The Memory of You

by Laurie Kellogg

  She’d known Matt had slept around, but she’d never guessed he’d been as sexually active as he was suggesting. “Okay, so about how many were there altogether?”

  “I can’t even begin to guess.” He shrugged.

  “If you were making love to that many—”

  “You don’t get it, Abby! I wasn’t making love. I was fucking, pardon my French. There’s a big difference.”

  “Okay. So if you were such a sex maniac, then why’d you give up all the other girls to date me?”

  A cynical snort erupted from him. “Why do you assume I gave them up?”

  It wasn’t an assumption. She’d overheard his friends teasing him about how his tool would shrivel up and fall off from lack of use.

  “Maybe because all your buddies kept telling me how I’d turned you into a monk. And why did you wait three months to make love to me?”

  “Probably because you were a novelty. I’d become used to being pursued, so you were a challenge. I’d never gone out with a nice girl before—and especially not a virgin.”

  She turned his face to stare into his eyes. “You said it was because you loved me.”

  “Be honest. Would you have gone to bed with me if I hadn’t told you that?”

  “No, of course not.”

  “Then you can’t trust what I said to you.”

  She’d never doubted him for a moment. “I didn’t believe it from your words. Your eyes told me how much you loved me. And I felt it in your touch and in the way you always put me first. Your actions proved how much you cared.”

  He pressed his face into the crook of her neck and held her close. “For Tommy’s sake, I pray you’re right.”

  ~~~

  Matt meandered into his son’s room and found the boys already in their pajamas. “Hey, good job, guys.” He scanned the overfilled bookcase. “What story would you like to hear?”

  Royce scrambled over to Tommy’s bed.

  “Can’t you tell us a story instead?” His son bounced on the mattress. “Like about bein’ a prisoner? That’s really cool.”

  “No, it wasn’t cool.” Knowing the nightmares it gave him, he’d hate to see what it would do to a child.

  Tommy brushed his hand over Matt’s forearm. “But that’s how you got those scars, right?” He turned to Royce. “His back is really yucky. Dad, what’d the bad guys burn your arms with?”

  Matt closed his eyes and bit his lip. It was natural for his child to have questions. Maybe if he satisfied his curiosity a little he’d forget about it. “Cigarettes. Now, let’s talk about something else, okay?”

  Tommy flashed a conspiratorial grin. “Did you kiss, Mommy?”

  “You’re being nosey-butts tonight. I think you two should go to sleep.”

  Royce giggled. “Ah, c’mon tell us.”

  Matt picked Royce up and tossed him on his bed and tucked him in. “Gentlemen never kiss and tell, guys.”

  Pressing his lips to each of their foreheads, he chuckled. If they remembered that, they’d get a lot more than just kisses.

  ~~~

  Abby slipped her nightgown over her head. The bedroom door sprung open, and she gasped. As Matt strolled into the room, unbuttoning his shirt, she pressed her hand over his fingers and stopped him. “I thought we agreed we wouldn’t make love again until we’re sure about our relationship.”

  His mouth tightened. “That’s right. But you’re my wife. I can at least hold you at night.”

  The time she’d spent in Matt’s arms that morning had been sheer torture. How could she protect her heart when his tender kisses left her so vulnerable?

  He shrugged off his shirt and tossed it into the hamper. “If we have a prayer of making our relationship work, Abby, we both have to stop holding back our feelings. We have to let our guards down. That’s not going to happen with me sleeping in another room.”

  Exactly. And since his intention was to break down her defenses, she didn’t have a single reasonable excuse not to spend the night with him. As he stripped off his briefs along with his jeans, she backed away. “You’re g-going to sleep with me nude?”

  “That was my plan.” He peered at her sideways. “I’d hoped you’d lose the nightgown, too. I love feeling you against me. How do you expect to make this marriage work if we don’t relate to each other as husband and wife?”

  She fingered the satiny fabric of her nightgown. “I just think we need to get know each other again before we—”

  “That’s the whole point. Right now we’re both terrified of being rejected by the stranger on the other side of the bed. Sleeping together will make us closer.”

