Wanting You

by Ryan Michele

  Deke had kissed me goodbye. The significance of this was more than I could bear. He didn’t get to five years ago, and this was his way of finally shutting the door. I should have known he’d be pissed. I just didn’t expect to see him this hurt.

  The first six months living with Aunt Tennie in California were terrible. I couldn’t eat or sleep, and I had no friends. No one. I was totally alone. My mom and aunt were either drunk or high and did nothing except occasionally give me money to get food because they had the munchies. I kept thinking it would get better, but I was dead wrong.

  I missed Deke and my friends, but my mom kept telling me Deke would have moved on soon after we left and crying over some man was pathetic. A guy like him wouldn’t wait around.

  I called Sawyer and Kinsley constantly, but my calls to Deke were never returned. I didn’t give up, but nothing ever came from any of my efforts. I was beyond hurt he didn’t answer—I was crushed. I just assumed my mom was right—I never meant anything to him.

  His reaction to me last night was not what I had expected. When I thought about it, I didn’t know what I expected. I knew I wanted him back in my life, but his dismissal at Sully’s showed me exactly where I rated in his eyes.

  Seeing him up on stage sent me into a tailspin. I watched as his muscles rippled each time he moved. Not to mention I wondered when he learned to play like that. I loved all the covers they sang and was mesmerized by the ones I didn’t know. He was absolutely gorgeous up there. No longer the boy that I knew, he was all man now.

  While his hair was a bit darker than the light blond it once was, it was unruly and begged to have a woman’s hands in it. There was no doubt in my mind that he worked out. His arms were like tree trunks—strong. My imagination went a bit wild about what was under that black tee he was wearing. His tattoos damn near made my mouth water. I’d always written about men with tattoos, but seeing his in person caused a whole new kind of reaction. Deke’s left arm from wrist to elbow had three black abstract stars, varying in size. Above the stars, partially hidden by his sleeve, was another that appeared to be a tribal tattoo, but with words that I was unable to read from where I stood. At that moment, I wanted to explore each one.

  When the set ended, I about lost my shit when I heard his voice. Once he was able to take his eyes off my body—mostly my chest—he looked in my eyes. Blue-gray on blue. I knew the moment he saw them he would recognize me.

  And then the kiss happened. Holy shit could that man kiss. I was too caught up in the way his lips moved to even have a reasoning bone in my body. I tried to resist, but turned into liquid in his arms. This was what I had wanted for so long, and suddenly it was happening.

  He stopped, his eyes turning cold as ice before the deadly blow: ‘Goodbye Vann.’ I never thought two words could hurt so badly.

  After getting my sorry ass home, Sawyer and Kinsley took me up to my room where I shooed them away. I didn’t want anyone around. I needed some space. I cried—for leaving, for my mother guilting me into leaving, for my mother’s drinking, for my father’s stupidity. I cried for Deke.

  At some point, I finally cried myself to sleep.

  Waking up to two women bouncing on my bed was not the way I wanted to start my day. I needed to remember to lock the damn door. “What do you want? I’m tired,” I moaned at them.

  “What do you want to do today?” Sawyer asked.

  “Nothing. Sleep.”

  “Stop that shit right now. Who gives a shit about Deke? You can do so much better than that man-whore.”

  My eyes shot to Kinsley. I should have known she wouldn’t let last night slide. “Drop it.”

  Plopping back down, I wrapped myself in a cocoon of blankets, but they didn’t stay on me long as Kinsley ripped them off.

  “Damn it!” I yelled.

  “I’m sorry, Vann,” Sawyer’s voice came out in a whisper.

  “Don’t be,” I said as I tried to pull the pillow in front of my face, but Kinsley stopped me.

  “Yeah, don’t be. She knew what could happen, and it’s done. Now let’s find some fresh meat!” Kinsley always had a way to make me smile even when I didn’t want to.

  “Ha. Ha.” Blowing out a deep breath, I said, “Look, I knew that he might have this reaction. It just hurt. I’m gonna give myself today to have a Vann pity party, and then I’ll be good. Okay?”

