by Kelsie Rae
I pity the boy in front of me. Because I know that he's in the middle of throwing away the best thing that ever happened to him.
He's weak.
He's hurting.
He doesn't deserve her.
I roll off of Lana as soon as we're finished. She sighs softly before sliding closer and snuggling into my naked chest on the couch in my front room.
I feel dirty.
Like I need to shower and rinse my mouth out with bleach.
The high that usually comes after sex never arrives. Instead, I'm hit with an overwhelming sense of loathing.
Of hate.
Of revulsion.
Lana opens her mouth to say something, when there's a loud knock on my door.
I don't move a muscle as the pounding continues.
What the hell?
"Adam! It's me! Open up!"
Luke’s voice sends my heart into a panicked gallop against my ribs.
Shit.
"Adam! Seriously, man! It's about Liv!"
Her name alone hits me like a physical assault, making me gasp for some much-needed oxygen.
Lana lifts her head, looking down at me with her hazel eyes that are all wrong. They're not the stormy gray ones I love so much.
What the hell did I just do?
"You gonna get that?" Her voice reminds me of nails on a chalkboard, and I wonder how the hell I ended up in this position.
Luke has a key to our house. He’s had it since we were in middle school and promised to feed my pet fish when my family went on vacation.
It didn’t survive the week, but Luke kept the key anyway.
He rarely uses it because my mom would flip her shit if he walked in unannounced when she was home. But it doesn’t surprise me when I hear his keys jingle on the other side of the door.
The foreboding feeling in my gut is impossible to ignore.
My body feels as though it weighs a thousand pounds as I slowly sit up. Grabbing a maroon throw blanket from the back of the couch, I wrap it around my waist before walking toward the door. Each step feels like I'm inching my way to the guillotine. My hands tremble as I watch the deadbolt flip and the door handle twist.
Luke shoves it open before stalking inside like a wild beast.
When his gaze collides with mine, I know I've screwed up. Not like I didn’t know beforehand, but still. The damage I've caused is so brutal that it'll be impossible to repair.
Luke looks around the entry way in confusion before taking notice of mine and Lana's clothes strewn across the tile.
Luke's voice is eerily calm when he asks, "Where's your mom?"
"She's out."
His jaw clenches as he scans my naked chest. "Anything else you wanna say?"
My nostrils flare. Maybe it's the alcohol pulsing through my veins, but I'm not ready to admit I'm in the wrong right now, so I go on the offensive. "Yeah, actually. What the hell were you doing with my girlfriend?"
He scoffs, his face painted in skepticism. "Are you shitting me right now? Why the hell does your house reek of alcohol? Why the hell are you naked?"
Lana peeks over the couch, and her movement catches Luke's attention.
He shakes his head knowingly. "And why the hell is Lana here?"
I raise my hands aggressively. "Lana is none of your concern."
Luke laughs sardonically. "Are you freaking serious right now?" He shakes his head in disbelief.
"Yeah, I'm serious." I argue. "Lana isn't your concern and neither is my girlfriend, so back the hell off!"
"You want me to back off? You want me to leave Liv alone?"
"Yeah!" I roar. "That's exactly what I want! None of this would've ever happened if you hadn't kept sniffing around my girlfriend! This is all your fault!" I lift my arms, motioning to the family room and what just happened.
Luke shoves his hand into his hair, pulling at the strands in frustration. "You don't deserve her!" he argues, bitterly. “You just let the best thing that ever happened to you slip through your fingers, and for what? For her?” He glances over at Lana who’s busy peeking over the couch like we’re her own personal soap opera.
Now it's my turn to laugh, though I don't mean it. I don't mean any of the shit I'm spewing right now. I'm lost. So. Damn. Lost. "Doesn't matter, asshole! You let her slip through your fingers first! You could’ve had her, but you were too much of a pussy to do anything about it! Stop blaming me for the fact that you’re a coward! You're just pissed that I got the girl. Me.” I pound my chest. “And all you got was the best friend role." I smile arrogantly at him. "You'll always be second, Luke. It's about time you figured it out."
Luke stumbles back a step, piling on the guilt that's already swarming my entire being.
But it's too late.
I can't take back what I did with Lana, and I can't take back what I’ve said to Luke.
I just threw away the best two things that ever happened to me like they didn't even matter. And it's all because my mind is so screwed up that I don't know what's right anymore, and what's wrong.
"You're right." Luke's face is ghostly pale as he whispers, "I stopped by to tell you that Grandma had a heart attack. She's gone. Liv found out while we were at the school. I did my best to comfort her, to tell her everything is going to be all right. But she doesn’t need me.” He looks pained as soon as the words leave his mouth. “Liv shouldn't be alone right now, but you shouldn't be driving, either. I'm going to pick her up and take her back to her house. When you’re sober, she'll be waiting."
Shit. It all makes sense now. The hug. The emotionally charged auditorium. Everything except my epic screw-up that I know I’ll never be forgiven for. I don’t deserve to be.
How could I do this to her? To them?
Luke takes a step to the door, but I step in front of him, stopping his escape.
