Your Little Secret

by Cooper, Bethan

  She slowly buttoned up the shirt, the sleeves too long for her. However, she loved the feel of a man’s shirt on her. It felt so much better than her own clothes. There was a certain comfort to it. Something that brought a small smile to her lips.

  Before putting the kettle on, Amber made a point to put her iPhone on the iPod dock and pushed play. She’d long forgotten what the last song she had played was, and was happy when cover art for Beyoncé appeared. Pushing play, she went and put the kettle on to boil and grabbed two mugs.

  As the song began to play, she automatically began to sing with it. Only turning from the cupboard with the two mugs in her hands to stare at her phone in horror, and she said nothing, just listened to the Start Over song, feeling every word begin to haunt her, taunt her, abuse at her already beaten heart.

  I feel weak, we've been here before. 'Cause I feel we keep going back and forth. Maybe it's over, maybe we're through. But I honestly can say I still love you. Maybe we reached the mountain peak. And there's no more left to climb. And maybe we lost the magic piece. And we're both too blind to find. Let's start over.

  She didn’t know who it made her think of most right about now – Connor or Ethan. Both men’s faces came into her mind just as powerful as the words filled the room and she found her eyes beginning to well with tears. She didn’t want to lose either, but she felt the niggling need to constantly pick at them. She then remembered Ethan’s comment on Eva’s picture and the choice diminished. Ethan had taken the choice out of her and made it easier for her. Sure she had lost the man she knew started her first true love, but he had also trampled on it. God knew what she was going to go back to when she finally went back in a few days.

  “Hey, babe,” Connor’s voice abruptly took over and she jumped, dropping the mugs. “Shit, Amber, what’s wrong with you?” he asked, running over to pick her up and remove her from the broken shards of crockery. “What’s got you so quiet and jumpy?”

  Amber shrugged. “That song just had me thinking that’s all.”

  “You want to start over?” Connor asked aghast, terror in his voice that their old relationship would be ashes for them to build from.

  Looking into Connor’s eyes, she gave a small smile, wondering if she would regret her next words, “I think we are. We’ve definitely started a new chapter, haven’t we?” she asked him gently, and looked at his face, drowning in his beauty. “We’ve changed. I feel this is a do over on our relationship.”

  Connor’s lips twitched a little for a moment, the smile waiting to split across his face. “I definitely think we’ve taken a new turn. You’re only steps away from living with me full time.”

  “And marrying you,” the words slipped out of her mouth before she could even stop them.

  ***

  “I know you deliberately took a long shower to try and put off going out,” Connor joked as he pulled her out onto the open street outside his posh London apartment.

  Amber allowed him to pull her to his side. “I was finishing myself off.” It was a joke, but the look of absolute horror on Connor’s face showed he didn’t see it as a joke. “Lighten up, man! If I needed finishing up, do you really think I wouldn’t use and abuse you?”

  “I’ll make you pay for that later,” he told her chuckling. “For now, I’m gonna scare the shit out of you in the dungeons.”

  That made Amber freeze in her spot.

  "Baby? You okay?" Connor asked, concerned as to why she had paled.

  Shaking her head, Amber smiled at him and started to fasten her jacket. "I'm sorry, just dungeons freak me out." Which was a lie, it just slipped from her tongue easy like a snake biting, and filling you with venom. When in fact, she was thinking of her cheeky quick kisses with Ethan, and the memories of his lips against hers made the butterflies that had disappeared re-appear in her stomach. Feeling Connor's fingers lace hers he walked her to the car park behind the building. Watching the cars blinkers go off to show it was unlocked, she gazed at Connor.

  "You bought a fucking car? A car?" Connor turned and looked as if to say she knew. "No, I had no idea," Amber said answering his unspoken question.

  "Er, I've had this for a few weeks, babe. It's a BMW four by four. Pretty cool right?"

  The jealousy hit her in the gut.

  "If you have a car, why did you get a train up to Leeds then?" Amber asked curious as to how that worked.

