Winter Storms

by Oliver, Lucy

  Liam jumped off the fishing trawler and strode toward her, his face set and angry as he glared at Daniel.

  “What’s he doing here?” he said.

  “Come to see Steve, Ali’s husband off,” Carly said, stepping between them. Daniel had been patient so far, but she knew there was a limit to the amount of goading he would take, he only put up with Liam’s rudeness because of her. It was a shame; Liam used to look up to Daniel as the older brother he lacked, but she suspected now that he was jealous of Daniel, of his sailing ability, fame and money. Last night she’d tried to talk to Liam about it but her words had tailed off, because she had to consider whether she was so much different.

  Now she separated the two men; today wasn’t the time for arguments, not with Ali behind, her face pale as she waved goodbye to her husband.

  “Have you got everything, Liam?” she said.

  “Yes,” he said. “All stored in my cabin. There’s not much room, but I’ll only be gone a week and I’ll be working for most of that time.”

  “Have you got sea sickness tablets?”

  He shook his head. “Come on, I’ve been on boats since I was tiny.”

  “It’s different out in the Atlantic though,” Daniel said. “The waves can crash over your entire boat, spinning it around like a horse on a carousel.”

  “How many fishing trawlers have you been on?” Liam said.

  “I’ve been on a fair few lifeboats, rescuing people such as yourself.”

  “Do you expect me to be grateful for that?”

  “Liam!” Carly said.

  Her brother leaned down to kiss her, glancing sideways at Daniel with narrowed eyes. “Take care, sis. Mick’ll be there if you need any help.”

  “Don’t worry,” Daniel said. “I’ll look after her.”

  “Nobody will take care of me, I’m quite capable of looking out for myself,” Carly said. She hugged Liam close. “You be careful, we haven’t got that new lifeboat yet.”

  “You fill me with such confidence.” But he grinned and threw a small rucksack over his shoulder. “I’ll bring you back a mackerel.”

  Carly wiped her eyes as he strode to where the Sea Harvester lay moored to the dock, its metal hulk strained with crimson rust and reeking of decomposing fish. She sighed, not wanting to imagine her brother striding the deck in the Atlantic gales, dressed in his yellow waterproofs, waves crashing across the deck around him. Long chains creaked by the gunwales, wrapped around the powerful turning gear that would lift the nets hundreds of feet from the seabed. Liam was an adult now though and had to make his own decisions; it was time for her to step back and let him live his own life. She just wished he hadn’t chosen to join the fishing fleet, especially not in winter.

  Behind her came the sound of sobbing and she turned. Hands over her face, Ali wept, shoulders shaking and coat stretched tight across her bump. Everyone hoped she‘d go into labour over Christmas, but the baby seemed determined to stay inside. Steve stood beside her, holding her close, his palm resting on her belly, face strained and eyes half closed. He didn’t want to go either, but if he stayed behind, the trawler would be a man down, putting all the crew at risk.

  “I’ll go over in a moment,” Daniel said. “Just let them have a few minutes to say goodbye, this is what she always dreaded.”

  “It’s not a good situation,” Carly said. “Poor girl, the thought of giving birth must be hard enough, without having your husband in the middle of the sea. Will your mother go with her to the hospital?”

  “Mum faints at the sight of blood. If Steve doesn’t get back in time, Ali will be by herself.”

  Carly winced, a couple of years ago, she’d have offered to go with her.

  “The trawlers have radios,” she said, doubtfully. “And first labours can take ages. The skipper won’t go out far, he’s a family man himself.”

  “You know everyone here, don’t you? I feel like such a stranger now, so much has changed.”

  “It’s you that’s changed,” she said, looking at his cashmere overcoat. “Have you spoken to Shane about getting back on the team? Now I’ve done what he asked.”

  “Did he tell you about that? I wish he hadn’t, I wanted you to sail again because you decided to.”

  “I did, I just needed a push and it wasn’t as bad as I feared. I’ve felt better since, knowing that I can do it again if I want to.”

  “We’ll go out again soon.”

  “I’ll be whizzing solo across the bay by the time you go home.” She smiled, but he didn’t return it.

  “Will that be enough?” he said.

  “Sailing for fun?”

  He nodded.

  “I’ll always miss competing, but I think I’m a better person now I’ve given it up. I lived in a tiny world before, thinking about nothing except winning; looking back, I can see now I was selfish and obsessed.”

  “I don’t remember that.”

  “Because you were the same, Daniel. We needed a reminder about what was really important and unfortunately for our arrogant young selves, we got that with a vengeance.”

  He swallowed and looked away, his cheeks flushing, then cleared his throat. “I’m not sure if this is the best place, but I’ve bought you a late Christmas present.” Reaching into his pocket, he took out a square box and she drew sharp breath. “It’s a necklace,” he said.

  She opened the box to find a delicate silver chain inset with tiny emeralds, resting on a midnight blue velvet cushion. “It’s lovely,” she said. “I can’t accept it though, I didn’t get you anything.”

