Redefining Us: A Reclusive Novel

by Harloe Rae

  Things might be drastically different now but I want that feeling back, so I agree without hesitation. “All right. How about you take over the eggs. Scrambled still good with you?”

  Willow slides in close to me for access to the stove. She bumps into me with her hip before replying, “Of course.” Then she scoffs like my question offended her before skidding back into her own space.

  She’s temptation fucking personified so I lean closer to lay a smack on her ass before grabbing a handful of the delectable flesh. Then I place a kiss on her cheek for good measure. When I pull back, I notice pink blossoming where my lips just were. Willow blushing over me is too fucking much. This woman is, without a doubt, going to be the end of me.

  She clears her throat before speaking. “So, I’ve been meaning to ask you something.” Her eyes flash to mine before quickly darting away. My gut clenches uncomfortably when I assume the worst.

  She can’t fucking leave me yet.

  “Please hear me out before you refuse, okay?” Willow looks to me for confirmation and when I give a jerky nod, she continues, “You know I spoke with my mom last night. Well, she wanted me to ask if your mom could come out here to visit you.”

  I’m already shaking my head in the negative before she’s done talking. “No way, Willow. No. I can’t stand the thought of anyone else being here. I can’t fucking do it.” The panic starts to rise imagining my mother knocking on the door, trying to come in. I back away from the kitchen and begin anxiously stomping around the living room.

  Willow turns off the burners and the room smells like spoiled crap. It reminds me of our breakfast that has now been ruined.

  Fucking great.

  Why did she have to bring this shit up? I had plans for us today and now I’m wound up so fucking tight my stomach hurts. I grab a nearby chair with the intention of hurling it across the room. Instead I slump down on the seat in a defeated heap.

  With my head lowered, I don’t see Willow approaching but I hear her light steps. Her warm grip on my shoulder brings relief to my panicked mind but it doesn’t stop the maddening thoughts completely.

  Guilt is seeping in because of my hostile reaction. This is my mother we are talking about, the woman that raised me. Not some fucking stranger. Why am I having such a difficult time seeing her? I’m sure my refusal has caused her a lot of pain. We used to be extremely close and now I can’t handle having her in my house?

  What the fuck.

  I realize Willow has been speaking to me but I didn’t catch any of it. Sounds like she’s apologizing for upsetting me, which makes me feel even worse.

  I’m such a piece of shit.

  I interrupt her unnecessary explanation. “Stop saying you’re sorry, Willow.” My harsh tone causes her to suck in a sharp breath but it doesn’t deter me. “There is nothing for you to feel bad about. This shit is on me. I’m the fuckup that can’t stand the thought of people near me. All you did was make a request for someone that cares about me. I’m just having a tough time getting past my bullshit right now.”

  Willow gives my arm a squeeze before responding. “I understand, Xander. I didn’t mean to upset you but I promised my mom I would at least ask.”

  A groan travels from my chest. “You didn’t make me mad. Don’t you dare take blame, Willow. I’m fucking frustrated with myself. I can’t believe I thought I was making progress. Clearly I’m not capable of getting better. I’m fucking insane.” I hear the growl rumble in my throat and it reminds me of the man that roared at Willow when she first arrived.

  Fuck.

  “Xander, stop. You are being way too hard on yourself. You’ve made such great strides these last few days. I’m so proud of you and I’m honored that you’ve allowed me to be here. You can’t be so critical of your healing. You’re the only one that knows your true limits and as long as you’re trying to move forward, you’re making improvements.”

  She’s so calm and collected when she psycho-babbles. I don’t mind in this case because her advice actually resonates with me. Willow has been an essential part of any growth I’ve managed to make. I owe her a lot and I don’t want to disappoint her again.

  The right fucking thing to do is let my mom come out here. After the way I acted the last time she tried to visit, I wasn’t sure she would be willing to come back. Clearly I didn’t scare her away permanently.

  And honestly, I’m secretly pleased that my mom is sticking with me, even though my behavior toward her was repulsive. It would tear me apart if she actually gave up like I had demanded she do.

