Jacob Wonderbar for President of the Universe

by Nathan Bransford

  He sighed and looked as if he might pass out from joy, but then he grew more serious and raised a finger. “But this isn’t about me,” he said unconvincingly. “No. This is about you, the Astral people, and…”

  There was a gasp and a scream at the back of the crowd. People began shouting, and the lights in the room suddenly dimmed. The crowd parted to allow Patrick and General Gravy to walk to the stage. They seemed to have acquired still more medals and ribbons and were carrying very large blasters. Jacob glanced around as Valkyrian soldiers trained their blasters on the crowd. The monkeys hissed and screeched in displeasure.

  As the entire crowd nervously watched the Gravys to see what they would do, Patrick slowly reached his hand up and snapped his fingers.

  The window that had been showing the canopy of stars turned opaque and images of Earth flashed to life. Jacob recognized pictures of war on Earth, of bombs exploding, men shooting assault rifles, and nuclear missiles being transported on a huge truck. He also caught footage of an Arnold Schwarzenegger action movie mixed in, and he wasn’t sure if the Astrals could really tell the difference.

  “The Earthers are preparing to destroy us,” Patrick Gravy said. “We know their war-like tendencies. It is written in their destinies. Their history has been filled with nothing but war, which has just been practice for the battles they will soon bring to space. They think we’re nothing but aliens.” The crowd gasped at his use of the A-word. “And it is time we Astrals protected ourselves. The day for Earther Rapture has arrived.”

  The window changed to show an image of Earth covered with crosshairs.

  “A promise is a promise, President Cracken,” General Gravy said in his gravelly voice. “Our missiles are ready.”

  Jacob locked eyes with the king, who nodded solemnly.

  Jacob started walking toward the front of the stage. He had known this moment was coming. Everything was happening according to his plan.

  The Gravys trained their blasters on Jacob. Patrick Gravy shouted, “Don’t you dare step up to that microphone!”

  Jacob summoned all of his courage and steadied his nerves as he ignored Patrick and walked to the front of the stage. Patrick fired a shot that hit the lectern, and Jacob forced himself to face death and stand fast. He didn’t think that the Gravys would really shoot him in front of the largest television audience in Astral history, but it didn’t make it any easier to stand his ground. His heart pounded.

  Jacob turned and pointed at the image of Earth.

  “That is my home. That is where my mom lives, where my friends’ families live, and where I go to school. It’s a really nice planet, full of really great people. We’re not perfect, and yes, there are too many wars. But we don’t want to start a war with you. We want to live in peace.”

  “Lies!” Patrick Gravy shouted.

  Jacob snapped his fingers and an image of a puppy filled the screen, followed by a rainbow over a green hill, and then nice-looking people from Earth.

  “If you destroy Planet Earth, my mom will die. My mom.” Jacob tried not to cry at the thought of his mom making a sandwich in the kitchen only to be blown up by crazy Valkyrians. “Lots of moms will die, and dads and friends and grandfathers and grandmothers and… just people. We’re just people.”

  He snapped his fingers again, and the screen showed a corndog.

  “And we eat corndogs too.”

  “Don’t listen to him,” Patrick Gravy said. “That’s what the Earthers want you to think.”

  “You almost elected me president,” Jacob said. “And that means so much to me. Astrals, you know me. I’m half Astral. You can trust me. Don’t do this.”

  There was another commotion in the back of the room, and Officers Bosendorfer and Erard entered with a dozen similarly rotund space officers. They trained their blasters on the Valkyrians, who began yelling at each other to hold their fire.

  Jacob turned to Mick, who was watching the scene unfold with his hands clasped. There was only so much Jacob could do. At the end of the day Mick was president, and Jacob could only hope that he would make the right decision.

  “Your move, Cracken,” Jacob said.

  Mick stepped up to the microphone and tapped his foot. He turned back to look at Earth and then looked out at the crowd, and after a moment Jacob realized he was staring at Sarah Daisy.

  Mick glanced at Jacob and then shook his head slowly. “A promise is a promise,” he said.