  Sawyer and Kinsley looked at each other, but Kins spoke, “Nope, you have the morning. This afternoon, we are getting manis, pedis, and going to lunch. So get your shit together.”

  “Whatever,” I mumbled, pulling my covers back over me. Hearing the door close, I allowed the final tears that I was going to cry over Deke flow out of me. For five years, all I had thought about was getting Deke back in my life. Now, he was really gone.

  My mouth tasted like fucking cotton, and I could barely open my eyes. Damn tequila. My bed didn’t feel right; it was bumpier than usual. Trying to take in my surroundings, seeing pink and feathers everywhere gave it away. Mindy’s. Fuck.

  Looking to my side confirmed it, as I saw the naked woman sprawled out on the bed. I don’t even remember seeing her after I started drinking. I needed to get the fuck out of here. Rolling off the bed, pulling my clothes on as fast as I could, I reached for my cell to call Z. “Hey. At Mindy’s. Come get me.”

  “Dude. I’m fucking sleeping. Can’t she take you?”

  “No. Come on.”

  Z sighed. “Damn it. Be there in five.”

  Hearing Mindy’s purr, I knew she was wake. Fuck, I almost made it. “Gotta go. Later.”

  “Wait. Who’s Vann?” Stopping dead in my tracks, I turned to look at her, the sheet falling down to her waist, her tits fully on display.

  “What?” I asked.

  “Who’s Vann? You kept calling me Vann last night. I’m all for role playing, but there toward the end, I was thinking she was an actual person.”

  “Why?” I said, raising my eyebrow.

  “You just kept saying shit about her leaving you. At least I’m assuming it’s a her.” I could see the hurt in Mindy’s eyes. It was time to break this shit.

  “I don’t date dudes, so what do you think? This thing between us is over. Don’t come to me anymore,” I ground out, throwing my boots on.

  “Why, what did I do? I let you call me another woman’s name and still kept fucking you.” Mindy’s face was flaming red. I knew this shit would happen. Women’s feelings always bubbled to the surface. This was exactly why I went for the easy fuck.

  “Done. Later.”

  Sitting on the front step, I tied my boots and waited for Z to show up. Fucking Vann. What did she think? I’d be happy to see her ass after all these years? She fucking left me. Left me. Fuck her.

  She looked nothing like the Vann I remembered. Five years ago, she was the epitome of a book nerd, even had the glasses to go with it. But I saw something different in her. Everyone at school used to tease the shit out of her for reading all the time and never partying like the rest of us, but not me.

  No one knew, but Vann was my fucking rock. She was there to catch me, at least for a little while.

  “I don’t know how this happened,” I whispered, lying on Vann’s lap. The lake was quiet—only the sounds of the crickets chirping breaking the silence. The reflection of the moon in the water was blurry from my tears. I couldn’t make them stop. There was only one person on this planet that I would allow to see them. Vann.

  “I’m so sorry, Deke.” Vann said those words to me hundreds of times over the past two months. Each time, I sucked them in. She stroked my hair over and over. I never told her that I absolutely loved it.

  Vann was the only one who didn’t blame me. She didn’t think it was my fault. My parents did, the town did, hell, even I did … everyone thought it was my fault, but Vann. She was always trying to convince me that it was an accident. But that didn’t help. Who gave a shit if even the cops thought it was an accident. It just meant that I wasn’t going to jail. I should be there�
�forever—for what I did. It’d be better than going through the hell of my everyday life now.

  It was almost two months since it happened. My mom refused to talk to me—what mom would do that? My dad only talked to me when he had to, but I’d take what I could get. My friends were still around, but no one said a word to me about it.

  Except for Vann.

  “I should have been watching more closely. If I would have, I could have stopped it.”

  “No, you couldn’t have,” Vann argued.

  “I could have at least tried,” I whispered.

  “Jaxson wouldn’t want you doing this to yourself.” Vann’s voice was shaky. She was always nervous when she said his name, like she was afraid I might blow up at her, which unfortunately I had done several times.

  “He’s not here to worry about it,” I clipped.

  “I know. But he loved you.”

