Losing My Virginity and Other Dumb Ideas

by Madhuri Banerjee

  I smiled at her and looked away. We surveyed the room. It was filled with young career oriented people ranging in the age group of twenty-five to thirty. Most of them were couples, sitting on the white sofas against the glittering gold walls whispering to each other as the music became louder. They looked happy and in love. Not confused and in misery.

  ‘Maybe he has stopped loving you because you’ve turned into his wife!’ Aditi said suddenly, still looking at the couple who were toasting to each other now.

  ‘Who says he’s stopped loving me?’ I asked indignantly.

  ‘Well, maybe not stopped loving, but he’s definitely not head over heels about you.’ Before I could object she continued, ‘If he was really in love with you, my dear, he would be here right now instead of me. He would be taking you out!’

  I mused over that again and she took the opportunity to continue advising, ‘Okay. So here’s the way to go with this. Be the diva he fell in love with. Don’t be the empty glass, be the colourful alcoholic drink he desires,’ here she raised her glass which was already half empty and drank the rest in one gulp. She continued, ‘Be out of love. Use him for sex! My original theory. But be on the lookout for someone new.’

  It wasn’t so easy to be out of love, I thought. How could you go from being in love to thinking the relationship was a fling? Really, ‘Love’ sometimes needs a manual! This was the exact reason why I had not been involved with a man till I turned thirty. In hindsight, maybe I should have waited a few more years.

  ‘The best way to get over a man is to get under another one!’ she exclaimed.

  Aditi rambled on in the background about how love and sex needed to be different. How she had warned me about the dangers of being in love with a married man and how I should listen to her about the ways of getting out of this relationship. But I loved Arjun. I didn’t know the exact reasons why, but I did. He knew me better than anyone. Even Aditi. He understood me better than my parents. I excused myself to go to the loo.

  I looked in the mirror and saw a woman very much in love. He wasn’t just having a fling. She believed in him.

  And again, I did a dumb thing.

  I took out my phone and sent him an SMS—‘I believe in us. I believe this love can’t be fake. I believe that God wouldn’t have brought us together if He didn’t believe we deserve this love. You are everything I’ve wanted in a man. I don’t need to search anymore. This is not the end. We will get through this together. I will never let you go.’

  He immediately replied with ‘Thank you, baby, for keeping the faith.’

  Okay, so it was snappy and curt. But it made me feel better. It made me feel real. I went back to Aditi with a better outlook and enjoyed the evening, even though she kept giving me gyan throughout the night.

  Twenty-three

  There comes a time in one’s life when you really wonder what you were thinking. Because when you look back at your life, you know that obviously you weren’t thinking straight. For some people, it can be about the way they dress. For some, it’s about their decision to take up a job they hated. And for some it’s about the marriage decision they’ve made. For me, it was the decision to stay with Arjun, even after he told me he was having a baby with his wife. I knew then what the term ‘hopelessly in love’ meant. It meant that you’re hopeless to even think straight when you’re in love.

  Arjun and I continued meeting after his wife returned from her parents’ place. But this time, things had changed. He was not available in the evenings or on weekends. I had to maintain a distance, so I couldn’t call or SMS when he was at home. He didn’t want to upset his wife and cause any danger to her pregnancy since she was already in a delicate state. At times, I was frustrated and really angry, but then he would take a day off every week to see me, and once, we even went away for the weekend to Alibaugh and I was back in love with him. This cycle repeated itself and it seemed good enough for me. As soon as I would get upset with the situation, he would pacify me by taking me to a fancy restaurant or coming over to make love. And as usual, our sex was so amazing that it made me forget all the bad things that were happening. But one thing I could not forget was the loneliness that had come creeping into my life.

  And this aloneness translated into depression. Where I was earlier confused about why I was depressed, I now knew the exact reason behind the raging illness. It was because I was ‘hopelessly in love’. Everyone has one friend in his or her lifetime who is supportive, encouraging and who loves you unconditionally and tells you exactly what you want to hear, even if it means being brutal. Aditi was my best friend. When I had any problem, I would go to her.

