Full Measures

by Rebecca Yarros

  He took it from me and rolled it over his length, protecting us both. Then his mouth was on my breasts, and his fingers stroked into my folds, bringing the fire to a raging inferno. He knew just where to touch, just where to give, just where to take away. As he licked and sucked at my nipples, my head thrashed, my body reaching for his fingers as he slid them slowly inside me. Everything in me coiled tight, drawing inward until the pressure became unbearable. “Josh!” I screamed out as I came, my back arching off the bed.

  As I drifted down from the high, he angled above me, bracing his weight on his arms. “Gorgeous, Ember. I could make you come every hour of every day just to see your face when you climax.”

  I stretched my arms above my head, feeling warmed up like a purring engine. I ran my fingers down the smooth expanse of muscle and skin on his back until I gripped his ass and pulled him against me.

  His breath left in a gush as his erection stroked me, but he still didn’t move, just kept staring into my eyes like he was waiting for me to retreat, to put a halt to this. “Josh . . .” I swiveled my hips until he nudged my entrance. My moment of naïve fear of his size lasted all of a second before I remembered he would never hurt me.

  Every muscle in his body was rigid with the effort it took to maintain his control, but he still didn’t move.

  I slid my body up, taking him inside me not even an inch.

  He squeezed his eyes shut for a moment, and when he opened them, they were so dark I couldn’t tell iris from pupil. “You’re mine.”

  I was panting, desperate to get him inside me. “Yes,” I promised.

  His jaw clenched. “Tell me you want this, that you won’t regret it tomorrow. I’m not taking your virginity if you’re not sure.”

  “Please, Josh. I’m yours. I’ve been yours since I was fifteen. I want this, I want you. I love you.” I pulled on his neck, bringing him down to me, and thrust my tongue into his mouth at the same time he brought his body into mine. He swallowed my gasp.

  He laid his forehead against mine, a fine sheen of perspiration covering his skin, making him glow. Any sting I felt dissolved after a few seconds, and I wiggled my hips. “Don’t. Move. Jesus, December. You’re so fucking tight, perfect.”

  I gently bit into his lower lip. “Because you were made for me.”

  “I love you,” he whispered, as though the confession had been ripped from him.

  Thank you, God. Everything in my world fell into exquisite alignment. “And I love you,” I answered.

  Something in him broke free, and with a primitive sound, he began to move, stroking my body with his in equal, measured thrusts, angling my hips just right so he pushed within me exactly where I needed him to. This. Was. Amazing. Pleasure radiated through me as I brought my hips against him by instinct, meeting him as he slid into me again and again.

  He kissed me as he thrust, claiming my mouth the same way he was claiming my body: fully, completely, with no extra inch or give. There was not one part of me that didn’t belong to him. I vaguely wondered if he’d always own me like this.

  He reached between our bodies and stroked me to insanity. A few moments, and I was spinning out of control. “More! Yes!” I demanded in a voice I didn’t recognize as my own. He grasped my hips in his hands and pushed deeper, harder, pounding into me without control, and I reveled in it.

  My orgasm slammed into me, splintering me into tiny pieces just to further rip me apart and put me back together in a glorious moment of release. I called out his name and opened my eyes to see his face contort beautifully as he climaxed. “December,” he whispered in a strangled cry. Then he collapsed on top of me, his weight deliciously oppressive. I could barely breathe, and I wouldn’t have wanted to.

  He raised his head and kissed me tenderly. “You okay?” His brows puckered. “I didn’t mean to lose it like that.”

  “You’re unbelievable.”

  Now he smiled, and my heart flipped in my chest. “We’re unbelievable together. I’ve never felt that before. You stripped my soul clean.”

  I smoothed the lines of his forehead with my thumb and teased him. “Since I have nothing to compare it to, I guess it will have to do. I mean, all first times are awkward right?” An impish grin spread across my face. “Besides, I’m sure you’ll do better for round two.”

  He raised his eyebrows at me before claiming my mouth in a kiss. “Smart ass! Round two it is!” My laughter didn’t last past his mouth trailing down my stomach. Perfect.

