Sweet Things

by JA Armstrong

  “You don’t wanna be!” CJ cried.

  “CJ…”

  “You don’t wanna be my mommy!” CJ ran back toward the stairs leaving Carrie stunned.

  Tom grabbed hold of Carrie’s arms to steady her. “Carrie. Hey, she’s just overwhelmed.”

  Carrie shook her head. “I…”

  Devon had gone outside to carry a few things in from the car. She walked into the room and caught sight of Carrie’s face. “What happened?”

  Carrie looked at Devon helplessly.

  “My granddaughter apparently thinks Carrie is her mother,” Lorraine offered.

  Carrie’s eyes closed regretfully. She’d never seen CJ so upset. She had no idea what to say or do.

  Devon ignored Dar’s mother. “Carrie?”

  Carrie shook her head.

  Tom looked at the stairs. “I’ll talk to her.”

  “No, I should go,” Carrie said. “I just don’t know what to say.”

  Tom smiled. “Tell her the truth.”

  Carrie shook her head.

  “Carrie,” he said. “It’s okay. Trust me, please?” He pulled Carrie into a hug. “She needs you to be that,” he whispered.

  “I’m not.”

  “You are,” he said. “In every way that matters. Dar knew that. CJ needs to know that you are okay with her loving you that way.”

  Carrie took a deep breath. Tom and Devon both smiled at her. There’s a lot you don’t know,” he said. He glanced over to watch Carrie ascend the stairs. “There’s a lot she doesn’t know yet either.” He looked back at Lorraine. “As far as what just happened? Carrie is the one parent that has always been there for CJ—always. Not even Dar would have argued with that. This isn’t about Darlene. It’s not about me,” he said. “It’s not even about Carrie. It’s about CJ. If you can’t understand that, then maybe you shouldn’t be here.”

  Devon decided to intervene. Emotions were running high; that meant that words could be exchanged that would be regretted later. “Okay,” Devon said. “Come on, everyone is tired. It’s been a long day already.” She looked at Lorraine. “I happen to know that Carrie has a bottle of Dar’s favorite wine in the kitchen. How about we go open it?”

  Lorraine sighed.

  Devon smiled. “Come on, I’ll buy you some of my free food.”

  Lorraine nodded.

  Devon leaned into Tom’s ear. “Do me a favor?”

  “I’ll give them a minute, and head up there,” he promised.

  “Thanks.”

  ***

  Carrie walked into CJ’s room to find CJ curled up on her bed, hugging her pillow. Dakota was trying to comfort her friend.

  “Dakota,” Carrie addressed her niece. “Can I talk to CJ for a minute?”

  Dakota looked at Carrie sadly. She nodded.

  “Thank you.” Carrie grasped Dakota’s shoulder. “CJ is lucky to have you as her friend,” she whispered. “Grandma is downstairs with Aunt Dev.”

  Dakota nodded again and left the room.

  Carrie sucked in a deep breath and made her way to CJ’s bed. She sat down and put her hand on CJ’s back. “CJ,” she called gently. CJ continued to sob. “Oh, sweetheart, please don’t cry. I hate it when you cry.”

  “You don’t wanna be,” CJ cried.

  Carrie laid down beside CJ. “You know,” she said. “I loved your mommy very much, and she loved you very much.”

  CJ clung to her pillow.

  “And, I know you love her too.”

  CJ whimpered.

  “But,” Carrie said. “I will tell you a secret.”

  CJ peered over the corner of her pillow at Carrie.

  Carrie smiled. “I could never love anyone more than I love you,” she said.

  CJ threw herself into Carrie. “I want you.”

  “Oh, CJ, you have me, sweetheart. I love you so much. Anyone would be lucky to be your mom.”

  “You.”

  Carrie began to cry.

  “You can be,” CJ said.

  Carrie held CJ close. She had no idea what to say.

  “Pwease?”

  “Oh, CJ, I would love to be your mom.” That was the truth. Maybe that would be enough. Carrie held CJ while CJ cried. “Shh,” Carrie cooed. “No more tears,” she said. “I’m right here, sweetheart.”

