Redefining Us: A Reclusive Novel

by Harloe Rae

  As if hearing my silent struggle, Willow whispers out a quiet, “Xander?”

  “Yeah?” My tone is hushed too.

  “Will you tell me a story from the time you were gone? It doesn’t have to be anything significant. Anything you want to share. Maybe from a day that wasn’t so bad, if one even exists.” With her words, my mood plummets again.

  I hate fucking thinking about that time in my life. Usually I hyperventilate. A good memory from that shit hole? Not likely. I don’t want to let her down but fuck.

  After digesting her request a little more, a blip of something not totally rancid registers. I could tell her about the first camp I was stationed at before shipping out to the desert. That’s where I met Corporal Jones and we ended up getting along pretty well. At least for the short time I was held at that temporary holding point.

  I’m not sure what happened to Jones since he stayed back when we all left. We didn’t have the close bond I shared with my fellow squad mates, but I would consider him a friend.

  “All right, maybe this will be decent. When I first arrived in Europe, we stayed at a base in Germany. That’s a typical landing spot to gather before heading off to the next location. There was this soldier I bunked near that ended up being really funny. Corporal Jones was on his second tour and had all kinds of advice to give a newbie like me.” I took a deep breath and decided which hilarious thing to share with Willow.

  If I were still the same man I was then, I would be busting a gut recalling all the goofy crap Jones spewed. Even with the gains I’ve recently made, the corners of my lips hardly twitch.

  “One night, Jones was filling us in on a mission he carried out when he first enlisted. He was out in the middle of fucking no man’s land with his entire unit for this covert operation. They had to hide out for several days at a time without returning to the command post for supplies. In those situations, soldiers can get desperate and extremely creative.

  “On this specific excursion, their troop was attacked and under fire from the enemy forces. No one was injured but Jones shit his pants, which he never lived down. He had to strip down behind a boulder to remove his soiled briefs. Fatigues are rough and easily chafe sensitive skin so going without a layer between is dicey. What choice did he have though? From that point on, Jones wore an extra set just in case. The moral of the story is you truly never know what the fuck is going to happen out there so be prepared for anything. Including unexpected bowel movements. His whole point was to bring an extra pair of clean underwear. Not about watching your back while you’re being shot or always be ready for an ambush, but rather make sure to have clean fucking underwear. When he told us that, I almost peed my fucking shorts. Damn, that guy was a riot.”

  It seems like I rambled on for hours even though I know it has only been a few minutes. Willow’s hand in my hair stilled and I’m sure the sandman caught her. She probably didn’t hear most of that but it wasn’t horrible reminiscing about that moment. It actually felt pretty good. Maybe Willow is onto something.

  When she suddenly breaks the eerie quiet, I almost jump out of my fucking skin.

  “Thank you for that. Jones sounds like a funny dude.” She sounds half asleep but I guess she stuck with me until the end.

  I lay my head back down against the bed and close my tired eyes. There aren’t any voices screaming in my ears or gruesome images dancing in my vision. A calming balm seeps into my skin as a sense of peace washes over me.

  Maybe I can survive this shit after all.

  * * *

  I wake up the same way I have the past two mornings since I’ve been staying with Xander. I’m conflicted and a little frustrated as I rub my bleary eyes.

  Xander still refuses to sleep in bed with me so he’s leaning against the mattress from his spot on the floor. My hand is buried in his hair, my body is curled around his head, and my legs are hanging over his left shoulder. This definitely isn’t the most practical position but I’ve gotten used to it. I’ve accepted that Xander won’t spend the night any closer than this. For now.

  The biggest problem I’m currently dealing with is my raging hormones. I’m so freaking horny because I’m constantly assaulted with Xander’s sexiness. He’s driving me wild with lust but isn’t rushing to ease my desperate ache. I think drastic measures are in order.

