Redefining Us: A Reclusive Novel

by Harloe Rae

  Usually I’m very patient and understanding, but right now unease bubbles in my stomach. My ears are ringing and a strain is pulling at my neck. Lover not a fighter? Right now, I want to say screw being nice by avoiding tough topics. I want to dive right in and discover why we allowed this to happen. I won’t though. I might be crushed and disappointed, but more than anything, I’m scared to take it out on Xander.

  He nervously shuffles his feet as he pushes his fists deeper into his pockets. “Right for the jugular, Willow? You couldn’t comment on my feelings first? Then dig into how I fucked up?” His defensive tone makes me feel really guilty but I’m fueled by my need to know more.

  I shake my head, afraid my voice will betray me. He knows what I want. I don’t need to repeat myself. I try to shake off the animosity. I allow my eyes to slowly rake over Xander’s enormous body.

  Darn, he’s hard to resist when he’s all tense and coiled tight.

  His eyes are like blue flames that want to consume me. I can’t stop the heat from pooling in my belly.

  Maybe Xander was expecting me to fall helplessly into his arms and swoon all over his enticing words but I was thrown way off course. I had no idea he felt this way for me, after all this time. The shock reverberates through my bones and it causes a shudder to roll through me.

  How did we let this happen?

  Why didn’t we tell each other sooner?

  The unknowns keep bouncing through my head but I become distracted by Xander’s brooding sexiness. I shake off the heat spreading through my veins. He can be smoldering hotness all he wants but we are finishing this dang conversation.

  I tilt my head and catch a glimpse of the Xander I used to know, hiding underneath all that appetizing muscle. I expected him to be different, of course. No one comes back from war unaffected but anyone would describe Xander’s transformation as extreme. Being able to see a piece of the boy I grew up with has my heart beating erratically. I’ve obsessed about finding a connection to the past since stumbling upon the detached version of him so the relief consumes me now.

  As my question continues to hang unanswered, my silent scrutiny of Xander triggers a memory from before he was deployed. It flashes into my mind, resurfacing an opposite version of this man, and whisks me away to the comforting past.

  I heard him before I saw him. Xander always knew where to find me when I was upset. It was like a sixth sense between us.

  He settled on the swing next to me and gently started rocking.

  “Remember when we first met? At this park? The summer I moved here?” Xander asks questions in rapid succession as a way to distract me. It’s sweet that he tries so I go along with it.

  I join in the recollection. “You were such a cute little kid. All lanky limbs and floppy hair. I knew we would make great friends.”

  “And look at us now, Wills.”

  I turn to him and Xander is flashing a brilliant smile at me. He’s so hot. I can hardly handle our close friendship some days.

  “Just as I predicted. Right as always.” I chuckle when he scoffs at my response.

  “So, what brings you out here today?”

  I’m not surprised he’s ready to solve the issue.

  I sigh and bury my shoe in the wood chips. “I went on a date with Doug Nelson and it didn’t go very well.”

  Xander cringes. “I told you not to bother with that loser. He’s such a jackass on the field and I’m surprised Coach puts up with him. What did he do?”

  “I tried not getting my hopes up. I’d heard all about his reputation but the naive girl inside me didn’t believe the rumors. All he wanted was sex. It was obvious from the moment he picked me up.” I knew my tone was bitter. I didn’t care about Doug or the stupid date. My pride was injured when he assumed I’d just sleep with him.

  Xander makes a strange noise that sounds like a growl. It sounded funny coming from him. “What a douche. You shouldn’t be wasting your time on jerks like that, Wills. You need to find a guy that will treat you with respect. You deserve so much better.”

  “Oh yeah, X? Where am I going to find a guy like that? All I catch are horny boys looking to score.” I set a trap I knew he wouldn’t fall into. I’ve been secretly in love with him since we were thirteen but I could never find the guts to tell him.

  Xander seems to ponder my options before simply saying, “me.” He shrugs his shoulders and gives me another huge smile.

  What is happening right now?

  Does he actually mean that?