"Luke," I mumble. I don't know what to say, but I can't let him leave like this. I'm a dumbass. This is my best friend. He's like a brother to me. But my fuzzy mind can't seem to come up with an apology. It’s a jumbled mess of self-loathing, and I can’t seem to get my tongue to cooperate.
He looks over at me with a combination of betrayal, hatred, and defeat, but doesn’t say a word as he assesses me. My stomach knots. After a tense minute, he releases a deep breath, and his shoulders slump forward.
Shaking his head, he murmurs, "She needs you right now, and that's the only reason I won't tell her about this. You're right. I can't keep living in your shadow. I'll stay for the funeral...then I'm gone."
He goes to shove past me, but I hold firm.
"Luke," I repeat, my eyes gathering with tears.
His jaw clenches in anger.
"I'm sorry," I whisper. How can I fix this?
We remain at an impasse as my apology hangs in the air.
There's nothing left to say.
"Just...." He closes his eyes in defeat as his anger slowly melts away into utter sadness. "Don't hurt her. And don't screw up again. Or I'll come back and kill you myself."
With that, he leaves.
And all I'm left with is my overwhelming guilt as company.
Chapter 9
Luke
When I get back to the school, Liv's in a crumpled ball on the bathroom floor, blending in with used paper towels scattered along the tile.
"Hey," I whisper before walking over and picking her up.
She's a mess. Her mascara has stained her cheeks, and her eyes are still puffy and swollen when she peeks up at me.
"Hi," she breathes as she wraps her arms around my neck and tucks her face into my shoulder.
Once we're in the car, she pulls her knees to her chest in the front seat before asking, "Where's Adam?" Her voice sounds like she gargled glass while I was away. My chest squeezes.
"He's...." I breathe deeply, feeling like I might choke on the lie I'm about to tell. "He's just finishing up dinner. He's going to meet us at your house, okay?"
She nods her head before resting her chin on her knees, sile
ntly looking out the window.
The trees fly by in a green blur as we drive down the road. A comfortable quietness envelops the cab of my car, and I soak up every moment.
I wasn't kidding when I promised Adam I was leaving.
I can't do this anymore.
He was right. I'll always be second to Liv, and I can’t keep living in his shadow.
It's slowly killing me, and she has no idea.
When we pull up to her house, the place looks the same but lacks its usual luster.
It seems that Liv notices too, because her hands shake as she grips the door handle for a brief second before letting her arm fall to her side. "I don't wanna go in."
I nod my head, understanding her reasons why.
“I know, Liv.” I look over at her and see she’s staring out the windshield, her expression blank.
"If I go in," she continues, "Then she won't be there. She won't have freshly baked cookies on the cooling rack. She won't have Jeopardy playing in the family room. It'll…." She releases a shaky breath. "It'll just be...me."
She squeezes her eyes shut tightly, wishing it were all a bad dream. Wishing that someone could pinch her to wake her up and bring her grandma back. I know this because I’m wishing for the same thing. That today was just a nightmare we could both wake up from.
"I'm so sorry, Liv." My voice breaks. I don't know what else to say. She doesn't deserve this.
She deserves the world.
Hesitantly, she turns to me. "You coming inside?"
I bite my tongue to keep from spilling Adam's indiscretion, knowing that she'd break into a million irreparable pieces if I told her right now.
Slowly, I shake my head. "I can't. I'm sorry, Liv. I just...I can't.” For reasons you can never know.
“Adam will be here soon, though, okay? He'll take care of you. He'll make everything better. I promise."
She gasps quietly before processing my words. Anxiously, her gaze bounces around my entire face as though she’s looking for something. "Why did that sound like a goodbye, Luke?"
I shake my head, feeling uneasy. "It's not a goodbye, sweetheart. I'll see you soon, okay? I just need to go home. My mom texted," I lie straight through my teeth. "But Adam will be here any minute."
Speak of the devil. Adam pulls up behind me, nearly hitting my car and confirming that he isn't completely sober yet. When he steps out, his hair is still damp from a shower, and I'm glad he at least had the decency to wash Lana off of him before coming to comfort his girlfriend.
My mouth floods with stomach acid at the thought.
I tighten my grip on the steering wheel until my knuckles turn white.
I'm praying I can keep my anger in control until I get out of here.
Then all bets are off.
Casually, Adam saunters over to Liv's door before opening it with a piercing squeak.
I don't move an inch.
Not when he bends over, and not when she scrambles into his arms.
I swallow thickly, keeping my gaze on the windshield in front of me, even though I'm dying inside. Dying to comfort her. To hold her. To make her feel better.
To tell her the truth.
"Thanks for dropping her off," Adam states roughly. His voice is dripping with anguish, but it's not enough to make me put the car in park and join them the way I want to.
Instead, I nod brusquely while continuing to stare straight ahead.
Adam gets the gist and closes the door quickly. The guilt radiates off him in waves, nearly suffocating me. Because it’s not just his secret anymore. It’s mine too.
I can't help my wandering eyes as I watch Adam pull her into his chest and guide her up the front steps. My gaze zeroes in on her hands gripping his T-shirt the same way she was gripping mine only hours before.
It's enough to make me physically ill.
I hit the gas and speed home, surprised I don't get a ticket for going twenty above the speed limit.