  Jacob clenched his fists. He had miscalculated. He should never have trusted Mick Cracken’s better judgment. That conceited space pirate was really going to…

  “And I promised Sarah Daisy that I wouldn’t let Earth be destroyed.”

  Jacob unclenched his hands in relief. Mick grinned at Jacob, gloating that he had tricked him.

  Patrick Gravy gasped. “You promised us that you would let us destroy that stupid planet!”

  Mick shrugged. “She’s prettier than you are.”

  Suddenly Patrick turned and trained his blaster straight at Sarah, who screamed. Jacob dove off the stage and plowed into Patrick, pushing him to the ground. Patrick’s blaster scattered safely away. At that precise moment the monkeys began throwing chairs and campaign paraphernalia at the Valkyrian soldiers. Boris quickly descended on General Gravy and bit his right hand until the general dropped his blaster.

  “Officers Bosendorfer and Erard!” Mick shouted. “Arrest these filthy Valkyrians.”

  “On what charges?!” General Gravy scoffed.

  Mick paused. “Destroying a defenseless moon that wasn’t bothering anyone.”

  “Ha!” General Gravy laughed. “How about the fact that you ordered us to kidnap Jacob Wonderbar? I’m sure the courts will look kindly on that.”

  “That’s not true,” Jacob said to the crowd, grimacing at the lie he was about to tell to help Mick Cracken. “I staged those kidnappings to try and win votes. It was a campaign stunt.”

  “You…” Patrick Gravy muttered from underneath Jacob. “You liar!”

  Officer Bosendorfer grabbed General Gravy roughly by the shoulders, and Officer Erard swung Patrick up into a standing position. Officer Bosendorfer had tears in his eyes.

  “I’ve been waiting for this moment for so long,” he wept.

  Officer Erard nodded and held his hand to his chest. “I always get emotional during a good arrest.”

  The space officers led the Valkyrians out of the room, and the audience cheered wildly. Jacob nodded his thanks to Mick, who looked happier than ever.

  “Only five minutes into my presidency and already my first scandal!” Mick said.

  I didn’t really want to save Earth,” Mick said as the children sat in the sun on the patio at the newly renovated presidential palace on Planet Royale. Jacob and Sarah rolled their eyes at each other and Dexter scoffed. Catalina seemed distracted by Mortimer, the pink dolphin.

  “I was totally ready to blow it up,” Mick said. “Still might, in fact.”

  “Then why didn’t you?” Dexter asked.

  Mick jerked his thumb at Jacob. “Mr. ‘My Mommy Is on Earth’ made it politically impossible. The voters would have hated me for it. But I really would have done it. That whole Sarah thing was just political cover.”

  Everyone rolled their eyes.

  “You’re so full of it, Cracken,” Dexter said.

  Sarah and Jacob laughed in surprise. Jacob never would have thought there would be a day when Dexter would be able to stand up to Mick Cracken. Dexter really had changed.

  Jacob rested his head back on his chaise longue and thought about going home to his mom and sleeping away an entire week. He knew that wouldn’t be possible because there was school and homework and chores and all sorts of other menial tasks awaiting him on Earth, but at least he wasn’t facing endless meetings and trips around the universe like Mick was about to endure now that he was president. The elections for the Astral Congress were just a few starweeks away, and Jacob was a bit relieved that working with a new government wasn’t his p
roblem.

  “So…” Jacob said. “I guess this is it.”

  The children glanced around at one another and then looked away, not quite sure how to say good-bye.

  Princess Catalina stood up first and reached out her hand to Jacob. “Can I talk to you?”

  They walked together in the gardens, and Jacob wondered what Catalina would say. He knew she was facing an uncertain future, no longer a princess and now Mick’s vice president, and he wondered how she had convinced Mick to name her his number two.

  Princess Catalina stopped walking, and for a moment all of her composure and confidence slipped away and a tear slid down her cheek. She looked at Jacob with pained eyes, then averted them toward the ground.

  “I wish you liked me as much as I like you,” she said quietly. Her words stabbed Jacob more than he thought was possible. He wished he did too. She was really great, he admired her intelligence and determination, and he felt bad that he was often so frustrated by her and didn’t return her feelings in the same way.

