Losing My Virginity and Other Dumb Ideas

by Madhuri Banerjee

  I got up and started taking my accessories off. I went into the bedroom, where I had strewed all my clothes and shoes and jewellery. My lovely king-size bed in the middle of the room, with side tables of dark mahogany, was completely covered with stuff. I had done up my place really well, I thought. I was an independent, successful woman who bought lovely, white bed sheets and colourful throw cushions from Zeba. A bed that showed how independent and aesthetic I was before I was in a relationship. And here was a bed that was covered with doubt, anticipation, and an entire wardrobe.

  What had I turned into?

  I didn’t feel like crying. I could have, but I didn’t. What came instead were the voices in my head.

  ‘Why doesn’t he leave his wife for you?’

  ‘Do you really want him to?’

  ‘Isn’t the point of all relationships a commitment that will end in marriage?’

  ‘For God’s sake, woman! He is already married. And he has never mentioned marrying you …’

  ‘But suppose he was to get a divorce, get rid of his wife, and then marry you!’ Isn’t that what his wife had also thought?

  ‘What if he does the same thing to me that he did to his wife? Find someone else after five years of marriage.’

  ‘Don’t be silly. He is in love with you. He has waited all his life to be with a person like you. He cherishes you and wants to be with you. Why would he cheat on you?’

  It’s true. My voice had reason. He would not cheat on me.

  He loves me. And it was unfortunate that his wife had tripped and fallen. He was being a good ‘man’ rather than just a good husband by taking her to the doctor. And now he will tell his wife he loves me and get that divorce. It’s a good thing she came back early. Things for a commitment will now speed up.

  I was trying to convince myself. It sounded feeble but the dialogue with the voice in my head had changed my mood from dispirited to reassured.

  My heart lifted. Slightly. I got into my bright yellow pyjamas and got the take-away menu folder from my side drawer. I called for a Subway sandwich and an iced tea. Yes, I wanted a brownie with that. I think I deserved a little treat That’s what love does to you, I thought, it makes you more mature, more tolerant, more caring. I was happy with my new avatar. I started feeling a little bad for his wife. Poor thing was hurt, in a hospital room, and didn’t even know that her life was about to change.

  Looking back at it, I would always remember this night as when I truly lost myself.

  Twenty-one

  I was wrong. Her life wasn’t about to change. Mine was.

  He didn’t SMS till the next afternoon. I had seriously started thinking the worst. But the worst was yet to come, when we met that night. He took me to a lounge where we could see the sea and listen to some nice jazz music, and the atmosphere was lovely. But the tension between us was unsettling.

  I was wearing my Fendi jeans again, and a nice sleeveless white top with some long beads. My diamond studs in place, I felt I looked fresh enough for him not to even think about his wife anymore and cool enough for me not to be bothered even if he did mention her.

  He looked great too with his two-day-old stubble and his casual chic grey pants and a striped black shirt.

  As soon as we ordered drinks and starters, he started, ‘Babe, I’m so sorry about yesterday.’

  ‘Don’t worry about it,’ I said, trying to act cool and mature. ‘I’m perfectly okay, so let’s plan another night. I mean, we should, na?’

  He paused for a second. ‘Of course, we can. I want to. I want to actually plan a holiday with you.’ This came out of the blue. I would have thought he would have the courage to explain why he had dumped me yesterday and why he hadn’t called all morning. But instead of sounding like a colossal crib-oid, I just went all giggly and teenager on him. ‘A holiday? Really? That would be great. Where should we go?’ I said straying from the topic.

  ‘Anywhere you want.’ The bearer came and gave us our drinks and we toasted to ‘Greece in the summer!’ The wife matter was like an elephant under the table that neither of us was willing to notice.

  I was dying to ask the question, but since I didn’t want to bring up the ‘wife’ topic I said instead, ‘For how long should we go?’ I know our conversation was veering towards the absurd, but I didn’t care what we spoke about as long as it wasn’t his marriage.

  ‘We can go for four–five days. I mean, with both our work and all, I don’t think we’ll get more time than a few days off including the weekend, and with Maria at home in …’ he trailed off.

  I stopped drinking. There it was. A slip of the tongue or intentional I would not know, but finally it was out. Something was not right. He seemed unsure and yet eager to please. This was not like him. The man I knew was supremely confident, took charge, and would tell me if we were going on a holiday, where we were going, when, and for how long. He would have made bookings and paid up and let me just pack my clothes. He wouldn’t be hesitating and pausing. So I kept quiet. The waiter brought our order of food. I picked it up and offered it to him. He picked up a fork and a knife and gently cut it into four pieces and then offered the fork back to me. His manners were impeccable. Something that proved that he was nervous since he was generally a klutz. It was also a sign that he was playing for time. I waited for him to say something while I sipped my drink.

  He had said her name. It was only right that I waited for him to elaborate or apologize. We had made a pact that we wouldn’t say her name. We would only use ‘her’, ‘she’ or ‘Mrs’. So it had slipped out.

  ‘Kaveri, I need to tell you something.’ I kept chewing.

  ‘I want you to know that I love you,’ he said with great conviction, though I could see he was holding his breath.

