The Goblin Queen and the Sigil of Altazan (The League of Sinister Means Book 2)

by H. K. MacTavish

  It isn’t dim. It’s gone! I’ll just carve it back in.

  Wait. What if I get it wrong? It has been a while since I’ve had to use scrying pool runes. I have Alistair’s book right on the altar there. I would be a fool to not spend an extra minute to make sure I am remembering the correct rune.

  I walk over to the altar and grab Alistair’s book and flip through it while I hear the goblins behind me finally opening up the main chamber doors to the temple. It sounds like the hinges need a little maintenance. I’ll just have to get the goblins to fix that up later.

  Okay Alistair, where are your scrying runes located? Table of contents…introductory crap, beginner’s crap…did I grab the wrong one? No! This chapter is on Runic Senses. That has to be scrying, right? Let me flip to the page…

  “Highness.”

  “Yes?” I snap.

  “The door is open,” the goblin says.

  “I saw. Are the goblins from the warrens on their way?”

  “I don’t know,” the goblin says.

  “Go find out and report back to me!”

  “Yes highness!” the goblin yells as he runs off.

  “And you!” I yell, pointing at another goblin.

  “Highness?”

  “Tell the kitchen goblins to seek shelter in the warrens until the heroes are taken care of.”

  “Yes highness.”

  The last thing I want to do is retrain goblins on how to cook and clean a kitchen. I remember early on, dreading that every bite had goblin snot in it, or some other bodily excretion. Ugh. Never again. And if I can’t cast the Sigil of Altazan as soon as I wished I’ll still need them to cook for me.

  Now, where was I? Oh, scrying runes. Alarm runes, those are nice. Runes on plates and cups to detect poison? Those require a little dust from a ground up unicorn’s horn. Expensive but worth it to not be poisoned.

  Here we go, scrying pools. No. Nothing there. I flip the page over and this is just more of the same. I flip the next page and see the runes staring straight at me.

  “Here we go!” I say.

  How to Do More With Your Scrying Pool. Casting Through the Image…yes, these are the ones I put up on the cauldron. Which one is missing? They have to be in order so it should be easy. I look at the cauldron and see the rune in front of me. I turn back to the page and see that it is…this one here with the wavy lines. Right? I double check. Yes. It is that one. Then the next one is this blocky rune…and it is! Great!

  I walk around the cauldron while levitating the book in front of me. I see the runes on either side of the missing rune. I turn back to the book and I find it is this triangular one.

  I kneel down, look at the rune in the book and see what I have to do. I would have forgotten the little line near the top of the triangle. It’s a good thing I decided to double check. Okay, I got this. I drag my finger over the rune and wait. Nothing happens. It’s supposed to start glowing. Right? What did I do wrong? The cauldron is specially enchanted so I just need to drag my finger over it to make the runes and not actually carve into it. I did everything right!

  No I didn’t. The dot. I missed the dot. I add that and it glows right away! Great!

  This is the problem with casting different types of magic. A pure runecaster would have all this memorized and know exactly what they are doing on the fly. Me? Attempting to keep all the different types of spells at hand can be overwhelming. I’m not alone in practicing so many different types of spells. Have you ever wondered why some wizards and sorceresses can just cast on the fly and some need a lot of books? Well, now you know.

  So, the cauldron is all set. I put the book back on the altar…

  “Highness!”

  “Highness!”

  Wow, two at once. I think I know what happened.

  “Yes?” I ask.

  “They’re at the gates!”

  “Excellent!” I say.

  Breaking the Gates

  Okay cauldron, let’s see who is pounding on my door. It’s coming in clear…clearer…there! There are four heroes. It looks like the standard four fops I most often see; one rogue, one priest, one wizard, and one warrior. Oh, I recognize them.

