Full Measures

by Rebecca Yarros

  A ball of frustration worked its way into my throat, nearly choking me. “You really don’t think I know what you’re doing, April? You’re here to forget.”

  Her head snapped up, her gaze meeting mine, but she didn’t speak.

  “You want to forget everything that hurts. You don’t want to think about the fact that Mom can’t seem to function, or that Gus doesn’t have a dad . . . that we don’t have Dad.” Now it was my eyes that were blurring. “You’re sick of crying, and worrying, and the fucking pain! So you lose yourself in someone, and you give over to those feelings because for those few moments, there’s nothing in your head or your heart but the way he’s making you feel. Yeah, April, I get it.”

  She shook her head, her mouth hanging open like a fish sucking air. “You do? How?”

  I leaned back against the car next to her, freezing my skin where it met with metal. “Because I’ve done the same exact thing.”

  “No way.”

  I looked away, toward the frat house where Josh was doing God-knows-what with God-knows-who. “Not my finest moment, but Riley put me back into a tailspin, and Josh . . .”

  “OMG! You slept with Josh Walker? Details!”

  “No, I did not sleep with him!” A heavy sigh escaped me. I couldn’t blame her for what I’d done, too. “But that’s only because he is a really, really, exceptionally good guy. He knew what I was doing, and he . . . took care of me, watched out for me.”

  “I’d like to take care of him,” she muttered.

  I smacked the back of her head. “Knock it off. I’m just saying I know what you’re feeling, because I am, too. But you can’t sneak into a strange guy’s bed and sleep around. You’re giving away all these pieces of yourself, and if you don’t stop, there’s not going to be anything left of who you really are.”

  She sniffed and rested her head on my shoulder. I leaned my head on top of hers. “April, I’m not perfect. I’m a train wreck, and I have been since long before Dad died. I only stepped up because I was the one who could. Mom wasn’t functioning, and Gus needed someone. You needed someone. I couldn’t let it in, I couldn’t let the pieces fall. I still can’t. Why do you think I’m here, going to this school we both know wasn’t even on my fallback list?”

  “I thought you wanted to go to Vanderbilt? Whatever happened to that?”

  “I clung to a plan because it made me feel better, a plan that had nothing to do with what I wanted. I let myself get sucked into someone else’s dream. What you call being perfect is actually me treading water with every ounce of strength I have so I don’t drown.”

  We stood there quietly for a few moments, both staring up at the crystalline Colorado stars. They were clearer here than at any other duty station we’d been to, and definitely one of my favorite parts of living here. I made out the shape of Orion in the sky and waited for April to speak, content to stay as long as she needed me to.

  “I’m kind of glad you’re as much of a mess as I am,” she whispered.

  I closed my eyes and sighed. “I’m so much more screwed up than you could ever be, April. But it would really help my shit pile if you could keep yourself together just a little.”

  She nodded against my shoulder. “Can we go home?”

  “Sounds like a plan. I can’t feel my knees as it is.” We both burst into laughter for a moment before she grasped my hand.

  “Thank you for getting the SD card.”

  “It was all Josh.” Gus and hockey, April and the card, me and . . . whatever we were doing. One by one, he seemed to be saving every member of my family.

  “He’s pretty amazing.”

  “Yeah, tell me something I don’t already know.”

  “I wouldn’t mind ‘forgetting’ for a while with him. As a matter of fact, for Josh Walker, I’d consider temporary amnesia.”

  I gave her a light push and then hugged her back. “Ugh. No more talking about Josh.”

  “Just sayin’, I’ve seen that picture of him on your wall at home. The newspaper clipping from when they won state when you were in high school. You had a huge thing for him.” She tilted her head back at me. “You still do. There’s nothing wrong with getting over Riley, Ember. Or Dad.”

  “It’s too soon. I don’t know what the hell I’m doing with myself. I can’t bring someone else down with me.”

  “Then what are you doing?”

  “I don’t know.” Panic choked my voice as I realized I’d just shamelessly sent Josh more-than-mixed signals. What the hell was wrong with me?