  His laughter breaks up my mini meltdown. “You should see your face, Wills. It looks like you’ve seen a ghost. Don’t freak out or anything. I was joking. The right guy will come around eventually. Just enjoy yourself. We’re too young to stress about that crap.” His fluffy statements hurt my heart, even though they shouldn’t.

  We’re just friends.

  My feelings for him are far from platonic.

  I love him. Xander is the one I truly want.

  Why doesn’t he love me too?

  Xander gently touches my shoulder and shakes me a bit. “Relax. Let’s go get ice cream. That always makes you feel better. I’ll even pay.” His dimples come out in full force and I lose my breath.

  Why does he have to be so freaking perfect?

  “Willow?” The sound of my name brings me back to the present.

  “You seem a thousand miles away. Maybe we should talk about this later.” Xander’s voice is laced with concern.

  He puffs out a mouthful of air and I take a moment to digest his masculine beauty. He is so darn sexy, yet I’m still unsure where we’re headed from here. I so badly want to rewind the clock and confess my love for him before he left. How could that have changed things?

  An overwhelming wave of misery crashes over me as I picture a collection of lost moments. The days we could have spent cuddling on the beach. The nights we would have enjoyed wrapped around each other. Stolen kisses and lingering touches. I desperately want those memories but they vanish before my eyes. A deep inhale fills my lungs as I process through my pain.

  “No. I want to know, Xander. I need to hear this.” I try to keep the bubbling hurt from my voice. My chin begins to tremble so I cover the offending twitch with my palm. Xander takes notice of my distress and swoops in closer.

  I use my free hand to wave him off. “Tell me, Xander. I want to know.”

  Darn it, my eyes are watering.

  I’m such a mess. Emotional overload is not a joke.

  Xander takes pity on me and begins another section to our broken history. “I know how much I fucked up, all right? I promised to write. I swore I would call. All you got was silence. I’m a piece of shit for that, WIllow. I deserve the fury in your beautiful eyes. I own the hurt you’re tossing my way.” He chokes on the words like they are tough to say. I realize too late that he’s not used to communicating at all, yet I’m forcing him to divulge painful experiences.

  “You need to try and understand what a horrible situation I was thrown into. Even though I thought of you practically every moment of almost everyday, I didn’t know how to express that on paper. Each time I tried, my hand would start shaking uncontrollably. I’d get frustrated that I was being affected so severely by that place.”

  His rugged face becomes tense as the struggle he went through flashes through his ocean eyes. Weariness is displayed by his sunken cheeks and dark circles under his eyes. Xander’s eyebrows bunch together as he keeps delving deeper into the story.

  “I wanted to call, Willow. The sound of your voice was sure to soothe even my most fucked up nerves but I couldn’t dial the numbers. It seemed like I was protecting you from knowing how awful my life was over there. I tricked myself into believing it was better that way. I didn’t want to drag you down. I wanted to keep you innocent and sweet and naive. I didn’t do it to be an asshole, although I realize that is exactly how it came across. I promise you that wasn’t my intention. I’ve only wanted what was best for you, Willow. I didn’t want that shit to
touch you.

  “My plan was to do my stint there and come back to you. Then we could start again. I could describe my every desire to your face rather than in a hurried letter. Fuck. I get it, Willow. My mistakes are stacked against me and I don’t have a way past them. You gave me fucking hope that perhaps it wasn’t irreparable but now I’m worried you’re ready to tuck tail. I wouldn’t blame you, but I’m not sure I can let you leave.”

  He sucks in a deep breath and aims his chin to the treetops. His fingers rake through his shaggy hair and yank at the ends. Xander is beginning to crumble and my soul instantly wants to provide him with comfort. He did as I asked. He told me the honest truth, even though it rubbed me wrong. I have to give him credit for trying to shield me in his own warped way.

  “Xander, I won’t lie to you. I really suffered from not hearing from you. You were my best friend and you always had my back. I never expected you to leave and forget about me. I mean, I suppose I should be thankful you tried keeping me separate from your life over there. But, I’m really sad that you didn’t think of how your silence would affect me.” My voice wobbled as I lost the fight against my tears. They began freely flowing down my cheeks but I continued talking.