  Chapter Twenty-One

  Sunlight streamed in through the windows when I peeled open my eyes. The bed next to me was empty. A single calla lily rested on Josh’s pillow with a note propped up on its stem. I smiled as I stretched, luxuriating in the delicious soreness of my body.

  So that was what everyone raved about. Why had I waited twenty years for that? His scent still clung to the sheets, and that was my answer. Because Josh was the one I was waiting for.

  Josh, who loved me.

  Happiness flowed through my veins, and I reached for the lily and brought it to my nose. No roses or daisies; Josh didn’t do anything typical. I unfolded the note.

  Good morning my gorgeous December,

  I wish I could be here to wake you up the same way I put you to sleep, but you looked too peaceful to wake. I had to leave town, but I’ll see you as soon as I’m back tomorrow night. Sleep as long as you like, I love knowing you’re in my bed. Thank you for the best night of my life.

  I love you,

  Josh

  It had been the best night of my life, too. I felt free for the first time in years, free and empowered, like the choices I made were mine, and right, and for the right reasons.

  I rolled into his pillow, pulled the soft sheets to my face, and breathed him in. I couldn’t see him until tomorrow night. Not exactly the morning-after glow I was hoping for, but it must have been important for him to leave so quickly.

  I found my bra, pants, shirt, and located my pink panties hanging on the corner of his dresser like I had won Where’s Waldo. The memory of him taking them off was enough to set my skin aflame again. I made his bed and tossed the clothes he’d left on both sides of the bed into the hamper by his door.

  Then I shamelessly scoped out the pictures he had framed on the wall opposite his bed. There was one of his motorcycle, matted and framed like a piece of art. The majority were hockey, starting with one from when he looked barely old enough to walk and with a woman who I assumed was his mom, all the way through to the team picture from this year. He had played all of his life.

  He hadn’t let getting shot keep him down, though he still wasn’t ready to discuss it. He was stronger than a gunshot. Even if it had killed his dream, he still found a way to live it. I smiled when I caught the picture of Gus’s team, Josh standing by as a proud coach. He didn’t just lick his wounds and go with half a heart, he found a way to give back, to bring up the next generation if he couldn’t star in this one.

  There was a picture of him perched on the side of a hospital bed, his arms wrapped around a delicate, beautiful woman with striking features that mirrored a few of his own. She had to be his mother. Love radiated from his face, almost as exquisite as the bare skin of his head that matched his mother’s. I swallowed back the lump in my throat. He must have shaved his head when she’d lost her hair from treatment. Could this guy be any more freaking perfect? He’d transferred colleges to be with his mother. That was why he understood how much my family meant to me, what I was willing to go through for them; he felt the same about his.

  My eyes drifted back toward the high school years, and I gasped when I saw it. It was the picture that ran on the front of the sports section, the one I had pinned on my bedroom wall. I pulled the frame off the wall and couldn’t contain my smile. It was from the school assembly after they’d won state. Everything about that assembly lingered in my mind, from the sheer noise of the gym to Josh’s ecstatic face as he carried the trophy high above his head.

  The picture ca
ptured that moment in perfection, from the deep maroon of his uniform to the blissful look on his profiled face with the trophy hoisted. He was beautiful, dangerous, and young, exactly how I remembered him. But even as gorgeous as that picture was, the high school version of Josh couldn’t hold a candle to the one I loved now. Now his beauty and danger were tempered with maturity, which made him all the more amazing.

  I lingered over the lines of his face, joy and pride emanating from him. I’d studied this picture so often and always found something I hadn’t seen before. I loved that he wasn’t just happy, there was something deeper there, a longing. I loved that we both had the same picture on our walls. I loved him.

  But this wasn’t the same version the paper had printed. That one had been cropped, apparently. I caught the details behind him now, the ones left off the print I had. In this picture, the crowd of students was visible behind him in beautiful detail. I had always wondered what he had been staring at, longing for. I traced my finger over the glass, following his line of sight.

  It was me.

