Falling Into the Black

by Caitlin Ricci

  I wanted to pretend that I didn’t care and that I wasn’t affected by the sight of his naked body, but that was a lie. “It’ll be nice to settle down in one place for a few weeks,” I said, completely dropping the discussion about him wearing clothes or not.

  “How long do you think it’ll take before we can go back to Wish?”

  Shrugging, I lay down on the bank beside him and stared up at the light blue sky. We still had about four hours before the two suns would start setting. We had probably close to nine hours before it would actually get dark. “I’ll check with Em soon and see how the activity level is there then. If you wanted to take clients here, though, I wouldn’t stop you. But if you decide that you want to do it, then do it for the sex, not for the money. I have enough saved up to get us through as long as you don’t go on some wild interstellar spending spree.”

  He snorted. “Having stuff around makes it a little hard to run if I need to. I miss my friends there. If all I wanted was sex, then I’ve got you around for that.”

  He always knew just what to say to make me feel important and special to him. “Maybe I’ll be unavailable. Maybe I’ll fall in love here, and then you’ll just have your hand to keep you company. You never know.”

  Arin turned over onto his side, and I tried to ignore the fact that he still didn’t have any clothes on. “Do you want to find someone? Another peacekeeper maybe? Someone that you could go hunt down bad guys with?”

  Maybe I had, once. But I shook my head now. “I’m not much of a peacekeeper anymore. If I was, you would be on a prison planet, trapped there forever for murder, not relaxing on a nice planet like this. So since I’m not a peacekeeper anymore, I’d probably just like someone I can relax with. I’ve spent most of my adult life going after criminals. Getting to take things slow for a while sounds rather nice.”

  Arin smirked at me. “Well, as for me, I’m never getting married again.”

  I really didn’t count what had been done to him against his will as getting married the first time, but I didn’t correct him either. Arin came closer to me, cuddling up against my side. I lifted my arm up in case he wanted it as a pillow.

  “I’m surprised you want me sometimes after everything you know.”

  I forced myself to continue to stare up at the sky, even as I felt him fully pressing against me. “What part?”

  “Both. What I endured with Bowman and also that I’m an aspasian. A lot of people wouldn’t have been able to handle it.”

  I didn’t love him, so there wasn’t actually anything for me to handle, as he put it. “What happened to you, and your chosen profession, don’t make me want you less.”

  Arin closed his eyes, and I reached up to touch his hair. Maybe it would turn lighter after a few months spent in the sun. His hair always seemed to fluctuate between light and dark blond.

  “You only want me for a few hours, though, right? We’re not talking about anything permanent here. Are we?”

  I shook my head. “We definitely aren’t. I like you, and I care about you. I want you to be safe. But I don’t want you for myself like that.”

  “You’re a strange man, Resan.”

  “Because I don’t want to control you and tell you who you can and cannot be in bed with?”

  Arin quietly laughed. “Corbin gave it mostly up, and he did that because he loves Em. I always assumed I’d have to if I ever found someone who I wanted to be with like Corbin wanted to be with Em.”

  “I have different ideas of what a good relationship needs than Corbin and Em do. Maybe my way is wrong, but it causes a lot less arguments. Of course, I rarely stay around long enough for a relationship to actually develop, so the entire thing is a moot point.” For years I’d been using aspasians for my needs, and I hadn’t minded it at all. Their affection was uncomplicated and easy, and the sex had always been fantastic.

  Arin slid his hand down my stomach, but before he could get to my pants, I wrapped my fingers around his wrist, stopping him. “Whatever you’re thinking about doing, you don’t have to.”

  He didn’t pull back. “Do you think I’m weak?”

  I shook my head. He would never be that to me. “I think you’re one of the strongest people I know. You’ve been through so much.”

  “Then do you think I don’t know what I want and how to make up my own mind?”

  There was a bite of anger in his voice now. I hadn’t meant to bring that out in him at all. “No. Of course not. You aren’t a child, and you’re capable of making your own decisions.”

  “And do you think I won’t kick your ass the next time you try to tell me I have no idea what I’m doing?” He turned his head, and I found him glaring at me. It was hard for me not to want to kiss him when he looked that angry. He sat up next to me. “I’m not some broken child. Yes, I went through things. Terrible things that no one should ever have to endure. But you don’t get to use my past against me. And if you ever think I’m going to try to have sex with you again, you’re dead wrong.”

  I let his wrist go and he stormed off. And the worst part of our argument was that I didn’t even know what I had done wrong. I turned over in the sand and made sure he didn’t go far. He only got about three yards away from me before he sat down in the shade of a tree. He looked at the ground between his feet for a while, and then he turned to continue glaring at me.

  “Will you tell me what I did wrong?” I called to him.

  “You assumed I had no idea how to tell what I went through from what I’m feeling now,” he shot back at me.

  I really had no idea what he was getting at. “What?”

  I heard Arin’s loud sigh even from as far away as he was. “You told me I didn’t have to have sex with you, or whatever else I might have been planning. You think I don’t know what I do and do not have to do? I killed my rapist, Resan. I stabbed him in the chest. No one can ever tell me what I have to do around sex ever again.”

