Redefining Us: A Reclusive Novel

by Harloe Rae

  I pull back after a few beats so we won’t get too off track. The affection shining from his glossy irises makes me swoon. I bring my palm up to cup Xander’s scruffy jaw before running my fingers through his coarse beard. He moans in pleasure and the noise almost has me rethinking the direction our morning is headed. I scratched my nails along his skin a few more times before tucking my hand under his shoulder again.

  Xander understands that’s his cue to continue. “This is where shit gets fucked up. Bear with me during this part, yeah?”

  I’m nodding before he finishes the question.

  “Our typical day involved routine checks and general maintenance of the surrounding area. We were often on patrols together, which was great because no one got left behind. The town we were stationed in was a non-hostile area so there shouldn’t have been a risk. We were fortunate to be away from active fighting and combat zones. We passed through that small community several times a week to meet with our civilian allies. They were our ears and eyes on the streets, just in case a gang got ballsy and tried to riot. We were just there to ensure the peace was being kept, which pissed off a lot of locals. By this time, most of the serious fighting was over but sometimes a rebel group would strike.

  “On this particular day, it was my turn to talk with our sources. Everyone else planned to move forward and I’d meet them at the checkpoint a block away. As soon as I got out of the truck, I had a funny feeling. People always say that when something horrible is about to happen but for me it was true. This fucking gut instinct. There was no indication or intel of a threat at our usual stop so I went along with protocol. I’d completed the same damn recon countless times so I shook off the bullshit feeling.

  “That was the biggest mistake of my life. We never saw it coming, Willow. One minute, my brothers were alive and fucking well. Collins was smiling at me while telling me to hurry up, which was so fucking typical. They were all joking around and being a bunch of idiots. I remember laughing with them and thinking life ain’t too bad.

  “The next, there was a catastrophic blast that rocked the fucking ground I’d been standing on. I had just started moving toward the building when the Humvee soared through the air like a fucking rocket. My buddies were screaming, bleeding out, and fucking dying, while I lay in the fucking dirt unable to move. I was in and out of consciousness but I tried so fucking hard to reach them. My brothers were taking their last breaths and I didn’t do a damn thing to help them.

  “I have no clue how long I was trapped in that somewhat lucid state but it couldn’t have been long. Soon enough shit went black and the next time I woke up, I was in the fucking hospital with no memories. Zero. I was stuck in this fucking limbo because I couldn’t recall a damn thing. I was surrounded by strangers that didn’t fucking understand what the hell was wrong with me.

  “My physical injuries were really significant so I couldn’t fucking move. I was stuck in a bed for weeks before they let me up on my own. Even then, I was under constant surveillance. Apparently, I was a serious flight risk and a threat to myself, like a fucking loon.” Xander was spitting the words like venom. I rubbed along his scalp in an attempt to soothe him.

  After taking a few deep breaths, he kept going. “I’m still bitter about all that medical bullshit. I spent months balancing on the edge of sanity while trying to recall anything from my life before I became a blank slate. It was torture, Willow. I didn’t think it could get much worse, until one random day, the visions began swooping in. The images were exact replicas of that day, over and over. Similar to echoes but out of fucking nowhere. Once that started, I was begging for the ignorant numbness to return. I couldn’t fucking concentrate without hearing voices. If someone touched me, I went berserk. The doctors tried to talk to me, but I wasn’t fucking interested in their bullshit. The hallucinations haunted me constantly and slowly started driving me crazy. It was fucking hell and I couldn’t stand it.” Xander’s tone is coated with so much disdain that a shudder rolls through me.

  With a grunt, Xander continues. “Eventually I was able to create a version of normal that the doctors and authorities accepted. It was fucking bogus since I was wracked with nightmares nonstop. I couldn’t handle being stuck in that place another day though and I was desperate. I was transferred to a military base in Maryland for additional debriefing and mandatory therapy. More intensive shit that I didn’t want to deal with but faked my way through it. After several weeks, I was finally given the all clear and honorably discharged. They thanked me for my service and explained how vital my time in the army was. It didn’t feel like the right thing but I took off without a backward glance.” Xander growls as his teeth grind down hard. He yanks at his hair while clenching his jaw before he’s ready to tell me the rest. My heart and mind are sobbing in sorrow for him. I clutch one of his tight fists with my hands before bring it to my lips for a soft kiss. I can only hope he hears my silent support.

  “I hitched any ride I could find to reach Minnesota. I didn’t have a plan other than getting the fuck away from society. I stumbled on this cabin by accident and the owner was more than willing to rent it out. Pretty positive no one has lived here in years but I didn’t require anything fancy. I moved in almost two months ago, right around the year anniversary of the ambush. I was really fucking glad to be alone but I almost didn’t survive that night.”

  “Since then, I’ve kept to myself out here. I was plagued with thoughts of my fallen brothers and how I should have died with them. They were my fucking team and I deserted them by staying alive. I didn’t feel deserving of life so I caved to the constant destruction and debilitation my mind put me through. Just what I thought I wanted, until you showed up.” He clears his throat nervously before shifting his gaze from the ceiling to my face.

