The Goblin Queen and the Sigil of Altazan (The League of Sinister Means Book 2)

by H. K. MacTavish

  “You!” I say to the nearest goblin.

  “Highness?” he responds. I raise him up using magic and look him right in the eyes.

  “What did I tell you about ambushes?” I ask.

  “That…they are good?”

  “Yes,” I say. He smiles. He thinks he got the answer right. “Why were there no goblins ready to ambush the heroes in the first room?”

  “There weren’t any?” he asks.

  “No. There weren’t any,” I say.

  “That is odd,” he says. I throw him to the ground.

  “Go! Make sure that everyone is ready. As they should be!” I yell.

  “Yes highness,” the goblin croaks as he scampers off.

  This is a disaster. I’d rather not face four heroes at once. This day has turned into a nightmare! This is my birthday! This is supposed to be my day! Where are the heroes now? Creeping down the passage towards the armory I see. Well, the only pieces left in there are rusted and old and common. Maybe they’ll spend some quality time looking for a magical trinket.

  They are pausing outside the room. What are they waiting for?

  “Are you ready?” Leo whispers to the others.

  “Yes,” Cassandra says.

  “We’re ready,” Katie says, speaking for herself and her brother.

  Leo waits a moment before…kicking the door down? Are you serious? Really? For the love of…come on! It was unlocked Leo! I have to replace that now! Use the fucking handle!

  I should have trapped some doors but when I tried that earlier I lost more goblins than I wished to count. I even tried marking the doors but they still went in. Highness, highness, there’s been an accident! No shit. Stay away from those doors that I have trapped. This would of course be followed up with a ‘Yes highness’ only to be followed with more dead goblins. The only traps are the ones they are setting up now. I’ll have to rely on casting my spells through this scrying pool to help slow the heroes down. I’ll have to time them right. I can’t cast every spell through a scrying pool. No direct spells like fireballs or lightning bolts.

  The heroes look about the room, Cassandra’s and Leo’s floating balls of light giving more than enough light for the heroes to see that they are alone.

  “It’s empty,” Gerald says.

  Leo is looking over at the racks of armor and weapons and occasionally at Katie who looks ready to spend a lot of time looking for every penny she can get. Sorry Katie, the only things to find in this room are boredom and tetanus.

  “Let’s take a look around,” Leo says. “There could be something valuable here.”

  “Yes. Goblins aren’t smart enough to recognize quality weapons,” Cassandra says.

  Oh, you’re right about that. When I told them to clear out the good stuff after moving into this lair they grabbed the rustiest pieces of crap you could imagine. What did they leave? A magical dagger and four magical swords. Oh, and two suits of magical armor. They were only the best looking pieces in the armory. One of the goblins said that the magical sword was hideous while another said a rusty one was pretty. Pretty? I had to look through that armory myself. If you want to do something right, you really need to take charge of the situation yourself.

  “I’m not finding anything,” Gerald says. “Just old gear I am afraid to touch.”

  “The same,” Leo says.

  That’s because I took all of the good stuff. And I think I know what is good and what…

  “I found something,” Katie calls out.

  What? No. I took everything of val…

  “Check this out,” she says holding up a dagger with a golden hilt.

  Son of a bitch! That’s mine! Where was it? Where? I went through the whole room! Those goblins! If they could only obey orders for once! I told them, get the good stuff! Forcing me to do the work! You are pissing me off Katie and you’ve only just gotten into my lair! Drop that dagger now! Get your grubby rogue hands off of it!

  “Where was it?” Gerald asks.

  “Under a weapons rack over there,” Katie says pointing to the corner.

  How did I miss that? I went through that room myself! Oh, for the love…no. Take deep breaths Vivian. Deep breaths. This is the goblin’s fault. I told them, get the good stuff. If they could only follow simple directions Katie wouldn’t have that dagger. When I defeat the heroes that dagger will be mine again.

  “Can you see if it is magical?”

  It’s golden. Of course it’s magical! Not that all golden weapons are magical. I’m just explaining my luck.