  Ah. Clearly I’d made a drastic mistake. I got up and walked over to him. When I was within a few feet of him, I sat down next to him in the shade. As angry as he was at me, he still took my hand when I offered it to him.

  “I’m sorry. I just didn’t want you to feel like maybe you owed me for anything.”

  He laughed bitterly and continued to stare at the ground between his feet. “You hand delivered me back to my abuser. Exactly what is it that you think I might want to owe you for?”

  I leaned back and accidentally banged my head on the tree we were sitting by.

  “That’s going to leave a bump.”

  I rolled my eyes. “Why did I never notice your attitude back in Asiq?”

  “Probably because I never let you within five feet of me if I could help it.”

  That was true. He’d been really good about avoiding me as much as possible. “I should have left well enough alone and figured it was fine that one little aspasian seemed to be terrified of me for some unknown reason.”

  He snorted and turned his head to look at me. “But if you hadn’t confronted me, and then found out what I was hiding, then we wouldn’t get to have this fun little vacation together.”

  I didn’t really think running from a bunch of peacekeepers and then laying low for a while counted as a vacation. “If you wanted to have sex with me, I wouldn’t say anything this time.”

  He laughed so hard he had to drop my hand to be able to wipe at his eyes. “Seriously? You’re giving me permission to suck your dick now? Fuck you, Resan.” He was still laughing as he got up and walked away from me. I followed him into the house, mostly to make sure that he stayed out of trouble, and caught a glimpse of him as he headed into the shower.

  When he came out, I was making us some food from the powdered rations I kept on my ship. It wouldn’t be very good, but it was something at least. We could have gone to the shops, but I wanted us to remain isolated as much as possible, for now at least, in case there would be trouble. Not that I was expecting any, but there would always be that chance as long as we
were near other people. I had expected him to put on some clothes, but when he came up beside me and leaned on the counter next to me, he was still completely naked.

  “I shouldn’t have been such a jerk to you,” he quietly said.

  Now it was my turn to laugh. “It’s fine. I’m convinced you’re an emotional nutjob right now, so we’re okay. Eat some food.”

  He wrinkled his nose at the bowl I pushed in his direction. “What is it?”

  “Powdered meal replacement with a twenty-year shelf life. It’s not supposed to taste good. It’s just supposed to keep you alive.”

  With a sigh he took the bowl and began slurping it with a spoon. I could tell from his expression just how much he hated every single bite.

  “It’s awful,” he complained when he was halfway through.

  I’d barely touched my own. “I know. But it’s what we have, and it’s food.”

  “Ask Em if it’s safe to go back there.”

  I shook my head. Em had better things to do than to tell us to lie low every single day. “I’ll ask him next month.”

  “Next week.”

  Maybe it was the food and how much I could see that he hated it, but I decided to compromise. “Fine. Next week I’ll send him a comcall and see if it’s safe yet.”

  “Good. Because I miss chocolate.”

  So did I. And everything else Asiq had to offer.

  “Do you miss sex?”

  “Yes.”

  He snorted. I could easily guess what he was thinking. He was naked. I knew I could have him, if I didn’t annoy him too much, but I also knew that having sex with Arin would not be the uncomplicated pleasure-filled experience I missed getting at Asiq.

  “I mean this in the nicest way possible, but given what I know of you and your past, I don’t want to be a part of it.”

  He stopped eating, and I saw his shoulders begin to shake long before there were ever tears on his cheeks. “You mean that I’m too tainted by what was done to me to be of any value to you.”

  That hadn’t been what I’d said at all, but I could see how he would take it that way. “Arin….” I shook my head. I didn’t know how to explain myself any better than I had already tried to and failed. So instead of talking, I simply took him into my arms, and I held him tightly. It took a while, but eventually he did bring his hands to the small of my back, and he hugged me too.

  “I can’t change my past.”

  I kissed the side of his head. “I know that.”

  “I was hoping you could be someone who I could be around that would know everything and not judge me for it.”

  I wanted to tell him I could still be that person for him, but clearly I had failed at that. I wanted to prove to him that I was fine with him, that we could go back to being whatever we had been before our argument, but even as I moved my hand to his hip, I knew we couldn’t be.

  “I’m sorry. I’m trying not to hurt you.”

  He pulled away from me. “And I’m trying to show you that I’m strong enough that you won’t.” He walked away, leaving his food half eaten as he went into the second bedroom and closed the door behind himself.

  CHAPTER TWENTY-ONE

  Arin

  I WAS angry at Resan, but I wanted him too. I had spent too long with only him for company, and now my moods were getting in the way of his attempts at protecting me. We weren’t together, not in a romantic sense, but sometimes I wondered if we could be. Or if I even would have wanted that from him. First, though, I needed a break, and being alone in the second bedroom provided that for me.

  I lay down on the bed and let my mind wander as I stared up at the ceiling. I thought about what it might be like to care about Resan. I wasn’t a jealous person, so I wouldn’t have minded him being with other aspasians if we went back to Wish. At least, I didn’t think I would. I’d never actually had a relationship, so I had no frame of reference for what I was considering. I didn’t even know if I was interested in a relationship with someone or if I would find it too restrictive.