  Willow hasn’t said much for a few minutes, which is giving me with the opportunity to process through this shit. I feel trapped and I fucking hate it. I need to make the right choice and stop letting the anxiety control me.

  I force the words out through my clenched jaw. “You can tell her to come out here. I’m not sure how I’ll handle it once she’s here but I need to at least try. She deserves better than a savage beast for a son.” Thinking of how far I’ve fallen into the darkness brings a huge cloud of gloom over my already sour mood. If I head down this destructive path, I’m not sure I’ll make it out. Thankfully Willow breaks apart my thoughts and disrupts my deprecation.

  “Are you sure?” She pauses until I nod. “I hope you don’t feel forced into this. I know how much it would mean to your mom though. I’ll call and see when she can be out here. Maybe we could plan for tomorrow?” The idea of dealing with this mound of anxiety for that long makes my head throb.

  I tell Willow exactly how I feel. “It needs to happen now. Today. I’m a wreck just thinking about it and I don’t want to get fucking worse. If we’re going to have my mom out here, I won’t wait. Tell her that. She will make it work.” I’m a selfish asshole but I refuse to struggle in agonized anticipation. The dread is already surging through my veins.

  Willow rubs down my arm before returning her attention to my shoulder. I realize she’s specifically touching skin covered in ink. It settles me slightly believing she’s relishing my tattoo.

  “Alright, Xander. I’ll pass your message along. It’ll all work out. Don’t stress, okay? She only wants to spend time with you.” Her voice is close to my ear and her warm breath feels good on my neck.

  I turn my head so our foreheads touch. I don’t fucking know what I’d do without Willow here. My eyes close as I release a long exhale.

  “I appreciate everything you’re doing for me. I hope you know that. Even though I’m terrible at telling you. I don’t want my mom to get her hopes up too high. Can you fill her in on my fucked up mental situation? She can’t stay out here. She doesn’t expect that, right?” The panic swells until it begins to take over my thoughts.

  Maybe this is a huge mistake.

  Willow places her hand on my cheek and I lean into her touch. “I said don’t stress, Xander. Your mom will be ecstatic with the fact you’re open to having her visit. Even for a few moments. Trust me, she will be very understanding. You’re in charge, all right?” Her words act as a balm to my erratic nerves. I like the idea of being in control, even though I know my demons really run the show.

  I kiss Willow’s palm before she pulls her hand away. Then I murmur a quiet, “All right.”

  Willow straightens and takes a step back. “Do you want to come with me while I make the call?”

  “I can stay here. I’ll clean up the kitchen and try to salvage some of our breakfast. It’ll help clear my mind.” I try to inject confidence in my tone. Having Willow out of the house is never easy for me but I don’t want to take the risk of cancelling the whole visit if I go with her.

  She pulls on her jacket and slides into her boots by the door. Willow blows me a kiss from across the room and I almost reach out to pretend I’m catching it. I wasn’t even surprised by my reaction. Willow is disengaging my weapons and calling my soul back to her. The ice that has been surrounding me is melting in her constant presence.

  This woman has me wrapped around her little finger and doesn’t even know
. I just have to hope she feels the same way. And it’s been a really fucking long time since I hoped for anything at all.

  * * *

  It totally floored me when Xander agreed to let Meredith come out here. I’m still trying to process this huge accomplishment for him, which is such an enormous step. Well, he needed some guidance and nudging but eventually Xander made a choice he should be proud of.

  Dedication to this man flows through me like the blood in my veins. I want to be by his side always, through the good times and bad. I’ll be here to experience every smile and laugh but also any struggle or argument that might come alone. No matter what, he’s all mine.

  My all-encompassing love for this stunning man amplifies further with each additional day. I want to bask in his profound shadow and continue soaking in his tantalizing company. Affection crashes over me and I find myself stunned that I lived so long without the knowledge of his true feelings. I need to open myself up completely and stop holding back.