  “Let me see,” Cassandra says, casting a spell. Waste the effort. Go on.

  “It’s magical,” Cassandra says.

  Ta-da.

  “Really?” Katie asks. She’s about to get orgasmic over this loot. “What does it do?”

  “Let me see,” Cassandra says, casting yet another spell. I’ll laugh if it turns out to do something stupid like make weird noises when it hits something or whistles loudly when you throw it or…

  “It returns to your hand,” Cassandra says.

  “Really?”

  See? Such is my luck. Enjoy it while you can hero! I need to prepare a trap or something. Maybe I could bait the trap with a golden chalice. At least I know I’ll get the rogue.

  “Let’s continue looking,” Leo says. He thinks he is going to find a magical two handed weapon. Fat chance meathead. While they are looking through the armory let me see where they are likely to poke around next. It is either going to be the bath rooms or the forge room. I should get something ready either way they go.

  Bathing Beauties

  Let me scry into the bath room. There had better be goblins waiting there. The image is coming in clear and I see goblins. Good!

  Now for the forge room. Show me goblins! Yes! Goblins.

  So, there are goblins waiting in the bath room and the forge room. Excellent. Now, what can I do to aid them? Think Vivian. You can’t depend on just goblins to take down the heroes. That has been shown to be rather obvious. What do I have to work with? Let me get the bath room ready since that is closer to the heroes than the forge room.

  What is in the bath room? Some really old toilets, about fifteen goblins and some tubs in a separate room in the back. Oh, and there is an underground river. I’ve heard it rushing along when I first moved us into this place. I think there might be a well in there too. That isn’t a lot. Maybe some water spells. How far down is the river? It might be too deep for my magic to reach. I won’t know if I don’t try. I wonder how long the goblins can hold out while I cast my spells around them.

  Wait. Does that goblin have a red sash? I told them to give a red sash to the best warriors among them. How many others have it? Damn it! Just the one? Oh well. I can work with that. Maybe I’ll get lucky and he’ll spear one of the heroes in the back. It’s not like they’re wearing armor aside from Gerald. Wishes and rainbows will only get you so far heroes!

  The toilets just empty straight into the river. Perhaps I can spray some water up into the heroes’ faces. That would be embarrassing. Not really useful but who cares about usefulness when you can demean the heroes? Not like I know a spell to even do that. Wait. Now that I’m thinking about it, I think I had a spell for that. Didn’t I know a spell…I know there was a spell for summoning water into a geyser that would be perfect here.

  Or even better! Summoning something to crawl up from the river below. Didn’t I daydream about something like that when I first moved in here? A hero, sitting on the toilet when something grabbed them by the short hairs and yanked them into oblivion?

  Let me look. Where is it? No, not Mabh and Vashti’s…no, not Alistair’s book. Morgan! It was Morgan’s book that had something like that…I think. Let’s see, I thought she had a chapter on water. Here it is. Hydrology.

  Come on! The heroes are going to be done looking through that armory any minute! Water elementals…no I’m missing a primal stone of water. That would have been great! This water elemental emerging from the toilet whil
e the heroes piss themselves! But I don’t have it, so I need to stop daydreaming about it. No water elementals Vivian! Move on! Fast!

  Oh. What is this…water pixies? What does that do?

  Despite the name, this spell creates lesser elementals of water and not pixies. This spell is useful for those that do not have a primal stone of water but are in need of some help from minions. It isn’t a direct spell so I should be able to cast it through the runes I have in the bath room. The only risk is the river being too far down. What’s the range on this? Does Morgan give me a range? What? That can’t be the range. It is? Wow. Okay. How hard is it to cast then? Uh-huh…yeah…okay, like this…and then I say what? By the gods I hate lots of consonants in spells. I wish wizards would use fucking vowels! I swear, some of these spells make me sound like I’m clearing my throat. How do I even say that? Oh, the translation is here. Okay, I have it.

  Yes! Okay, I’ll cast this a couple times and then the heroes will wish they never found this place! Now that I’m thinking of it, maybe I could throw toilet water in their faces for fun. I’m sure there is a spell in here. Let’s see what else Morgan has in Hydrology. This sounds impressive. Call Forth the Waves? What does that do?