  There was a good chance I would hate it. I knew that. But part of me was wondering about it too. Corbin certainly seemed happier to be with Em, but their relationship was not the kind of relationship I was vaguely considering with Resan because Corbin only had sex with Em and I didn’t actually care who Resan was with. He’d been having sex with my friends at Asiq since almost the first day Em and Resan had started watching over the brothel. Who he was with didn’t bother me, as long as he would be there when I needed something from him.

  Right then what I needed was mostly to connect with someone again. I wanted to feel loved and cared about and not a burden like I had been as Resan and I tried out different planets to settle on before deciding on this one. I could be a difficult person to be around sometimes. I knew that. But I still needed to be wanted just like I had before Resan found out my secret. I wanted to go back to Wish as soon as possible so that I could return to the life of being an aspasian again. I thought then that I could be happy doing that and Resan could go on with his life and find some happiness too.

  CHAPTER TWENTY-TWO

  Resan

  IT DIDN’T take Arin long to come into my bed that night. He was still naked as he lay down beside me, and I held still as he got comfortable against me. I’d chosen to go without clothes too, though. It was hot outside, and I figured that with him mad at me, Arin would be far less likely to crawl into my bed.

  When he wrapped his arm around my waist, I decided to let him know what was going on. “I’m naked too,” I quietly said.

  He nodded against my chest and slipped his hand under the sheet that lay over my waist. I didn’t say anything to stop him this time. I just held still and let him take my cock into his hand. I reached for him as well, and he got up and braced himself on his free hand and his knees as we stroked each other. He had his forehead against my chest and I felt him each time he trembled, and I heard each of his soft gasps.

  He came first, spilling his come over my hand. I wasn’t too far behind him, but he let go of me. Seconds later I figured out why as he pulled the sheet completely off of me and slid himself over my lap.

  “You can touch me if you want to, just don’t try to flip me onto my back or get on top of me in any other way.”

  “I didn’t think I’d ever have you like this after today,” I said as I rested my hands loosely on his hips. His skin was hot to my touch as I trailed my fingers over the tight muscles of his thighs.

  “I didn’t think you would either.” He braced his hands on the center of my chest, then sank onto me. I didn’t try to control his movements or direct him in any way. Getting to touch him was more than enough for me. He wasn’t broken, and he wasn’t tainted, but he had endured horrors, and I was having a hard time not remembering that as he rode me in the darkness of my room.

  “I’m close,” I told him after a few minutes. Even with my thoughts, he knew what he was doing, and I wasn’t ever going to last long with him.

  He only continued, and seconds later I released into him. He kissed my throat as he slid off of me, leaving me there panting on the bed.

  “You can stay,” I barely managed to say.

  Arin silently joined me again, this time with his back to me. I put my arm loosely over his waist and kissed the back of his shoulder. “Are you okay?”

  “More or less. I’ll be fine. Thank you.”

  I pulled him close until I felt him go stiff, and then I released him a little at a time until he was relaxed again. I wasn’t holding him as much as I would have liked to be, but it was better than nothing, and I still got to have my arms around him, which was something. I wondered if he would ever be at a place where he could lie next to someone without being stiff in their arms.

  “I’m surprised your clients never realized being held bothered you,” I said as I got comfortable behind him.

  “I pretend with them. It’s easy, but it’s exhausting. I don’t have to pretend with you because you know everything anyway.”


  He was right. I did know the majority of it. I might not have known every horrible detail of what had been done to him, but I knew enough to get the general idea. “Thank you.”

  “For what?”

  I smiled at the back of his head. “For giving me your true self.”

  “Only because you found out on your own.”

  I chose to think it was more than that and that we had a bond now because of everything that had happened between us recently. “As soon as we get back on Wish again, I’m taking you to the market and we’re getting lots of fresh fruit,” I promised him.

  “And I’m eating at least two pounds of chocolate in one sitting.”

  I chuckled and splayed my hand over his stomach. He moved back against me. It was only an inch, if that, but it was something and I appreciated it. I closed my eyes and fell asleep with him nearby.

  WHEN I woke up, Arin was just getting out of the shower. He had on loose pants now as he perched at the corner of the bed and watched me as I struggled to become fully awake.

  “What’s your ideal relationship?”

  It was far too early for such a heavy discussion. “What?”

  “You said that your ideal is different than Corbin and Em’s. And I know theirs. So what is yours?”

  Sighing, I sat up in bed. “Why?”

  Arin shrugged. “Why not?”

  “Fine.” I yawned and barely covered my mouth in time. “I’d rather have love instead of worrying about what the other person is doing all the time. If they love me, then what does it matter what else is happening? I know I can be gone for long periods of time, and I also know I can’t be everything to everyone. I’d rather someone be happy and in love with me than settling with me and not having some of their needs met. At the end of the day, as long as I’m the one they love, I don’t care who else is in their bed or in their lives.”

  Arin stared at me for a long time, and eventually I got up and walked to the shower with him still staring after me. We didn’t talk about what I’d said about relationships after that.