  I’m straight up giddy about the noticeable transformation with Xander. The strides he’s made in such a short amount of time are really impressive. He’s pushed through his panic like very few are able to do. Xander has given me everything I’ve asked for and exceeded any expectations I was stupid enough to set. He’s inspired me and I’m ready to reveal all of my secrets. First we need to meet with his mother.

  I spoke to Meredith about an hour ago and she was a blubbering mess once I told her the good news. She couldn’t get out here fast enough, I guess, and even left her house while still talking to me on the phone. That warmed my heart. Xander was so loved but he wasn’t at a point to accept that yet. He’s getting closer each day though. This was proof of it.

  Meredith should be here any moment and Xander’s telltale signs of anxiety kick in with every second that passes. He was very specific in his demand to have her show up right away, which I totally understand. Once you’ve set your sights on something challenging, you want it over with quickly. Otherwise you start overthinking and creating mountains from anthills. I know this isn’t easy for him and my concern increases with the severity of his agitated behavior.

  The crunch of tires from outside alerts us of her arrival. Xander’s erratic movements suddenly halt and his already tense body locks up further. I quickly move toward him and wrap my arm around his waist. I can feel his heart pounding through the connection. I slip my hand under his shirt so I get direct contact with his heated skin. As my fingers glide around his hip, Xander relaxes slightly.

  I do my best to reassure him. “That’s your mom out there, Xander. You know her better than anyone else. She is here because she loves you and wants to support you. Nothing will happen. If you want her to leave, just give me the signal and I’ll tell her. I already talked to her about all of that and she totally understands. She’s beyond excited just to see you. Even for a few minutes. All right?”

  He doesn’t say anything for a few beats and I’m worried Meredith won’t get a glimpse of Xander before he pulls the plug. Then his rapid breathing begins to slow and he shakes out his rigid arms before seeking out my free hand. He grasps it tightly in his large palm and relaxes further.

  When he speaks, his voice trembles slightly. “Don’t let go, alright? I mean it. I can do this but I need you here. I don’t care how that makes me sound. You’re my strength when the darkness threatens to consume me. I’m really overwhelmed right now but I want this to happen. Can you open the door?”

  This man continues to impress me. My brave friend. That title wasn’t adequate anymore but hopefully we could figure that out after clearing this hurdle. I stand on my tiptoes to reach his mouth, which is as much for me as it is for him. Our lips meet for a brief kiss but so much power and strength passes between us for those short seconds.

  Together we shuffle to the door before I unlock the series of deadbolts. I place my hand on the knob but look at Xander before twisting it. His eyes shine with bravery as his posture straightens with confidence. He clenches his jaw and a muscle tics in his cheek. Xander’s face paints a complex canvas. So much is swirling within his blue depths but I’m pleased to see the most predominate is determination.

  The deteriorating wood opens with a creak and a gust of freezing air greets us. Meredith is still sitting in her car but her gaze is intensely focused on our position. Tears are already streaming down her cheeks. My lips lift into an encouraging smile as I wave her way. Xander stands like stone at my side but at least he isn’t retreating back into the house.

  Meredith rushes out of her vehicle to greet us on the rickety porch. Her hurried steps cause her to stumble on the snowy terrain and I try to reach out with a helpful hand but am yanked back by Xander’s unbreakable hold. When my confused gaze swings his way, I catch the distinct look of fear covering his entire face. Under his thatch of facial hair, his skin is ghostly white and drained of color. Xander’s mouth is parted in shock and his expressive orbs are wide with dread.

  I recognize that look immediately. More than ever, I will be his pillar to lean on. I squeeze his hand with mine for emphasis but I get no reaction.

  Once his mom passes the slippery ground and rotting steps, she is standing a few feet from us. I used to see Meredith fairly often but it seems the last few months haven’t been very kind to her. The usually perfect curls covering her head are flat and lifeless. Her makeup is smeared and a total wreck. The wrinkles she rightfully earned as a mother appear deeper than ever. I badly want to wrap my arms around her in a comforting embrace but I know Xander can’t.

