Jacob Wonderbar for President of the Universe

by Nathan Bransford

  “Hey, so…” Jacob said. “Could I speak to Sarah alone?”

  Catalina whipped her head around and stared at Sarah for a moment, before she laughed and said, “Of course, darling. Whatever you need.”

  Dexter led the monkeys out, Catalina followed the monkeys, and some of the Planet Royale servants who had been making sure Jacob had everything he needed quietly slipped away as well.

  Jacob was alone with Sarah, and he tried to get the courage to say what he needed to say.

  “Jake,” Sarah said. “Whatever you want to say… If this is about your dad—”

  “I don’t know if I want to win,” Jacob blurted out.

  He couldn’t look her in the eye. The entire Planet Earth needed him to win. There were crazy SEERs out there who wanted nothing more than to blow up his planet, and Mick Cracken cared too much about being president to stop them. His friends were counting on him, and the fate of the entire planet was resting on his shoulders. And instead he was thinking about playing sports and hanging out with his friends and… being a kid.

  “I got so wrapped up in it,” Jacob said quickly. “I mean, the king wanted me to run. The king. How could I say no to that? And Earth… I know I have to win, but I just can’t shake the feeling that I don’t know if I want to. It’s just too much. Maybe Dexter was right. Maybe I’m not presidential material.”

  Sarah reached out and grabbed his hand. And unlike their conversation over the Telly a week ago, this time their hands really touched. He felt the warmth of her palm and knew she was really, truly there.

  “Jake, whatever happens, we’ll support you. We’ll still be your friends. Me and Dexter. You know that, right? Even… Miss Twinkle Toes,” she said with great effort. “We’re here for you. And you know, the king sort of said you’re not even supposed to want to win.”

  Jacob was so glad she was back with him. And as he saw how fragile Sarah looked, her eyes worried and her lips pressed, it occurred to him how hard the last few days had to have been for her too, with the entire universe suddenly deciding they didn’t like her just because she said something she didn’t even mean. And yet even with all that going on, Sarah was still trying to make him feel better.

  “Sarah, I’m sorry about everything. That whole ‘A’ thing was so stupid. You didn’t deserve that.”

  Sarah shrugged. “Yeah. It was stupid. But sometimes bad things happen, Jake, and you can spend your time worrying about them or you can just try and make sure the next day is better than the last one.”

  Jacob nodded. Whatever happened in the election, he knew he could handle it. Whether he was in charge of the universe or just another kid living on a boring street, deep down he knew he would still be the same person, only better off for having tried for this one big thing.

  He wished they could go home, so he could be with his mom while everyone voted and so he could sleep in his own bed, but he knew it wouldn’t be practical to get all the way back through the space kapow detour, and who knows what the Valkyrians still had planned for him. He had to spend at least one more day in outer space, and then if he won, he had to get ready for the entire universe to be his responsibility. He couldn’t go home to Earth.

  But he suddenly thought of the next best thing.

  On the day of the vote that would decide the fate of the first presidential election in Astral history, Jacob Wonderbar felt squishy dirt under his feet, couldn’t see anything exciting on the horizon, and had never felt so glad to smell burp breath in his entire life.

  He wasn’t home, but at least he was on Numonia.

  The monkeys weren’t sure how they felt about the lack of gravity, but soon took to engaging in ever-more-spectacular wrestling matches. Dexter picked up a clump of Numonia space dust and hurled it at Rufus, which introduced an entirely new weapon into space monkey warfare. Princess Catalina stepped daintily around and tried to lock a smile on her face and be a good sport.

  Jacob just wanted to introduce Sarah Daisy to Moonman and Stargirl.

  “They’re just…” Jacob said. “Well… I probably can’t do them justice, I’d—”

  They heard a whoop, and for a brief moment Jacob saw Moonman and Stargirl illuminated against the ever-so-brief Numonian sunset, their large bodies conveying pure joy. Then night came and they were plunged into darkness.