  Blah, blah, be near a water source. I am near one! The range is the same practically as the Water Pixie spell. Why would you say that the range for this one is limited and say nothing on the Water Pixie one? Morgan needs a better editor. Okay. Wait. What is this nonsense about a warning?

  Be careful of casting this spell. If you place too much power into it you’ll summon a geyser right in your face.

  Oh. Oh, that will be wonderful! The heroes will be facing a trail by water here! A little geyser to the face, a few Water Pixies, and of course goblins; the heroes will be finished!

  Okay, where are the looting sacks of boils at? I carry the book over by my side, keeping it open beside me with my levitating magic. I focus the image in my cauldron to the heroes. Where are you?

  “…complaining. You got a new dagger!” Gerald says.

  “I know. But you would have thought we’d find more than a couple of half pennies in coins,” Katie says.

  How did she manage to find pennies? Does she smell the loot? Does her body tingle whenever treasure is near? Actually, that might explain her orgasmic excitement to finding loot.

  “Let’s stay focused on our quest,” Leo says. “There are two peasants that need our aid. Sasha and Bertrand need our help. That should be reward enough.”

  “You’re right,” Katie says. She absolutely didn’t hear what Leo said just now. She’s eye fucking her dagger.

  “Should Katie check on the door up ahead?” Gerald asks.

  They’re going into the bath room! I switch to scrying on the goblins inside.

  “Hey!” I tell the one with the red sash. He looks around nervously. Well, that isn’t a good sign. “It’s me! Your queen!”

  “Highness?”

  “Highness?” A couple of others say.

  “Heroes are about to enter your room! Get ready!”

  “Yes highness,” the one with the red sash says.

  I hope they are ready. Are the heroes…

  Crack!

  The doors aren’t locked. You gain nothing by kicking the door in. Nothing! Just open the door really fast. Leo, please, just use the handles! Until I cast this Sigil of Altazan I can’t just summon doors!

  Leo charges in first, waving that two handed sword of his like he’s overcompensating.

  Ha! I just got this image…Leo, with his huge muscles, manliest of men…with this tiny micro penis. Just, this little speck under that loin cloth! Leo might as well be a woman! Ha!

  Well, regardless of what he is bringing to the party under that loincloth, his real sword is making short work of the nearest goblin. That goblin just…he went splat. The one with the red sash is pointing to the heroes and leading the other goblins. Excellent. He is one of their better warriors. He’s taking charge, organizing the troops! My luck is changing!

  Cassandra enters next with an ice spell ready. She spears a goblin at the back. She prepares to cast another spell but a goblin tries to stab her. He catches her in the side!

  Aw, a dagger flew into his skull. Well, that goblin’s down. And Katie springs into the room, the dagger flying back into her hand so that she can throw it once again, all while dodging a spear. The golden dagger flies back into her hand and she spins around, stabbing the goblin. She kills the goblin and avoids any injury. How are you that nimble? No one is that nimble in skin tight leather. Her luck will run out.

  Gerald comes in last. He looks about hesitantly. No charging or heroics from him. Why not? The others are too protective of him. Well, I suppose that as a priest he can heal the others so I guess that is a resource they want to keep. A resource…yes. Gerald is a resource. A beautiful, dark, resource, but a resource all the same. And I need to take that from the heroes. I should make that my priority. Any benefits that come from having Gerald as my prisoner, chained, succumbing to my will…that is all just a wonderful benefit.

  There goes another goblin. Katie and Leo are moving closer to the toilets as they run down some of the spear throwers in the back. Okay. Almost in range. The toilets will block a lot of the water so I want them as close as possible. Almost there…and…I chant, waving my fingers, and give it all I have!

  The toilets all burst open! Ha!

  “What!” Katie yells.

  Leo and Katie just pause, standing there looking at themselves. Their hearts race from the sudden explosion and then sink with the realization of what hit them! Katie and Leo are covered in, well, whatever was down there! It can’t be all water, even after a few decades! Maybe it is. Doesn’t matter! Both Leo and Katie are distracted with poo hair!