  His eyes scour into my soul as he waits for my reaction but I need a quick minute to compose myself. I am stunned speechless after everything he just revealed. Xander has openly communicated with me about the worst year of his life and I’m freaking gutted with misery. I’m overcome by gut-wrenching agony as I envision everything the love of my life went through. Everything in my body pangs with deep-seated hurt as though I’m physically wounded by his story. I had no clue about the heavy weight of grief he has been dragging around for so long or the daily battles Xander fights with his mind.

  This is beyond belief and once again I find myself wishing I could have been with him through all of this. My soul was slashed with how distant we’d become and I found myself frequently calling out to Xander in my dreams. Maybe this was a huge part of that. Secretly I knew he was suffering and I should have been by his side. I’m so freaking thankful that we are together through this now.

  He should have been done with combat after leaving the military but he was still waging war daily. I feel so grateful that he chose me.

  My heart bleeds for this man, my sweet friend and passionate lover. I cried the entire time Xander was talking but thankfully it didn’t seem to distract him. He survived such a horrific incident and he hates himself for it. To be the only remaining individual from such a tight knit group would be devastating.

  Xander has so much contempt for himself and actually thinks he should have died too. My soul is weeping for it’s other half, which makes my chest feel like caving in. My eyes burn and my head is spinning. I’m worn out from slamming through a spectrum of emotions. I try to collect my thoughts and formulate words so I can give Xander the response he deserves.

  “I can’t tell you enough how proud I am of you, Xander. Not only for what you accomplished during your time in the service, but more importantly for coming back alive. If you weren’t here right now, I wouldn’t have you in my arms. We would have never confessed the love between us. I would have lived my life without you and that would’ve slowly continued to break me. You have brought true happiness back into my bland existence and for that, I am so blessed. We have each other again, Xander. Thank you for making your way back to me.” I almost don’t finish my declar
ation before the emotion takes over.

  Tears slide down my heated cheeks but I’m beyond the point of caring. This man has given me everything so I won’t hide from him. Xander swipes a few errant streaks away before placing a gentle peck on my pouty mouth. He hums deep in his throat, which says so much without uttering a syllable. When he leans back, I’m shocked for an entire different reason.

  A genuine smile is cracking his stony exterior and lifting his usually flat lips. Xander’s grim demeanor vanishes with this display of joy. My breath hitches and fire floods my veins as I continue soaking this rarity in.

  Don’t get me wrong, Xander has always been an extremely attractive male specimen, but his surly attitude could be slightly off-putting when he never flashed a grin. The sullen Grizzly Adams look really works for him though and adds to his overall appeal. Throwing this smirk into the mix is totally lethal and potent. I don’t stand a freaking chance. My mouth hangs open in shock as my cheeks heat to a furious degree. He must find my stunned stupor hilarious because he actually releases a hint of a laugh. That tiny chuckle is catastrophic to my lady bits and does funny things to my heart. As if the smile wasn’t sexy enough.

  Cheese and rice.

  Xander doesn’t spend much time focusing on my reaction before circling back to the original topic. “So, the beard started as camouflage but morphed into laziness. I didn’t care that I was still breathing, much less what I looked like. Maybe now is the time for a shave. What do you think? Will you help me, Wills?” The delight shining from his eyes is dazzling.

  “Abso-freaking-lutely. Especially if you keep smiling. Where are the hedge clippers?”

  He snorts at my choice of words and giddy butterflies erupt in my belly. I realize my Xander has been here the entire time, I’ve just finally rediscovered him.

  * * *

  Once I purged all the details of the ambush, it felt like a heavy load had been lifted from my chest. Willow and I seem even closer, which I didn’t think was possible. The way she is looking at me, with so much love and faith, has my heart soaring and my cock hardening. What can I say? I’m still a fucking man. One who happens to be totally pussy whipped. When she was nestled between my legs to help me shave, it tested every last bit of my wavering control.

  My mind is quietly peaceful when she stares at me like I’m her reason for living. This sense of calm hasn’t resonated within me since I left for boot camp.

  That thought has a memory floating down on me.

  Willow was at my house and we were watching some comedy she picked out. We were sitting way too close on the couch to be considered friendly, but that’s how we were. Willow’s head was perched on my shoulder while she skated her fingers along my forearm. She had her legs draped over my lap so my palm rested on her thigh.

  I was tenting some serious wood but that was nothing new. I had a perpetual hard on for this girl and my balls had a serious case of the blues.

  Willow was all I could think about but I made a pretty huge choice today, so I wasn’t able to focus on the movie for shit. A chill covered my skin when I thought of how Willow would react when I told her I’d finally decided to enlist in the military. I internally smacked myself for this wishy-washy nonsense. I cleared my throat and prepare to just blurt it out.

  “Hey Wills? I wanna tell you something. Don’t freak out, all right?” She lifted her head so she could look at my face before lifting an inquisitive eyebrow. That was her confirmation to continue.

  “I spoke to a recruiter for the Army today. Remember I mentioned I was considering it? Well, I’m going to join once I’m eighteen. He assured me I would remain stateside for a large portion of my contract but there’s a chance I’ll go overseas.” Pretty sure that all came out in one breath because my lungs were burning once I finished.

