Your Little Secret

by Cooper, Bethan

  “Nothing,” Amber grumbled and focused on the remains of her cold dinner. “I’m just a little tired,” she lied to him. The night before had been the best night’s sleep she had in such a long time. “Plus I drank a lot yesterday.”

  “It just always feels like you’re insinuating something. Like I’m some liar, that I don’t love you. It’s like you want me to fuck up!” Connor shouted and watched as her head snapped up, her lips fallen apart in shock at his attack. “Where’s Ethie boy, Amber? He’s usually all over you with or without me here. I’m surprised he didn’t jump into your knickers the moment I shut the front door the day I left.”

  “Don’t you dare,” Amber said and stood up, unable to see this go further once she had said her piece. “He picked me up when you barely rang me, when you chased me off the phone. He made me feel better when you made me feel needy and clingy, and he made me feel like me again when you continually disappointed me and broke promises after promises.”

  She began to leave, her lungs heaving to get more than agitated air in them. She was nearly at the bottom of the stairs, ready to flee to her bedroom so she could wrap her arms around the pillow Ethan had slept on, and if she was given a few seconds to breathe, she could finally text him. She needed space. Connor had barely been back a day and he had through so many new twists and turns at her that she was beginning to feel sick.

  However, Connor wasn’t leaving her alone for once. He stalked up behind her, grabbed one of her wrists and pushed her to the wall. He released her once she was pinned to it between his body and the wall. “Why do we do this?” Connor asked her, his hands against the wall either side of her head. “Why do we always rile one another up to this point for it to end like this?” he asked her softly, his tone no longer holding any remnants of anger. “I’ve been busy with work, with finding a place to settle in. I’ve been busy with finding a place to bring you to. I’ve been finding you a new home.”

  “A new home?” Amber gasped, her eyes going wide. Her mind began to rip through into panic mode.

  “Yeah,” Connor began to say, one hand dropping to play with the pieces of her hair that fallen messily in front of her face. “I lied when I said you had until Monday off. You have until the Friday. I have a return train ticket for you too. Come away with me, live with me in London for a week. Let me show you what I’ve been up to, Amber.” His eyes searched her, his true plans lay wide open to her, “What do you say?”

  What did she say? Yes and mess everything up or no and still mess everything up?

  Whichever way she chose she would lose something. Part of her would float away with the pain.

  Looking intently into his eyes, Amber smiled.

  "Of course I'll come with you Connor." Pulling her into his arms she let herself loose around him. Ethan and her had some amazing chemistry, love even, but she had to think about herself.

  Connor’s eyes ignited with her admittance to coming with him. “You’ve made my day, Ambs!”

  She couldn’t react as he pulled her into his arms and spun her around. When he dropped her down onto her own two feet, she used it as an excuse to just end this day and start anew in the morning. “You must be tired,” she said, gently pushing at the strands of hair that had fallen away from their place. “How about an early night and save the fun for tomorrow?” she asked him and he nodded. Like she had the night before, she took Connor’s hand and did the same routine she had with Ethan. She pulled him upstairs, but this time she was apprehensive to sleep in the bed.

  Releasing his hand, she allowed him to use the bathroom as she stripped of her clothes and grabbed her pyjamas. Sitting on the end of the bed, she wondered how life could have turned out this way. She was trapped in a whirlwind of love and betrayal, and she could only watch as heartbreak waited to embrace her.

  “Hey,” Connor’s voice came from her left and he watched her look up at him. He only stood in his Calvin Klein boxers, but he stopped what he was doing when she had become too quiet. “You okay?”

  Amber smiled weakly, but believingly. “Of course.”

  “Good,” he said and approached her, standing before her, he slowing pushed her back so she flat against the mattress. He leaned down over her, ready to devour her in a way he had yearned to do for what felt like an eternity. “I love you so much,” he said as his lips connected with the bare skin on her neck.

  Amber wanted to get lost in Connor, but she couldn’t. Pushing him away, his intoxicating scent making her feel nauseated, she found her unable to commit. “Connor,” she murmured and closed her eyes as she knew this could end badly.