  Sunday afternoon, the doorbell chimed as I walked into my favorite creamery, ready for a fix. I hadn’t seen Josh since Friday, and as hard as I was trying to distance myself and take it slow, I missed him. I’d thought of a dozen reasons to go over to his apartment yesterday, from the mundane, “can I borrow a cup of sugar?” to “our garbage disposal broke.” I’d debated chucking a wrench into it just for the excuse. By this morning, I’d been jonesing for the taste of Josh, so strawberry ice cream, like the night I’d apologized in his apartment, would have to do.

  If I hurried, I could grab Gus a cone and get it home before it melted. It was still early enough that Mom wouldn’t flip that I’d spoiled his dinner.

  “Next!” the black-aproned attendant called out.

  Two scoops of strawberry in a sugar cone and two scoops of mud pie in a waffle cone later, I paid the clerk. Strawberry ice cream filled my mouth, and I smiled. I could almost feel his hands on my face, and his voice in my ear. As I rounded the corner near the register, the rest of the store came into view, and I about choked on my ice cream.

  I could hear him laughing from here and the smile that lit up Josh’s face was breathtaking. It was mirrored by the enormous grin on my little brother’s chocolate-covered face as he sat across from him, his arms waving in the air like mad.

  “And then guess what? Mrs. Bluster said my volcano was the most awesome volcano she’d ever seen! And then I got to start it up! And then guess what? It exploded!” His hands went wild in animation. “And then everyone’s like, ‘cool!’ but I don’t think Mrs. Bluster thought so. I mean, there was red stuff all over the white board and the floor!”

  I laughed out loud, imagining the scenario he painted so vividly.

  “I’m sure she thought your volcano’s unpredictability was awesome. All the best ones are, you know,” Josh answered.

  Gus waved when he saw me. “Ember!”

  I crossed the room, keeping my eyes locked on Gus. “I was going to surprise you with this.” I handed him the cone. “But it appears you’ve already been kidnapped.”

  He grinned up at me, sporting another lost tooth. “Cool! Double ice cream! Thanks!” Gus dug in, and I prayed I didn’t just cause him a huge bellyache.

  I glanced at Josh, who looked as happy and surprised to see me as I was to see him.

  “Hey.” He pulled out a chair, and I took it, sitting between them. “Gus, you lied,” Josh accused, mock shock on his face.

  Gus’s brow furrowed. “No, she doesn’t like strawberry. She likes cookies ’n’ cream.”

  I took another swipe at the ice cream so I wouldn’t have to talk. Josh wasn’t fooled. “Funny.” He laughed. “Strawberry’s my favorite.”

  I knew I was turning shades way darker than the ice cream. “I just wanted to change it up,” I lied. No, I’d wanted to taste Josh, and he knew it.

  “So, what am I supposed to do with this?” he asked playfully, pointing to the hand-packed quart of cookies ’n’ cream.

  “Oh, I’ll eat that, too,” I promised. He’d bought me ice cream!

  “Good to know you have a weakness besides coffee, Miss Howard.”

  He didn’t know that he was my other vice, and he stared at me in a way that made me picture more Sunday afternoons and ice cream stores. “I have a ton of weak spots, Mr. Walker.”

  “Done!” Gus shouted like he’d won a race.

  “Gus, man. You’re a mess.”

  He was right. Gus’s entire mout
h was covered and most of his cheeks assaulted, too. He’d put away two scoops faster than I’d managed one. I pointed to the bathroom. “Clean it up, buddy.” He gave me a mile-wide grin and slipped into the bathroom.

  “You really bought me ice cream?” I asked Josh.

  “How else was I supposed to find an excuse to see you? Borrow fake sugar?” My cheeks burned. He leaned forward on his elbows. “Besides, you really bought my ice cream?” He dipped forward and took a mouthful of the strawberry, leaving some around his mouth.

  “Yeah,” I whispered. “I missed you, I guess.”

  He ran his tongue over his lower lip, catching the rest of the pink ice cream. “If your brother wasn’t with us, I’d kiss you.”

  Yes, please. I was ready to crawl across the table, ice cream and all, for it. “Yeah, you’re probably right.”

  “When are you going to put me out of my misery?” he asked with a smile, biting into my cone.