  Don’t get me wrong, the last forty-eight hours have been fantastic. Once Xander told me about Jones, he found plenty of random stories to share. I heard a lot about the Corporal at first but then Xander found new subject matter. He willingly told a few tales about the soldiers from his unit but I could tell those were much harder to divulge. I’m totally blissed out that he’s starting to trust me again.

  I haven’t forgotten about his tattoo or his admission of loving me. That was before he came back and we reunited so how does he feel now? I think we’ve left that topic alone for the time being and are just focusing on being near each other again.

  I don’t need a label or a serious commitment, at least not yet. It would be nice to be aware of his current thoughts and feelings though.

  Is he keeping me around to stave off his darkness or is he hoping for more? Am I here strictly as his friend? Does Xander just see me as a screw buddy or is there relationship potential?

  There is so much we need to discuss.

  We had crazy hot sex but maybe that was a one time, heat of the moment, deal. Xander hasn’t shown any interest in a repeat performance since our kiss in the woods. I’ve been dropping plenty of blatant hints but I get nothing in return.

  When we sit on the couch, I’ve made sure to eagerly climb on his lap so we can snuggle close. He receives plenty of scorching kisses whenever the mood strikes me, which is always. When Xander gets undressed, I make sure to be extremely obvious that I’m checking out his fantastically ripped body. Aside from hopping on top and taking what I want, I’ve tried everything.

  Our limited physical connections have been dynamite, clearly, but I’m discovering the complexity of my love for Xander all over again. Broken pieces and all.

  I’m constantly driving myself mad obsessing over these details. The urge to get answers to these petty questions strengthens the more time I spend here. I’ve figured out what I want but I have no clue what Xander is thinking. He’s got a ton to deal with already.

  I’ve noticed subtle signs of panic throughout the day, such as his eyes rapidly darting around the room searching for threats. A few times he’s leapt from his chair and started pacing around manically, muttering under his breath. The good news is these instances have been happening less frequently the longer I’ve stayed but I still notice.

  Xander is slowly opening up to me in ways he’s comfortable with. I should happily accept the noticeable changes Xander has already made, and not put more pressure on him, but mixing in a little fun never hurt anyone. Especially if it benefits both of us.

  He allowed me to take over his home and rearrange his personal belongings however I pleased. I wanted to try pushing the limits a few times by purposely doing stuff that used to drive Xander crazy. It makes me sound so rotten but I was desperate for him to unleash his passionate side again.

  It was time to find a solution for this dry patch we’ve been lingering in. I stretch my tired limbs as I roll onto my back. My jerky movements wake Xander and he gradually begins shifting around. I toss out a loud groan for good measure and arch my back further. The shirt I’m wearing lifts up past my hips to expose my bare butt to the cool air. When I glance back at Xander, his focus is zoomed in on my naked skin. Turns out there is a definite benefit to running out of clean panties. This might be easier than I thought.

  “Good morning.” My voice rasps and sounds sultry even to my own ears. Upon hearing my words, Xander snaps his eyes away from my body before mumbling an unintelligible response.

  I don’t let that deter my plans. I bounce to the end of the mattress and slide my feet to the floor. I walk around to where Xander sits on the floor, making sure to add extra s
way to my hips.

  He tips his head up to look at me before lifting a brow in question. “What’s up, Willow? You look suspicious as hell.” Apparently nothing gets past this guy. Except all my previous, extremely obvious, advances.

  I pretend to be oblivious and casually shrug my shoulders. “A shower sounds like a good way to start the day. After breakfast, I figure I can finish the scarf I started yesterday unless you have other ideas?”

  Xander continues staring at me with a bland expression so I turn away and sashay toward the bathroom. Halfway there, I grip the bottom hem of my shirt and deliberately take my sweet time taking it off.

  A quick glimpse over my shoulder confirms Xander is watching my little striptease. A flirty grin lifts my lips as I walk over the threshold and grip the doorknob. Xander’s signature growl filters across the space but I don’t allow the sexy noise to distract me.