  So the big warrior is Leo the Mighty. Why is it these warriors always add, the Mighty or the Strong to their names? As if I can’t see their bulging muscles that they love to flaunt. I’m not sure Leo even has a proper last name. Mr. the Mighty is wearing a loin cloth…and nothing else. I’m not going to lie, even though I’m not really into the meathead types, he does look deliciously good. Is he oiled? His pecs look like they are shining in the sunlight. And he shaved, like, everywhere. That is a lot of grooming for a barbarian. He’s got tanned skin, long blonde hair, a chiseled squared jaw, fur covered boots, and a large blade on his back. That sheathe looks a bit too big to just be a sheathe. There has to be bags back there for supplies.

  Oh, my, god, what is Cassandra D’Meitre wearing? Not a lot, I can tell you that. Long blonde hair, lots of makeup; her face is more covered up than the rest of her. She’s wearing this blue silk stretch of cloth across her more than ample bosom with some gold bands holding everything up. That gold is doing a lot of work. She has bracelets, lots of bracelets, on both of her arms. I see some earrings and a golden tiara in her golden hair. And no pants or skirt. She’s not naked, exactly, she has this little gold, well, belt? I’m calling it a belt. It’s just this golden string, really. Maybe not string exactly. I get a closer look and, yes, they are little golden links smaller than a fingernail. That is around her waist. And there are these towels covering her front and back. They’re not really towels, but long rectangle strips of cloth that drape down past her knee…they’re like towels. She’s wearing towels for pants. Silk towels. And for footwear she decided to go with over the knee length high heeled boots. Through the wilderness. High heeled boots. How did she even make it this far without twisting an ankle? Maybe the boots are enchanted to protect her ankles. Imagine wearing sensible shoes and putting a proper enchantment on those! She looks like she’s about one combat encounter away from falling out of her…I’m going to say clothes and that is being generous.

  Next is Gerald Safar, a priest. He is so bundled up I can’t really tell much about him. He is handsome, darker skinned, I’m going to guess black hair hidden under that coif and helmet, clean shaven…I wonder if he would be interested in a little alone time with me. I would love to corrupt him. If I could get that priest alone, corrupt him, convince him to sleep with me. Maybe I’ll tell him I’ll spare his friends if he does it. Well, anyway, he is well armored. Far better than any of his other companions who are protecting themselves with wishes and good intentions. He is wearing a chain suit that has a long skirt that comes down to the ground and a white tunic that covers that armor completely, even along the arms. I can see a backpack over his shoulders. Why? Why isn’t he dressed more like Leo? I want to see what you’re bringing to my lair Gerald! But no, I get to look at the beefcake and the wizard who was dragged away from her pole to come rescue some peasants. There is no imagination needed for them to see what they look like, but you? You’re completely covered except for that handsome face of yours. The world just isn’t fair sometimes.

  Oh, and you brought your sister, Katie Safar, with you as well. She’s the rogue. She is attractive, darker skinned like her brother with long and straight black hair. There are a few pouches over her belt and a backpack on her back. Why she has a belt is beyond me those leather pants she has on are so tight not even gravity could pull them off. They are pants, right? I mean they look like they’re just painted on. Are they? They are shining a bit. Maybe she painted her legs? That would be weird. Maybe it is some magic paint. I’ll get my goblins to spray her down if that’s the case. Let me zoom in closer. Wait…is that a zipper? I think that is a zipper. So they are pants. The rest of what she is wearing is just as tight except for her cleavage which is open to the air for some reason. Gotta let the girls breathe, I guess. It’s not like anyone will aim for her generous curve
s. What am I saying, I have goblins. They couldn’t hit her cleavage if her boobs were as big as Cassandra’s. Katie’s pillows are perfectly safe. At least she isn’t wearing heels, is she? No. She has on sensible footwear. Not sensible clothes mind you, but sensible boots. How does she get dressed? Those pants don’t exactly slide on, do they? Maybe she borrows some of Leo’s oil every morning. Ha! I just tried to picture what their morning routine must look like. Leo shaving everywhere and Katie asking to borrow some oil so she can squeeze into those pants. I bet Cassandra wears more clothes when she goes to sleep too. These heroes will be easy to vanquish!

  “This has to be the place,” Katie says.

  “I agree,” Cassandra says. “Let me cast some light spells.”

  “Not on me,” Katie says.

  “Don’t worry. I’ll just cast one on myself and Leo,” Cassandra says.

