wearily. That was the real problem. It would still have been a problem even if he hadn’t stopped himself from actually making love to her.

  And she was ready to admit that she hadn’t wanted him to stop. Cathryn was always painfully honest, even with herself. She wanted to know this man so much better. He wouldn’t let her get through to him, though. He was so self-contained, so fiercely independent. He didn’t intend to let himself ever love or need someone.

  When she at last found the nerve to go downstairs again, she found that Nicholas was fully dressed and sitting by the window. He looked up at her as she came in, and then lifted his dark eyebrows in a gesture of unexpected regret.

  ‘I suppose this is where I apologise for what happened.’

  ‘There’s absolutely no need for that,’ Cathryn replied levelly.

  ‘Isn’t there?’ For a moment, his gaze caught and held hers. Unexpectedly, he was the one who then looked away, as if he found the contact between them uncomfortable.

  Cathryn looked at him sadly. Could she really have fallen in love with a man who didn’t want to be loved?

  It was beginning to look as if the answer was yes. Idiot! she lectured herself a little despairingly. Why choose someone like Nicholas Ellis? Someone you knew you could never have?

  She sighed. She supposed that few people actually chose to fall in love. It just happened, like the proverbial bolt from the blue. And she definitely felt as if she had been hit by something! She couldn’t remember ever being so shaky, so uncertain, so downright disturbed.

  Nicholas was gazing out of the window again. Cathryn thought at first that he wanted to avoid looking at her. Then she realised he was looking at the sea. ‘There’s a boat coming in this direction,’ he said a few moments later. ‘Someone must have seen the yellow flag.’

  ‘You mean, we’re finally going to get off the island?’

  ‘It looks like it. You’d better start to get your things together. Then we can leave straight away.’

  ‘Just like that?’ She hadn’t meant to say a
ny such thing, but the words just slipped out.

  Nicholas finally turned to face her. ‘It’s what you want, isn’t it?’ he challenged her bluntly.

  And Cathryn didn’t have the courage to blurt out that she wasn’t sure what she wanted any more, that part of her stupidly longed to be marooned here with him for a couple more days.

  ‘Yes, it’s what I want,’ she said at last, in a flat voice. What was the point in telling him the truth? He obviously didn’t want to hear it.

  In what seemed to Cathryn like a remarkably short time, she was sitting in the boat of one of the local fishermen, and heading back to the mainland. She and Nicholas hadn’t exchanged another word. She watched the island slowly retreating into the distance, and knew that, although she hadn’t enjoyed her stay there, she was almost, sorry to leave it. And she felt as if she might like to come back again one day. Of course, she never would, she reminded herself quickly. Nicholas was hardly likely to issue an open invitation!

  Sir Charles’s car was standing just where they had left it. While Nicholas put their luggage in the back, Cathryn slid behind the wheel.

  She realised that she didn’t feel at all like the same person who had driven down from London just a couple of days ago. She only hoped she could get back to some semblance of normality once she was back among familiar surroundings.

  Nicholas got in beside her. ‘Let’s go,’ he said briefly.

  Cathryn switched on the ignition, revved up the powerful engine a couple of times, and then headed the car in the direction of home.

  It had stopped raining, but the sky was still overcast. A heavy gloom seemed to hang over the countryside, which precisely matched her mood. Nicholas didn’t seem inclined to talk, and when she risked a quick glance at him she discovered that he was frowning.

  After they had been on the road for a couple of hours, she decided it was time to break the silence.

  ‘Do you want to stop for something to eat?’ she asked.

  ‘I’m not hungry. Not for food,’ he said rather abruptly.