  “I wanted to support you. I knew it wouldn’t be easy. I understood that you would have plenty of baggage to bring back with you but I would’ve helped carry the weight. Instead I got nothing. That hurt worse, Xander. And now? Knowing how you truly felt about me? I don’t know what to do. Maybe I should go.” I can hardly see through my bleary eyes but I notice when Xander swings his furious face my way.

  He storms close enough to touch me, yet doesn’t. The fire is back in his blazing eyes but I have a feeling the heat is fed by fury. His jaw is clenched and the familiar growl is gurgling in his throat.

  “No! You need to stay. Fuck that shit, Willow. You can’t leave. No, no, no. Let’s hash it out but don’t fucking go. SHIT!” He spins around and begins pacing, again. The panic mixed with rage doesn’t make a great combination. Xander’s racing off the rails.

  He pounds his fist into the trunk of a tree and howls out as the wood splinters. Xander’s knuckles are bleeding as he stomps back to me. I take a step back, unsure what to expect.

  He stops in his tracks and lowers his head. His chest rises and falls quickly with his labored breathing.

  “Are you afraid of me, Willow?” His hushed voice comes out between pants.

  Crap.

  I hate that Xander’s impulsive assumption is that I’m scared of him. That really wasn’t the case. I step forward to close the distance between us.

  “Look at me,” I hush out quietly, trying to soothe his tattered mind. Xander lifts his wounded eyes and guilt swallowed me in one gulp. I felt like such a brat.

  “I didn’t step back out of fear. I think you can understand I’m a little on edge. I wasn’t sure what you needed right then. Did you need more space? Were you going to push up against me again? I backed away because of the unknown. I promise, Xander. I’m full of a lot of mixed emotions, like confusion and hurt, but I could never be frightened of you.” I hope my explanation is enough.

  He speaks low and faint. “Alright. I’m sorry I freaked out just now. I can’t handle the thought of you leaving, even though you probably should be running away right now. Please don’t, Willow. I need you. I’m doing a shitty fucking job showing it but you’re helping me. I need you to stay.”

  I’m sure it takes a lot for him to admit that, and it proves how vital my presence is here. My professional side understands how his growing dependence on me could be seen as an issue, but to me, it’s a messed up way of rebuilding our bond. We were always inseparable growing up. I didn’t see this as that different.

  I place my palm on his scruffy cheek and my heart leaps when he leans into my touch.

  “I need you too, Xander. This entire day has been chaotic and I’m sorry if I gave you the impression I would leave. When I said I should go, I meant for a little walk or something. I want to stay with you, Xander. I’m glad you want me here, too.” When I finish, I shift forward a stitch to press a delicate kiss on his lips. When I pull back, warmth is reflected in Xander’s eyes.

  He releases a long sigh before whispering, “Thank you.”

  After a few collective moments, Xander asks a solid question. “So, now what?”

  “How about ice cream? It always makes me feel better.” A warm smile graces my lips as I make the past our present.

  * * *

  I can’t believe this shit.

  My head is throbbing as I clutch it between my palms in an attempt to shut down the persistent badgering. The constant pounding in my skull won’t fucking quit.

  I can’t concentrate, definitely can’t sleep, and I’m stressed as fuck that the voices are going to start back up.

  Since I’m a fucking wimp, I’m currently holed up in the shed in order to keep a bit of distance between us. These commanding urges are persuading me back to the house but I stamp them down with the last of my control. Practically every piece of me believes hiding out here is a horrible idea and my mind is quickly losing the battle.

  I’m trying to stay fucking strong but the pull is powerful.

  When Willow and I got back after our time in the woods, I wasn’t sure what to do. Thankfully I didn’t have to panic for long. She provided me with an escape by taking a shower. I used the lull to gather my tattered thoughts. Then the water blasted on and I began picturing Willow getting naked. It was too fucking close to my fantasy the other day.

  My entire body was locked up tight. I was tense, agitated, and sweating as the chaos from our evening continued spinning. I hated being out of control. Spending the night separated from her would be best for both of us.