  “Forevah?’

  “And ever,” Carrie promised. She brushed CJ’s bangs out of her eyes. “Now, I will bet that Dakota is worried about you. How about if I have her come up here and bring a little snack for you while you play?”

  “In my room?”

  Carrie had made the rule that food stayed downstairs. She was aware that Devon frequently snuck CJ treats in bed, however. “I think we can make an exception today.”

  CJ smiled. “Can I stay?”

  “I’ll talk to Daddy, okay?” Carrie kissed CJ’s head. She walked to the door and looked back at the little girl sitting on the bed. I wish I was, CJ.

  “Hey,” Tom caught Carrie as she was about to walk down the stairs. “Have a minute?”

  Carrie nodded. She led Tom to the spare room at the end of the hall. “I didn’t know what to say,” she confessed.

  “Can I ask you something?”

  “Sure.”

  Tom sat on the edge of the bed. “Do you miss CJ when she’s not here?”

  “Of course,” Carrie said. “That’s not…”

  “Stop,” he said. “You know, Dar and I always agreed that if anything ever happened to us, we would want CJ to be with you.”

  Carrie smiled. She did know that.

  “I made some calls yesterday.”

  “Calls?”

  Tom nodded. “I wanted to talk to you about this next week—give you a little time to get through all of this.”

  “Talk to me about what?” Carrie asked.

  Tom hesitated to continue.

  “Tommy?”

  “Carrie, I want to know if you will accept co-guardianship of CJ.”

  Carrie was stunned. “I…”

  “I spoke to my attorney about it. With Dar gone, that leaves me as her sole guardian. I can’t do it alone.”

  “Tommy,” Carrie began cautiously. “Who says you will be alone forever?”

  “I can’t even think about that.”

  “I know, but I have to,” Carrie said.

  “Even if that did happen, it wouldn’t change this,” he said.

  Carrie smiled. “I wish that were true.”

  “It is true,” he said assuredly. He stood and paced the room slightly. “It can’t change,” he said. “This is about CJ.” He laughed. “If you weren’t with Dev, I swear, I would just suggest we get married.”

  Carrie chuckled. “That would bring new meaning to the term ‘Marriage of Convenience,’ don’t you think?”

  “Maybe. You know what I mean.”

  “I suppose I do,” Carrie confessed.

  “I do love you,” he said. “You’re my best friend. Dar loved you too, you know?”

  Carrie tried unsuccessfully to smile.

  “She did,” he repeated. “I think she loved you more than anyone in the world.”

  “I don’t think that…”

  “No, I know that you don’t. She did. The truth is I think she was probably in love with you.”

  It wasn’t the first time someone had suggested to Carrie that Dar’s feelings for her had run deeper than friendship. She continued to think the assessment was ridiculous. “We were best friends.”

  “Yeah. You can’t see it. Probably because she could never say it,” he said. “I loved her, Carrie. I still love her.”

  “I know.”

  “Part of her was always distant. One thing I do know, she loved watching you with CJ.”

  Carrie had never heard that.

  “She did. She said more than once that she wondered how it was she ended up with CJ and you still were not a mom.”

  “Dar was too hard on herself sometimes.” Carrie had entertained the notion that Dar’s fear of i
nadequacy had helped her to run off the rails.

  “She was,” he agreed. “Listen,” he said. “Carrie, I know that you love CJ like she’s yours.”

  “I love CJ. She’s not mine.”

  Tom nodded. He’d expected that response. “Let me ask you something else.”

  Carrie waited.

  “If you did have to take CJ—if something happened to me—would you be her mother then?”

  “I’d do my best to fill that role.”

  Tom smiled. “Then why can’t you do that now?”

  “Because you are here,” she replied honestly. “And, Dar…”

  Tom handed Carrie a small journal.

  “What is this?” Carrie asked.

  “It’s Dar’s. I found it in the drawer next to her bed. I wanted to make sure anything personal was gone before Lorraine went in.”

  Carrie stared at the small leather book in her hand.

  “I think you should read it,” he said. “I probably shouldn’t have. I just… I…”

  “I get it.”

