The Memory of You

by Laurie Kellogg

  “Tommy asked if we could do something about filling this today.” Matt smiled. “I’m in love with you, Abby. I don’t ever want to leave you.”

  She had to stop him. She’d never survive it when he inevitably had second thoughts. “Please don’t say anymore.” She covered her face and sobbed. “When you step back and see the big picture, you’ll realize you don’t really want me.”

  He grabbed her shoulders and squeezed them. “What do you mean I won’t want you? When I think about living without you, I can hardly breathe.”

  “Do you want me enough to give up the dream of ever seeing your baby sleeping in this beautiful cradle?” She ran her hand over its satin cherry finish. “I’ve seen you with Tommy and Royce. You’re a natural father.”

  He frowned and enveloped her in his embrace. “Don’t you want to have another baby?”

  “So much it tears me apart. But I can’t have any more children. Ever.”

  His mouth dropped open. “What?” He drew back and stared at her. “Why not?”

  “When I had Tommy, there were a lot of complications. I hemorrhaged, and they had to remove my uterus to save my life.” She sniffled, and her voice caught in a tiny hiccup. “I can’t ever give you the houseful of babies you want.”

  His face twisted, and his eyes squeezed shut, concealing his anguish. Tears leaked from his lashes, and his chest shook from holding back the sobs he was trying valiantly to suppress.

  She stroked his stubbled face. “I understand. We shouldn’t force a relationship that died. After what you’ve been through, you deserve to spend the rest of your life happy with a whole woman who can give you children.”

  He wiped his eyes with the back of his hand and whispered, “Abby, do you love me?”

  Did he have to make her admit it before he left?

  She loved him so much she had to let him go. No matter how much it hurt, she couldn’t try to hold him.

  “Please tell me. I have to know. Do you love me—the man who came home to you—not the boy who died all those years ago?”

  Turning her face away, she wiped her cheeks. “No. I love the man I married.” She sucked in a deep breath to compose herself and turned back to him. “I can’t love a man who goes off into his own little world all the time. I think we should both do as we originally planned. Robert doesn’t want children, and he loves me even though I—”

  “No, Abby.”