  “I didn’t mean physically,” she said. “As soon as we’re sure how we feel, I’ll spend a whole day making love with you.”

  “Damn it, Abby. I’m not looking to have sex with you.” He stared intently into her eyes. “But I am going to make love to you.” He pressed his fingers to her lips to keep her from speaking. “I’m talking about intimacy. Without that kind of emotional investment, all we have is friendship, not a marriage.”

  Matt was right. Falling in love with him was all about intimacy. Without his tenderness, the physical act of sex would never place her heart in jeopardy. She couldn’t refuse him and still claim she wanted their marriage to work.

  Swallowing hard, she dragged her nightgown off and then slid under the covers. After turning out the lamp, he pulled her into his arms and sealed her mouth with his in a deep kiss.

  Moments later, he drew back and buried his face in her neck while his hands continued their sensual journey over her body. “I may not remember you, Babe, but your scent and the silky feel of your hair is so familiar. Your gorgeous green eyes never stopped haunting my dreams.”

  She hid her face in his shoulder. How could she survive it if Matt decided he wanted more children, and she wasn’t enough for him? “I’ve missed you so much.”

  “No. You missed the man you married,” he whispered. “How can I make you understand? Even though Matthew Foster’s body is alive, the man inside really did die.”

  “I’m sorry. I loved him. He’s still alive in my heart.”

  Matt crushed her to his chest. “If it’s going to work between us, you have to let him go. I can’t compete with who I was. Be honest. Do you see the old Matt in me?”

  “No.” The man she married was playful and open. “Every once in a while I catch a glimpse of him.” She stroked the chiseled line of his jaw. “When we make love, I can feel him in you. You’re at peace then, and you give me the most wonderful smiles. But the rest of the time you keep them locked up.”

  “I’m sorry. It’s hard to smile with so many dark memories. When we make love, you turn the sun on for me.”

  “Is the sun on now?”

  Matt held her fingers over his lips so she could feel his smile. “Yes, Sweetheart, it’s shining very bright.” He pulled her tight against his thick warm erection. “I need to go to sleep now, or I’ll end up doing what I promised I wouldn’t. He kissed her on the top of the head. “Goodnight.”

  Tell him, Coward. It was the perfect time.

  For some reason, she couldn’t summon the words. He already had doubts about their marriage. If he knew there’d be no more children, he wouldn’t be so eager to fall in love with her again. He’d walk out for sure.

  Moments later, Matt’s breathing became slow and deep, telling her he’d fallen asleep.

  Making love with him wouldn’t have left her any more vulnerable than being cuddled in his arms all night. And at least, she would’ve gotten one more trip to the stars before he left.

  ~~~

  The door banged open, and Matt woke with a start. Tommy ran into their bedroom, sobbing, hugging his bear. Their son’s tears halted at finding Matt in his mother’s room.

  Shielding his eyes from the glare of the hallway light spotlighting the bed, Matt quickly untangled himself from Abby and made sure she was covered before he sat up and pulled on his briefs. “What’s the matter, Bu
ddy?”

  “I had a bad dream,” he whimpered.

  He stroked his son’s head and whispered, “Do you want to tell me about it?” He put his finger to his lips. “Talk softly, so we don’t wake Mommy.”

  Tommy buried his face in Matt’s chest. “The bad men was burning me with cigarettes.”

  Matt closed his eyes. He never should’ve told him what had been done to him. “Shhh—that’s never going to happen to you.”

  “Daddy.” Tommy sniffled. “Can I sleep with you and Mommy?”

  A warm feeling stole over Matt. His son had referred to him as his daddy while talking to Abby, but he’d never actually called him that before. “Sure.” He chuckled. “Why don’t you wait in the hall for a moment while your mom puts something on?”

  His son whispered loudly, “How come you and Mommy don’t have any ‘jamas on?”

  “Wait in the hall, and we’ll talk about that in a minute.”

  Tommy left the room while Matt woke Abby and helped her into her nightgown. “Go back to sleep.” He pressed his lips to her brow, then pushed the door open. “Okay, Bud, come on in.”

  After positioning their son between Abby and himself, Matt pulled the covers over the three of them and closed his eyes.

  “Well? How come?” Tommy whispered in his ear.

  So much for hoping his son would forget his question. “A lot of grown-ups don’t wear pajamas, Tom. You know Mommy and I are married, right?”

  “Yeah.”

  “Well, husbands and wives make love so they can have babies. They need to be as close as possible to each other then, and clothes get in the way.”

  “Are you and Mommy gonna make a baby?”

  He hugged Tommy and sighed. “I hope someday we will. Maybe even two or three of them. Would you like that?”

  “Yeah, that’d be coooool.” Tommy was silent for a few seconds. “Dad, were you and Mommy doin’ that?”

  “No, and that’s not something you should ask about. It’s private. From now on, I want you to knock and wait until we say it’s all right for you to come in our room. All right?”

  “Okay.” Tommy was quiet for another few moments. “Daddy, when I grow up, will I be as big as you?”

  After his son got an eyeful of him sleeping nude, Matt wasn’t sure if Tommy meant his stature or just his pecker. Either way the answer was the same. “Probably. You look just like I did when I was your age.”