  “Why not me?” Gerald asks.

  “We don’t want you to draw any unwanted attention,” Leo says.

  “Fine,” Gerald says.

  Well, aren’t they protective of their handsome little priest? Cassandra casts her spell twice and a floating white ball of light hovers over her head and Leo’s. The light is decent, like having a lantern but without the risk of dropping it, or the oil getting on you and setting yourself on fire; events that I would have preferred.

  “There could be a cave or some other place the goblins are coming out of…” Gerald says.

  “No,” Leo says. “This is the place.”

  “Let me check the door, see if it is trapped,” Katie says.

  “Just let me open it,” Leo says.

  Yes, let Leo open it!

  “Better to be safe,” Cassandra says.

  Says the woman wearing no armor.

  “Fine,” Leo says. He is unhappy. Leo wants to smash!

  Katie is bending over, and it doesn’t look like that tight leather is impeding her. Why? If I wore that I would barely be able to move. Bending over would be a heroic challenge! She sees something in the lock. Damn it!

  “It’s trapped,” Katie says.

  Damn it!

  “What kind of trap?” Leo asks.

  Something to go boom in your faces.

  “Fire trap,” Katie says. “A crude one.”

  Of course it’s crude; I told my goblins to trap it just now.

  “Can you disarm it?” Gerald asks.

  A child could disarm it. No, that isn’t true. A child sleepwalking could disarm it by accident. The only hope I had was Katie not seeing anything.

  “Of course,” Katie says.

  She wiggles some picks in there with something that looks like a little blade.

  “Got it,” Katie says.

  Well, I didn’t expect that trap to work to be honest. But it doesn’t mean I shouldn’t try.

  “Here, let me open it,” Leo says. “Stand back.”

  “Okay,” Katie says.

  She scampers back to stand with the other three. Leo is all excited now. He gets to break things! Leo kicks the door. It starts to budge right away. He kicks it again. The large doors buckle once again. That is actually impressive. That is a heavy pair of double doors. And he’s going to kick it down with ease. My goblins from the warrens had better be on the other side waiting for them! I can’t wait to see the faces of the heroes when hundreds of goblins rush out and bury these fools!

  One more kick from Leo and the door opens!

  “Come on!” Leo yells as he charges in. I don’t hear anything from the other side.

  Wait! Where are the goblins? Where is the yelling and screaming? The heroes should be shitting their pants by now. Those that have pants.

  The heroes enter into the first main chamber. There is an elevated railing where archers are supposed to be, but aren’t. Where are the goblin archers? No one is hiding behind the pillars in this room, no one is waiting around the corner…

  “Are you sure this is the place?” Cassandra asked. “This seems too easy.”

  It is too easy! The room is supposed to be an orgy of blood and urine punctuated with the screams of heroes!

  “You!” I yell at a goblin.

  “Highness?”

  “Why aren’t the heroes being attacked right now?”

  “They…they aren’t?”

  “No,” I say. “The heroes are inside my lair and no one is attacking them! Why?”

  “I’ll go and check,” the goblin says quickly before running off.

  Maybe the heroes will just leave if they think this place is abandoned. What are they doing now?

  “…and I’ll cover you from here,” Cassandra says.

  “Okay,” Gerald says, mace in hand. Oh, I hope no one cuts that pretty face of his.

  Leo and Gerald are creeping up to the door at the far end of the room. Katie is lurking somewhere. Where is she? Ah! Ready to flank anyone coming out of the door. She is good at sneaking. One would think that all that leather would not be that silent but the laws of nature apparently bend to the wills of the heroes.

  Leo opens the door and peers down the hall. He stays there for a bit before turning back to Cassandra.

  “Nothing is here,” Leo said.

  Maybe the goblin’s ineptitude will work in my favor. No one is here! You have the wrong place! Run along.

  “Are we sure this is the right place? I know the door was trapped and sealed, and no one would love to loot an abandoned fortress more than I would but we’re looking for Sasha and Bertrand,” Katie said.