  The water turns on with a hiss and I step back to let it warm up. I look around the small room and wish the mirror was intact. By this point, my appearance must be atrocious. Xander only has the essentials, which does not include conditioner or a brush. Don’t get me started on the lack of moisturizer around here. Thankfully, I’m not too high maintenance and I’d learned to survive with far less while frequently camping over summer weekends.

  Once the steam starts rising, I hastily step under the stream. I’m just getting my hair wet when the shower curtain is ripped open. A shrill shriek slips from my throat even though I had been hoping Xander would interrupt at any moment.

  He looks furious but I recognize lust shining bright in his blue eyes. “You think you can just sneak away after teasing me, Willow? You won’t get away with that shit.”

  Is he serious right now? I obviously wanted him to chase me. I’ll spell it out for him if that’s what he needs. I take a small step back so the water is no longer spraying my face.

  I deliberately drag my tongue along my already wet lips. “I was hoping for some company in here. I’ll wash your back if you wash mine.”

  Shock registers on his face. I’m not usually so bold but I’m done waiting.

  “When did you become such a vixen? Tell the truth, Willow, you’re not interested in getting clean. What you really want is to get dirty.” Xander’s tone hints at his arousal, which is confirmed when I check out the substantial bulge jutting out from his shorts.

  All I could do was whisper, “yes.”

  The way Xander is staring at me heats my core past boiling. He seems ready to devour me as he trails his gaze along my naked flesh.

  He doesn’t hesitate once he jumps into the tub and backs me against the cool tiles. Before I can blink, Xander’s head swoops down and his lips brutally meet mine. I graciously relax my jaw so his searching tongue can explore the depths of my mouth. Our parted lips are fused together and the intimate connection causes my heart to race.

  Xander’s slick chest easily slides along mine and the sensation against my nipples has me moaning into our kiss. I hate the fabric barrier between our hips and I desperately wanted it gone. My hands fly to the waistband of Xander’s briefs with the intention of getting rid of them.

  He separates from my lips to suck along my jaw. Once he’s near my ear, he gently bites the lobe before muttering some straight sexiness.

  “Are you aching? Do you need relief, Willow?” Xander’s grumbled words momentarily distract me.

  My charged response was immediate. “Oh my gosh, yes! Please, Xander. Don’t make me wait.” I rock into him so he’ll know exactly how he was affecting me.

  “I’m not going to fuck you, Willow. Not like this.”

  I freeze once his statement registers past the lust clouding my brain. Why the heck wouldn’t he want sex? This better not be some stupid game or his way of getting back at me for taunting him.

  He speaks again before I have a chance to ask what his problem is. “The next time I sink deep into your body, we’ll be in my bed, where you belong. Then I can properly take care of you exactly how I’ve imagined worshipping you since I was a horny little boy.”

  Xander licks along my neck before continuing. I shiver in anticipation. “I’m still ashamed of what happened our first time and I won’t do that rushed shit again. You’re testing my good intentions and I almost want to say fuck it, but I won’t do that again. No matter how fucking hot you are begging for it.”

  Dang, he knows how to reach me.

  “Let’s go then. I’m ready, Xander. I need you.” I’m impatient and frantic and I know my voice comes out in a whine. Xander nips my skin before sucking the sting away.

  “Not yet, Willow. I have plans and you’re too worked up for me follow through with them. I’ll ease your throbbing for now though. Don’t fucking worry.” As he speaks, his hand snakes between my thighs to emphasize his meaning. His fingers slip through my tingling slit and sparks ignite through my lower body. Xander alternates between biting, kissing, and sucking as he makes a path to my collarbone. He leans down so his mouth can feast on my breasts. Then he slips a nipple into his mouth and sucks. Hard. It feels so freaking amazing an aching throb hums through me, especially combined with his attention to my core.