  As if hearing my thoughts, Meredith shifts forward and reaches out to her son. That sudden movement wakes Xander from his paralyzed state and he staggers back on unsteady legs. Then something inside him snaps. It happened very suddenly but I swore I saw the shift happened in slow motion.

  Xander was frightened and freaked out then his guard slammed down leaving him hollow and indifferent. I hadn’t seen this side of him for several days and I wanted to stamp my foot in frustration. His top lip lifted into a snarl as he narrowed his eyes into furious slits. I have to turn this disaster around quickly. I refuse to watch him return to the empty shell he was hiding behind when I first arrived.

  When my attention directs back to Meredith, I watch as her face crumples in agony. She dips her chin to hide the new onslaught of tears but her distress is displayed clearly enough across her defeated disposition for us to see. I tried to prepare Meredith when I spoke to her earlier but she’s not handling this well. I’m not sure how much Xander is actually absorbing right now but hope he hasn’t completely closed himself off.

  My heart tears into two busted up pieces as these individuals suffer on separate sides. It’s my job to bridge the freaking gap, which is going to require some serious intervention. My gaze swings between them a few times before I decide to break the silence.

  “Alrighty! I think we need to start over. Xander?” I attempt to turn his mood around by gently stroking his arm. His head jerks, as though he’s startled by touch, as his face tilts down toward me. Xander’s stare is vacant but genuine warmth begins peeking through the gloom. A relieved sigh eases past my lips as I realize this isn’t a lost cause.

  Meredith is sniffling but otherwise remains quiet, which allows me to keep focusing on Xander. “Can you come back to me, please? You know I don’t like it when you’re grumpy.” Our current situation is too serious so I try injecting a little sass.

  Xander blinks slowly and his eyes gradually regain their usual dynamic layers. He leans closer until our foreheads touch. “Willow.” His voice seems to rumble when he groans out my name. Xander’s complexion was ashen as the agony continues to rush through him but at least he dodged the darkness.

  My fingers edge along his jaw before cupping his cheek. “There you are. I see you, remember? I know you so well, Xander. Don’t hide from me.” I close my eyes as the words tumble out.

  A choked gasp yanks us from our blissful bubble. I turn my head toward Meredith as she claps an
open palm over her mouth. The tears are still flowing from her eyes but she looks . . . happy?

  “I should go. You’re dealing with too much already, Xander. I shouldn’t have come. Not yet. Maybe we can talk soon, Willow? Take care of him for me, alright?” Meredith doesn’t give me a chance to respond before she’s turned around and racing to her car.

  It can’t end like this so I need to talk with her before she leaves. As if hearing my concern, Xander eases back to place a kiss on my temple before straightening to his full height. He’s silently giving me permission to leave his side. He releases my hand from his grasp and I flash him a grateful smile before taking off down the wretched stairs.

  Meredith is getting settled into her vehicle as I quickly arrive. “Wait! Please don’t go.” I skid to a stop near her open door and almost fall on my butt.

  “Oh, sweetie. You don’t need me here. I can see for myself that Xander is in very capable hands. I shouldn’t have forced my way out here, especially not so soon. He isn’t ready and I’m all right with that. The difference between now and when I last saw him is already significant. You’ve only been out here a few days. I am confident that you’ll get our Xander back. An epiphany of sorts suddenly came to me, which had me realizing I need to leave. I’m fine, Willow. Don’t you worry about me.” Meredith is so calm all of a sudden and I don’t quite understand the abrupt change. They didn’t even talk.

  “You can stay, Meredith. We can work something out. I didn’t mean to make you feel unwelcome. Xander is dealing with a lot, yes, but he wanted to see you.”

  “Willow, don’t start with that silly babble. You gave me the chance to see something truly special. What you two share is remarkable and it helps with my hurt knowing my son has you around. Keep doing what you’re doing. How long can you stay out here with him?” Her question causes my chest to tighten. Thinking about leaving causes my pulse to skyrocket but it has to happen eventually.