Stricken Desire

by S. K. Logsdon

  “I missed you too daddy.” I kiss his cheek and he sets me back onto the floor in my bare feet.

  “Come on and dig in guys.” My mom calls from the kitchen.

  I follow behind my dad and Stacy is already sitting down at the table and he looks good. Shit! Who am I kidding? He looks fantastic. But he always looks that way even if he’s not showered for two days and has been outside working. Not sure where he gets his sexiness from but he has enough for five people.

  “Lasagna and garlic bread mom this looks delicious.” I look over the spread. My mom the wonderful cook. Now that I did pick up from her.

  We serve ourselves and the room is quiet. I think we are all on edge to hear about Stacy’s visit with his mom.

  “Ok... guys. Sheesh, don’t pull my arm off or anything.” Stacy says with a smirk. “The visit went fine. Better than fine in some ways. My mom was nicer than normal and she still remembers me and what’s she’s done and she spent half of the day apologizing. I think without all the alcohol and drugs in her system she has finally had time to reflect on my childhood and she seemed sad about it. She even surprised me when she asked to see you.” He nods at me our eyes locked into each other’s.

  “Oh yeah? Well that’s fantastic.” I fork a pile of lasagna into my mouth. The cheese and meat is so delectable. It tastes better than I remember. Probably has something to do with the fact I am now carrying two babies. I don’t think that’ll ever sink in.

  “I’m happy about it. Helped close a few painful memories away I guess you could say.”

  “I am so glad you and your mother are getting along now Stacy. It’s always been hard on you. But just remember we are your family and if ever need us for anything don’t hesitate to ask.” My mom says. Always the hospitable sweet woman.

  “Thanks guys… so how was the docs today?” Stacy prompts obviously trying to get off the topic of his mother.

  “Fine.” I mutter and bite into a piece of bread. Oh this butter and garlic and salt is divine. I lick my fingers. My mom eyes me like I have two heads. So sue me mom I love your cooking.

  “Did the doctors have anything to say about your condition?” my mom asks.

  “Her condition?” Stacy chimes in. Oh not another fucking thing to deal with. I never told him about my problem which doesn’t seem like so much of a problem now.

  “Yeah Em’s Endometriosis.”

  “Her what?” he asks his voice is full of confusion and misunderstanding.

  It’s a big word I guess to try to say let alone understand.

  “Don’t you know?” she glances at me puzzled. “Emily was diagnosed eight years ago with it. It means she has next to no chance of getting pregnant ever. Tissue grows where it shouldn’t inside her body and causes infertility. Her case is advanced according to Dr. Shells.” I am seriously beginning to think we might need to check his credentials. “The last time she was in there they were worried she could only keep her uterus maybe two or three more years before they’d have to remove it and all the tissue.”

  He looks at me and his eyes widen.

  “It isn’t as bad as it sounds Stacy.” I add.

  “And I don’t know about this why?” he sounds hurt.

  “It’s my female parts. It’s not generally a common topic of our conversations. I didn’t think it was a big deal. It’s part of who I am. I can’t change it and it’s not life threatening.”

  “Ok… But you can’t have children and you didn’t think that was something I should know?” he scowls.

  I choke on my spit and pick up my glass of water and sip on it.

  “That’s not the case anymore.” I murmur under my breath.

  I reach down and pull my purse up from the floor and into my lap so I can show the babies pictures around when the time comes. The time is coming I can feel it. I am so nervous my heart is pounding in my chest.

  “What did you say?” my mom asks.

  I unzip my purse and snatch up the pictures and the pamphlet.

  “I don’t have infertility problems like the doctor thought. Is what I meant to say.” I gently lay the sonogram pictures and the booklet in the middle of the table.

  My mom, dad and Stacy all lean in and peer at the booklet that’s lying on top of the photos.

  “What’s that?” my mom looks at it and back at me and the pile again. Her voice is soft and filled with concern.

  Man my dad is quiet he hasn’t barely said two words all night. This is so not like him.

  “That.” I jam my finger on the booklet. “Is what the doctor gave to me today after my exam and tests. And those.” I slide the sonogram photos out from under the booklet. “Are pictures of your grandchildren.”

