Full Measures

by Rebecca Yarros

  I didn’t have time to dwell on it when the puck dropped.

  The first period went by in a blink, and the Bears were up on us two to nothing. Gus skated his heart out, but man, the other team was good.

  The kids headed back to the locker room, and the coaches filed out after them. Josh glanced up at me, but his eyes held none of their usual warmth.

  “Hungry?” Riley asked.

  My stomach answered for me. “Sure.”

  “You kids have fun.” His mom winked at us.

  Once we were at the top of the stairs, entering the rotunda, I had to ask. “Your mom has no clue why we broke up, huh?”

  Riley shook his head and ran his hand through his hair in a gesture I knew all too well. “No. I told her we’d grown apart, and you needed to move down here for your family. She’s secretly plotting with your mom to get us together.”

  I laughed. “Yeah, I haven’t told Mom, either, otherwise she’d know this was never going to happen.”

  Riley stopped in front of the snack bar and ordered me a slice of cheese pizza and a root beer. That’s what being with someone for three years did; he knew the mundane details about me. “Never?”

  I stared up at him for a long moment, absorbing the light in his eyes, the way his hair lay, the familiar worried purse of his mouth. A feeling of peace came over me, and I managed to let it all go. “Never, Riley.”

  “But we have a plan, and it’s a great plan. You in teaching, me in law. Everything is mapped out so perfectly.” He took our pizza from the cashier and handed me the soda. “How can that all just be . . . over?”

  We chose a spot to the side, sitting at a tall table tucked away in an alcove. “It just is, Ry.”

  “But I love you. I’m not just saying that. I’ve known since our junior year that you were my perfect partner. I know we can work past this if we fight for it.”

  I chewed my pizza slowly, turning over the phrasing in my head before I swallowed. “That’s just it. I don’t have any more fight in me. Too much has happened to go back, and the things you’ve done make it impossible to go forward.” I sighed, letting the last of my pain over Riley go with my words. “I want to be angry. I want to scream, and kick, and tell you what an asshole you are for what you did, but the truth is I’m not mad anymore. I just don’t have the energy for it.” There was no bluff, no lie. Out of everything that had happened the last six weeks, he was something I was actually over. Saying it aloud only drove it home.

  “Is it this thing with Josh Walker? Is that why you won’t give me a second chance?” I knew from the strain on his face what this was costing him. Riley didn’t lose. It wasn’t in his nature.

  “No. Yes. I don’t know, I guess.” I laughed, feeling free for the first time since December. “I can’t be with you because I can never trust another word that comes out of your mouth, not after what you did to me. Maybe if you had loved Kayla . . .” That thought spun around my brain, blurring it. “Did you? Love her?”

  “No. She was just . . . there. Convenient.”

  I concentrated on the drops of condensation that formed on the outside of my root beer. “I thought that would make it better,” I shook my head. “But it doesn’t. It just means you traded what we spent years building for sex. Just sex. I can’t be in a relationship with someone who values sex over love, especially when I offered you both.”

  Silence stretched between us. It wasn’t awkward as much as it was final.

  “I can’t give up on you, Ember. I’ve never pictured my life without you.” He reached across the table for my hand, but I pulled it back into my lap.

  “It’s time to start. You’re going to do amazing things with your life; I know that much about you. But I won’t be a part of any of it.”

  He picked up our empty plates and tossed them into the trash can behind the table before turning back around for me. “I’d gone through this a hundred times. I pictured you hitting me, cursing at me, crying, and every time, I convinced you how much I loved you and won you back.” He lifted his arms out, palms up. “What I did to you was selfish, and wrong, and . . . fucking awful. I can’t make up for it.”

  Part of me wanted to feel moved by his honesty, but instead, there was only a lingering sadness in my heart for what we had lost, and what he hadn’t given up on yet. Asshole or not, I’d loved Riley for three years, and it wasn’t easy to see him hurt, even if he’d been the one to destroy us. I walked into his open arms and tucked my head against his shoulder, where it had always fit. “You can’t make up for it, Riley. Not now, not ever.”