  “Yes. You could make a life with someone you can have kids with. Lucy thinks you’re wonderful. I know you like her. You could live with Royce and still see Tommy.”

  ~~~

  Matt peered into Abby’s face and saw right through her lies. She loved him, damn it. It was shining in her eyes. The same trusting green eyes that gazed up at him from the sofa seven years before.

  How could he ever heal the wound he’d inflicted on her by talking about all the children he wanted and making her a cradle of all things?

  He wanted to smash the fucking thing.

  It broke his heart that they’d never be able to have more kids. He’d missed seeing Abby’s body swell with his child and feeling their baby move inside her. He would’ve given anything to have seen Tommy learn to crawl and heard him say his first words.

  He’d been denied all the wonder of seeing the new life they’d made come into the world. He ached to watch her nurse their baby. Now, he never would.

  It wouldn’t do any good to deny he wanted more kids. He’d be lying.

  And she would know it.

  Besides, he only wanted to see Abby grow heavy with his child and to see his baby nursing at her breast. Not Lucy’s or some other woman’s. He refused to let her push him away to spare him from sharing in her heartbreak.

  He swallowed past the lump in his throat. “That’s a fabulous plan, Babe. Marry me off to some woman I don’t love so I can spend the rest of my life lusting after her best friend.”

  “If not Lucy, then someone else.”

  “You expect me to only see my son on weekends? No, way. If I go, I’m taking Tommy with me,” he bluffed. “I’ve already lost too damn many years with him.”

  Her face contorted, making her eyes disappear. “I’d never fight you for custody, Matt. You’re a wonderful father. And now that Tommy’s getting older, I know you can give him what he needs a lot better than I can.”

  So much for threats. She loved him and Tommy so much she would actually let him take their son.

  Tears rolled down her cheeks. “But unlike you, I can’t have another child.” She let out a heartbreaking sob. “Please don’t take Tommy away from me. My life would be so empty if I only had a few days a week to spend with him.”

  He’d be damned if he would give Abby up without a fight. He’d show her how much of a woman she really was. And then he’d let her try and tell him again that she didn’t love him.

  “Okay.” Matt pursed his lips. “I’ll leave if that’s what you really want. And I won’t take Tommy with me. But before you play taps for the death of our marriage, you owe me something.” He scooped her up and hauled her down the hall.

  “Wait!” She struggled in his arms. “What are you doing?”

  “Collecting on your promise.”

  “What promise?” Panic filled her voice.

  Kicking the bedroom door open, he laid her on the bed and smiled. “Last night you said when we were sure how we felt you’d spend a whole day making love with me. Well, now we know.”

  She sat up and scrambled to the head of the bed away from him. “But I meant if we were going to stay married.”

  He followed her across the mattress and pushed her robe off her shoulders. “That’s not what you said.”

  “Please,” she whispered, “don’t ask me to do this.”

  “Why? I think we’ve proven we’re totally compatible in the bedroom. Is it too much for me to ask the woman I love to give me one day in her arms before I have to spend the rest of my life without her?”

  She clamped her hand over her mouth, stifling a sob. “No.”

  “Okay.” He grabbed the hem of her nightgown and yanked it over her head. Tossing it on the end of the bed, he stood and shed his pants and briefs in one fluid motion while she stared up at him, gnawing on her lip.

  He hated tormenting her like this, but it was the only way she would ever believe his feelings for her had nothing to do with her ability to give him a child and everything to do with who she was and what they shared.

  Dragging his gaze over her lush curves, he winced at the intense pressure building in his groin. He crawled onto the mattress and pushed her down on her back. She shook alongside him as tense as a tightly wound spring. Gathering the full length of her naked body against his, he gently nibbled her ear. “Shhh....relax. I’m going to take you to the nearest star, again.”

  Brushing his mouth over hers, the sweetness he sipped from her lips intoxicated him. He’d never let her go. Somehow he had to convince Abby that, even if his home was overrun with children, without her, his life would be empty.

  ~~~

  Abby drew in a shuddering breath, awed by Matt’s tender, sensual kisses. The way his tongue leisurely traced her lips and slid into the recess of her mouth left her senses whirling and brought tears to her eyes. She whimpered at the hungry way he sucked the tip of her breast and then blazed a trail over her, licking, nipping.

  “Oh, Matt, that feels so good.” Her whole body went limp.

  His coarse morning stubble rasped against her breast. “For me, too, Sweetheart.”

  Inhaling his musky male scent, she slid her palms over his shoulders and kissed her way down his chest. If this was to be their last time together, she wanted to make it something he’d remember. When her mouth reached the thatch between his legs, she cradled the weight of him in her palm and slid her lips over his thick length.

  “Baby, don’t.” He gasped. “I can’t wait if you do that.”

  She licked the plump head of his shaft and elicited a husky moan. “You don’t ha
ve to wait,” she murmured, stroking his erection. “This is supposed to be for you.”

  Squeezing his eyes shut, he gritted his teeth for several moments and groaned. “No, it’s for us.”

  When he flipped her on her back and reversed their positions, her breath caught. He tenderly showered her stomach with kisses, working his way down her body until he eventually burrowed between her legs, drenching her with need.

  Moaning her pleasure, she writhed beneath his attentive tongue. “You make me feel so....Oh-oh, yes!”

  Intense heat coursed through her. He continued stoking the raging fire he’d started and pushed her deeper into the inferno until her body exploded from the intense heat. As she lay gasping, he kissed a hot trail up to her breast. Grabbing both of her wrists in one hand, he pinned them to the mattress.

  While he held her arms captive over her head, she whimpered, her body twisting. “Please, I need you inside me.”

  “Not yet,” he whispered roughly. “First I want to watch you shatter for me once more.” His fingers teased her while his mouth sealed hers, tasting of her juices.