  “In that case I’ll have to take it back, can’t give out necklaces without receiving one in return.” His lips twitched. “Don’t be daft, Carly.”

  She smiled, looking down at the gift, while a slight edge of panic gripped her stomach. This was a present that meant something.

  “I saw it in the jeweller’s window,” he said, “and thought it would suit you. I’m not giving it to you for any other reason, just in case you’re about to throw it at me and run.”

  “Thank you, it’s lovely.”

  She shouldn’t have suspected an ulterior motive. Daniel wouldn’t try to buy her off with a pretty bauble, he wasn’t like that. Raising her head, she caught his gaze and recoiled as if she’d touched an electric eel, her cheeks burning hot as she remembered the last few nights they’d spent together. Already it seemed like a dream, but her muscles pained when she moved and between her legs, there was aching sensation that left her without any doubt.

  He took hold of her hands. “I’ve got you trapped.”

  “I can always escape.”

  His smile faltered and he glanced around, as if checking they were alone. “I love you Carly. I know there’s a lot for us to deal with, but I’m certain they’re issues we can manage.”

  She tried to look down, but he held her gaze as firmly as he did her hands. “I don’t know,” she whispered. “I’m frightened I’ll end up resenting you again, and then we’d have to split up. I’ve spent the last two years rebuilding my life without you and I can’t cope with having to do it again, it would drive me insane.”

  “Who says you’ll lose me?”

  “I’m no use to anyone, I can’t even walk across a pontoon; you’re an Olympic sailor.” She had tears on her eyelashes, would he ever understand how hard it was for her? To be unable to run, sail, or dance all night. “I’m not ready for this yet.”

  “Yet you sleep with me?”

  “I can cope with that, just not plans for the future. I can’t manage that.”

  “Let’s deal with the present then.” He let go of her hand and moved back. “It’s your decision, you know how I feel and the next move is up to you.”

  Nodding, Carly moved a few steps away from him. Why did it have to be so hard? Wiping her ey
es, she peered at the ship, distracting herself by trying to spot Liam. Her brother stood on the deck, watching her with his lips twisted up, shaking his head; it was easy for Liam to say she should stay away. He’d never, to her knowledge, been in love.

  Steve traipsed past her, clutching a kitbag and looking back over his shoulder. Behind her, Ali drew a shuddering breath and glancing back, she was relieved to see Daniel had put his arm around his sister and handed her a tissue. Love could be so painful. She would have gone over herself to comfort Ali, but in her present mood, suspected that Ali would find her presence more annoying than helpful. Here she was, able to see Daniel every day, and yet still unable to give him the love that he wanted.

  Chains rattled from the harbour side and she hugged her coat around herself, as the Sea Harvester switched on its engines. A sharp reek of fuel filled the air, followed by a trail of smoke. Liam smiled and waved, taking hold of the gunwale as the boat slid away from its moorings. Carly waved back, standing by the rail as the trawler reversed and straightened, before chugging across the bay toward the wide, open sea beyond. Looking at the purple line of storm clouds, she closed her eyes. He must come back safe, Liam was the only family she had.

  They needed another half a million to buy the lifeboat and until that money was raised, all the fishermen in Haven Bay were at risk. Already other townsfolk were questioning if the boat was necessary — unfortunately, Duncan was the town councillor and people tended to listen to him. Mick was adamant that they needed it though and she’d take his word over Duncan’s any day.

  Turning away from the rail as the small boat vanished into the winter mist, she shook her head when Ali inhaled deeply. Pregnancy must make women more emotional, because the girl she remembered didn’t used to cry so much; when she got hit by a boom and needed ten stitches in her head, she hadn’t even screamed. They’d been close friends once, but after the accident she’d stopped going around to see her, mostly because she didn’t want to hear about Daniel, but also due to the memories it brought back of the three of them sailing together. Ali only took out a boat for pleasure now; it had been her decision to stop.

  Walking over to where Daniel stood beside his sister, she smiled at Ali.

  “Are you OK?” she said.

  “Not really. I don’t want to give birth by myself, while my husband hauls in cod on the Atlantic.”

  “Is there anyone else who can be with you? What about a friend?”

  Ali stiffened and Carly cursed herself for her lack of tact. Once she’d been Ali’s best friend.

  “I’d like mum,” Ali said, “but since she passes out at the sight of blood, I think she’ll be more hindrance than help. I ate loads of curries over Christmas in the hope it would set me off, however, it made no difference. It’s scary being alone, I don’t even know how to look after a baby.”

  “Your mum would be able to help you there, don’t worry about that.”

  “Easier to say when it’s not you that has to do it.”

  “True, I don’t know much about babies. Linda does though, she’d come and give you a hand.”

  “I’d like my husband to give me a hand; what was the point of all those classes when he’s not here?”

  Carly took a step back. There was no reasoning with Ali today.

  “Mum’s arrived to give you a lift back, sis,” Daniel said, looking back at the car park.

  She nodded and walked slowly across the tarmac toward the waiting car.