  Today I was feeling low. I was having a tussle between my head and heart.

  My heart was saying that I loved him and he loved me. My head was saying I deserved better. So I called Aditi and she immediately came over. We sat on my bed with the AC on, and a hot cup of tea. The opposites in my life were blaring!

  ‘I’m feeling so mad at myself,’ I started off. ‘I’m feeling like such a loser.’

  ‘Kavu,’ Aditi interrupted.

  ‘No, let me finish … I have a feeling that I shouldn’t have given myself to this at all! I should have listened to you. I’m completely useless in matters of love.’

  ‘Listen Kavu, please stop being so harsh on yourself. It’s okay if you want to break up with him today, it’s okay if you want to get back with him tomorrow and it’s okay if you don’t decide and let things be. I’m not going to judge you and more importantly, please don’t judge yourself. You are a strong, intelligent, independent woman who deserves to feel like a queen. If you are unfulfilled and unhappy, then you need to take a call. Always be happy.’

  This was a new side to Aditi I had never seen before. But instead of talking to her about her life and her goals, I went back to being self-absorbed. And after pondering on her comment for some time I replied, ‘I’m not happy. With life.’

  ‘So what can you do?’ she asked softly, sincerely.

  ‘I don’t know.’

  ‘It’s okay, babe, not to know. You are a gentle soul. A really caring person.’

  ‘Ya and look where’s that led me,’ I said, extremely dejected and angry.

  ‘Shut up. Don’t keep badgering yourself.’

  I started crying and, between my sobs, I said, ‘I can’t let go of him. I tried to make him jealous, but he’s still not responding … I tried to call him, but he’s busy … I’ve tried to steel my heart against him, but I want …’

  Aditi waited for me to finish sobbing and I continued, ‘I want him on my terms. I want him to be there for me when I need him. I don’t want him to be there when it’s convenient, or when he’s not too tired, or when his wife doesn’t need him. I want him to make me feel special.’

  Aditi nodded understandingly, not talking, just letting me be. None of her usual gyan hurled at me. She had turned into a patient, understanding, mature friend and I could not even see it then.

  ‘It’s just so hard getting out of bed and doing anything … I want to curl up and go back to sleep every morning I wake up!’ I sobbed as I continued to rant. ‘I get into autos and start crying half way through the journey. And I can’t stop … because it’s just too painful! I can’t push myself to exercise because my body feels like lead. I can’t work because all I can think of is why is this happening to me?’

  ‘Welcome to the world of a heartbreak, babe,’ Aditi said jokingly and smiled. ‘I want you to know that I will be there for you no matter what you do. I will always have your back.’ And then after a pause, she added more firmly, ‘But I seriously hope you do the right thing.’

  ‘I don’t know how to let go, Aditi,’ I said with grave importance.

  ‘Think how you will be affected long-term and make your decision. But just be happy. And be at peace with yourself …’ And then after a long pause, she added, ‘And Kavu, being alone is not such a bad thing. Because if the alternative is compromising on your values, your happiness, your int
egrity, loneliness is just a minor aberration … you need to know you will find someone who will care for you. The way you want. And there will be a person out there. Maybe not today, maybe not in a year, but one day. And he will come. You need to hold on to who you are. Only then can you survive this game of love.’

  ‘It’s a game?’ I asked incredulously.

  ‘Yes, darling. It’s a game.’

  ‘I don’t want to play games. I’m not good at games.’

  ‘No one wants to. But you’ll learn. And it won’t be tough. And when you really fall in love, it won’t be a game anymore.’

  ‘When will that be?’

  ‘One day, babe. One day …’

  I sighed, feeling better already. And then a thought occurred to me. I asked her, ‘What if I’m too old and too judgemental to see the Love? I mean, isn’t it supposed to have happened by now?’