  Everyone eyes widen large and all mouths drop open simultaneously. Hey, at least I wasn’t the only one in shock when this happened. They have each other for support I had a doctor and a nurse and I am the one this is happening too.

  “Come again?” my mom asks slowly and Stacy and my father are as still as statues.

  “I am pregnant. With twins. Five weeks along.” I blurt with my cup to my mouth. Then I take a sip.

  “Who’s the father?” my mom asks confused and looks over to Stacy.

  “It’s not him.” I add.

  “It’s fucking Johnathan Striker that’s who! The mother fucker lead singer from the band I manage. Son of a bitch Emily. Not only did you seriously fuck up by screwing the dude once. You’re now having not one of his babies but two!” Stacy yells and throws his chair back it falls over with a loud crash, and stalks out of the room without another word.

  Tears pour down my face. I snatch up my baby’s pictures and my purse and I run out of front door and leave in my suburban. My heart hurts so much. I can’t believe Stacy is that angry. I shouldn’t be surprised but I am.

  I drive and I drive in the dark out into the country. Rows and rows of corn line the two lane roads. I turned my cell phone off when I left. The tears keep coming and I can’t help but cry. I hate this! I hate the pain. Ever since I went to work with Stacy pain has been a forefront in my life. I want to be sad about being pregnant but I’m not. I’m happy in a way. I want these babies. With or without anyone’s help. I pull over into an abandoned motel parking lot. It’s now four in the morning and I am too tired to drive home tonight. I lock the trucks doors. Hop into the back over the seats. Curl up with my sweatshirt I had in the back and drift off.

  Chapter Fifteen

  The sun is shining through my trucks window when I wake up in the back of my truck. It’s so beautiful in the country. That’s something you’d never get in the city this much flat rural land. I sit up and stretch. Time to face the music. I climb over into the driver’s seat and power on my cell.

  It pings for two minutes straight. Five voice mails and thirty five texts. I seriously don’t want to read them but I will because I have to know what I walking back into when I go home. I know my mom is going to be furious one because I skipped out and two because I am pregnant with a rock stars babies. Not very responsible, she’ll probably say. Not that I blame her it wasn’t responsible at all on my part.

  I click through my texts all of them are from Stacy.

  Starting with: What the fuck were you thinking?

  Followed by a bunch that say

  Where are you?

  I’m sorry, please come home.

  I shouldn’t have said that it’s not your fault. Just come home and kick my ass for being a dick.

  The last text was just sent about ten minutes ago according to my log.

  You are scaring me babe. Please. Please. Come home. We need you to come. Your mom is freaking out. Your dad left for work. Please don’t do this. We will work this out. Just come home.

  I put the truck in drive and take the scenic twenty minute ride home. Passing bright green cornfield after cornfield on the way.

  I pull up out front of my parents cream Victorian and my mom and Stacy are both sitting on the porch swing. They both stand immediately and come poundi
ng down the front steps and meet me at the driver’s side of my truck.

  “Where the hell have you been?” my mom asks her voice is soft and low but I can tell she’s angry. Which is fine, she is entitled.

  “I drove around and then fall asleep in a parking lot.” I push my way past them and go up the stairs.

  “You can’t walk away from this little missy. You need to talk to us.” Stacy cuts in once I hit the porch.

  “Oh… So now you want to talk?” I stop and hiss, staring straight ahead. I can’t even look at him or some serious violence might break out.

  “You want to yell at me and tell me my babies are a mistake and I’m supposed to WANT to talk to you?” I protectively cover my belly with my hand, angrily yank the front door open and stalk the rest of the way into the house leaving it wide open.

  “I know I deserve that.” He’s right on my tail. “But I’m sorry. I can’t say I’m happy about all of this but I don’t want to lose our friendship.” His voice is low and tainted with sadness.

  I toss my flip-flops on the ground and snap my body around to face him. I find my mom is standing in the front door frame. A sullen look marking her youthful face.

  “These.” I point to my belly. “Were never supposed to happen.” I inhale a giant breath. “EVER! In my life. According to my doctors. Not without medical help anyhow.” I shrug frustrated. “I may not want to be a mother right now and this may not be the MOST IDEAL circumstance. BUT--- I am NOT going to say I am sorry for being pregnant with them. IF this is my one chance in my WHOLE life to have a baby and I get two. I consider myself lucky. Even if these babies just so happen to have a misogynist asshole for a father. As far as I am concerned he doesn’t have to have a fucking thing to do with them. I can do this on my OWN and I WILL. With or without you.” I jam my finger through the air between us at him.