  But just as suddenly as Catalina’s brash and confident exterior had vanished, it was back. She tucked her hair behind her ear and straightened Jacob’s collar. She gave him a dazzling smile and said, “But darling, there’s still plenty of time for that. We have a whole lifetime ahead of us.”

  Jacob hugged Catalina and said, “Thank you so much. You’re… amazing. You really are.”

  Catalina patted Jacob on the back in a friendly way. “I know.”

  “How did you get Mick to name you vice president?”

  Catalina twirled her hair. “Impressed, aren’t you, Jakey?”

  Jacob laughed. “Yeah, I am.”

  “Well, you were right. I should be more than just a princess. There are Astrals who still think there should be a royal family, you know. I could have made problems for Mick even if legally I wouldn’t be a princess. But I told him I wouldn’t make any trouble and I’d publicly give up my crown if he named me his vice president.”

  “Wow,” Jacob said. He suddenly felt a little guilty that he had been the one who had prompted her to give up trying to be a princess, the thing she loved the most in the entire universe. But now she could finally decide who she wanted to be instead of just taking the life that was given to her. “That’s great, Catalina. Really.”

  “And who knows,” she said with a sly grin. “Maybe Mick isn’t the only one in the family who could be president.”

  “Don’t even joke around about that,” Jacob said, imagining the look on Mick’s face if he lost to his sister. “Because that would be the greatest thing in the history of the universe.”

  They made their way back to the patio where the others were sitting, and Jacob stuck out his hand to Mick.

  “Mr. President,” Jacob said.

  Mick smiled. “I don’t think I’ll ever get tired of hearing those words.”

  “Probably not.” Jacob smiled.

  Mick turned to Sarah, who still regarded him warily. “I’ll never forgive you for kicking me off your campaign,” she said.

  Mick nodded uncertainly.

  “But thanks for doing the right thing and saving Earth,” she said.

  She punched Mick on the shoulder, which made him immensely happy.

  Jacob knew it was time to go. He put his arms around Sarah and Dexter and said, “Shall we?”

  “Wait,” Mick said.

  Jacob, Sarah, and Dexter turned back.

  “I’m officially naming you three my Supreme Ambassadors to Earth. President’s orders.” He gave a lopsided grin. “It’s quite a prestigious job, you know.”

  Jacob laughed. “We’d be honored, Mr. President.”

  They waved their last good-byes to Catalina and Mick and made their way to Praiseworthy. Jacob couldn’t wait to be home at long last, to smell Earth again and be back in his house.

  But they had one more stop to make.

  The planet was green and moist and covered in tall, beautiful trees. The foliage was dense and full of brilliant and colorful fruits of all varieties, but there was one in particular that was especially common: bananas.

  It was a monkey’s paradise.

  Jacob and Dexter had asked Praiseworthy to research which planet would be the most hospitable for a group of friendly and loyal but not-very-bright space monkeys, and Praiseworthy found one that not only was home to the most varied banana population of any planet in the universe, it was mostly uninhabited and would keep the space monkeys from getting in too much trouble.

  At least, unless they started cruising around the galaxy again in their old spaceship.

  Jacob watched Dexter walk around with Rufus, excitedly pointing out great things about the new planet, from the sparkling waterfall that would give them perfect water to drink, to all of the different types of fruit, and the many places where he could sleep. Jacob marveled at the way Dexter was so good with the monkeys. He didn’t even have any pets, unless you counted his fish, which Jacob had to admit were quite well taken care of.

  Sarah sat down in the grass underneath a tall tree and watched Dexter play with the monkeys in their new home.

  “Do you think we’re going to have to leave Dex here?” she asked.

  Jacob laughed. “We might.”

  Dexter walked back over to Sarah and Dexter holding Rufus’s hand, and said quietly, “Rufus has something he wants to say.”

  Rufus let go of Dexter’s hands and scrambled over into Sarah’s arms and gave her a big hug.

  “Aw,” she said. After a little while Rufus let go of Sarah and gave Jacob a hug as well.