  "I leant it to a friend of mine. You coming or what baby?" Smiling at his happy face, she climbed into the sleek black leather seat. Shutting the door she breathed in that new car smell.

  "Smells so good in here," Amber said through an exasperated breath. Fastening her seatbelt Connor grabbed the steering wheel, put the car into gear and they began their drive around London.

  Ethan came into her thoughts way too often, her constant worrying about what he was doing with Eva, whether he was truly in love with her, or it was just his own make believe.

  "We should have walked, or caught the tube." Connor moaned as he hit the mid-morning traffic. "This is horrendous." The car suddenly filled with a loud recurrent ringing and Connor ignored it. Looking to the dashboard, Amber saw it said George.

  "Don't you have to get that baby?" Amber asked, curious to his rejection from his friend.

  Putting his hand over hers, he glanced over. "No, I promised myself no work related calls when you're around baby. Just me and you, okay?" Amber nodded in exception and continued her day dream into London's busy streets.

  Connor knew exactly where to park. He would park in Harley Street, where parking on some work days was free. Finding a spot, he turned off the ignition and stepped out into the London sunshine. Stretching his arms above his head, he removed his leather jacket and threw it on the back seat. "We're going to need some tube tickets anyway baby. You'll know what it feels like to be a sardine in a can." Laughing at his joke, he walked around to her and laced his fingers through hers. Pulling her hand to his mouth he kissed her skin. "I'm so lucky to have found you Amber, my beautiful lady."

  Blushing slightly, Amber dropped her gaze. She couldn’t deny that the guilt in the pit of her soul swirled up, ready to hiss and lash out. Swallowing hard, she felt it dissolve and allowed him to take her the short journey to the tube station.

  “We drove to catch the tube?” she asked him unimpressed as she looked up at the sign for Regents Park underground.

  “Hey, you mentioned going via the tube, so we are,” Connor said dragging her down the steps, “I’m thinking we need the Bakerloo Line up to Baker Street and then the Jubilee Line down to London Bridge and voila we’re there.”

  As he came to stop by the ticket machine, Amber stepped in beside him. “You seem to know the underground like the back of your hand, Baby.”

  “You make that sound like an accusation. I live in London, this is cheap, easy travel,” he said buying them both a travel card for all underground zones. “Now let’s get going. You can gyrate on me on the tube if you want.”

  “Rather you than a stranger,” she joked with him, letting her insecurities run away for the moment.

  “I’ll make sure you don’t end up sniffing a man’s armpit as well,” he teased her and saw her visibly shudder at him.

  Amber knew she was being irrational with her overthinking, but as she stood on the train going to their destination literally moments later, she couldn’t help but wonder if Connor had a double life. She didn’t see half of it, he could be a male escort and she wouldn’t know different!

  Being pulled from the carriage and out like she had when they had rushed from one line to the next, Amber was pleased when she was breathing in clearer air as they made for the exit on the other side of London Bridge station. After being cramped in the claustrophobic underground, fresh air was a delight to her, and she was pleased when she realised the dungeons were literally under the station.

  “Damn queues,” Connor mumbled as they joined onto the end. He looked up at the overcast sky. “Babe, I’m going to go and grab an umbrella
from one of the shops in the station. You be okay holding out spot?” He asked her and watched her eyes ignite at the thought of being left, “You know where the shops are. I won’t be that long. If it rains, I don’t want you wet,” he pulled her to him again, chest to chest, and leaned in to kiss her. “Not if it’s not under my will.”

  Amber giggled girlishly and pushed him away, “Go on then, do that and get back to me.” Accepting a kiss, she watched him disappear from the queue and felt lame for being left here like this. Picking out her phone, she unlocked it and hated that once again, Ethan’s name was a no-show on her screen. It was disheartening, but she realised they had both made their beds, and now they had to lie in them. Regardless of whether they wanted to or not.

  Scrolling quickly through her contacts, she found Lucy’s number and dialled it.

  “Hey girl!” Lucy’s voice chirped down the line. “How is London, and my favourite man, Connor?”