  Arching off the bed, she stretched for a second incredible climax. White-hot pleasure speared through her. She trembled, breathing his name on a long sigh of ecstasy, “O-oh, Matt, I love you.”

  He chuckled and pulled her into the crook of his shoulder. “You do, huh? That’s funny. I distinctly recall you saying you couldn’t love a serious fellow like me.” He raised his eyebrows. “Or weren’t you telling me the truth?”

  She looked away, refusing to meet his gaze. “I meant I love the man you were.”

  Turning her chin to face him, he stared at her. “Liar. I see the love in your eyes and feel it in your touch, too. You love me so much you’re willing to sacrifice your own happiness.”

  “But I don’t want you to be stuck with only half a woman.”

  Parting her legs with his knee, he shifted between her thighs. “I love you no matter what, Abby. And now I’m going to show just how much of a woman you really are.”

  Her lips felt almost bruised under his ravaging mouth.

  He plunged himself deep into her slick heat. “Oh, damn!” He strangled on a groan of pleasure. “You feel so good....so totally feminine.”

  She locked her legs around him while he slowly slid in and out of her. Their tongues mingling, they panted their excitement into each other’s mouths. He kissed her feverishly. “I love you,” he whispered against her lips. “You’re all I’ll ever need.”

  The muscles in his back bunched under her palms while he gently rocked within her. Wave after delicious wave of pleasure crashed over her. Each thrust of his hips felt better than the last. In and out. Harder, deeper, faster, elevating her higher and higher.

  “So good.” She gasped. “Please don’t—ever— stop loving me.”

  “Never, Sweetheart.” He nuzzled her neck and groaned softly into it, “I need you now. Hold on.”