  His arms closed against me, enveloping me in the smell of his familiar cologne, and the embrace I’d always thought would hold me for the rest of my life. “Can we be friends?”

  “I don’t know. Not now, it’s too much.”

  He pulled my face back gently, looking into my eyes like it was the last time he’d see me. “I’m going to miss you so damn much.”

  “I know the feeling.” I gave a half smile and dropped my eyes, ready to step away when I looked over his shoulder.

  Josh stood in the middle of the walkway like he had paused midstride. His look of surprise quickly fell as he shook his head at me. His jaw clenched, his eyes narrowed, and he turned on his heel, disappearing back into crowd.

  “Josh,” I whispered, pulling away from Riley at a dead run. I slammed into the crowd, unable to get past the hungry spectators milling about, like I was fighting against the tide. I know what that embrace had looked like, but it couldn’t be further from the truth. I had to make him see, to understand.

  I only wanted him.

  Like my emergency brake had been thrown, I jarred to a dead stop while people pushed past all around me. Oh shit. I wanted Josh. Not just as a distraction, but as mine. I’d fought so long and hard against it because I knew what kind of guy he was, the kind that slept with every girl in the near vicinity. But that wasn’t who he was with me.

  He’d been so good to me. Over and over again I’d been a raging, slightly psychotic whack-job, and he’d stuck by me. Except for now, when he was walking away.

  The loudspeaker barked the announcement of the next period, and I knew I’d have to catch him after the game. I backtracked to our section and headed down the stairs. The boys were already on the ice, ready to rock it.

  Riley stood so I could slide past him into my seat. “He’s not good for you,” he whispered after we both sat.

  “You don’t know anything about him, and you don’t get a say. Besides, you weren’t good for me, either.” I could remain peaceful with Riley as long as he didn’t attack Josh. My line was drawn there.

  “Please be careful. The guy still has a reputation up in Boulder, and he left three years ago.”

  “Reputations aren’t exactly all they’re cracked up to be. Yours was pretty stellar, remember?”

  He sighed, and I knew the conversation was over.

  At the second period, the score tied up.

  The boys played hard that last period, but when it came down to the wire, they were beaten three to two. There would be no league championships for them this year.

  By the time we got to the locker room to pick up Gus, Josh was gone.

  Guess he got tired of waiting.

  Chapter Seventeen

  The World Arena felt a lot different a few hours later as Sam and I showed our tickets to the night doormen and had our purses checked for contraband. Gone were the hockey moms and dads, the fussy little brothers and sisters, and the general camaraderie that filled pee-wee hockey. Oh no, this was college hockey.

  Raucous laughter and noise filled the promenade in a mix of CU Springs blue and gold, and Air Force Academy blue and white. Nothing like a little hometown action to bring out the crowds. “I could totally score a hot cadet!” Sam announced as she raked her eyes up an unsuspecting Air Force Academy cadet ahead of us in the popcorn line.

  “Keep it in your pants, Sam. Not sure about you, but I have no desire to live the life our moms do.�
� Or did, rather. “There’s zero chance in hell I’d chase after a military guy.”

  She cocked her head to the side as if deliberating. “Maybe you’re right.” She turned around with our popcorn as she caught the eye of another cadet, shamelessly flirting. “Then again, I wouldn’t mind a piece of that.”

  He tipped his hat at her with a wide grin, and I pulled her toward our entry. “Don’t. All that comes out of that are knocks on your front door. Not worth it.”

  She stopped me at the entrance to our section and grasped both my shoulders. “Ember, it doesn’t always end like it did for your dad. And don’t tell me your mom wouldn’t say it wasn’t worth it. You can’t think like that.”

  But I did. I turned my head away, thankful it wasn’t a choice I had to make. “Let’s just find our seats.”

  We made it down the stairs just in time for the puck drop, then slid past a few annoyed spectators before we found our seats, which were awesome, and totally unaffordable. “Sam, where did you get these tickets?” We were on the blue line, right on the ice.

  “Jagger. He said he had a few, and I was more than happy to take them from him.”

  “He seems like a pretty good guy.”