  “Read it. Think about what I’m saying, then decide.”

  “Tommy, this is all so fresh. I don’t think you should make any…”

  Tom sat back down next to Carrie and took her hands. “One thing we both know, anything can happen. I never thought we’d bury Dar first.”

  “Me neither.”

  “This might sound crazy; I don’t think this is something we can decide. It’s already been decided. Maybe this is the way it’s supposed to be. I don’t know. I do know that as far as CJ is concerned, you are her mother—the mother she needs. And, Carrie? That’s not because Dar is gone. CJ loves her mommy—she does love Dar, but I told you a while ago; you’re the one she trusts. I would never change that, even if I could. Dar and me… Well, we made our choices—both of us. Some of those choices weren’t the best for CJ. She needs us all now. She needs you most of all. Just think about it. It might not be the usual thing. When has it ever been usual in our lives?”

  Carrie chuckled then sobered. “Tom… I don’t want to take anything away from…”

  “From who? From me? From Dar? From some future woman who may or may never appear? Carrie, not being the mom that CJ wants you to be won’t take anything away from us. It will take something from CJ—something she desperately needs. Think about it, okay? Read that.” He pointed to the journal. “If it helps, I think it’s what Dar would want too.”

  Carrie stared at the journal as Tom made his way to the door.

  “By the way,” he said. “Any kid would be lucky to have you.”

  Carrie choked back her tears. I hope so.

  ***

  Carrie sat with Dar’s journal in her lap. She stared at it. Reading it felt like an intrusion. She was curious, and she knew there were reasons Tom wanted her to see it. She opened it slowly and began to read.

  ***

  “Auntie Deb?”

  “Yeah, monkey?”

  “Is Auntie mad?”

  Devon was confused. “Mad? Why would your auntie be mad?”

  “Cause.”

  “Because why?” Devon prodded.

  “Cause I told Grandma.”

  “Because you told Grandma that you think of Auntie Carrie like a mom?”

  CJ nodded.

  “No, sweetie; Auntie Carrie isn’t mad at all.”

  CJ’s tearful glance tugged at Devon’s heartstrings. She jostled herself onto the bed and pulled CJ between her legs. “Auntie Carrie loves you, CJ. I love you too.”

  “She cwied.”

  “Auntie cried?”

  CJ nodded.

  “Well, you know, she misses your mom a lot. She loved her big bunches too.”

  “Yeah.”

  “She’s not mad; I promise.”

  “I wanna stay here.”

  Devon closed her eyes. “You’d miss Daddy.”

  “He can visit.”

  Devon chuckled. You certainly are persistent. She also began to wonder if they had all missed something. “CJ? Did something happen to make you think that you couldn’t stay here anymore?”

  CJ wiggled.

  Shit. Let me guess who said something—Lorraine. “You can tell me,” Devon said.

  “Grandma says I gots to stay wif Daddy now.”

  “That doesn’t mean you can’t spend time here,” Devon said.

  “Not when you get one.”

  “Get one?” Devon was confused.

  “A baby.”

  “A baby?” Devon was shocked. It was common knowledge that she and Carrie wanted a family. She hadn’t considered that Dar’s mother realized that as well. She certainly had never entertained the notion that Lorraine Knowles would discuss it with CJ—for any reason.

  CJ wiggled again.

  Devon kissed CJ’s head. “CJ, even if Auntie and I had a baby, this would still be your room and we would still want you to spend time here.”

  CJ sighed.

  “Monkey? What else did Grandma say?”

  “You get one Mommy.”

  Devon groaned inwardly. Idiot. What’s wrong with some people? She took a deep breath. Now, how do I explain this to a four-year-old? “CJ….”

  ***

  “Sometimes, I don’t know what to say to her. Carrie’s been my best friend forever. Maybe longer than forever. She’s been a better friend to me than I’ve been to her. How am I supposed to tell her everything? I can’t tell her. She’d say that I can tell her anything. I can’t tell her this. That’s why I bought this stupid journal. She used to write in one of these things every night when we were in college. I peeked in it once. Okay, maybe twice.

  Carrie snickered. “I don’t believe it.”