  “What’s wrong, Babe?” he asked her gently, trying to arouse her with the touch of his hands on her waist.

  “Stop,” she muttered, “Just stop!” She pulled away from him, standing beside the bed she had been laying on, his body covering hers and she couldn’t stop the twisted thoughts that were screaming at her for attention. “I don’t want to have sex with you.”

  Connor’s face cast a confused look and he tried to make sense of this for a moment.

  “Every time you came back we ended up having sex. I want to believe we’re more than that,” she spoke with sheer desperation. “I want us to be more than that. We are more than that. So please, can I just enjoy having you back where I have dreamt of having you?”

  Connor’s face softened towards her, he didn’t know that really she was living in a world of comparisons. One heartbeat was for Connor, another for Ethan and back again. It was a constant, agonising sequence between each man.

  “C’mon then,” he said and pulled her back to the bed, unknowingly he was bringing her to sleep on the side that Ethan had slept. He said nothing, just pulled her into his arms, leaning over her to turn the light off before entirely settling down.

  Amber didn’t even try to sleep. She just remain guarded in Connor’s arms staring into the pitch blackness of the room and found that she was a like powerhouse getting ready to explode. She tortured herself with remaining on the bed until she was well aware that Connor was sound asleep.

  Hulling herself out of bed, Amber crept out of the house. She was dressed in sweatpants and a hoodie, a vest underneath and her favourite trainers. She went to get in her car when she noticed that Ethan’s car was still parked outside her house. Looking at her keys she toyed with his spare one that she kept and decided that she would take his car back to him. It gave her an excuse to turn up on his doorstep even if it was illegal seeing as her insurance wouldn’t cover her for this reckless move.

  It was barely eleven, and when she arrived she was relieved to realise that she was uncaught and yet still nervous. Gearing herself towards the door, she knocked with a steady knock and took a deep breath. When the door opened and she was met with those blue eyes that made her darkest day bright, every single nerve melted away.

  “Ambi!” Ethan exclaimed his arm around his body as he leaned against the doorframe, “What are you doing here?”

  Amber said nothing. There were no words she could offer right now. She launched at her best friend and wrapped her arms around him tightly, finally feeling like she was home. As she gave a slight squeeze, she heard Ethan wince and she released him in a minor panic.

  “What’s wrong?” she asked him, worried at what happened since his disappearance.

  “I fell from the window,” he whispered at her, keeping his voice low. “No big deal,” he fobbed her off, acquitting her worries. “I heard he proposed.”

  Amber held her left hand up. “I said no.”

  “You did?” he literally squeaked at her in surprise. “What? Why?”

  “Because I am not going to marry the guy that only has excuses for missing everything in my life including dropping me a text. After last night,” she began to speak quietly, a slow smile began to creep on her face, “It changed a lot.”

  “Babe, who is it?” Eva’s voice suddenly travelled from behind Ethan, “You should be resting.” Suddenly the door opened completely as Eva made her prese
nce known. “Oh hey, Amber. I didn’t expect to see you here at this time of night.”

  Amber’s face paled as she realised that whether or not she wanted to admit it, there were two other counterparts standing in the way of her and Ethan being together. Pointing over to the car now on the drive, she smiled. “I brought Ethan’s car back. Connor kept making comments so I thought I’d just bring it back.”

  “That’s lovely of you,” Eva complemented and offered a sad smile to her. “Well, Ethan and I were just heading to bed so I guess we’ll see you later.”

  As she went to close the door, Ethan stopped her. “No, you go up. I’m not done here.”

  Eva looked between the pair unhappily. “Fine, but don’t be too long.”

  “Thanks, babe,” Ethan appreciated and watched her go before looking back at Amber’s vacant expression. “Amb’s,” he started and she shook her head.