  “I thought Ethan was your favourite man?” Amber asked, a frown forming, ignoring the other part of the question.

  “Guy is on meltdown right now, Ambi Pambi, and I don’t know why,” she informed her best friend with a heavy, frustrated sigh. “He and Eva literally suck each other’s faces off, and if you ask me he’s trying too hard at giving this relationship an unwelcomed push.” Lucy sighed again and then groaned. “And if I have to see Eva drool over Ethan for another night I will be taking a bucket with me for her to do so in,” Lucy’s voice whined down the phone. “It’s pathetic.”

  “And I don’t care,” Amber pushed the thought away. Actually she pushed away every damn thought that began with an ‘E’ – Ethan, Eva, ecstasy, escape, excitement. Everything that wrapped her up in thoughts of Ethan were banished as she stood there.

  “What the hell?” Lucy asked back, “He shuts up when you’re mentioned, you do the same. What’s gone on that I didn’t know?”

  Amber rubbed her forehead, feeling a headache coming on. “I am only telling you this now because I am freaking alone in a queue for the fucking London Dungeons and it’s driving me insane.”

  “Okay,” Lucy tread carefully to coercing the matter in hand out into the open.

  “I slept with Ethan,” she admitted and covered her mouth as though Lucy were actually with her. “I was drunk and needy, and I love him and it happened,” she rambled on, unable to stop the verbal diarrhoea now it had started. “God, it’s made a mess of everything.”

  “You love him?” Lucy asked suddenly through her silence.

  “Out of everything you choose that to pinpoint?” Amber asked agitatedly.

  “Well yeah, you said you loved him, Amber, and you’re in London with Connor and he’s here with Princess Twathead,” Lucy said, her tone slick with both poise and sarcasm. “God, this is big. This is huge!”

  “This is wrong!” Amber responded back, her tone harsher than ever. “I’m guessing you saw Eva’s Facebook? They’re in love. The equation doesn’t include Ethan and Eva and Amber! So I’ve said it to someone, I feel better, and,” turning around to look she continued, “Connor’s coming back so I’m going to enjoy this.”

  “You can’t go now!” Lucy exclaimed, wishing she wasn’t so many miles away from Amber. “This isn’t over.”

  “This can wait,” she said and pulled the phone from her ear and ended the call. She looked as Connor came to stop beside her and she grinned, “You were quick.”

  “I said I wouldn’t be long,” he told her and handed her an umbrella over. “The colour of your eyes,” he smirked at her. “Who was on the phone?”

  Taking the umbrella she forced a smile. “Lucy. Apparently Eva’s back in town and Lucy can’t stand her.”

  “Can anyone?” Connor asked sarcastically.

  Ethan, Amber spoke internally, the dagger hitting her heart centre on again. Why try fix something that isn't broken? Why try fall into an abyss of loss that isn't there to be lost?

  Amber's fingers remained laced through Connor's as he led her through the London Dungeon. This was the second time in the space of days that she had been in this situation. But little kisses weren't going to be stolen, she wasn’t going to have the butterflies anymore.

  Something had died within her regarding Connor. And maybe she couldn't fix it. Words were said, but she couldn't remember the conversation. She had to bite her tongue with what she was really feeling. Ethan was her key to survival now.

  She knew that she loved Connor as much, if not more than Ethan. He had fixed her life in more ways than one. He had saved her, from the dark feeling of loneliness.

  She had never wanted to be alone, trapped, forever inside herself. She had always wanted to be saved by a man, and that night at the club, Connor saved her. He did. He might not know that but he did.

  Knowing she's not the best to Connor, Amber looked up at him as he listened intently to the tour guide. His hair was styled to perfection on his head, his green eyes glistening in the darkness. The memories of them flood her mind, the memories of their first time making love, how nervous he was, yet how perfect it was. She didn't want to walk out of Connor's life, she wanted to stay there.

  Ethan stopped the bleeding caused inside by Connor, but his words had no meaning.

  "Please stay with me," Amber whispered to Connor when they approached some large gates before the next section. "I'd die without you." Connor looked down at the fragile girl beside him.