  I heard Willow suck in a gasp halfway through my speech so I wasn’t surprised to see the concerned expression on her face. I squeezed her leg to prompt a response and she gave her head a little shake as tears clouded her sparkling eyes.

  “X, I don’t know what to say. Selfishly I want to tell you not to go. I’m so scared of what will happen to you and I’ll miss you so freaking much. What am I supposed to do when you’re gone? I realize how immature that is and know you are going off to fight for our country. You’ll be the bravest, strongest, and most impressive soldier. The Army doesn’t understand how lucky they are yet but they will. I’m so proud of you!” She cuddled closer into my side and I wondered if she was trying to hide her tears. I knew this girl too well. Even if I wasn’t clued in, her sniffles would have given it away.

  I wrapped my arms around her and held on tight. “Wills, nothing bad will happen to me. I know how to protect myself and I’ll have thoughts of you keeping me safe. This is just something I have to do, you know? To protect and serve. It gives me the chance to prove I’m more than just some kid. I’m not destined for college right away so this works out perfectly. Promise me you won’t overthink this.”

  Her body shuddered with silent sobs so I lifted her chin to gain the attention of her emerald irises.

  “Wills, I’m your best friend. Remember? I always know what’s going on in here.” I tap her temple for emphasis. “I will come back to you. Your friendship means everything to me but I have to do this. I promise to return in one piece so everything can go back to normal. Can you get on board with that?”

  Willow bit her bottom lip before nodding slightly. More tears spilled down her cheeks before she collapsed into my embrace. I barely heard her speak so I couldn’t quite make out the words but they sounded a lot like, “I love you.”

  My hopeful heart began beating erratically at the thought. Those words were on the tip of my tongue so it has to be my wild imagination playing tricks on me. Willow couldn’t possibly feel the same way about me.

  I may not have exactly kept my promise but we made it back to each other regardless. As I kiss the top of her head and snuggle her closer into my side, I realize fate must have planned it like this. We were always destined to be together but we had to redefine us first.

  Life is starting to make sense again and I couldn’t believe it. I have my Wills back.

  I bet most couldn’t be satisfied with a life out in the boondocks but over the last week we kept plenty busy. We spent our time cooking meals, taking hikes, and playing Monopoly. I watched her knit several hats and I even agreed to model a few. Willow read me excerpts from her smutty books and I tried teaching her the proper way to split wood. There was also plenty of fucking. Willow referred to it as making love, and damn do I love her, but I refused to call it that in my head. I was fucking crazy about this girl but wasn’t completely ready to turn in my man card. I had to keep some of my masculinity or Willow would think I’d gone completely soft.

  I quickly learned I’d do anything to see Willow smile and hear her laugh. Now, I’m so fucking gone that every piece of me belongs to her. I need to be constantly touching her because she soothes any jagged edge that threatens to surface. Waking up well rested with Willow wrapped in my arms took some getting used to, but now I need her sleeping next to me.

  I would happily spend my existence just being grateful for having her in my space.

  Our space.

  With each additional day, the love in my chest burns brighter. The adoration and devotion I’d always kept hidden is finally broadcasted in high-definition. My heart is sparking with vibrant life now that my soul has bound to it’s other half.

  Shit, I am so fucking screwed.

  At least that’s metaphorically and literally. That immature thought has me chuckling to myself, which pulls me up short. Just a few short weeks ago, I was in a state of constant torment and now I’m laughing. Willow is a fucking miracle worker.

  I’m so wrapped up in our exclusive paradise that I miss the signs Willow is practically waving in my face. She brings up her job frequently. She talks about the friends she met at school. Her apartment in the city. I’m blinded by the belief Willow is happy here and
wants to stay with me.

  Of course that isn’t a fucking realistic possibility.

  We’re spending a lazy morning in bed, my fingers are stroking through Willow’s glossy brown locks while she rests her head on my chest. My other hand is busy copping a feel of her tight ass. I’m peacefully drowsy while playing ridiculously cheesy scenarios out in my mind when Willow breaks the silence and my world crashes down in fucking shambles.

  “I’ve been here for almost two weeks, which is all the time I could get off work. I’ve been meaning to bring it up but it never seemed like the right time. I can’t avoid it any longer since I have to be back in the office on Monday.” She sounds robotic while smashing my heart into pieces.

  My body freezes in place and my palm stalls while sliding along her scalp. My muscles lock up and I’m sure my grip on Willow’s hip is close to painful. My anger is fucking instant as reality seeps in. Just like that, she needs to fucking go. Guess there is no point in sugar-coating it.

  The fury races up my throat as a roar escapes. “No! Fuck that bullshit. You can’t go back. You need to stay here because I can’t survive without you. It almost killed me last time.” I don’t care what I sound like. I need to change Willow’s mind.

  “Knock this shit off, Wills. You’re happy here. I know you are. I love you. What more could you want? I’ve given you everything I fucking have!” I clutch her impossibly tighter and yank her head back so she can stare into my eyes while she destroys me.