  ~~~

  Abby lay in the dark, squeezing back her tears. Matt had done a great job of answering their son’s embarrassing questions. He had such a natural gift with children. It wasn’t fair to wait until he became emotionally involved before she destroyed his dreams.

  Somehow, she had to find the courage to tell him. Tomorrow.

  Chapter 19

  Matt woke to the smell of coffee and bacon with Tommy sprawled next to him, squeezing Mr. T. Bear. He shook his son gently. “Come on, Buddy, it’s time to wake up for school.”

  After pulling on just his jeans, Matt padded into the kitchen. He poured a cup of coffee and slipped his arms around Abby, covering her mouth in a probing kiss. “Ummm—coffee, bacon, and Abby—the perfect breakfast.”

  When he drew back, she glanced toward the hallway. “Did you wake Tommy up?”

  “Yup.” He sank into the chair at the table and leaned back, his bare feet stretched out in front of him.

  “I talked to Lucy earlier.” Abby transferred the bacon from the pan to a plate. “She said when she walks Royce to the bus stop she’d stop by and pick Tommy up.”

  “The way you two look out for each other, a stranger would swear you were sisters.” He sipped his coffee, mentally reliving the wonderful night sleeping with his child cuddled between him and his wife. Suddenly, he felt very married.

  How could he give this all up if Abby decided she couldn’t love the man he’d become?

  Glancing over at her, he smiled. “I’m going to call my parents and sister later today. I want to invite them for a visit. Do you mind if they stay with us?”

  “Not at all. I’d enjoy having them.” Abby stepped to the hallway and called, “Tommy, your breakfast is ready.”

  Their son raced to the table and gulped down his juice as soon as his butt hit the chair.

  Matt chuckled. “Whoa, slow down.”

  He served Tommy some eggs and bacon from the platter Abby put on the table. The child shoveled the food into himself almost as fast as Matt put it on his son’s plate. “I can’t,” Tommy mumbled past a mouthful. “I gotta eat a lot.”

  “Why?”

  “So I’ll grow bigger faster.”

  “No, Bud.” Matt chuckled. “The only thing eating more will do is make you fat. Don’t be in such a hurry to grow up. Your mom wants you to be a little boy a while longer. At least, until we have a baby for her to take care of.” He winked at Abby. She spun her back to him and stood motionless at the sink.

  A set of knuckles rapped at the back door. Lucy bustled in with Royce who stared silently at Tommy seated next to Matt at the table.

  “Morning, Sport, why do you look so unhappy?”

  The little boy’s lower lip quivered.

  “Royce wants you to be his real dad, too,” Tommy explained. “But I told him you’d love him just like me, anyways.”

  Matt pulled Royce onto his lap. “Yesterday, when I asked if Abby could read your journal, you said she was the same as your mom. But she’s not really your mother, is she?

  The child shrugged, and then shook his head.

  “So why don’t you think I care as much about you?” Matt smiled and hugged him tightly. “Having the same last name and living together has nothing to do with how we feel about each other.”