  "Baby, I would never leave you, I'm always with you, what's brought this on?"

  Shaking her head, she squeezed hard on his hand. "I love you with all my heart, Connor. You know that right?"

  "I know that, Amber, I have always known that." He stopped from walking and pulled her into a tight hug, letting his love for her be felt through his body. "I'll never have another girl like you, you're the reason I'm here. A girl like you is impossible to find baby, impossible." Sighing against his chest, Amber nodded.

  ***

  Amber lay awake thinking about all the times she had made love to Connor in the past few months. They had always had an amazing chemistry in bed, something she had never experienced with previous boyfriends.

  Until now.

  She had to face her fears, lose the guy she wanted, lose the guy who wanted her. She found herself on Facebook again, obsessed by Eva's daily updates with pictures of her and Ethan. Some of them kissing, his fingers weaved through her fake blonde hair, his eyes closed at their closeness, their lips touching, moving in sync. Feeling physically sick, Amber moved the duvet from her body and walked the short distance to the bathroom. Holding onto her stomach, she thought it might have been the food from earlier, but realised it was a tight ball of emotion, sat inside her, waiting to unravel, waiting to destroy her.

  It wanted to suck the life from her, let it cascade around her. All the pain she felt was because of her. She wanted someone to take this pain away. At the rate she was going, she would be depressed in the next month.

  Her fingers grasped hard at the edges of the sink, as she stared at the girl in the mirror, far from a shadow of herself. This was something she didn't know. Her skin was paler, her face looser. She had lost weight, she wasn't bright anymore. She was a castaway. And soon enough, she would be a nothing to anyone.

  Chapter Fourteen

  “Babe,” Connor cooed at her hours later. He had gone and done some work, leaving her to remain cloistered in the duvets and blankets Connor had tucked her into. “I need you to wake up and get something to eat.”

  “No food,” Amber moaned at him, the thought of eating anything turning her stomach on her. “I’m not hungry.”

  “Amber, you need to get something in you,” Connor worried, sinking next to her on the bed. “I didn’t want this trip to end up with you sick.”

  She could almost hear the whiney tone to his voice, but the moment his cool hands hit her clammy skin she melted and realised that he was really concerned for her. Willing her eyes opened, she looked at him and offered a weak smile.

  “How abou
t something to drink?” he asked her, and she gave a curt head nod before letting him leave her alone again.

  Laying there, looking up at the bright white ceiling, Amber wondered if this was punishment for pushing her body to the extreme with so many emotional rushes. The way her stomach roiled and sent her running for the bathroom, told her it was probably the meal she ate last night. Even if it wasn’t, she was off shrimp for life now.

  “Amber!” Connor said coming into the room in a panic. “Baby, this isn’t good.”

  “Food poisoning, I’m sure,” she pushed him away, really not wanting him to sit here seeing her heaving on her stomach, throwing up until there was nothing left to bring up.

  However, Connor didn’t seem to mind. He knelt beside her, running his hand up and down her back. “I’m going to get you settled in bed and run down to the chemist to get some dioralyte. I can’t let you get too dehydrated.”

  “I’ll be fine,” Amber managed to say but felt her stomach wretch several times before she did throw up. When she settled, she was happy with Connor being close and even more thankful when he helped her up and back to bed.

  Tucking her into the bed again, he kissed her forehead and got up. “I’ll be back in like ten maybe fifteen minutes. You sleep.”

  “Okay,” she mumbled and closed her eyes.

  After he left her, she curled up and heard the door close consequently. Lying staring out of the window, Amber realised she didn’t want to leave him and being ill was only wasting the precious time she had with him. A part of her didn’t want to go back to Leeds to see how cosy Ethan was with Eva, but another part wanted to feel his arms around her, especially with her being ill and far from home.

  Closing her eyes, she tried to calm her stomach, but when the bile began to rise, she ran from the position she was in and collided with the toilet just in time. Retching a few times, she gave into crying and curled up on the floor.