  “It’s not us,” Amber said to him sadly, her eyes watering and bleeding clear tears before she could stop them. “It’s never going to be us, is it?” she asked and flashed her heavily teary eyes to him. “It’s always going to be them. If we were meant to be, we wouldn’t be drawn back in like moths to a flame.”

  “Don’t say that,” Ethan tried to stop her, but she wouldn’t let him silence her.

  “I woke up in heaven this morning and it went to hell just as quickly as it happened,” she told him, her voice remaining low as to not raise speculation with Eva. “I won’t forget it, but I’m going to London with Connor. I’m hoping the time alone will make sense of this because I have to admit, Ethan, I’m lost. I know I love you, but I don’t know if that’s enough until we sort our lives out.”

  “You’re going to London?” he asked her in almost absolute horror. “How long for?”

  “Only until next week,” she admitted to him, not ashamed to hide the fact she had taken the chance. “Connor asked me to live with him to see what he had really been doing me. He has been building a life ready for me, Ethan. He’s not cheating on me. I know he’s not.”

  “So just like that, you’re going?” Ethan snapped at her, not even making an attempt to hide his anger. “He comes back, says jump and you ask how high. Like he’s a fucking lap dog.”

  Amber’s eyes lit up then, they fired up with aggression, “How long was it before Eva was back kissing you arse again?” The moment she asked, she regretted it. “Look, I don’t want to argue with you. I just need to be clear on a few things. I am not going away to get engaged, or find my happily ever after. I need space. After how I’ve been the last few weeks with my depressive state and binge drinking, I need this. I need to see if it was worth it or if he’s been laughing at me all along.”

  Ethan nodded at her as she said that, “He’s not laughing at you, princess.” He gave her a wink, “Just promise me you’ll ring me daily and not ignore me.” He knew he couldn’t stop her leaving so he had placate his emotions and support her.

  “If you promise you’ll be here when I get back?” she asked meekly as though she had no right. Eva’s lingering figure made her feel subconscious.

  “Yeah,” Ethan grinned at her, “I’ll be here,” he whispered his promise to her and gave her a weak smile before he pulled her close to him ignorant of his aching body. “Now go home and drop me a text in the morning,” he told her and quickly released her before he pushed the door to a close.

  As the door shut before her, Amber felt like Ethan had just closed the chapter on their very short lived intimate relationship. His tone of voice was off, quaking under an impending emotional outburst.

  Turning around, she realised her plan to bring Ethan his car didn’t work out too well for her. She had to walk home. She didn’t know when love had become twisted into this charade of blissfulness and two-timing. She didn’t even know it would hurt this bad to be knocked back and feel like she was settling for second best.

  As she walked, she actually realised that she hated how she had become. She was usually more intelligent than this, more equipped to keep her mind on track and focus on an overall goal. She should have been able to decide whether or not Ethan was worth more to her than Connor rather than believing she could have one and the other would just disappear. She had trusted her heart to decide the biggest decision of her life. Except her heart had stupidly made everything a complication rather than a dream come true and she was left wondering if she had only messed up by not acting sooner and owning up to her indiscretions.

  Unable to walk, Amber felt her legs weaken beneath her. Sinking onto the wall only three houses away from her own, she leaned forward, folding in on herself. Her body began to shudder as she cried and she covered her face with her hands as she howled out. She felt like a part of her heart was blackened. She was ruined by jealously, torn to shreds with heartbreak, and for what? She was going to do exactly the same thing to Ethan by going back to Connor. Here she was feeling betrayed by Eva’s appearance in Ethan’s house, but who was she to speak? Connor was sleeping back in the bed that less than twenty-four hours ago Ethan made love to her in. The same bed she would drag herself back to and climb in next to the man that was offering her the world.

  Yet again in her life she felt like she was a mistake to Ethan.