  “Such a shame,” Carly said, watching her. “I wouldn’t fancy that either, but then I’ve not had much to do with babies, except Jack and he’s seven now, which is a different thing.”

  Daniel linked arms with her. “Have you ever considered having children?” he said.

  She shook her head, tensing. “I’m not against the idea, but it’s never come up.”

  “You didn’t think about it before, when we were together?”

  “Only as a vague thing that might happen in the future, my mother was so terrible, I’m wary about having children. What if I turn out the same way?”

  “You’re nothing like your mother and I think you’d make a great mum.”

  “I don’t know, Daniel, it’s all very confusing at the moment.”

  “It doesn’t have to be.” He strode down the steps to the beach and she followed him, a layer of frozen snow across the sand crunching under her boots. In front of them, the rising sun glowed pink and yellow across the sky, the crisp air numbing her nose and lips. In the distance, a dog barked, running free on the beach and, glancing toward the tiny shape at the other side of the sand, she was aware that they were alone.

  He must have realised too, because his arm tightened over her shoulder, pulling her against him and, leaning down, he kissed her.

  “Have you made a decision yet?” he said.

  She shook her head, muscles stiffening.

  “I’m not going to rush you, but we can’t carry on like this indefinitely. I don’t want to spend each night wondering if you’re going to break it off again in the morning.”

  “I love being with you, it feels right, but it’s your job. Accepting that I’ll have to watch you heading off every morning to training and race, while I stay behind to mind the shop. I think I’ll resent it after the initial excitement has worn off and that will tear us apart.”

  “Or you might find you accept it.” He stared directly down, his grey eyes darkening.

  “I’m not sure if I can, when you’re not with me … ” Her voice trailed off.

  “You hate me?”

  “No, I feel confused. I never expected this to happen, for there to be any chance of us getting back together.”

  “Neither did I, that’s why I got engaged to Imogen. It never felt right though, and the moment I saw you, standing in the snow, I realised why. I’m not going to persuade you to come back though, if you don’t want to, I just can’t cope with this continual hot and cold, you need to make a decision and if it’s a no, I’m going to return back to my flat and the team.”

  “I thought you weren’t going to pressure me?” She pulled back, but he tightened his arm, holding her against him.

  “Surely you can see that this can’t go on forever? If you can’t work out in this time whether you want to be with me, then maybe the answer is no.”

  “It’s not you, it’s never been you.”

  “I know that. It’s because of what I did, and because of the person I’ve become, that’s what you can’t accept, I understand that. Shane explained it to me. I didn’t want to hear it at the time, but now that I’ve had the chance to think about what he said, I realise he was right. Of course it would be impossible for you to have stayed with me two years ago, how could you have seen all your own dreams destroyed, then been expected to support me in mine? No one could have done that, I couldn’t have done that if it was the other way around, and I didn’t have as good a chance as you did.” He reached down to grip her hands. “You were selected for the Olympic team, Carly, a guaranteed place, Shane told me later. He didn’t want you to know because he thought it would upset you further, but I think it’s important that you do.”

  Carly lowered her head to hide the tears in her eyes. The Olympic team! She’d had a place and no one had ever told her. Without the accident, she could have won a medal too, the gold that she’d spent eight years of her life training for — sacrificing her friends, social life, and even her education. It had been taken away from her by the man who held her now in his arms, the man she loved.

  “Carly, say something?” he said, leaning down to look at her.

  She swallowed and raised her head, knowing her mouth was set and cheeks wet.

  “I shouldn’t have told you,” he said.

  “I’m glad you did, I’d have always wondered if I’d been good enough. At least now I know I was, b
ut it also makes what I lost seem even greater. I could be out there with you as part of the Olympic team instead of stumbling across the harbour, leaning on a stick. Our lives are so different, I can’t see how we can ever have a future together.”

  “Don’t say that,” he whispered. “Carly, don’t!”

  His voice broke and she leaned against him, her head pressing into his shoulder — this was so hard! She couldn’t bear to hurt him again, but if she stayed with him, it could only get more painful. No, she couldn’t cope with that, best to finish it now, before he became such an important part of her life it would break her heart to leave him.

  “I’m sorry,” she said, pulling away from him, blinded by tears. “I never should have gotten involved with you again, I knew it was wrong. I’m sorry, I’m sorry that I hurt you again.”

  Turning, she stumbled across the beach, wind chapping her face. Glancing back once, she saw him standing still where she had left him on the frozen sand, his hand across his face and shoulders slumped.

  CHAPTER TWELVE

  Daniel put his fork down and took a mouthful of tea; it helped melt the hard lump that prevented him swallowing his dinner. His mother glanced at him, then at his plate, and frowned. Usually he had a good appetite, not today though.

  “Are you all right?” Ali said, white-faced, she sat opposite him toying with her food also. A couple of times she’d put her hand to her stomach and he’d watched her, tensing, but she didn’t say anything and he exhaled in relief. That last thing he needed was Ali going into labour tonight, not when he could only think of Carly. This time there was no chance of them getting back together, he couldn’t keep being yanked about like a dog on a leash.