  I was sitting next to Sam, laughing at something she said, and Josh’s eyes were focused on me. Everything in me melted. He had noticed me, and after last night, I knew that look. He wanted me. I may have been gangly, awkward, and fifteen, but Josh Walker noticed me. I shook my head and smiled to myself as I rehung the picture. I’d definitely need this version.

  I closed Josh’s door quietly and breathed a sigh of relief when I saw my purse on the kitchen cabinet. I grabbed it from the counter and almost made it out the door.

  “Walk of shame?” Jagger joked from his bedroom door.

  My skin flushed hot, but I threw him a jaunty salute. “Jagger.”

  He laughed, his head thrown back in abandonment. Yeah, I could see why the girls went for him. He screamed reckless in a way that caught the eye. Just not my eye. “Ember, you have nothing to be ashamed of. Josh is fucking crazy over you.”

  Joy beat through my embarrassment. “I’m pretty crazy about him, too. Where did he skip off to this morning?”

  Jagger’s face dropped all expression for the barest of moments, but I caught it before a smooth smile took its place. “Scholarship stuff.”

  “Scholarship stuff? What do you mean?”

  His eyes fell away, and my stomach went with them. “It’s just something he has to do for his scholarship. He’ll be home tomorrow.”

  What could Josh be doing that Jagger wouldn’t want to tell me about? “Right,” I muttered absentmindedly and turned for the door. My feet caught a stray bag of hockey gear, nearly sending me tumbling to the ground. Thankfully, I caught myself. Hockey gear. “Wait. Don’t you have a game tonight?”

  He reached over and pulled the bag out of my way. “Yeah.”

  “Josh is missing a game? That’s not like him. Why would he miss a game?”

  Jagger cleared his throat. “Coach is fine with it. He knows how Josh’s scholarship works.”

  “But why would he miss a game if he’s on a hockey scholarship?” Nothing made sense, and the way Jagger purposely dodged my questions didn’t make me feel any better.

  He closed off his expression and stepped back, cracking his neck in a stretch. “Yeah, so anyway, Josh will be back tomorrow night. I know he’ll be dying to see you. He really cares about you, Ember. I’ve never seen him like this, not with any girl.”

  I melted. Was I really going to let whatever was going on with Josh’s scholarship kill my morning-after buzz? Hell no. If something was wrong, he’d tell me. Just don’t let him be injured. There was no way he’d take it if they took him off the ice for an injury. Was his leg more hurt than he let on? I’d have to ask him tomorrow night.

  “Thanks for not making this all awkward, Jagger.” He gave me a smile and a wave. I waved back and let myself out of the apartment, turning to mine. I reached into my purse for my keys. Shit. Sam drove my car home last night. Right. I knocked on the door, and she answered a few minutes later.

  “Wow. You look . . .” There were simply no words for Sam’s appearance. Or smell.

  “Don’t even. You went home with Josh-freaking-Walker and I decided, after I got home, alone, that I was going back out to have a good time. No lectures, I took a cab.” She waddled like a penguin back to the darkened living room. I smiled at the drawn curtains.

  “Medicate and hydrate?” I tossed my purse onto the counter.

  She saluted me with a Dasani and nodded to the bottle of Excedrin next to her. “Besides, I may look like crap, but at least I’m not wearing what I went out in last night.” She wiggled her eyebrows at me. “So dish, because if you spent the night in Josh’s bed, I want freaking details.”

  I threw up my index finger at her and slid into my bedroom, tossing yesterday’s clothes into the hamper and pulling on comfy pj pants and a tank. From the looks of Sam, we weren’t going anywhere today.

  The chair made a whooshing sound as I plopped my full weight into it, throwing my legs over the arm. “Yes. I spent the night with Josh.”

  Sam squealed and then grimaced, pushing her fingers into her temple. “Stupid tequila. Is he as yummy in bed as he looks?”

  The smile that spread across my face may as well have been its own entity for all that I couldn’t contain it. “He is perfect. Everything.”

  “I’m so freaking jealous!”

  I laughed. “I just can’t believe it happened, you know? I mean, Josh! He makes me forget everything. I don’t need a schedule with him, or a plan, and things can be insane, and wonderful, and out of control because I know he’s not going to let me fall.” The words tumbled so quickly from my lips, but Sam interpreted my rant with a gleeful laugh.