  I turn to leave and he grabs my arm pulling me into a hug. I let my hands falls to my sides and he’s the only one doing the hugging.

  “I will be here. I will do whatever you want.” He caresses my back softly under my long hair. “I can’t lose you. Asshole rocker father or not. I am still their uncle or more if you want that.” A gentle kiss is pressed to my forehead. “We don’t even have to tell him and I can raise them as my own. You don’t have to be with me for us to do that. People do that all the time. They have babies together and don’t even sleep in the same house. We could. I could have a bedroom and you could have another and the kids could share. I dunno” he shrugs his shoulders. “We could work anything out. Just don’t hate me and don’t take yourself and them from me. PLEASE.” He’s begging.

  I wrap my arms around him and sob into him. Tears flowing down my cheeks. I always knew Stacy was wonderful but this is a whole other level. To offer to take care of them as his own. God could I have gotten any luckier in picking a best friend? He is amazing! On all fronts! My face is stuffed into his rock hard chest and I can hear his soothing heartbeat. But I can hear my mom crying in the doorway. I unlatch halfway from Stacy my right arm still latched onto him. I open my other out wide to welcome my mother’s embrace. She runs into my arm and we all three hug and my mom and I sob together like little kids.

  “Thank you Stacy for being so wonderful.” I sob, clinging to the two most important people in my life other than my little fetuses.

  “I’d do anything for you Em, you know that.” He kisses the top of my head, I can hear him inhaling my scent.

  And I just melt. This is the most amazing man on the planet and I can’t seem to understand how a woman can’t keep him or a man for that matter. He deserves to be happy and loved and have a family of his own. I wish I could give that to him. I can’t but I wish I could. If only I could tap into my brain and make myself love him in the way lovers do. I would do it for him. But the thought of sleeping with Stacy isn’t a sexual one. It creeps me out and makes me want to throw up. It’s like having sex with your brother which is so not a good feeling.

  We break away from the hug and I kiss him on the cheek. I can’t bring myself to tell him that what he is proposing will probably never happen but I can’t ruin the ascending mood. We go into the living room and I curl up next to him on the couch. I throw the blanket over my legs and we tangle our bodies together. He feels so good against my skin. I love this man!

  “How about I make up some tea.” My mom suggests with a smile standing in the doorway to the kitchen. Wiping her puffy eyes clean of tears.

  “Can I have tea still?”

  She chuckles so sweetly. “Yes darling but it will have to be decaf. I’ll make us some and we can talk about your pregnancy. Stace do you want some?”

  He nods with a smile and places a gentle loving kiss upon my temple. I squeeze him tighter. “How did I ever get so lucky to have such a wonderful best friend?” I nuzzle his chest with my nose. He smells like cologne and chocolate.

  “I wonder the same thing every day of my life.” He says and pushes my wavy hair from my face and kisses my forehead again. His lips are so soft and heartwarming. God I am lucky to have him. Especially now.

  My mom reenters into the living room and hands me a white mug of tea and Stacy the same.

  “Thanks mom.” I say with a crooked genuine smile. I am exhausted. I need a nap and a lobotomy. That might fix my major ever growing anxiety issues.

  “So…wonderful daughter of mine. I know I haven’t gotten a chance to weigh in. I just want you to know from your father and I’s perspective we are happy. I know it’s not the most ideal for you to be pregnant without a husband. But you’re pregnant, which is more than we could have ever dreamed for. And if you need anything from us you always know we will be there.”

  “Thanks mom you know that means a lot to me. You and dad have always been great to me and Stacy.” I kiss his shirt covered chest. “I’m sorry I couldn’t bring a man with me into this situation. But I promise I won’t ask for much. I just need you to be grandma and grandpa and spoil the crap out of these little two.” I rub my tummy and Stacy sets his tea down on the end table and places his hand over mine.

  “I will take care of her Mom I promise.” Stacy says rubbing his hand across my belly.