  She stared into his eyes while he cupped her bottom and pumped his body urgently into hers. Only moments passed before she trembled with pleasure and called out, “Oh, Mac, I love you so much!”

  ~~~

  Matt smothered Abby’s ecstatic cry with his kiss, plundering her mouth. His heart sang, hearing the passion and love she had for him. Thrusting urgently into her several more times, he shuddered. His heat surged into her, and he came like he’d never come before.

  He let out a hoarse groan and whispered, “I love you.” Rolling to his back, he pulled her with him, wrapping his arms tightly around her. “You’re mine, Abby. I’m holding you to the promises we made to each other.”

  She buried her face in his chest. “But you want more children.”

  “I won’t lie and tell you it doesn’t break my heart we can’t have more kids. But it’s the two of us who can’t have them—not just you. It’s that sorrow, the laughter, and passion we share that make you my woman—not your ability to carry my baby. As long as I have your love, Tommy and Royce are enough for me.”

  “But Royce isn’t really ours. Lucy could get married again and move away.” Abby swiped at the tears in her eyes. “At times I feel so guilty.”

  “No matter what, Royce will always be ours, because we love him as if he is. A child can’t have too much love.” He kissed her softly. “What I regret is never having the chance to feel our child move inside you or watch you nurse him. But it doesn’t matter. Without you, nothing matters.”

  “Oh, Matt.” Tears spilled down her cheeks as she pressed her face against his. “If the boys are enough for you, then they’re enough for me, too. Truthfully, I’m not sure I could handle another exceptional child.”

  “It’s not the end of babies for us, Abby. We can try to adopt—maybe a little girl. And if that doesn’t work out, we just have to wait a few years for some grandchildren.” Matt tipped her chin up and kissed her on the nose. “Every night after Tommy and Royce are asleep, I’ll whisper to them that their greatest desire in life is to have lots and lots of kids.”

  Abby grinned at him and sniffled. “So you think you can get us a bunch of grandchildren through subliminal brainwashing? I think that will require a couple of daughters-in-law first.”

  “You might be right.” He chuckled. “But I’ve learned the subconscious is a powerful force. For over six years mine locked my memory up to protect me. If I’d remembered what was taken from me, I would have lost the will to live.”

  “Matt, please.” She stroked his head. “I promise never to talk about it again if you’ll just tell me where you go when you’re in one of your trances. I want to share your pain.”

  Abby had a right to meet his demons.

  It was almost noon before he finished telling her everything that happened from the moment his chopper took off until he was shipped home. “I knew, if I could just forget what I’d left behind, they couldn’t torture me with memories of you.”

  “It’s so much worse than I imagined.”

  Kissing the salty tears from her cheeks, he held her tightly. “Now that you understand the torment I live with, you can see why I have to keep focused on here and now. When Tommy and Royce have questions, I need you to answer them. Can you do that for me?”

  She squeezed her eyes shut and nodded. “Yes. Thank you for letting me into your nightmare. Now that you have company there, maybe you’ll be able to smile more.”

  “I hope so. Only it’s not the horror that stole my smiles, Sweetheart. It’s the bitterness. And the sick part is—the more wonderful my life is, the more my resentment grows. Every time I see you smile or hear Tommy laugh”—he pressed his fingers to his eyes and swallowed hard—“every time I make love to you, I’m reminded of all I’ve missed and the happiness that was stolen from us.”

  “I’m bitter, too.” She snuggled into the crook of his shoulder. “But if we let resentment steal the joy from the rest of our lives together, we’ll be letting them win.”

  “I know you’re right. But it’s still tough.”

  She turned his face toward her. “I’ve always found the best way to forget my problems is to help other people deal with theirs. Since you’re starting a whole new life, why don’t you do what you’ve always wanted and become a doctor? Redemption doesn’t have any physicians’ offices here in town.”

  “That’s like saying why don’t I go back and become a concert pianist. How would I support our family if I went to med school?”

  “We’ll find a way. I’m making pretty good money with my dressmaking. Since the boys are in school all day, I could sew in the evenings and get a job during the day.”

  “But I don’t want you to have to work. I want to take care of you and the boys.”

  “You’ve been taking care of us since you came home, and you haven’t used a single paycheck to do it.”

  He squeezed her tighter. “I love you, Sweetheart. And I’m in awe of how upbeat you are after all that’s happened to us.”

  “I have to look at it this way, Matt—if none of
it ever happened, I would’ve only gotten to love one man in my life. This way I got two.”

  “Who knows,”—he smiled—“with my ability to repress things, maybe someday you’ll get a little of that young guy back again.”

  “It doesn’t matter.” The devotion shining in her eyes made his heart feel three sizes too big for his chest. “I love you just as much as I ever loved him. Maybe even more.”

  Epilogue

  June 1984

  Abby smiled, watching the crowd of family and friends lounge around the redwood deck and freeform swimming pool behind the beautiful center-hall colonial Ben’s construction company had built for them—at cost—shortly after Matt finished his family medicine residency.

  “Happy Birthday and Happy Anniversary, Sweetheart.” Matt gently pressed his lips to hers.

  Each June for the last eleven years, Matt had thrown a huge barbecue to commemorate her birthday and the anniversary of both the first and second time they’d exchanged wedding vows. This year, however, they’d had to include celebrating the boys’ high school graduation, making it their largest party ever.

  Her eyes misted at the prospect of Tom and Royce leaving for college at the end of the summer.

  Matt tipped her chin up to study her face. “What’s the matter? You look about to cry.”

  “I was just thinking about how quiet it’ll be after the boys leave.”

  “I know, I’ve been thinking about that, too.” He tenderly brushed a stray hair back from her face. “Do you regret never adopting?

  “A little. But I wanted to take care of Lucy after she became sick, and Royce needed a lot more attention than I could’ve given him if I’d been caring for a baby. Not to mention, I never would’ve been able to start my business.” To boost their income after Matt resigned from his short eighteen-month career at TDI to attend med school, she’d rented a storefront in the center of Redemption and opened a custom dress shop that catered to Bucks County’s increasingly affluent residents. Her designs had received such high praise, word-of-mouth had brought her the business of a few well-known celebrities from Manhattan, which put her creations in even higher demand.