  “You love him!” She clapped her hands together with a smile that lit the room. “You trust him, and for once you’re not molding yourself into whatever some guy wants.”

  That sweet feeling hit my heart again, like it was reminding me it belonged to Josh. “I don’t have to be anyone else. He loves me, and I love him.”

  She jumped across the coffee table, scattering magazines to the floor, and lunged at me in a bear hug. “I’m so happy for you!”

  “I’m happy for me, too!”

  We collapsed into a fit of giggles for a moment before Sam winced. “Ugh. My head. Let’s talk about your new love life in soft tones the rest of the day. I want to know how that body of his stacks up.”

  My neck was crimped when a knock on the door sounded. I threw my history book on the table. So much for getting studying done; I’d fallen asleep with the book on my lap. The clock read 4:45 p.m. Sam was racked out on the couch with a Diva-embroidered sleeping mask, sleeping off her hangover. She’d be screwed if she wasn’t recovered by tomorrow morning. Those kids she tutored in math Sunday afternoons could be brutal even when she wasn’t hungover.

  I checked the peephole and pulled back. What the heck was Mom doing here? I opened the door, and Gus came flying around her, tackling me with a sticky hug. “Ice cream?” I laughed.

  “I totally ate yours.”

  I ruffled my fingers through his curls. “I’m totally cool with that.”

  Mom looked me up and down. “Late night?”

  I raised an eyebrow. “Afternoon checkups never happened at Boulder.”

  She bowed her head with a smile. “Touché.”

  I motioned her inside, and she stepped in, dressed, hair and makeup done. She was healing. “It’s nice,” she said, her eyes sweeping over our apartment.

  “Thanks, Mom.”

  “Mrs. Howard,” Sam mumbled as she sat up.

  “There’s your late night,” I whispered at my mother.

  Mom laughed quietly. “Her mother would definitely not approve.”

  “Here’s the deal, Mom.” I crossed to the refrigerator, pulled out a Sprite, and pushed it toward Gus. “You show up on the weekend, you keep the secrets.”

  “Deal.” She fidgeted with her phone. “I have an appointment for your sister. Do you think Gus could stay with you for a coup
le hours?”

  “An appointment on a Saturday?”

  “We thought it best that she start seeing someone, especially after I found those credit card bills you paid off while I wasn’t quite myself.”

  I cringed. “I didn’t know how to tell you.”

  “You did just fine. Better than I could have ever dreamed. I confiscated everything she bought. She’s buying it back a bit at a time, and seeing the psychologist is part of that. It wouldn’t hurt you to, either, you know.” She forced a smile, like she hadn’t just suggested I go to therapy.

  I blatantly ignored her and turned to see Gus staring at Sam’s glittery eye mask. “Gus, you want to hang with me for a bit?”

  “Yeah!”

  “He’s cool, Mom. Sam, there’s no point trying to sleep. He’ll start poking at you in five minutes.”

  “Rawr!” she growled at Gus and pulled him down, locking her arms around him as he struggled playfully to get away.

  “Thank you, Ember.”

  “No problem. That’s why I moved back here, Mom. To help out.”

  Her cool hand stroked down my face like I was five again, and the light caught the diamond of her wedding set. “I want you to live your life, too.”

  I thought of Josh, and the way he’d worshipped my body last night. Mom would die if she knew. “I am. Don’t worry so much about me.”

  “I never have to worry about you. You’re more put together than half the population. Gus! I’ll be back in two hours. Don’t you dare act up.”

  “Bye!” he managed through his laughter.

  Mom gave me a hug and headed out the door.

  I snagged Gus out of Sam’s arms. “Sam, if you’re going to attack my baby brother, you at least have to smell decent. Shower. Now. Before child protective services gets called on us.”

  She flipped me the middle finger when Gus ran into my room and went for the shower.

  “Can we watch this?” He held up a DVD of a horribly gory movie he took from the bookcase in my bedroom.

  “Nope.”

  He grabbed the envelope from the top, and his expression puckered. “You haven’t read Dad’s letter yet?”