  I felt better. Marginally. That was a nice thought. He loved me. I loved him. Whatever it was then, could be fixed.

  ‘Maria is pregnant,’ he blurted out.

  At first I thought I hadn’t heard right, so I wanted to say ‘what?’, but then I knew I had and didn’t want to hear the name or that forbidden word in a sentence again, so I kept quiet.

  I stopped eating. I couldn’t swallow. I couldn’t move. I wanted to scream. I wanted to hit him. But what I really felt was a wave of sadness pouring over me. I still wanted to act cool.

  ‘I need a cigarette,’ I said finally looking around. ‘People in such situations feel better when they smoke.’

  ‘But you don’t smoke,’ he interjected.

  ‘So?’ I retorted. I knew he was against smoking and secretly felt happy that I was going against his ideology. A rebellious act which seemed absurd compared to his. Yes. That’s what I thought, I’ll make him cringe like he had just made me cringe with his announcement. The comparison was stupid but it felt right at the time.

  He remained quiet for some time till the bearer brought us a pack of cigarettes. I took one and the bearer lit it and left.

  Arjun started speaking all at once, as if he was in a debate and was given only two minutes, after which the bell would go off ending his turn.

  ‘This happened five months ago. She didn’t tell me and she herself didn’t know. It was on our trip to Paris, our last trip together where we decided that our relationship was not working—our last night together, for old times’ sake. And I promise you I haven’t slept with her since then. I have been faithful to you for these last four and a half months. When we came back, she left for her parents’ place and I thought she would come back to take her things and say it’s finally over. She never once mentioned this even on the phone …’ He trailed off.

  I didn’t know what to say so I kept quiet.

  He looked at me and took my hand. I recoiled immediately. I didn’t want to be touched. I just wanted a plan, now that my dreams had been shattered.

  ‘Baby,’ he started, ‘I love you …’

  ‘I don’t see how,’ I interrupted softly.

  ‘Don’t say that. I didn’t know.’

  ‘Is that why you
cancelled on me yesterday?’ I asked trying to make sense of this new development.

  ‘Well, she came back early and I realized she was pregnant …’

  ‘Obviously,’ I said sarcastically. My maid’s words came back to me. She had warned me that he was talking to his wife. Obviously he must have known or suspected something but didn’t say anything to me.

  He continued in the background while my mind was racing towards where my life would be headed now. ‘Then when I was leaving, she tripped and cut her lip on the kitchen counter. I took her to the hospital and while the doc was asking her some questions as to what meds to give, she confirmed that she was pregnant for about five …’ he trailed off again.

  ‘Please stop saying it,’ I said quietly. I wish I could have raved and ranted. Or at least thrown the drink on his face and walked out. That would have been what Aditi would have done. But I wasn’t her. And I didn’t know how to react. All I wanted was the pounding in my head to stop and for him to take back his words.

  ‘Okay, I’m sorry.’ He stopped talking for a while and we sat there in silence. Then he cleared his throat and leaned over to speak, ‘But I have a plan. So please hear me out.’

  I started stuffing my mouth with food so I wouldn’t start sobbing.

  ‘I didn’t know about this. She tricked me. I have been completely yours since we’ve met. I want to have you in my life because I can’t see myself without you. So please tell me what you want after hearing me out okay?’

  I desperately wanted to say okay and hear him out, but I couldn’t. ‘I don’t know,’ I heard myself saying. I could have just left. This man was going to have a child with another woman, his wife, in fact. Where did I fit into any of this anyway? Wasn’t having a family a deal breaker in relationships?

  The little voice in my head started again: who made these rules anyway? What does your heart say?

  Should I ask him to leave her and be with me? A moral voice in my head said it was wrong. He was the Father. He had to do the Right Thing. Would his parents help her? Maybe, maybe not. How could I do this to her? What kind of an unscrupulous human being would I be?

  But I knew I could not be with him either. Well, that’s what I thought for now. ‘I think we should break up,’ I said. Though my heart was breaking just saying it.

  ‘Please Kaveri. Please don’t do that. We can work this out together.’

  ‘How?’ I said, almost in tears now.

  ‘Please give me some time before I can be with you. Right now, I suppose I’ll be around when she needs me and once the baby is three or four months and she is more settled I’ll find her a place of her own, get her a good maid who can look after the baby, set the infrastructure up, and then I can be with you.’

  It was logical. And less heartless.

  ‘But wouldn’t you want to be part of the baby’s life? Her life?’ I asked trying to blink away my tears and my shattered dreams.

  ‘I don’t feel a part of this baby. It was one night in Paris where she tricked me to save this marriage. I had specifically told her that it was the last time, as a goodbye and thank you for spending so many years together. I didn’t know this was going to happen. Hell, she even said it was the “safe” time.’

  He began to make sense in some odd way. Or had I completely lost my sense of self worth?

  ‘And since five months are already up, it’s only a matter of a few more. I’ll be free of her and be yours completely. Kaveri, you have to believe me, I’ve never felt this way about anyone. After all, it has only been four months since we’ve known each other and I’m already “committed” to you. I was with her for twelve years and there was never anyone after her. Until I met you.’ He pleaded. He was almost begging me not to leave. I had never seen a guy like this before.