  His touch centers on my clit and spins rapid circles around the bundle of responsive nerves. The pulsing sensations are overwhelming and this is just from his fingers. My nails claw at his arms as I attempt to anchor myself to him through this intense pleasure.

  When he eases a thick digit into my quivering center, I lose my breath on a gasp.

  Holy crap.

  I can’t fathom anything better until he rubs the hidden spot no one has ever found. My legs tremble then my entire body starts to shake. I snap my eyes closed as the flames engulf me. This powerful orgasm has me soaring and reeling like I’ve never experienced before. I’m floating yet I feel heavy at the same time.

  I lose track of time as the vibrations continue coursing through me. When I finally regain control, my unfocused gaze peers down at the man placing delicate kisses along my stomach.

  As if feeling my stare, Xander looks at me before breaking me apart further. “Was that good for you, baby?” He’s throwing around terms of endearment now? Xander is sprouting serious seeds within me that he wants me around for the long haul.

  I run my fingers through his wet hair and let a relaxed smile lift my lips. I decide not to comment on the nickname in fear of ruining the moment.

  The version of Xander I stumbled upon four days ago was already being a distant memory, and I was so thankful for that.

  * * *

  Once Willow comes down from her climax, she tries returning the favor and even though I was fucking desperate to bury myself in her, I forced myself to wait until later. I shuck my shorts and take a legit shower with her.

  Instead of getting off, I wash her back before she suds up mine. It’s cheesy as hell but I couldn’t give a shit. I love this girl and she’s finally mine. I’m going to tell her tonight, no holding back.

  When I called her baby, the shock registered on her expressive face and her reaction made me realize she was starving for more sweetness. Willow’s eyes popped open wide as her breathing stalled so I dipped in for a quick kiss. The way her body melted into me was fucking paradise.

  I can’t deny how much she’s already changed me. I want to be a better man because of her and believe I’m taking steps in the right direction.

  Willow is breathing life back into my detached soul. She keeps the darkness away which makes it very easy to be around her. I’m gobbling up her light and basking in the fucking brightness. There’s always the underlying worry that she’s going to leave me, since I can’t escape the awareness that she’s eventually going to. For now, I do my best to push those depressing thoughts away since it makes my mood plummet instantly.

  I feel like a bastard keeping Willow locked away out here. She’s an outgoing person and always has been, so I’m positive there are plenty of people missing her right now. I bet she has a wonderful life back in the city but I wa
nt her all to myself. At least she hasn’t brought up going back yet but she’s dropped a few hints about specific things she’s missing.

  A big problem is her lack of clothing. I don’t see the issue but Willow keeps talking about it. There is an old ass washing machine here that came with the house but I don’t have a dryer. The clothes have to hang by the fire since it’s the middle of winter, which takes so fucking long. She’s been stuck wearing the same dirty shit over the past few days. She refuses to wear the previous day’s panties so she’s been going without. Again, I don’t see the problem.

  I really don’t mind the fact that Willow has been sleeping in my shirts. It actually really fucking turns me on, which is why I suggested she put one on after our shower. I’ll be uncomfortably rock hard all day just from staring at her but I guess that just makes me a glutton for punishment.

  After we’re dressed, I attempt making a decent breakfast for a change. Usually I eat whatever is quick and simple. I’ve never put too much thought into cooking. A slice of bread with some type of fruit was my typical morning meal but I want to do something special for Willow. Maybe it would help show that living here isn’t so bad.

  Thankfully, an order of groceries was delivered yesterday so I have some decent options. I settle for the classic eggs, hash browns, and bacon combo. Willow raises a suspicious brow when she catches me whipping the yolks while trying not to burn the potatoes.

  “Need any help? I don’t have to sit here doing nothing, you know,” she offers after noticing my glance in her direction.

  A vision of us cooking together flits through my memory and reminds me of our past. It was something we often did together on the weekends when our parents weren’t around. We were pretending to be adults by acting all domesticated but I never had a problem playing house with Willow.