  I waited in the kitchen until Willow was out of the bathroom. As soon as she emerged, I stammered out my plan and practically sprinted out of the house. I didn’t miss pinch of her eyebrows and the frown marring her gorgeous face but I couldn’t handle exposing more of my demented shit than I already had.

  The hallucinations and nightmares are the worst. I usually wake up worn the fuck out, so I probably thrash around like mad. I never want to know what that insanity looks like to a spectator.

  Now it’s the middle of the fucking night and I’ve been lying here wide-awake for hours.

  Obsessing.

  Panicking.

  Conflicted.

  Overreacting.

  Tormented.

  Irritated.

  Freaking the fuck out.

  I’m shocked the darkness hasn’t come for me yet but I figure it’s only a matter of time. The more drained and exhausted I am, the easier it is for the haunting shit to take over. I’m trying like hell to refuse my incessant infatuation with Willow.

  She is going to leave me, just like everyone else, which is what I deserve. I’m destined to be alone but I want to give in and feel her warmth. Even for a little while.

  I’m weak and pathetic.

  I’m not capable of staying away. It goes against every instinct inside me. I’m fucking cursed and Willow is determined to screw up my resistance. I desperately crave the calm Willow injects into my system. I predicted this unhealthy attachment after she touched me yesterday. She is slowly, but very surely, dismantling all the protective defenses I’ve sufficiently been using.

  In addition to the driving need to be near her, I have an irrational fear that something terrible will happen to Willow. Since I’ve been lowering my guard and letting her see my truth, I can’t stop the hounding feeling nipping at my heels that she will get taken away from me. I’m going out of my mind compiling the potential threats that could harm her. I won’t be able to rest until I know she’s fine.

  As I make my way across the frozen yard, I’m negotiating terms with this madness.

  If she actually fucking listened to me and locked the door, I’ll take it as a sign that she wants to keep the danger out. Including me. I can’t get a handle on my nerves as I march up the por
ch steps. When I reach the door, a lungful of air escapes me as I take a moment to hope the knob turns. My trembling hand makes me realize how desperate I am to get inside. When my palm is able to twist the cool metal, I’m so fucking relieved I almost forget to snap the deadbolt behind me.

  It’s difficult to see across the small space but I know my way around. With a few long strides, I am looming over Willow’s sleeping form.

  Her legs are twisted together like a pretzel, while her left arm appears bent at an awkward angle. Willow’s face is partially hidden by a pillow but I can tell she’s breathing normally. I wonder how she can be comfortable that way.

  My racing heart settles knowing Willow is safe.

  Now what the fuck am I going to do?

  I stand around like a moron as I contemplate my options. There’s no way I can go back to the shed. I don’t trust myself to lay next to Willow so I take a seat on the floor near the bed.

  My head is resting against the edge of the mattress and my mind easily drifts. Just as I’m starting to doze off, I get the most exquisite sensation and goosebumps cover my flesh as Willow’s thigh rubs against my head.

  “Why don’t you lay down with me?” Willow’s voice is groggy and sexy as fuck. I want to drag my tongue along her throat to feel the vibrations when she speaks.

  Instead I grunt, “I have my reasons.”

  “I wish you’d tell me, Xander. I’ve always been here for you. We just got interrupted for a while.”

  I make another noncommittal noise. Interrupted? More like blown to unrecognizable pieces because of my stupid mouth.

  Her fingers resume their ministrations and I hum in approval. Tingling sparks erupt on every surface of my body. My fingers twitch with the desire to return the favor. It feels so good that I almost fall asleep again.

  I could definitely get used to this.

  The errant thought shocks my system and I’m instantly alert. I can’t get comfortable with what I’m sure is a temporary situation. Willow is going to leave and take any progress I’ve made with her. With that simple thought, my entire being is drowning in sorrow and air gets trapped in my clogged throat. Startling chills shoot up my spine as my veins fill with ice. Willow has become my fucking lifeline and I can’t exist without her. Maybe I can persuade her to stay. I try to use that appealing approach to calm the fuck down. At least she’s here for now.