  “You don’t look miserable to me.” I wiped away a drop of ice cream from his lip with my thumb, and licked it off.

  He groaned. “Trust me, I am. When are you going to let me take you out?”

  My eyebrows raised. “Like an actual date?”

  “Yeah, you know, like pick you up, we go out, have a good time, I steal a good night kiss?” He leaned back across the table and whispered, “I get to tell people you’re mine?”

  Could I do that? Was I ready? First dates weren’t exactly commitments, right? Gus saved me from answering by walking back in, clean face and all. We stood, tossed our trash, and headed for the parking lot.

  “Want me to take you home, Gus?” I asked as we stood halfway between our cars.

  “I’ve got a better idea,” Josh interrupted. “What do you say to laser tag?”

  Gus lit up. “Heck yes!” He scrambled into Josh’s Jeep.

  Josh turned back to me in question. “Ember? Want to shoot at each other in the dark?”

  He was giving up his Sunday afternoon for ice cream and laser tag with my little brother. “Where is your flaw, Josh Walker?”

  He laughed. “I keep it in the closet.”

  I slid next to him as he told Gus to move to the backseat and reached on tiptoes to whisper in his ear. “If it’s dark in there, does it mean I get a kiss?”

  He turned around so I was against his chest. “I have half a mind to tell you no more kisses until I get a date.”

  “Oh?” I stepped back so Gus wouldn’t get the wrong . . . ahem, right . . . idea.

  “Yeah, but you see, that’s my flaw, December Howard.” He helped me into the Jeep and reached across to buckle me in. He slid back, stopping to whisper in my ear. “I have no self-control when it comes to you.”

  Problem was, I saw that as a virtue, not a flaw.

  Chapter Sixteen

  I adjusted the gold scarf around my neck and waved to Mom down the stands. She was holding an entire row of seats. April gave me a smile and patted the chair on the other side of her. Coffee in hand, I started toward them. Today was the semifinals round of playoffs for Gus.

  The tingles in my fingers weren’t from the chilled temperature of the World Arena, but from knowing I’d see Josh. Every day for the last two weeks, he’d asked me out, and for the last two weeks, I’d avoided answering. He’d borrowed cups of sugar, found “lost” mail, and tapped out Morse code on our shared bedroom wall. I saw him in class, at practice, and ran into him at home, but I was never, ever alone with him. Being alone with Josh always led to me being naked. Not allowed. Besides, he’d held true to his threat and hadn’t kissed me in fourteen very long days.

  What the hell was holding me back? Just the fear of the risk, of letting him all the way in and getting destroyed when I’d barely put myself back together.

  Walking into class yesterday, I’d slid into my seat at the same time a leggy brunette perched on his desk. I kept my eyes on my notebook, pressing the date deeply into the paper as her giggle nauseated me. “Josh, I can’t wait to see you play tomorrow night. I bet you’ll score a goal just for me, huh?”

  Vomit. This would be it. The moment I realized he’d finally grown tired of waiting for me to get my act together.

  “I’m hoping to score a lot of goals, Scarlet.” Double vomit.

  Her giggle was even more obnoxious than the first one. “Of course.” What the hell was she? Part hyena?

  “And there’s only one girl I’m thinking about.” Why did he have to use that tone of voice? The one without flirting or chauvinistic shimmer? Why did he have to use the low, seriously sexy one he reserved for me, the one I couldn’t ignore . . . at her?

  His hand reached across the aisle and captured mine. My gaze flew toward his, and I found him staring. My smile must have told Scarlet everything she needed to know, because she hopped right off his desk.

  “Sorry, Ember! I didn’t realize . . . well, yeah!” She bounced back to her seat.

  He didn’t drop my gaze. “I meant every word.”

  “I know.” And I did.

  “Gus is starting tomorrow.”

  “Yeah, you’ve done amazing things with him.”

  “He’s an amazing kid,” he countered. “December, about tomorrow—”

  “Don’t.” My fingers cut into my palms around the pen. “Don’t ask again, not yet. There’s something in me that can’t tell you no, so just don’t.”

  He kissed my hand, a quick brush of his lips against my palm, and dropped his hold.