  “Thanks for messing up Mick’s ship,” Jacob said.

  Rufus started to cling to Dexter, but Dexter shooed him away in such a strong way that Jacob was surprised.

  After Rufus walked sadly away, Boris approached the group. He solemnly placed bananas in front of Sarah, Jacob, and Dexter. He looked them over one by one with his brown eyes and then turned and walked away. Jacob supposed that was a moment of appreciation, Boris-style.

  Sarah and Jacob stood up, knowing it was just about time to leave. Dexter was staring at the monkeys.

  “They’ll be all right, Dex,” Sarah said.

  “We can come visit sometime,” Jacob said.

  Dexter just nodded. Then he was thrown to the ground as Rufus swooped down from a tree onto his back.

  Dexter laughed and cried and gave Rufus one last hug. “You’ll be fine, pal,” Dexter said.

  Rufus stood watching vigilantly as Dexter, Jacob, and Sarah re-boarded Praiseworthy and blasted off into the sky. Dexter waved until he couldn’t see any of the monkeys any longer.

  The spaceship was very quiet as they flew through space, back through the colorful space kapow detour, and back to the solar system and toward their planet, which was still safe and secure and waiting for them, thanks to their heroism.

  As they neared Earth, Jacob sat alone in his room aboard Praiseworthy, watching old campaign footage of himself on his Telly. He hadn’t won, and the campaign already seemed like a distant dream.

  But he was proud.

  After Praiseworthy touched down in the forest near the block where all the houses looked the same on a pitch-black night, Jacob thought there was something extra-spooky about the forest. The branches seemed to hang closer and more ominously, and the underbrush clung to them as they trudged through the forest.

  When they finally reached the street, the houses seemed shabby and worn, and Jacob wondered if perhaps he hadn’t noticed how run-down their street had become just a few years after everything was built.

  They turned to each other before they parted, and Jacob stuck out his hand. Sarah and Dexter placed one of their hands on top of Jacob’s.

  “Space friends forever!” Jacob shouted.

  “Space friends forever,” Sarah and Dexter repeated, but when he heard their voices, he could tell they thought something was different and perhaps slightly odd as well.

  They hugged each other and said they’d see each other i
n school, and set off in the direction of their different houses.

  Jacob tried to remember what he was doing the day he had left so he could pick up where his life had left off as if nothing had happened. He’d have to pretend he hadn’t just run for president of the universe and lost, escaped crazed soldiers, and helped save the entire planet. No. He was just a regular kid who played pranks on substitutes and tried to have fun and counted the days until summer vacation.

  He reached his home and noted that the wreath on the door looked particularly faded, and he pulled it down, since his mom clearly was never going to notice that it was an eyesore.

  He opened the door and walked inside and saw an old lady sitting at his table.

  “Who are you?” he blurted out before he could think of being polite.

  “Jacob,” the old lady whispered. “Is that you?” And with a sudden chill, Jacob realized there was something eerily familiar about her. She looked kind of like his grandmother, but it wasn’t her.

  “Who—”

  But before Jacob could even finish the question, he realized he knew exactly who it was. It was his mom. It was his mom and she was an old lady.

  “Jacob,” she whispered, stepping over to him, and Jacob retreated despite himself. It was too much. Why was his mom old?

  “It’s been fifty years, Jacob. Fifty years.”

  Jacob suddenly realized they hadn’t returned to Earth in a time machine. They had returned by spaceship. Last time the king had sent them back so that no time had elapsed, and this time around it hadn’t even occurred to them that they should go back the same way.

  “I’m so glad to see you,” she said in a hoarse voice.

  But he was always able to travel around planets without a time problem, so why had fifty years passed on Earth?

  “This must be a shock to you.” She reached out to him with bony fingers, and he didn’t have anywhere else to retreat. His back was against the door. She grasped him by the shoulder and he wanted to scream.

  “Jacob, listen to me.” She implored him with her eyes, which were a bit more mottled but were still the eyes that had comforted him so many times when he was a child. He didn’t scream and managed to just breathe nervously.