  “It’s them!”

  He ran in their direction, and caught up to them just as they were awakening from their thirty-second slumber.

  Stargirl grabbed Jacob into a powerful and long hug, and he felt so happy to be with them. She held him by the shoulders and Jacob saw tears of happiness in her eyes.

  “I told Moonman you’d come back,” Stargirl wept. “I knew you would, Jacob. I just knew it.”

  “I’m so glad to be here,” Jacob said, and he really meant it. They were so nice and they cared about him so much, and all he wanted to do was show Sarah how amazing they were.

  “Now hold on there,” Moonman said, noticing Sarah. “We haven’t met this lovely young lady.”

  Jacob said with pride, “Moonman, Stargirl, I’d like you to meet—”

  Just then the sun set behind the horizon, Numonia was plunged into darkness, and Moonman and Stargirl fell fast asleep.

  Jacob laughed and said, “Yeah, this happens.”

  “They seem so nice,” Sarah said.

  Jacob nodded. “They really are.”

  Jacob smiled at Sarah in the Numonian darkness, but he wasn’t sure if she saw it. They waited patiently until Moonman and Stargirl awoke, then Jacob was finally able to introduce Sarah.

  “Any friend of Jacob Wonderbar’s is a friend of ours,” Moonman said proudly. “And I suspect you’re going to like it here.”

  After they had eaten a Numonian feast, during which even Jacob was able to slowly choke down some morsels of Numonian space dust, they all filed over to the spaceship Swift, where the Numonians had created a makeshift voting booth hidden away by a mound of Numonian dust.

  “Not that we need any privacy,” Moonman said, puffing out his chest and slapping Jacob on the back. “We all know who is going to win on this planet.”

  When Jacob faced the presidential voting buttons, he stared at his name, knowing that on that very day many billions of Astrals were all looking at his name on a button too. All the campaigning, all the speeches, all the interviews, it all came down to a bunch of people pushing a button with either his or Mick Cracken’s name.

  Jacob braced himself and said, “Conference” to his Telly and suddenly he was surrounded by reporters shouting his name and taking pictures. One last photo shoot as Candidate Wonderbar.

  Jacob pushed the voting button. It registered, and he had cast one more vote for saving Earth.

  He gave a confident thumbs-up to the reporters, made sure they got some good footage, and then said, “End conference.” He was alone again.

  Jacob tuned in on his Telly and watched the coverage as people voted all around the galaxy. There were polling stations in trees, in bus stops, on construction sites, and atop skyscrapers. Everyone was voting, even kids Jacob’s age, and they did it with a sense of purpose, seeming to know that even if any one person probably wasn’t casting the vote that was going to decide everything, they were doing something important together. They were choosing their leader, rather than just following whoever was next in the Crackenarium family tree.

  And even as Moonman and Stargirl and old man Bartholomew and the other Numonians fell asleep every thirty seconds during the coverage, they all huddled in front of a screen on the spaceship Swift and watched the final results.

  On Planet Royale, amid a great fanfare of trumpets blaring, colorful birds flying, and a giant new tapestry swinging down from the ceiling to commemorate the election, they saw the king of everything step up to a dais and begin to speak. Moonman told everyone to hush, then fell asleep and started snoring.

  “For the first time in their history, Astrals have chosen their own leader,” the king said. “The first Astra
l leader was Father Albert, my many-many-times-great-grandfather, who led our people into the stars. And now, for the first time in our storied history, Astrals will decide for themselves who will lead them to a safe and prosperous future.”

  Jacob’s heart was pounding. It was time for the results. He only had one thought. President of the universe or nothing. President of the universe or nothing.

  “The votes have been counted. The will of the Astrals has been written.”

  Jacob closed his eyes. President of the universe or nothing. President of the universe or nothing.

  “You have chosen your leader.”

  President of the universe or nothing. President of the universe or nothing.