That'd be my luck after how everything played out today.
After shoving my car into park in the driveway of my home, I slam my hand against the steering wheel and finally break down, letting the emotions that have been threatening to break free come to the surface.
I dig my fingers into my hair, tugging at the roots as an angry cry escapes my throat.
I’m sobbing for what could've been, but will never be.
All because I was too much of a chicken shit to fight for what I wanted.
And knowing that I'll never get the chance to have her.
To kiss her.
To make her mine.
It kills me.
Chapter 10
Adam
The last two weeks have been beyond agonizing.
I've literally been physically sick from the secret I'm keeping. I can't tell Liv, though.
I can't.
I know that if I do, I'll lose her forever, and I know that I wouldn't survive such a loss.
Which is ironic, isn't it? That I've been questioning our relationship for the past four months, wondering if we should break up and go our separate ways, only to learn that she's truly my everything. It only took one fatal screw up for me to recognize that I'd die without her.
The funeral was miserable. Liv tried to put on a strong front for everyone, but you could tell she was broken. Luke didn't say a single word to me. Didn't even look at me. Pretended I didn't exist.
And I can't blame him one bit.
Sometimes I pretend I don't exist too.
Then I remember what Luke said to me the day it all fell apart. "She needs you." And it somehow gives me the strength to move forward. To be the man she needs me to be.
Liv’s eyes are puffy when I pull up to her house.
I received a text from Luke a few minutes ago. The message was short and to the point.
Luke: My mom just called. Liv needs you. Now.
Within seconds, I was able to piece together what he didn’t tell me.
He left.
Before I can open the car door fully, Liv rushes down the steps of her home and practically tackles me on impact.
Soothingly, I rub her back, trying to comfort her as I step the rest of the way out of my car and lean against the cold metal.
“He left,” she sobs as she grips my T-shirt angrily. She tugs on the fabric, twisting and turning it with white knuckles while her agony nearly swallows her whole.
A lump the size of a golf ball sits in my throat.
What the hell should I say?
“I’m so sorry, baby.”
“Did you know?” she probes with an accusing tone.
I pause before shaking my head. I had an idea, sure, but I didn’t know he was serious about leaving so quickly.
Before Grandma died, we had plans to stay together for the summer as one last final hoorah. Then I screwed everything up. I squeeze my eyes shut for a moment, trying to hide the disgust I feel for myself. Thankfully, she’s so distracted by Luke’s absence that she doesn’t notice.
Liv shakes her head in anger. “He didn’t even let me say goodbye. I had to find out from his mom.” She chokes on the words. “Why wouldn’t he let me say goodbye?” She whispers the last sentence to herself like she’s trying to solve a jigsaw puzzle.
Little does she know, it isn’t possible because she doesn’t have all of the pieces.
She doesn’t know the truth.
That the man who truly deserves her just forfeited. For me.
My heart hurts.
For so many reasons.
Sliding onto my ass in the middle of her crumbling driveway, I pull Liv into my arms where we both mourn the loss of our best friend.
The finality of his actions is hard to ignore, and Liv can read between the lines just as well as I can.
He’s not coming back.
But what she doesn’t know is...it’s all my fault.
I'm sitting in the den, waiting for my mom to come home, so I can tell her the good news. Well, good news for me and Liv,
anyway. Probably not so much for her. After a few hours of overwhelming sadness, Liv and I had a heart-to-heart.
No, I didn’t tell her about Lana, but I did step up. If Luke was willing to leave her in my care then you damn well better believe I wasn’t going to squander my second chance.
Now I need to break it to my mom.
She has no idea what's coming, and I can't wait to educate her. I smirk at the thought.
My mom walks into the room with a handful of shopping bags dangling from her delicate wrists when she sees me and jumps a mile into the air from shock.
After bracing her hand against her pounding heart, she slips her sunglasses from her face and looks me up and down.
"Hello, Adam. What are you doing home?"
"I'm ready to discuss my inheritance," I offer casually before leaning back on the couch and resting my arms on the top.
Her botoxed lips tilt into a tight smile. "Already?"
On the night that Liv's grandma died, my mom approached me and said we'd put a pin in my inheritance discussion until things calmed down somewhat in Liv's life. "Let the poor girl grieve. Then we'll discuss your future."
"Yup. Now seems like a good time," I reply, standing then taking the bags from her.
Things might be tense between us when discussing Liv, but overall, we have a pretty good relationship.
She's my mom. I love her––despite her meddling tendencies.
Ever since Grandma's funeral, I've tried to soak up every moment I can with every person I care about. You never know when it'll be your last, and with Grandma’s passing, I was reminded of that exact thing.
I was pretty close to Grandma too. Their home was way too tiny to hang out in for long periods of time, but she would always be ready with a fresh batch of cookies whenever I’d come to pick Liv up for a date, and I loved that about her. She was always smiling too. I’m pretty sure she passed that particular trait on to Liv, and I couldn’t be more grateful. Everyone could use a little more sunshine in their lives.
"Thanks, baby." My mom kisses my cheek tenderly, and I smile in return before rubbing off the smudge of makeup she's left on my skin.