  A wicked smile came across her face. “I don’t know. I mean, he’s not as dangerous to a girl’s heart as Josh, but something tells me Jagger is a bad little boy in his own right.”

  “Josh isn’t dangerous!” I tossed a piece of my popcorn at her.

  She gave me a look, accusing me of insanity. “Josh Walker is most certainly dangerous to every single female around him—except for you, that is.”

  If she only had a freaking clue. “He is a huge danger to me. Just not in the way you think.” My eyes locked onto his frame skating forward with the puck into AFA territory. “What if I decided he’s worth the risk?” I asked softly.

  “Seriously?” Her smile could have lit the arena. “I think that’s the best idea you’ve had in, like . . . ever!”

  Giddy excitement raced through me, and in that moment, it was like we were back in freshman year of high school, gossiping about hot boys and skipping class so I could watch Josh Walker play. Except now I knew what his kiss tasted like, what his hands on my body felt like, and I wanted more.

  With Josh, I always wanted more.

  Watching him on the ice was hypnotizing. I lost my thoughts in the glide of his skates, the turns and switches. Ten minutes of the game passed, and I barely noticed, entranced by his sheer determination, drawn into everything about him. He was relentless, pushing through the defensemen to shoot and SCORE!

  We were up out of our seats, yelling and cheering as he lit the lamp and was engulfed by his teammates. “Goal scored by senior forward Josh Walker at eleven minutes twenty-three seconds.” The announcer brought out another wave of cheers.

  The crowd died back down enough for me to hear the two girls sitting right behind us. “He’s so fucking hot.”

  “I know right? I wonder if we can catch him after the game.”

  Ah, yes, puck bunnies. I laughed out loud. He may have been just a hot hockey player to them, but he was so much more to me. They could sleep with him, hell, maybe they already had, but something told me I had more of him than they ever would, and that was without the sex.

  Sam giggled, and I knew she’d heard them. Not that they were being overly discreet. A quick glance behind me showed what I already knew: it was Tweedledee and Tweedledum, and they both had his number painted on their cheeks. Then again, I couldn’t get too judgmental. After all, I was trying to catch him after the game, too.

  Josh scored one more goal in the third period, and the Mountain Lions won, three to one. From the look of the hugging melee when the final buzzer sounded, he’d be in a good mood. Sam pulled me up the stairs before the puck bunnies could make it out. “You need a head start!” she called over her shoulder with a laugh.

  Give Sam a good pursuit of a guy, and she became a female 007, ready to seek and destroy.

  We made it up to the promenade as it was filling. “Sam, can I catch you at home?”

  She hugged me close with a little more exuberance than usual. “As long as you’re catching Josh Walker!”

  I pushed her away with a laugh. What, was I sixteen again? Because it sure as hell felt like it. “I’ll see you later!” With a wave, I ran across the promenade and down the stairs to the locker room entry. There were benefits to my little brother playing hockey in the same arena I was stalking a guy in.

  I slipped out the west doors and huddled my jacket to me against the February chill. The path was well lit to the locker room entrance as I hurried along the back side of the arena.

  I fell in with a small group of mostly girl fans as we bottlenecked at the door. Guess I wasn’t the only one with this idea. We filed into the hallway, and I snagged one of the only bare spots against the wall. Girls pulled out compacts, checking their makeup or applying more as they giggled about what party would be hot that night, and who had dibs on which player. Josh’s name was called out more than once.

  Holy shit. I was hanging out with groupies.

  To affirm my guess, Tweedledee and Tweedledum sauntered in and brazenly approached the pimple-faced security guard to attempt to get into the locker room. Although it appeared he highly enjoyed their attempts, he stood his ground.

  Atta boy.

  Heads turned as the locker room door opened and the first players emerged. Cheers echoed through the hallway, reverberating off the painted cinder block walls. Once those players made it down the hallway, bags of gear slung over their shoulders and a girl on their arm, the others filed out.