  “I know you will Stacy, you two have more of a functional relationship than most married couples.” She readjusts on the love seat, crossing her legs. “So honey do you have any questions on your pregnancy? I think I could help with the questions. Not only from a mothers point of view but a nurses. I do work with little babies every day.”

  That guides us into a two-hour conversation of me and Stacy asking my mom a thousand questions. Like how much weight I am going to gain? Which I guess depends on the woman. But my mom said with carrying twins I will most likely gain fifty, if I am anything like her. That seems like a lot of weight on my small body. I know I don’t know how much I weigh but I figure I am somewhere around one twenty only because my butt is huge and my boobs are large. Now adding fifty pounds to my frame I will look like the Goodyear blimp by the time I am ready to deliver. I was even lucky enough to find out that I will most likely have morning sickness for the next two months, my breasts will swell and fill with colostrum, I will get massive amounts of stretch marks and I might as well kiss my tiny feet good-bye as they will probably plump up to be the size of watermelons along with my ass. Oh, the joys of becoming a mom. And to be honest I would take that and fifty more things if it meant in the end I deliver two healthy babies.

  The lighter notes my mom decided to tack on as filler to make my anxiety level simmer down was the fact that I will most likely glow. Not like a lightening bug but my skin will radiate warmth. Or some happy horseshit like that. Also, I will be able to feel the babies move in a few months, which I am seriously looking forward to and to top off the GOOD list. Is that I am supposed to be horny all the time. Like a walking orgasm or that’s kind of how my mom put it. I refused to ask if she was that way when she was pregnant with me. Knowing her and my dad had to have sex to conceive me is bad enough. The thought might
actually scar me for life.

  The rest of the night goes rather smoothly. I take a dip in the claw foot tub. Pad around the house in my newest PJ purchase. A pair of smiley face boxers they have guitars on them and the smiley faces have Mohawk’s. They’re men’s size medium and run a little big but I prefer them that way and finding out about the babies I might get lucky enough and be able to wear them my entire pregnancy. Fingers crossed.

  My mom ordered pizza, Stacy and I lounged on the couch tangled up together like always. Stacy holding me always feels so nice. It’s like a big comfy blanket wrapped in unicorns dipped in chocolate and rolled in pure happiness. Mom sat on the love seat in her plaid night pants and a baggy T. Stace had on blue gym shorts and a yellow shirt. Popcorn was stuffed by the fistful into our mouths throughout the night as movie after movie played on my parent’s flat screen. It was so relaxing after spending what feels like the past month drowning in anxiety and stress.

  Chapter Sixteen

  The entire week with my parents and Stacy went by in the blink on an eye. After the initial pregnancy revelation and Stacy’s apologetic surprise from his mother the rest of the week passed rather simply and comfortably. It was the R&R we needed. Over ten movies were watched, our faces were stuffed every day with delicious food my mom cooked. We slept in late every morning and watched the sun go down swinging on the porch. It was the kind of life you’d always dreamed about but rarely lived. With our busy lives and schedules it’s hard to sit back and enjoy life and the small things you take for granted. Like watching Stacy eat fifteen butterscotch cookies in one sitting and complaining of a stomachache afterward. Or going to bed late and staying up remising about life with your best friend in the same bedroom you spent years bonding together as teenagers.

  This whole past week we rarely talked about Kyle or Johnathan or the band except when I ran some ideas I had a chance to work on by him. I spent hours when he was visiting his mom and his aunt jotting down ideas and searching my laptop. Google is the best invention known to mankind, I swear. I know Stacy brought me into the band to help when he takes time off. I am capable of doing and the roadies are set on how they assemble and disassemble the sets. He’s taught them so well, they rarely need addressed. So in addition to making sure the bands gigs go off without a hitch I decided to put my P.R degree to some use. I studied mainly with public relations at NYU but I also took extra classes in marketing to make myself more competitive in the workplace. With those both under my belt I have some great ideas I want to propose to the men once we get back to the bus which is parked in Washington D.C ready for our next gig. Eight more weeks of this tour both in the US and moving into Canada and I am hoping to use the time afterward to promote the band further. I will work the media and marketing and Stacy agreed to help with planning and venues. We seriously make an amazing well-rounded team.