  She shook her head like a wise sage and replied, ‘Love is not about the rest of your life.’

  ‘Then?’ I asked.

  ‘Sometimes it’s just about having a great cup of coffee together.’

  And I remembered that. And I knew I would think of her when that happened.

  Twenty-four

  One day after I had finished work and Aditi had finished a shoot schedule, we were lazing around in my apartment watching TV and drinking hot coffee from a new filter she had bought. We weren’t making conversation. Aditi had said all she needed to about Arjun, how she felt about him, what he was doing to me, where it was ‘not’ going, everything. And I had made it clear that I loved him and I was willing to wait for him to come back to me, even if it meant being a stepmom to his child. So there was nothing left for Aditi and me to say to each other and we switched channels till we found something that numbed my pain and her exhaustion. One channel was showing the best bakeries in the world.

  Both responded with a deep, ‘Yummm …!’

  And then she said, ‘Remember when we went to Pune and sat at German Bakery the whole day having eggs and chocolate cake and …’

  ‘… apple pie and coffee!’ I finished.

  ‘Hmm.’ We said in unison again. Then we went back to watching the programme till it was lunchtime and we were starving. As usual, we wanted to eat out and didn’t know where to go. So Aditi said something that sounded amazingly smart at that time, ‘Why don’t we go to Pune and sit and eat eggs and apple pie?’

  I laughed, lying further back on the pillows that we had strewn on the floor, ‘Are you mad?’

  ‘So?’ she said, picking up our coffee cups and taking them to the kitchen. And then I thought, why not? We both needed to get away from Mumbai and a change would do me good. The depression would melt away as soon as I covered it with some hot apple cinnamon crumble with cold sweet vanilla ice cream!

  ‘Okay,’ I said suddenly, ‘let’s go.’

  And that was yet another very dumb idea.

  So we went into my room, took out a bag from the top of my wooden cupboard and stuffed it with a few shirts and underclothes, grabbed some money from the safe in the locked drawer where I kept some for emergency. Then we locked my apartment, got into her car, and drove to Pune where we had an amazing lunch. Now that would have been a perfect story. But what happened instead was not. In hindsight, I wish I had said, ‘Let’s just order from Subway!’

  What really happened was, we had lunch and pondered about going to Pune in any case. But being less than spontaneous and a lot more tired than usual, we decided to leave later that evening, once the sun had set. We thought we would be there partying at night and return the next day after having eggs and apple pie at our favourite bakery. This way we wouldn’t have to check into a hotel and waste money.

  So Aditi went home and collected her stuff and I went to the ATM from where I withdrew the little money I had. I contemplated calling Arjun to tell him that I was going away but decided against it. It was the weekend and he had said not to call, in case his wife picked up the phone. The thought made me sadder and more resolved to take some time out. I even considered spending a week in Pune, doing some retail therapy and letting Arjun miss me enough to stop him controlling my life.

  My life. When did I lose it? In the span of half a year, I had gone from being a confident woman advising Aditi on her love life to a woman who needed advice on her own. On a whim, I decided to call my mom.

  Thankfully, she was at home and not doing anything, so she could speak to me for some time. After some small talk about the weather and work, she asked me, ‘Why are you sounding so low?’ Mom had never asked me that before. I was amazed how she could gauge my state of mind.

  ‘I’m not low. In fact, I’m quite the opposite. Aditi and I have decided to go to Pune in the evening and will be back after a few days,’ I said, trying to sound cheerful so as to stop her from asking further inquisitive questions.

  ‘When are you going? Who will you be staying with? When are you coming back?’ Mom barraged me with the questions all in one breath.

  I gave her some random answers. ‘Okay,’ she answered, ‘but call me as soon as you get there and call when you’re leaving.’

  ‘Okay, Mom!’ I said with exasperation. Seriously! Even when your parents are hundreds of miles away, you’ll still have to be accountable to them for your life, no matter how old you are. Little did I know then that that call to my mother would save my life. But more on that later.