  “She had a crush on Madeline Andrews. Who gets a crush on someone named Madeline?”

  Carrie laughed. “I seem to recall you drooling over some guy named Rufus once.”

  “Maybe some part of me hopes she does the same thing and reads this stupid thing so I don’t have to tell her.”

  Carrie bit her lip. “Oh, Dar.”

  “Here goes. Am I supposed to write this in a letter? Jesus, I need a Dummies book to write in a fucking journal! See? This is why I need her. She knows how to figure all this stuff out, all the important things.”

  Carrie’s heart lurched. “I wish that were true. I can’t seem to figure anything out these days.”

  “The truth is I love her. Maybe I am in love with her. Tommy said that to me once after a fight. I told him he was crazy. I do. I love Carrie. I think I will always love Carrie. I also know that we aren’t ever going to be more than best friends. That’s who we are. It’s not like I lie awake fantasizing about her. It’s not that kind of love. I’ve had that. That’s not it. Maybe that’s my problem. I don’t get it. No one matters to me more than her and no one pisses her off more than me.”

  Carrie chuckled through some tears.

  “I wish I could tell her, but I don’t know what to say. She’s happy now with her hash slinger. I’m happy for her. I really am. God knows, she’s waited a long time to find someone. I wondered if she ever would. Her life has been work and CJ for the last four years. I wonder how that will change. Sometimes I think it’s unfair. Here I am with CJ, and there she is wanting to be a mom. I never really thought about being someone’s mother until we found out CJ was on her way. Those two have been attached from the second they saw each other. The first-time CJ laughed it was at Carrie. Carrie was holding her. It should’ve hurt, I guess. It made sense. She is my daughter after all. No one makes me laugh like Carrie.”

  Carrie swallowed hard. She could hear Dar’s voice as if Dar were reading the words to her. Tears welled in her eyes. Why couldn’t you just talk to me, Dar?

  “Carrie can make anyone laugh. CJ’s the same way. Peas in a pod.”

  Carrie noticed that Dar’s handwriting changed as if she had walked away and started again.

  “I miss her, Carrie, I mean. I miss the way it was before everything and everyone else came into o
ur lives. Things have changed and I don’t know how to tell her. I can’t tell her. This tumor in my head, if she knew—Carrie, she’d stop everything to take care of me. I can’t tell her. I can’t even look at her. There’s no going backward now. So, I guess it’s up to this.”

  The breath left Carrie’s body. “You knew? You knew, and you didn’t tell me?”

  “Here goes.

  Carrie,

  I guess if you read this you’ve probably read everything before it. I was in Vegas a few months ago and I got this splitting headache. Now, I know how you must’ve felt all those times lying in the dark. I thought they’d tell me that it was a migraine. Not my luck. It was a tumor. I made some appointments in the city when I got home. No one had good news. No good news. Maybe it won’t kill me. Maybe it will. Who knows? If you are looking at this and we’re not old and gray, I guess it did.

  I tried this crazy place in the village—this doctor one of Leigh’s people mentioned his friend was seeing. I’ve been trying for months. I’m still here, whatever that means.”

  “Damnit, Dar! Why didn’t you say something?”

  ‘I think I’d prefer that you think I’m a thief instead of that you see me as too afraid to go to a real doctor. I just can’t face it, Carrie. I’ve been over it a million times. I can’t go through treatments and surgeries. I can’t. I don’t want you to see me that way. I don’t want CJ to see me that way either.

  I owe you an apology, and you know I suck at those. I didn’t mean what I said to you about CJ. CJ loves you. Why wouldn’t she? If anyone understands, it’s me. I’ve always understood. You and me, we have always wanted different things. Sometimes, I think maybe CJ is the part of me that gets to hold your heart, the part that I just can’t hold. She’s the best part of me. I’d like to think that’s part of the reason you love her so much.”

  “Oh, Dar…”

  “You could never steal CJ from me. She’s as much yours as she ever was mine. I think that’s true. I think Tom knows that too. I think he always has. You always say that people love each other equally, just differently. Like you love me as much as you do Ford or even that hash slinger of yours.”