  “And it gives me a great deal of pleasure to announce… that Mick Cracken will be the first president of the universe!”

  Jacob let the news wash over him. He had to replay the moment in his mind several times to be sure he had heard correctly, and every time he played it back in his head, he heard the king say Mick’s name.

  President of the universe or nothing. President of the universe or nothing.

  Jacob wasn’t president.

  But he didn’t feel like nothing.

  The planet of Numonia was completely silent once Moonman shut off the old-fashioned video screen. Jacob was so worried about Earth and what losing meant for his home planet that it took him a little while to notice everyone darting their eyes at him to see how he was reacting. Not actually staring, but finding things on the other side of the wall that attracted their attention and ever so briefly flickering their eyes over him to see how he was taking the loss.

  He didn’t want or need their sympathy. It somehow made it worse to think that everyone felt sorry for him. Their pity itself was a constant reminder that he hadn’t succeeded and that they knew exactly how bad he felt. Even if the attention was very kind, he wanted things to just go back to normal. He was far less devastated than he thought he would have been.

  Yes, it was bad, it was embarrassing and difficult to lose, but he would get through it.

  He was still Jacob Wonderbar.

  Jacob stood up quickly. “Everyone, I’m fine. I really am. I mean it.”

  He looked around the room and could feel everyone’s disbelief.

  “Guys!” he shouted, and everyone snapped to life. “It’s okay, I’m just—”

  But he couldn’t finish the sentence.

  He knew he would be fine. He had run an incredible campaign, one that he would be proud of forever.

  Except for one thing, one crucial thing, which he felt slipping away yet again.

  Jacob turned away from his friends and walked out of the spaceship Swift and into the Numonian night. He stared at the electric glow of his Telly.

  He knew he’d probably never again be as famous as he was at that moment. His name had been on every news program and part of nearly every topic of conversation, everywhere in the galaxy. Everyone had known who he was, where he was, and what he was doing throughout the entire election.

  And still his dad had never called. Jacob thought for sure that at some point his dad would finally reach out to him, to tell him he was proud of his campaign or at least to explain why he never showed up after he sent the postcard.

  Jacob was so tired of waiting for a moment that might never come. He would have to call his dad.

  He summoned his courage. It was just a phone call. He stared at his Telly, then said, “Call Dad.”

  He waited for his mind to be transported to wherever his dad was in outer space, someplace where his dad was lost or amid some situation that was somehow preventing him from being a dad. Jacob braced himself for the anger he would feel when his dad picked up, and prepared to scream, “Why do I have to be the one calling you?!”

  But no one picked up. The Telly beeped its failure.

  Jacob tried again, but with the same result. Then he tried one more time. When that didn’t work he screamed and threw his Telly away as hard as he could and sat down in the Numonian dust.

  His dad wasn’t there. As usual.

  He should have been angry. He should have been crying. He should have felt some deep hurt and pain. But he wasn’t feeling any of those things.

  He didn’t need his father.

  And with sudden clarity, he realized that while everyone was busy worrying so much about him and how upset he was and while he had been so focused on his dad, there was something more important he could do to set things right.

  He could still save Planet Earth from getting blown to smithereens.

  Jacob’s plan was in motion when he attended Mick’s inauguration with Sarah, Catalina, Dexter, and the monkeys, whom Dexter somehow persuaded to wear ties for the occasion.

  The ceremony was held on a royal cruise liner, and the events surrounding the swearing in had been carefully planned by the king himself. Mick and the king stood in front of a massive window that looked out into space, the stars bright and impossibly numerous and close, almost as if they were audience members watching the ceremony themselves. Mick wore a black suit with a sparkling silver tie, and the king wore golden robes.

  “The stars have given us our lives,” the king said to the audience, which hushed at the sound of his soft voice. “The stars don’t just watch over us, they give us the energy to grow our food and warm our planets. They allow us to live among them for our brief flicker of life. More than that, they are inside all of us. Many of the atoms that make up our bodies were born in the heart of supernovas. They are a part of us. They guide us, light our way, and give us life.”