  “I’m beginning to agree,” Cassandra said. “This place may be sealed for a different reason. Maybe this was once a goblin stronghold but it doesn’t look like anything is here now.”

  “Let’s spend a day looking around the foothills,” Gerald says. “If we don’t see anything else around then we can come back and check this place out.”

  “The longer we delay the less chance we have of finding those two peasants alive,” Leo says.

  “Which is why we need to find the right spot,” Katie says.

  “The goblin tracks lead up to here and the patrols we killed on the way say that this is the place. The goblins would not be patrolling and protecting this area for no reason,” Leo says. “But, another day of looking around won’t hurt.”

  They…they’re leaving? I have an extra day? I still need to find a replacement for that peasant that the goblins killed. I don’t know where I’ll find…

  “Attack!” the goblins yell.

  What? Now? No…

  The heroes turn around and watch as about a dozen goblins pour out of the hall and into the main chamber. Why? Why now? You stupid little…oh look, Cassandra cast a fireball that took four out at once. Leo swings his claymore around taking the heads off of two others. Katie throws a dagger right into the head of a goblin and parries the other two. The only one that looks like he might be in any sort of trouble is poor Gerald. Poor, handsome, Gerald. He swings that mace with some experience but he really isn’t the warrior, is he?

  What? A goblin threw a spear and it cut Leo across the arm! Excellent! Take that!

  Gerald knocks a goblin silly. Ha, even Gerald looks surprised that he hit something. The goblin recovers and strikes Gerald right in the armor. Gerald is fine. Leo rushes forward and lops the head off the goblin for Gerald.

  “Are you okay?” Leo asks.

  I’m not sure Gerald would have even felt that little prick.

  “Yes…I’m fine. Thanks,” Gerald says.

  A lightning bolt flies from Cassandra’s fingers followed by another and, unless you are trying to cook that goblin you can stop. That goblin is dead. That goblin was dead with the first jolt of electricity.

  And…all the goblins are dead.

  “I guess this was the right place after all,” Gerald says.

  Well fuck.

  “I guess we woke them up after all. Come on, let’s check this place out,” Katie says as she turns around and starts to look in the corners of the room.

  She’s going to loot
me?

  “Come on,” Leo says.

  “Let me look through this room first,” Katie says.

  “We have two peasants to rescue,” Leo says.

  “And loot to find,” Katie says. “Look through those goblin bodies.”

  “I am not searching through the corpses of goblins,” Cassandra says.

  “Fine,” Katie says. “Gerald, help me search this room. Every crevice, every crack.”

  You leave my cracks alone! That…that sounded bad. I am so glad I didn’t say that out loud. Talk about embarrassing. Still, leave my shit alone Katie. Where are my goblins?

  “I’ll help look,” Gerald says turning to Leo. “It will go faster.”

  “It will go faster if we just proceed with our quest,” Leo says.

  “We can look later,” Cassandra says. “Who is going to steal this stuff?”

  You are!

  “Katie, goblins already have access to this. Come on,” Gerald says.

  “Fine,” Katie says. She’s looking like she’s abandoning a child. She’s looking longingly at the room. My things are not your past lovers Katie. By the gods, I am going to so enjoy seeing these heroes locked up!

  “This won’t take long,” Gerald says reassuringly.

  “If there are only goblins like that here this will be easy,” Cassandra says.

  No, this will not be easy! For you I mean. It will be easy for me.

  “Hey, there is a room behind that rubble there,” Katie says as she looks along the eastern wall of the room.

  “Later. If it is sealed up from this end the peasants aren’t in it,” Leo says.

  “The goblins could have put the peasants in there and sealed it up. You don’t know!”

  “That is not typical goblin behavior,” Cassandra says.

  “Fine,” Katie says in a sulky manner.

  “I’ll help you loot that room later,” Gerald says.

  “Thanks Gerald,” Katie says.

  Katie is doing anything she can to stay in that room. I’m just glad she didn’t spot the secret room across from her. Well, spend all the time you want in there Katie. It will give me precious time for my goblins to charge forth from the warrens and bury you! Which reminds me, where are my goblins? I look about my room and spot one.