  I wanted him with a desperation that threatened to overwhelm my common sense, and I never allowed that to happen.

  “Ember!” April’s voice snapped me back to the present.

  I slid past Mom and took the seat next to April. We were two rows behind Gus’s bench, but the ice was empty. The boys had already warmed up and were in the locker room getting their pep talk. The arena was about halfway full, not bad for a pee-wee hockey tournament. If they won this game, it was on to the league championships.

  “You didn’t bring me coffee,” my sister pouted.

  “I didn’t realize you were coming.” I offered her mine, but she shook her head.

  “It will give me an excuse to sneak out during second period and find a Starbucks.” She laughed and went back to playing on her iPhone.

  I sipped my mocha and smiled at Mom, who returned it. Her skin was flushed, her eyes bright with excitement. She’d been looking forward to this game all week. Sitting with her on those wooden chairs felt like nothing had changed, almost like she had never left.

  Her eyes drifted past me, and a wider smile graced her thin face. “Gwen! I saved you a seat!” She waved up to Mrs. Barton, and I cringed.

  Riley’s mom slid past me, patting my shoulder. “So good to see you, Ember!” She gave me a little wink. “I brought you a present. Maybe you two could have a little talk?”

  Oh no.

  She did not.

  April kept her head pointed at her phone, but slid her eyes my way with raised eyebrows. Her gaze landed above my head briefly, and her indrawn breath told me he was here. “You okay?” she mouthed at me.

  I swallowed and tried to find a little bit of that grace Mom preached so heavily about within me. Be the better person, my ass.

  “Hey, babe.”

  Riley’s voice drenched me in familiarity. I didn’t bother looking up. Besides, the ice was fascinating, right? “Don’t call me that.”

  He sat next to me. “Sorry, old habits and everything.”

  “Right, and everything.”

  “Ember, can we at least be civil?” He angled toward me.

  “I’d tell you to fuck right off, if I were Ember, but I’m allowed to say those things, seeing as I’m all grief-stricken and whatnot,” April answered from next to me, still engrossed in her phone.

  Mom shot her a death glare.

  I checked my watch. They’d take the ice any second now, and I’d be stuck next to Riley for hours in crappy, uncomfortable silence if I didn’t swallow my pride and make nice. The high r
oad sucked. “We can be perfectly civil, Riley.”

  He reached across the cup holder and held onto my hand. “I’ve missed you.”

  I yanked my hand away from his. “I said civil, Riley. Don’t touch me.”

  “Can you at least look at me?”

  I turned, expecting my heart to break all over again, but oddly enough, it only twinged like a splinter. “Happy?” Not that he didn’t look good, because he did. Abercrombie perfect as usual, but there was something in those blue eyes that wasn’t normally there. Remorse?

  “Not really, honestly. Not since you left.”

  The announcer spared my speechlessness. “Your Colorado Tigers!” Cheers erupted around us as the boys skated out, raising their arms to the roof like they were already NHL stars. I jumped to my feet, calling out Gus’s name and clapping. He’d worked so hard to get here. I couldn’t be more proud of him.

  The boys skated around the goal and back to stand in a straight line. Jagger walked onto the ice and into the box, followed by the head coach, and then my breath caught. Josh came out onto the ice and turned into the box. His black suit draped over the powerful angles of his body, complete with black shirt and gold tie. I had the most ludicrous vision of winding that tie over my hand and pulling him toward me.

  His eyes skirted over the crowd before they locked onto me. I met his private smile with one of my own. One thing I craved almost as much as Josh himself was the peace, the serenity I felt when I was around him. Everything else melted away. Seeing him brought to mind all those horrible analogies in romance novels, like water in a drought, sunshine in winter, color in a world of gray. Yes, yes, yes. He was all of that and more.

  Josh eclipsed Riley, and the twinge at seeing Riley again after these six weeks was no more. Could I really be over it?

  “Is he . . . What’s going on with you now?” Riley asked, his voice dropping just like his face.

  I nodded. “Yeah, I think he is.”

  Josh’s eyes moved to the right, over Riley, and his smile faltered. He gave me a head nod, like he finally had something figured out, and turned his back on me. Shit. He thought I was here with Riley.