  It felt like the entire team exited before Josh made his appearance. He nodded to the security guard with a smile and zipped up his black Columbia coat before turning toward us. His hair was damp from a shower, and he rubbed his hands over it with a look so broken I nearly lost it. A quick shake of his head, and a fake smile appeared on his face. The two puck bunnies raced forward, and Josh held out his arms, making room for them under each.

  He was certainly no stranger to female adoration.

  For a split second I debated running, just taking off and saying to hell with this plan. He looked happy enough, right? He would never lack for a girlfriend; it’s not like not having me was killing him. Yeah. I would just leave.

  My grip tightened on the strap of my purse, and I glanced up at him one more time before escape. He was looking at the floor, laughing with the girls as he came down the hallway, but the smile faltered, and I saw it again, the broken part of him that I somehow knew I was responsible for. I had to try to fix it.

  “Josh.” I stepped out and said his name so softly I barely heard it over the noise in the hallway.

  His head snapped up like he’d been struck. “Ember?” Everything I needed to know was in the curt snap of his voice. Instead of the smile I longed for, his eyes narrowed in suspicion. “What are you doing here?”

  I looked at the Tweedle twins, who both threw me mocking smiles. “Can I have a minute?”

  He blasted that fake smile at me, which hurt more than anything he could have said. “Not sure.” He kissed one of the puck bunnies on the cheek. “What do you think, ladies? Should we bring Ember along to the party?”

  Heather took a peek at my casual jeans, vest, and Henley, compared to her short skirt and shorter neckline, and giggled. “Why not? She looks like she needs to loosen up.”

  Josh shrugged. “Come on, if you can keep up, Ember.”

  He walked right past me, assuming I’d follow in his wake. Mean, spiteful comments crept up my throat, itching to worm their way across my tongue and out of my mouth, but I choked them back down. Whether or not he was being an ass, it was my fault. I owed him an explanation. He owed me a chance to explain. Right?

  The girls giggled as he opened the doors to his Jeep. Tweedledee jumped in the back, and Tweedledum took the passenger side, leaving me behind Josh. He reached in and lifted up his seat. “After you.”


  “Josh, really, I just need a minute.” I looked up into those brown eyes and almost forgot what I needed the minute for.

  He caged me between his arms, pressing me against the back quarter of the Jeep. “Really? I can think of a lot to do in a minute, Ember. Then again, I bet Riley wouldn’t like to know what I’d be doing with you, would he?”

  “That’s what I’m trying to talk to you about.” It took everything in me not to kiss him, to pull his face to mine and make him see. If he’d been irresistible when I was determined to stay away, what would he be like now that I was ready to jump?

  He brushed his cheek against mine, his breath tickling my ear, so much warmer than the air. “Maybe I’m not quite ready to hear about how fucking perfect Riley is, and how you’ve forgiven him and worked it all out.”

  “Josh—”

  He placed two fingers across my lips, silencing me. “You want to talk? Fine. I’ll give you five minutes once I have enough alcohol in my system to hear it. You want it? Get in.”

  Our eyes were locked in a silent, heated battle. “Fine.”

  He gestured with his hand toward the open door. “Your chariot awaits.”

  I swallowed the sarcastic remark that lingered on the edge of my tongue, took the hand he offered, and climbed into the Jeep. He leaned over me, fastening the buckle just like he had the night I’d found Riley with Kayla. I couldn’t fight off my need to touch him and brushed my hand along the bare skin of his neck. He jerked back with a hiss like I’d burned him. His eyes flashed to mine for an instant before he shut my door.

  If I still had that kind of effect on him, I had a chance.

  Once his gear was stored in the back, he climbed in, and we started the drive up to campus. Catching his reflection in the rearview mirror, I gave myself time to soak him in. His concentration on the road was fierce, but the way he worried his bottom lip between his teeth told me there was more on his mind than traffic. God, I wanted to steal that lip away from those teeth and kiss it free.

  When we stopped at a red light a few minutes away from campus, we locked eyes in the mirror. Electricity passed between us, threatening to turn me to ash. Would it always be like this with him? Would this infatuation wear off? Something told me no, and that was scarier than the thought that one day we’d be complacent. If we ever reached a “one day.”