  Royce grinned, sliding off Matt’s lap to nibble on the strip of bacon Tommy handed him. Lucy wiped her eyes and smiled at Matt, soundlessly mouthing the words, Thank you.

  While Abby put their son’s lunchbox in his backpack, Tommy sidled up to Matt and whispered in his ear, “Daddy, can people make babies during the daytime?”

  He bit back a laugh. “Yes, Bud.”

  Pulling Matt’s ear to his mouth again, Tommy murmured, “Could you and Mom make one while I’m at school so she won’t want me to be a little boy anymore?”

  “It doesn’t work quite that way. We can try, but it only happens when God decides it’s the right time. I’ll see what I can do about it, though, okay?” Matt crushed Tommy to his chest. “I need a hug before you go.” He held his other arm out to Royce. “You, too, Sport.”

  Once he squeezed the boys and they left, he rolled his eyes at Abby and chuckled. “Our son is a piece of work.”

  She stepped behind him and gently kneaded his bare shoulders. “I know. He never fails to make me laugh.” She ran her fingers lightly over his scars. “I want to cry every time I look at what those animals did to you. And now that I know who you are, it hurts so much more.”

  “Why? Because it was the man you loved who was tortured?”

  “I guess so.”

  He leaned on the table and buried his face in his hands. “Abby, please, you’ve got to let it go. I’m not suddenly going to transform back into the young guy you fell in love with.”

  “I know that.” She wrapped her arms around his neck. “I don’t expect you to. I know what happened to you has left you with a lot more than just the scars I can see.”

  He pulled her into his lap. “Do you feel anything for me? Not who I was. Who I am now? Or have I changed too much?”

  “Yes, I have feelings for you. But I can’t let myself care too much while we’re in limbo.” She burrowed into his neck. “I don’t want my heart broken.”

  “Me neither. That’s why I need to know if you can love me the way I am now. If I was sure you could....” His throat clogged with myriad emotions. He stared into her eyes.

  Why didn’t he just face it? He didn’t have to be sure how Abby felt to know he’d fallen deeply, hopelessly in love with her. A cold sweat broke out on his
brow, and the pit of his stomach felt as if he’d fallen out of a ten-story window.

  What if she never loved him back?

  All at once, seven years rolled away. He was in the back row of a dark theater, caressing Abby and gazing into her eyes by the light of the movie screen. She was so sweet. So trusting. So incredibly turned on.

  What the hell was he waiting for? She wanted him to kiss her. To touch her.

  He gazed at her face, overwhelmed by the tender feelings she stirred in him. She’d shared more of herself, talking to him for a few hours last night, than all the women who’d ever given their bodies to him. Abby’s trusting nature and honest zest for life completely disarmed him.

  The black hole in his memory instantly overflowed with a rush of images of her smiling at him and laughing. The awe he felt the first time they made love flooded back.

  Suddenly, there was no reason for his mind to keep how deeply he’d loved her locked away in his subconscious. He had as much at stake in loving Abby in the present as he’d had in the past.

  She turned his face toward her, caressing his cheek. “Matt? Where are you? You went away on me again.”

  He stared into her shimmering eyes and knew she was right. He had fallen in love with her that night at the movies. Whatever he’d felt then didn’t matter. The thought of not being her husband, now, was more pain than he could bear. His hands shook as he pulled her closer and crushed his mouth to hers, murmuring into her lips, “I’m not going anywhere, Sweetheart. Not as long as you’ll keep me.”

  ~~~

  Abby squeezed her eyes shut. She had to tell Matt about herself before she could let him make any promises to her. “Matt, you may change your—”

  “I want to give you the present I made you,” he cut her off and stood, setting her down in the chair. “But you have to remember it’s a first effort. It’s not what I originally started making.” He held up his hands. “Stay here. I’ll go get it.”

  She waited for his return, gnawing on her lip and trying to find the strength to say the words that would destroy his dreams. Finally, the basement door swung open, and Matt appeared at the top of the steps. Her throat swelled shut at the sight of the beautiful baby cradle he’d put so much effort and love into.