  Aditi had packed enough for an entire month. ‘Why do you need so many clothes?’ I asked, stuffing my small duffel bag into the boot of her car.

  She rolled her eyes at me and said, ‘Because each outfit needs to have a matching handbag and shoes. And I never mismatch, or what do they call it nowadays … ya, cross coordinate outfits.’

  ‘Whateva! Let’s go!’ I said, suddenly all excited and happy.

  And we took off towards Pune at about six in the evening with loud Punjabi music playing on the stereo. I was finally looking forward to something new in my life.

  Twenty-five

  We almost didn’t make it to Pune, or not in the state we had hoped. And that phone call I made to my mother two hours earlier, was the last time I would speak to her for the next twenty-four hours. But a call was made to my mother. From my phone. By a policeman who informed her that I was in a hospital in Pune.

  Here’s what happened as far as I can remember and with pieces put together later by Aditi and the policemen.

  Aditi and I were listening to loud music and thoroughly enjoying ourselves as we prepared to party the night away in Pune. We had listed all the names of pubs we knew in alphabetical order and thought we should have opened up a pub ourselves. This was the conversation we were having when suddenly, there was a freak cloudburst. As people who have travelled to Pune would know, when there is rain on those uphill, curving roads, there’s not much you can do but drive slowly and hope for the rain to pass.

  What we had not anticipated was that there would be a truck that would slip on the road and push our car, that was trying to overtake it, on to the side of the mountain, leaving both Aditi and me compressed between the truck and a rock, with her car completely smashed.

  The doctors told us later that we were lucky to have survived. But I had lost my voice due to shock and also because I had screamed so loudly that it took all my strength and sanity away. I had also injured my right arm. Aditi had broken her left leg and had a mild concussion that kept her semi unconscious for twenty-four hours. It was an extremely scary situation. Although it was Aditi’s suggestion to go to Pune, I felt terribly guilty for playing along with her impromptu plan. And all because I wanted to get away from a bad relationship.

  The police officer said that since the call to my mother had been the last dialled number on the phone, it was easy to tell them where I was, and that they had informed Aditi’s parents.

  Aditi and I had woken up in a strange Pune hospital with anxious parents at our bedside. As soon as my mom heard that I was going to survive with no real damage, she burst into tea
rs and started giving me the shouting of a lifetime. It wasn’t a lecture. It was shouting. I couldn’t even protest since my voice had gone!

  She refused to speak to Aditi and warned me that if I ever did, I would be in serious jeopardy of losing the inheritance of jewellery she had kept for me. It was the most absurd thing I had ever heard and made me smile in spite of my aches. And immediately I had to tell someone.

  But I wasn’t thinking about Aditi. I was thinking about Arjun. I needed to tell him. I didn’t know how. I couldn’t call him because I had no voice and I couldn’t SMS since my right hand was in pain. So I had to tell Aditi to call and let him know about our situation. But Aditi was in another room in a plaster with her leg up with her parents giving her the same lowdown that my parents had been giving me. So I called the nurse and gestured to her to give me a pen and paper to write. My mother was getting more agitated by the minute, ‘What do you want to write now? You’ve been told to sleep and take it easy till they discharge you the day after tomorrow. And we’re taking you right back to Bangalore. No more staying in Mumbai all by yourself. No, don’t shake your head. I don’t want to hear your stupid arguments anymore about how great that city is.’

  My mother even insisted that she would write the note to Aditi, but I told them I needed to sleep and they left me for a while. Then I told the nurse to write my note and give it to Aditi. The note said, ‘Call Arjun and tell him where I am’. The nurse took the note and my mobile to Aditi in the adjacent room. I should have asked after Aditi. But my mind was possessed by thoughts of Arjun.

  Then the antibiotics took over and I went to sleep for a few hours. I knew he would come and make it all better. He would take me home and look after me and save me from going back with my mother and living a life where I would be asked about my plans for the future everyday.