  I did love him. He was the first man I had slept with. The only man I ever wanted to be with. If he was genuine about what he was saying, I could have a future with him.

  He saw a ray of hope in my eyes and continued, ‘Please trust me. I want to do the right thing for all of us.’

  He was a good man. Maybe I could wait. After all, what were a few more months? It was just a little more than half a year. And half a year slips by so quickly that even gym memberships would get over before you could actually attend the gym. My head was swimming in a sea of confusion and pain.

  ‘I don’t know, Arjun. I really don’t know. I need time to think. I need to be alone right now,’ saying that, I got up and left the place. He tried to run after me. But I was too far gone. I had got into a cab and left. I needed to breathe. I needed to cry. I needed to call Aditi and tell her that she had been right.

  And I had been so wrong.

  Twenty-two

  That evening, I went home and tried to sort out my head. There were too many voices telling me what to do. I took off my clothes, got into my pyjamas and ordered a pizza and a brownie. I was depressed and hungry. I lay on my lovely bed and thought I should tell Aditi to come over. But before I could do that, my phone buzzed. I looked at it. It was a text from Arjun.

  ‘Please don’t take this the wrong way. I’m madly in love with you. I beg you. Don’t break my heart.’

  I refused to reply. I put on the TV and tried to distract myself. My phone buzzed again. It was Arjun. Man, he was persistent!

  ‘I promise to make us work, if you let me.’

  I had more ego than love right now. I wasn’t going to SMS back. He could keep texting me the whole night, I thought. Let him really be hurt.

  But the messages stopped. That was it. No more. And that pissed me further.

  Shouldn’t he be more remorseful? Doesn’t he want me back?

  The food came. I realized that this relationship was making me fat. I wasn’t one of those women who didn’t feel like eating when she was stressed. I was one of those who needed to eat more after a heartbreak. I thought food would be comforting, but halfway through stuffing my face with calorie-laden food, I started crying. I left the pizza on the floor of the living room and went to my room and slept.

  Arjun didn’t SMS after that. I kept getting up at night to check if he had. Secretly, I hoped for many more repentant SMSes. But none came. I felt even more devastated. And when I woke up, I decided to delete him from my life. The next few days, there was so much work that I could not meet Aditi. I had to translate articles of senior delegates for a brochure for a conference to be held the following weekend. I plunged myself into work so I wouldn’t think about my sorrow, that I would forget the loneliness. But caught in the crevasses of time, not being able to face the disconcerting feeling of being alone, I made another dumb mistake.

  I started SMSing Arjun again.

  And Arjun would SMS on and off and our relationship went back to the comfortable friendship that it used to be. This is what I loved about him, his ability to make me feel alive and special, the ability to make me laugh about my work and take it easy. His naughty SMS followed by my cribbing about work led us to being friends who would ‘figure things out’. And that, I suppose, seemed good enough for now as compared to the depressed and lonely feeling I had been having for some time.

  But I needed to tell Aditi. I needed female companionship. I met up with her the following Sunday evening. I was wearing my lovely new black skirt and an old, beige, silk top and some earrings and was feeling quite optimistic. Aditi smashed my positive attitude in seconds!

  ‘He’s what?’ she gaped, in mid sentence at the Brouhaha Lounge, as soon as we’d ordered.

  ‘Ya. He’s having a baby with his wife.’

  ‘What is wrong with you? And you’re still talking to him?’ I nodded my head.

  Aditi was appalled, ‘I can keep telling you what a scum bag he is, but until you feel it’s over, it really won’t be.’ She elucidated every word in her usual manner. ‘You are clinging to a man who is giving you less than you deserve. How much more understanding do you want to be? Till he uses you as a doormat and throws you away in a few years when he finds someone he c
an truly respect?’

  I was upset. ‘That’s harsh,’ I said.

  But she continued, ‘There’s a saying—for every minute you’re unhappy, you’ve lost 60 seconds of happiness. How many seconds have you already lost from your life by being with him?’

  I reflected on that. She was right. Reality was that he was going to have a child! Someone who would be part of his life forever. And if I was with him, the child might be a part of mine as well. From mistress to stepmom—in the blink of an eye! Was reality so difficult for me to see?

  I wanted to focus on what was good about us, what he was giving to me. So I said something that sounded logical only in my head, ‘I can’t base my entire love on him being physically present for me constantly.’

  Aditi took a long sip of her drink and held out a cigarette. A waiter came to light it. She smoked occasionally and I profusely objected to it most times. But tonight I needed one as well. That was one too many, too soon, but I forgave myself.

  She finally said, ‘I told you to treat this as a fling. But you went and fell in love with him. Whereas he still treats this as a fling.’

  Hmmm. That made sense. I should start thinking about Arjun as someone who gives me that momentary happiness. And use him for that. After all, maybe I was the one who read the signs all wrong. Or maybe, I was just fooling myself again.

  ‘You’re delusional,’ Aditi commented. I looked at her with a wry smile.

  Aditi continued, ‘Alright. I know you’re not going to give him up. So I give up. I won’t even lecture you about it anymore.’