  The king gestured to the backdrop of stars through the large window. “And so it is with the stars watching over us that Mick Cracken takes his oath of office as the president of the universe. For he is bound to two authorities alone: the will of the Astral people, and the stars, the givers of life.”

  Mick nodded solemnly, and Jacob was mildly surprised to see him taking things so seriously. Even though Jacob had been trying to focus on his plan and avoid thinking about the fact that he hadn’t won, he couldn’t help but picture himself in Mick’s shoes, with the king swearing him in and giving him the keys to the universe. As much as he had already tried to move on, there was a part of him that still wished he had won.

  “Please raise your right hand,” the king said, and Mick followed his instruction. “Do you swear on the stars to serve the Astral people, to hold their needs foremost, and to abide by their will?”

  Mick said, “I do.”

  As Mick said his first “I do,” Sarah edged closer to Jacob and leaned into him a bit with her shoulder.

  “Do you swear on the stars that you will protect the Astral people from harm and keep them safe from all their enemies, whether from outside our community or from within?”

  Jacob recoiled at this oath, and even Mick paused for a moment after hearing it. Mick turned to face the audience and locked eyes with Jacob. His face was indecipherable, and Jacob wasn’t sure if Mick was thinking of him as an enemy or a friend.

  “I do,” Mick said.

  “And do you swear on the stars that you will work to make the universe a better place, and ensure that human beings are responsible stewards of the space that the stars have given us to live in?”

  “I do,” Mick said.

  “In order to become president, by the rules established by the Election Council you must name a vice president. Whom do you choose?”

  Mick gritted his teeth a little and muttered, “Catalina Penelope Cassandra Crakenarium.”

  The crowd chattered with excitement, and Jacob’s jaw dropped. Mick was naming his sister vice president? Jacob looked over at Catalina and she winked at him.

  The king reached over and picked up a scepter that was resting on a small altar. It had a piercing light at the end that radiated strong bright silver beams, very much like a star. He tapped it on Mick’s shoulders and then handed it to him.

  “Then by the authority of the stars and the Astral people, I hereby a
bdicate all power, give up the throne, and declare Mick Cracken president of the universe!”

  The crowd gave a strong cheer at the pronouncement, and Jacob imagined the billions of people watching throughout the universe. After a moment he joined in and clapped respectfully. Sarah reluctantly clapped too.

  Jacob searched the king’s face for some sign of how he was feeling now that he was no longer a king, for some hint of why he gave up the throne and what his motivation had been.

  And after a moment, Jacob suddenly realized what the king was thinking: He was proud. After nominating Jacob for president, after seeming to favor him and awarding him victory in the third Battle Supreme, the king was instead really, truly, unabashedly proud that his son had won.

  The king didn’t really intend for Jacob to win after all. Jacob thought back to what Dexter had said about why the king had nominated Jacob for president. The king had said, “Because the survival of the Planet Earth depends on it.”

  But that wasn’t the same thing as winning.

  The king had tested Mick and sent his biggest foe to run against him to challenge him, and perhaps taught him some lessons in the process. But as the king cheered on Mick Cracken’s victory and stared at him not as the king but as the father of the president of the universe, Jacob knew that the king had wanted his son Mick to win all along.

  Mick Cracken stood in front of the assembled crowd and basked in the glow of achieving his life’s dream, ready to give his acceptance speech. As Jacob braced himself for what he was sure would be an insufferable bit of oration, he wasn’t sure he had ever seen someone so satisfied, so happy, and so completely full of himself.

  “This,” Mick said, unable to contain his biggest grin. “This is mind-boggling. This is unreal. This is history in the making. This is unprecedented. This is everything I hoped it would be and more. I’m… so incredibly awesome.”