  “That’s why I should have saved him, or it should have been me.” I’d never forget him yelling my name as the current took him under. I swam as fast as I could, but the undercurrent swept him away. I couldn’t find him, anywhere. I swam until my arms and legs wouldn’t work another second. The rescue squad found him four miles downstream.

  I knew we shouldn’t have been hanging out in the creek. It had rained the day before and the water was moving fast, but we were stupid. And it cost Jaxson his life.

  I looked up at the sound of a car horn as Z pulled into the drive. I needed to get my shit together.

  “What’s up?” Z asked, breaking the silence in the truck.

  “Nothing. Take me home,” I said, rolling the window down. I needed air.

  “Grump. What crawled up your ass?” Z snarled.

  “Mindy probably.”

  “I didn’t even see you leave with her.”

  I shrugged. “I don’t remember anything.”

  “You remember kissing Vann?” Z asked, glancing over at me.

  I met his eyes. “You think I’d fucking forget that?”

  “So you gonna spill it?” Z was fishing. He knew only what I told him about Vann, since he didn’t move here ‘til senior year, and I wanted to keep it that way.

  “Shut the fuck up and mind your damn business,” I growled, not wanting to talk about it.

  “Damn, who pissed in your cheerios?” I glowered at him. Sometimes Z didn’t know when the hell to shut up. “All I can say is Vann is fucking hot, and if you don’t go for it, I am.”

  “Are you out of your fucking mind?” I snarled. What the fuck was he thinking?

  “No, but you are if you don’t hit that shit. She’s unbelievable,” Z mused as he drove.

  “Stay the fuck away from her. Hear me!” I barked at him.

  “Whoa, bud. Don’t pop a fucking vein there. Is she your girl?”

  Is she my girl? She was supposed to be, but she fucking left me with nothing. But I’d be damned if I sat around and watched this asshole, best friend or not, make a move on her. Instead of answering, I stared out the window. Fuck him.

  “It’s cool.” Z must have realized I wasn’t going to answer him.

  Grunting my response, I just wanted to get the hell out of the fucking car. I needed to get to the gym and beat the hell out of something.

  After some much needed time out with Sawyer and Kinsley, I was now sporting hot pink toes, which were quite sexy if I said so myself. I told the girls I needed some time to write, but every time my fingers started on the keyboard, frustration took over.

  I knew I wasn’t going to let Deke Sullivan have any more control over me. I’d let him have too much for more than five years. All I’d wanted was him. Every man I’d been with, thoughts of Deke came to me. I know that was shitty to admit, but it was true. Now that I knew it wasn’t going to happen, I needed to let go. Trying to forget I lay my fingers on the keyboard, closed my eyes, and allowed them to type. I was immediately immersed in my fictional world, where the sex I wrote was hotter than what I was living …

  “Damn!” Kinsley’s voice made me jump.

  “What the hell?” I asked, grabbing my heart.

  “That was hot. Keep going.”

  I rolled my eyes. “Kins, when I’m writing you can’t do that shit. I lose my thoughts and have a hell of a time remembering them.”

  “Look if you want to read something, head up to the loft and grab a book. All mine are there, actually several copies of each.” I waved my arm toward my room.

  “Awesome! My vibrator will get some use.” She smiled.

  “If you’re gonna use your vibrator while reading it, keep the book please.”

  “Only if you sign it … Gabriella.” She laughed.

  “Ha. Ha. I don’t do signings, remember? The whole anonymity thing …”

  “Because of creepy?” Kinsley’s nose wrinkled in disgust.

  “Yeah. And others like him. There are some weird ones out there. I should show you some of the messages and pictures I get. You wouldn’t believe it.”

  “Oh, I so want to see. Are we talking nakedness?” Kinsley’s interest perked up.

  “Oh yeah. Nakedness of men old enough to be my father, with hairyass beer bellies, stroking their cocks.” I said nonchalantly as if none of it bothered me, but truth being told, it pretty much grossed me out.

  “WHAT?” Kinsley’s eyebrows shot together in apparent shock.