  Chapter Twelve

  The train journey was slow, exhausting, especially as she was forced to sit next to someone who she didn't know. Amber sighed and looked out of the window at the fast moving trees. Looking down she unlocked her phone to see if she had any text messages from Ethan. Not a single one, nada. Sighing, she opened up a pointless game as Connor slept opposite her. This was just a visit. To see what it was like, they had decided that she couldn't just leave. She needed to work her notice at work and spend time saying goodbye to people she loved - including Ethan. Regret swam through her body, eating away at her heart and forcing her to breathe in a deep shuddering breath. Looking at Connor, the guilt forced through and she cried as she stared at the man who she had loved for all these months. Forcing in her earphones she switched on her iPhone and fell into a daydream with Daniel Merriweather.

  ***

  "Whoa," Amber whispered under her breath as she walked into the foyer of Connors apartment. "You done good babe." Feeling his arm wrap around her shoulders she turned to kiss the back of his hand.

  "Want a drink?" Connor asked whilst putting his keys into the key bowl.

  "Sure, diet coke if you've got one," Amber smiled at Connor and he wandered off to another part of the apartment. Feeling like she was completely unwanted in this place, she didn't belong. Running her fingertips along the edge of his plush leather sofa she shuddered as she remembered her old, blue, tatty one. She missed home already, even though Amber had only been here an hour.

  Dropping herself into the soft cushions she stared at his, at least fifty inch, plasma screen on the wall and felt a sense of anger sweep through her system. Here she was, at home, living in squalor, when he was living in luxury for ten times the amount of rent she pays. She felt the sofa dip next to her and Connor pulled her into his arms.

  "You know I missed this," Connor muttered into her hair as he kissed her head. He had missed her smell, the way her face screwed up when she was concentrating, the way her hands fit his so perfectly. As she moved in closer to him, he handed her the diet coke.

  "Thanks," Amber whispered, wrapping an arm around his waist. "So you've got such an amazing home here Con, makes mine look a pigs den."

  Chuckling gently he shook his head at her. "It's what the company supplied me with, Amber, I didn't ask for it." Shuffling tighter towards him she sniffled a little thinking about what she had left behind in Yorkshire. She missed Ethan, even though it was only twenty-four hours ago that she saw him, with Eva's arms wrapped around him. If she had the power to fight for him she would. But yet, here was Connor, being gentle and calming with her. Stealing her away from loneliness and letting her fall into his life for a week.

  "Are you off work this week too?" Amber asked him, curious as to why she ha
d been dragged away from home. Sitting up, Amber sat up with him.

  Connor gently stroked a loose tendril of hair behind her ear and smiled softly at her. "Of course Baby Girl, I couldn't leave you here by yourself, you have me for a whole week before reality kicks in again."

  "I'm worried about the train ride home." Because it was the truth, she was worried. About the feeling of loss flooding her body once more, causing her undeserving pain to fluctuate across her life.

  "Hey," Connor murmured softly. "You'll be okay, just remember about what you could have down here, if you did move in with me. Yeah, you'd have to look for another job, but London Amber. It has so many new opportunities for us. For everything. We could be happy, selfish even, and wallow in money."

  Bringing his lips to hers, she fell into the rhythm she remembered, not that it matched or even compared to Ethan's. Letting him stroke his tongue along hers, she didn't feel the usual spark of ignition, only a dead beat flint that was worn out. It didn't have the spark she needed to keep the flame, it was lost, gone. Pulling back she looked at the man she had cheated on. She had cheated and lost. Connor was perfect, kind, and so generous in and out of bed, but she had done the dirty with Ethan behind his back.

  Feeling overwhelmed with these emotions she rose to her feet. "Can I use your bathroom please?"

  "Sure baby, down the hall, third door on the left." Connor smiled at her and let her wander down the hall and felt a sudden sadness to the lack of her.

  She had become the essence in his life, the meaning, the purity. She was a star that had captured his heart and set it on fire, its constant beams brightening through his days and his nights.

  Once she was isolated into the bathroom, Amber stood with her back flush against the perfect panel of wood. Immediately she was met with a plain white bathroom, chrome taps and handles, expensive products lined the sink. It was a stark contrast to her tiny bathroom back at home. There was no leaking tap or mildew growing on the ceiling.