  The distraction worked! A goblin stabbed Katie…in the ass? Come on! We’ve gone over this! Vital spots. Stab, vital, spots!

  I still laugh. It was hilarious seeing her leap up and scream, one hand covering her rear end. It was funny so I’ll let it slide this time, but don’t do it again!

  Ha, she looked ridiculous.

  Katie spins around and kicks the goblin and throws that infernal dagger into him while he’s down. One less…

  Boom!

  Oh, come on! Another fireball? You know what? There is a spell in Morgan’s book for troop teleportation. Let me see…here! Okay Cassandra! Enjoy…this!

  I cast on the red sashed goblin and teleport him right behind Cassandra. He swipes at her but misses. She telekinetically throws him into the wall. The goblin gets up, dazed, and charges. She unleashes a long stream of fire that burns the goblin. Well, he can take more than…why is he on the ground? What? That’s it? Oh. He’s twitching. And, yup, an ice spear to the head to finish him off.

  Well, that sucked.

  How many goblins do I have left? Only three? What happened to the rest? I had fifteen goblins gods damn it! Leo is swinging that monster sword of his cleaving heads from bodies. The goblins left don’t have a chance. The last one Katie throws a dagger into. It is that magical dagger. All of my goblins are dead and I didn’t get a chance to summon my water pixies. I really thought that this fight would last a lot longer. Where are the goblins from the warrens? I need them!

  “Let me see your wound,” Gerald says to Cassandra.

  “In a minute, let’s make sure there isn’t anything in the next room,” Cassandra says.

  Oh, there isn’t. I still have my water pixies spell. I can still cast the spell. Just because the goblins are all dead, that doesn’t mean that the pixies are worthless. I’ll just cast the spell as they are passing into the next room. Leo is cautiously entering first with Katie beside him. Cassandra and Gerald are in the back, getting ready for a fight.

  Time to give them a fight. I cast the water pixie spell. I chant the words correctly and give the right bit of finger waving. Did it work? Wait, I hear something. And it’s coming from the toilets. Success!

  “What is that?” Katie asks.


  “It’s…coming from the toilets,” Gerald says.

  “It’s another geyser!” Leo yells.

  Yeah, I’d be unhappy to get covered in old shit too. He’s backing up into the room with the others but it is too late. One watery hand stretches out from the bottom of the toilet, then another from another toilet. Then another? How many did I cast? More? Wow.

  “Get behind me!” Leo yells.

  Yeah, I’m kind of impressed too. Okay, do I have control over these or are they the cast and hope kind of minion?

  “Attack the warrior!” I command through the scrying pool.

  “Who was that?” Katie asks.

  “Damn it!” Cassandra says. “I’ll take care of her after this.”

  Oh, no you won’t!

  The minions are all converging on the warrior. Yes, I should probably, tactically, have them attack Gerald but…he’s so handsome! Maybe I can…convert him over to the villainous side of life. Besides, I don’t think that the pixies will get past the warrior to reach Gerald anyway so, you know, take the targets you can get.

  The heroes look nervous. Fighting goblins are one thing, but two foot tall human shaped blobs of water are a whole different story. Leo is taking the brunt of the attacks like a warrior should. He’s doing his best but without an anatomy it is hard to deal a killing blow. Can’t stab the heart when there isn’t one!

  Katie throws her dagger through one and it just turns into a puddle. Really? That dagger can do that too? Oh, at least it flies into her hand so she can do it again. And…yup, she did it again. I should have had them attack the rogue, not the warrior.

  Cassandra casts some ice spikes which freeze the little water elementals. Leo can smash those I bet. And he does. Bastard!

  Gerald even pushes out, smashing the ones that Cassandra freezes. The heroes just…they just know what to do. They’re not giving orders or advice. Cassandra started to freeze the water pixies and Leo and Gerald just leapt forward and knew that they needed to smash them while Katie takes on the ones that Cassandra isn’t freezing. How? How are they so organized?