  “Yeah. That’s a sample. How about the variety set of dildos I got in my PO Box? They were all different sizes cause some guy ‘didn’t know what I’d need’.” I used my hands to demonstrate the different lengths he sent me. I didn’t dare tell her that one was written on in permanent marker… ‘this one is mine.’

  “Eww… I mean getting dildos from some weirdo is strange, but do you still have them. I could use a new one.”

  “Kinsley, gross!” I play slapped her arm trying to hold back a giggle.

  “I’m just saying.” Kinsley shrugged her shoulders as if it was no big deal.

  “Kinsley, I don’t keep any of that shit. I used to throw it all away, but now I have to catalog it and turn it over to the cops.”

  “Holy shit. You had to give a box of dildos to a cop?” Her question coming out more like a screech.

  I laughed. “Yep and it was fucking hilarious. The detective on the case set his tagger over. The guy was young, must have just joined the force and had no clue what he was getting. The look on his face when he opened that box was priceless. I wish to God I would have camera to capture his face. He’s actually in my book ‘Cuff ‘em.’ But in that book he ends up fucking the woman with them.”

  Kinsley joined in my laughter. “Well it sure as hell isn’t gonna be boring around here with your wicked mind.”

  “Hey, don’t knock it. Writing has been really good to me. I love my fans. There are only a few that freak me out, but I don’t let those ruin it for the others.” I said flippedly.

  “If you don’t do book signings, how do people know anything about you?”

  I shrugged. “Internet and social media. I’m an indie author, so I rely heavily on bloggers and word of mouth for my work. I have a pretty good following and made some good friends so that all works in my favor.”

  “So Gabriella Daniels. I get the Daniels, that’s your Grams’s last name. Where did you come up with Gabriella? You’ve never said.”

  I smirked. “Babynames.com.” Kinsley started laughing. “No really, I did. I had no clue what my pen name should be so I searched. Gabriella stuck.” After searching page after page of names.

  “I thought maybe it was your great great grandma’s name or had some significance.”

  I shut my laptop, setting it on the table. I knew I was done writing for the moment. “Nope. Eenie Meenie Miney Mo. Done. I liked the way it sounded.”

  “It’s awesome. I love it. How’d you learn about pen names?”

  I stared at her for a moment collecting my thoughts. “When I was in college a professor talked all about pen names and how some writers like their privacy. For me, I di
dn’t want my personal stuff getting out, mainly my mom being a drunk and, well, my dad being an ass. I wanted to deal with that shit on my own.”

  “Are you going to tell anyone here?” Kinsley asked.

  “Nope, the only ones who know are you, Saw, Grams and my editor, but I have a signed contract from my lawyer saying she can’t talk.” And thank God for that. I’d heard tons of shit has been getting leaked these last few months after some ‘investigations’ into author’s real information. I just prayed mine didn’t leak and get into the wrong hands.

  “How many books have you published?”

  I loved that Kinsley was taking an interest in my books. I might not be the highest paid or most sought after author, but I was proud of my accomplishments. “Right now, seventeen. I started when I left here and never stopped.”

  “Vann!” Sawyer yelled from the house.

  “What!” I yelled back immediately.

  “You’re phone’s been vibrating all over my counter. Would you pick it up already?” Sawyer huffed.

  “Yeah! Hang on. We good?” I asked Kinsley.

  “Yep. We’re going out tonight. Get ready.” Kinsley hopped up, grabbing my arm to ‘help’ me up.

  Groaning, I complained, “No, I really don’t want to. Look at last night. I don’t want to do it again.”

  “We’re not going there. You won’t see him. Get ready, we’re leaving in an hour and a half.” I knew I wasn’t going to let him rule my emotions, but I’d be damned if I was going to see him the night after his asshole behavior. I needed a little mental breather.

  “Great.” I plastered on a fake smile.

  Entering the kitchen, smells engulfed me. “God, Saw what are you making?”

  “My momma’s chicken parm. Get in the shower so we can eat and still have time to get ready,” she said while stirring something on the stove.

  “Fine.” Grabbing my phone off the counter, I saw I had six missed calls, all from Grams. She could be so persistent. Hitting send, she answered on the second ring. “Hey Grams, What’s up?”